Jan
26
2006

In Case You Didn't Believe Me About The Large Purple Disney Glasses

I believe this may be a picture of me wearing them; Susie very kindly e-mailed it to me after (probably) wetting herself upon finding it in the family photo album. Somewhere I have one where I am wearing the same glasses---or at least some very similar ones---plus some very high-waisted tapered jeans, a plaid flannel shirt that's three sizes too big AND TUCKED IN, and some kind of medallion that I can only hope I borrowed from someone else and didn't actually PART WITH CASH FOR.

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Jan
19
2006

The Curious Incident of the Hammock in the Night-Time

On Sunday afternoon, a policeman came over to our house and all the lights were flashing on his car when he parked in the driveway. It's kind of awesome how policemen still make house calls; it makes you feel very important, like you have many leather-bound books and your apartment smells of rich mahogany. And it's not even like calling a plumber or an electrician to come out and see you, because you don't even have to pay! You just phone the police department up, say "I need a policeman!" and they send you one!

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Jan
14
2006

Almost Famous

Do you know, my parents went to see Elvis at the Pontiac Silverdome in Pontiac, Michigan, in 1975, and he was totally drunk and slurring, and also bloated and fat. He couldn't remember the words to his songs so he kept pulling out a piece of paper from his pocket and reading them out, but getting the timing wrong and stumbling. And then in the middle of one song, he kind of suddenly stopped and grunted and said "uh.... I split mah pants," and then he shuffled off stage BACKWARDS to hide the fact that his Generous Elvis Flesh was hanging out the back of his white spandex pantsuit.

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Jan
12
2006

They're Going To Take My Days Of The Week Knickers License Away

"So you know how I'm going out for drinks tomorrow night---"

"Wait, I thought you were going out Thursday night."

"Yeah, tomorrow is Thursday."

"No, tomorrow's Wednesday. Today is Tuesday."

"Uh, Sean, today is WEDNESDAY. I think I would KNOW."

"Why would you know?"

"Because I'm wearing my Wednesday knickers! It's not Tough Tuesday, it's Wishful Wednesday! Look!"

"I swear it's Tuesday. Wait, turn on the TV and see what's on."

"Scrubs. Damnit, you're right."

"Told you. Tuesday."

"I can't believe I wore the wrong pair."

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