Dec
15
2011

Splendid Thing: Flula Borg

Cape Town can wait; have you seen these videos by a guy called Flula Borg? I know Flula Borg sounds like the kind of noise you make when you're sneezing really violently—"FLULA BORG!" "Bless you!"—but Flula Borg is actually a semi-famous German guy living in Los Angeles who makes hilarious videos about the weirdness of certain English idioms. 

Take this one about the phrase "the proof is in the pudding," for instance:

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Dec
10
2011

Then Practice Losing Farther, Losing Faster

December, so far, has been a month for losing things. On Friday morning, for instance, I lost my car keys—or rather I lost my mind, I guess, because I locked my car keys inside my car, where I discovered them an hour later after spending a hitherto pleasant morning meandering around Target. I called Geico, a man showed up in a truck, and I sat there sheepishly with my cart full of paper towels and gingerbread coffee creamer. It wasn't a big deal: twenty minutes lost, maybe. Half an hour. 

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Dec
08
2011

Like Pulling Teeth

I went to the dentist yesterday, for an appointment that I had made six months earlier. Does your dentist do this? Make you schedule another appointment the second you walk out of the last one? Probably this is kind of common and everyone's dentist does it, but to me it is newly surprising every time because I cannot think of any other area in my life that is so organized and well-regimented.

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Dec
06
2011

It's A Normal Time Of Day Somewhere

I am writing this at 4am, where I am deep in the throes of jetlag. And while I know I'm supposed to hunker down and tough it out and try to visualize each part of my body relaxing one after the other so that I can fall back asleep again like they tell you to do in those meditation tapes, I have been awake since 1:30am at this point, and between you and me, it ain't gonna happen.

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Nov
21
2011

Charlie "Cat" Burns: 2002-2011

cahrlie the cat in a sweater

Our beloved cat, Charlie, a fixture in our little family for the last nine years, passed away on Saturday while we were in transit from Paris to Cape Town. As you can imagine, this is the most spectacularly horrible start to our vacation, and neither of us much feels like being here. I'll write more about it when my heart stops breaking, but I'm not sure I know when that will be.

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Nov
15
2011

How Not To Be That Person Everyone Hates On The Plane

Okay, let's start at the gate. We should really start a little bit before the gate, in the line going through airport security, but I'm going to give That Person Everyone Hates On The Plane the benefit of the doubt and assume that he or she hasn't watched the news or got on the Internet in the last five years, because that is the only excuse he or she has for trying to bring through that 10-oz bottle of Banana Boat sunscreen.

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Nov
13
2011

True Life: I Was A Pregnant Alien

I spent the weekend at Camp Mighty in Palm Springs, where I had the most wonderful time. It was kind of like those girls' getaways you always read about in magazines that tell you to do things like go on girls' getaways—right after you buy yourself fresh flowers every week and just before you sprinkle organic flax on your oatmeal, obviously—except a hundred times better because I got to dress up as a pregnant alien.

Say what now? Oh, you heard me.

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Nov
08
2011

Cold Is A Four Letter Word

Hey, you know what nobody wants to hear about? Your cold. In fact, on the Yeah, Don't Tell Me About That scale, your cold falls somewhere just below that crazy dream you had last night and a mere smidge above a detailed description of whatever you just ate. And by "you" and "your," we are obviously talking about "me" and "my." Nope, I am under no illusion whatsoever that you give any sort of fig (jellied? preserved? fresh from the salad bar at Whole Foods?) about my cold.

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Nov
06
2011

And Now For Some Other Stuff

Okay, it's getting a little too All Evan Dando All The Time around here, so I think maybe it's time for me to stop. Incidentally, "I think maybe it's time for me to stop" was the very same thing I said out loud a few days ago, when I found myself deep in an Internet wormhole, looking at pictures of Evan Dando's mother's Christmas tree on her Facebook page. I don't know how this happened, honestly. One minute I was watching YouTube videos of acoustic Lemonheads performances, the next I was admiring Mrs Dando's ornaments.

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