Song of My Self-Indulgence

Man, that Costco. Isn't it great? We joined a little while ago and visited today, and I am now the proud owner of ONE THOUSAND PACKETS OF SPLENDA. I'd been buying Sweet & Low before---mainly because it was cheap but also because it was pink---but then I suddenly had the notion that all that aspartame probably wasn't so good for me, so I decided to switch to Splenda instead because a blend of dextrose, maltodextrin, and sucralose sounds just that LITTLE bit friendlier, doesn't it? Of course, when one is going to be ingesting a thousand packets of ANYTHING, I doubt it matters very much.

I love Costco because it's so delightfully American---which is to say, everything is huge. Would you like some cherry tomatoes, my good man? Here, don't just have a box, have a VAT! Yes, a vat o'cherry tomatoes! You'll have the most cherry tomatoes on the block! And what about a bag of coffee beans the size of a small toddler? Can I interest you in 24 chicken breasts? A bucket of hummus? More celery than you know what to do with? A sack of pita chips? A crate of paper towels? Enough bottled water that you'll feel guilty about not drinking the stuff from the tap for MONTHS, but come on, it's only $4.99, which is, like, two cents a bottle, and how can you resist a steal like THAT?

It's all just so big! And overwhelming! It's like the Humvee of supermarkets! The Big Gulp of grocery stores! It's like it's swaggering around with its eyebrow cocked, saying, "yeah, we know you foreigners think everything is bigger in America, and you're right, bee-yotches! Check out this 50-lb can of tuna! You got that where YOU come from?"

Really, if the people at Costco knew what was good for them, they'd paraphrase Whitman for their ad campaign: "I am large, I contain multitudes! You will need a forklift truck to carry your salad dressing to the car!"

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1
lissa
Mar 27, 2006

I would say that you are covered in the beverage department.

2
jes
Mar 27, 2006

i love costco. they have everything! except, it's not always practical for just Roger and me, since we are two and the packages of mac 'n cheese are overflowing from our pantry, and the bag of romaine hearts wilt and rot before we can eat them all, and so we usually throw away 2/3 of what we buy, so really, what was the point of us shopping there, again?

3
Nothing But Bonfires
Mar 27, 2006

Ah, that is why I have perfected the art of eating a tub of hummus in a week. (Do you see it there, on the second shelf down, right hand side? It's as big as a boat.) Hummus on everything! Hummus on ice cream! Hummus on toast! We must eat this vat of hummus before it goes bad so we can justify its $6 price tag!

(Also, what you can't see is that there are EIGHTEEN POTS of that sugar-free jello. I love it. And luckily it doesn't go bad.)

4
Kristin
Mar 27, 2006

Thank you for using the word 'vat'. It's neglected, even in America, where it could be used for nearly everything.

(I had to boycott Costco because I'd buy basketball-sized loaves of cheese and feel compelled to eat it all before it went bad, and then, ugh.)

5
StampyDurst
Mar 27, 2006

I applaud your obsessively organized refrigerator. I, too, like the symmetry of bottles of sparkling water lined up in a row, etc. However, I pray that you have another fridge. Otherwise, where is the array of beer in neat rows divided by bottle color or organized by country of origin? Where is the door of prosecco for those spontaneous brunches or celebrations of all things small and wonderful? Where is the long line of dry white wines for those friends who just can't stomach red? No, really. You do have another fridge...don't you.

6
mom on a wire
Mar 27, 2006

I just died a little inside when I saw how organized your fridge is.

7
Meg
Mar 27, 2006

Oooh! I just got my Costco membership through work last week. It was thrilling, believe you me. And I was allowed to list my roommate as my spouse on my account, which would irk the Republicans to no end, I'm sure.

8
Tom
Mar 27, 2006

You think her fridge is organised? Every Christmas she lines her presents up in order of size. And yes, that does include this year. She is 26 years old, dammit!!

www.nothingbutdietcoke.com!!

9
Lynn
Mar 27, 2006

First, I think you'll be OK as long as you don't consume the 1,000 packets of Splenda all at once.

Second, I misread "A bucket of hummus" as "A bucket of bunnies." Someone should revoke my reading license. I am dangerous to myself and others.

10
Rufus
Mar 27, 2006

Sweet'N Low does not contain Aspartame. It has been used safely for 50 years. I think it tastes much better than Splenda, and the color pink...

11
Nothing But Bonfires
Mar 27, 2006

StampyDurst, the beer is in the place where the salad is supposed to be -- if you squint at the left-hand-side crisper, you'll see the faint tinges of green....not from lettuce, but from Rolling Rock bottles.

And my fridge is NEVER normally this organized; this is just my post-Costco fridge. In fact, shortly after this photo was taken, I went to the normal grocery store and came back with normal portions of MORE food, which I then had to squeeze in alongside the large food. I'd show you a picture of the fridge NOW, but you'd be appalled. The OCD gods would take away my license.

12
Emily
Mar 27, 2006

How exactly do you get to the stuff in the back of your fridge?? We don't get to the stuff in the back of ours because it looks just like yours and when we finally eat our way back there, everything is moldy and putrid-smelling. Just hoping you had a better solution.

13
wordnerd
Mar 27, 2006

Trouble with such an organized fridge is you hate to mess it up! And you better get started on all those cherry tomatoes!

By the way, Meg? I'm not irked in the least! ;)

14
Nancy
Mar 27, 2006

I miss Costco. Luckily, they have one in Philadelphia near my sister, so I can run blithely through the huge aisles spilling enormous amounts of fresca and the biggest salmon filet I have ever seen and chocolate-covered macademia nuts into her basket. Good call on the Splenda in my opinion: it is the only supremely fake-o sugar substitute that gets sprinkled over my morning coffee.

ps, I totally laughed at the Whitman line. I quote that to Dakin everytime I say something totally contradictory. "Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes!" Thanks, Walt, for the get-out-of-jail-free card!

15
barbie2be
Mar 27, 2006

i love costco. where else can you buy a palette of toilet paper and 50 toothbrushes for $4.89?

16
Mir
Mar 27, 2006

I am no longer allowed to shop at warehouse stores. I'm a danger to myself and others. But I am strangely drawn to that fridge photo.

17
Nothing But Bonfires
Mar 27, 2006

If only you could see the freezer. Chicken breasts and no-sugar-added fudgsicles piled as far as the eye can see.

18
Student Nurse, prn
Mar 27, 2006

Just wait until you have children and have to use one of those flat carts. Filled with juice boxes, lunch sized snack items and the endless visits to the 'sample lady'.

Although, I never go alone because I need a weeks vacation after lifting all that stuff in-and-out and utilize my kids as cheap labor.

19
Michelle
Mar 27, 2006

OMG, your organized fridge puts my mine, with it's jam-packed jumbled mess of condiments and leftovers, to shame.

20
Nothing But Bonfires
Mar 27, 2006

And yet I am FLAGRANTLY abusing the rules of the fridge: see the drawer on the left that says "Meats"? Know what's in there? GOAT CHEESE! And MOZZARELLA! So perhaps I'm not so organized after all.

21
s@bd
Mar 27, 2006

Do you have your Executive Membership Card yet?
2% of your purchases back (in cash) at the end of the year. I kid you not.

22
dutch
Mar 27, 2006

You just reminded me that I have not had coffee yet today because I'm out of my coffee-mate french vanilla creamer. damn it. I don't have any splenda either. or a costco membership. Can I come over to your house for coffee? wait, the baby is napping. I'm stuck here coffee-less until she wakes up. damn.

23
Eric
Mar 27, 2006

On the other hand, the mere fact that you invoked Whitman to describe something as gleefully capitalist as Costco ought to get you a free membership for a year.

You just upped their cultural significance by about ten thousand percent, is all I'm saying. They should show their gratitude.

24
Julie
Mar 27, 2006

I will join Costco once we buy a separate freezer for the basement. Unfortunately, they do not sell alcohol at Costco here in Colorado, which lessens the appeal somewhat.

25
Elizabeth
Mar 27, 2006

We have Sam's Club, which is the same idea as Costco except owned by Wal-Mart. It KILLS my husband to shop there because of Wal-Mart being evil and all, but they sell 204 Pampers diapers for like 25 bucks. Plus 36 Pop-Tarts for $7.00 and three-packs of cereal for $6.00. We try not to buy stuff we won't use, like gallon jugs of trail mix.

And re: your refrigerator? Glad to see I'm not the only one who puts half 'n half in their coffee.

26
Gallaudet
Mar 27, 2006

Walt Whitman and Costco? Of course! Walt Whitman and Costco! Yes! Yes! "Song of My Vat!" "Tubs of Grass!" "I sound my barbaric YAWP at the buckets of butter!"

We will give Piggly Wiggly to Allen Ginsberg. The signs will say, "Growl!....Is that your stomach? We've got the snacks right here!"

27
wendy
Mar 27, 2006

Costco is my evil downfall...those big plastic tubs of bite-sized brownies, the giant muffins, 50 pound bags of candy...

Don't buy toothpaste there unless you know that you like the flavor. I'm stuck with 8000 tubes of nasty Aquafresh Extreme Clean, which tastes like I'm brushing my teeth with Pledge and cough syrup. I almost cried when I opened the cupboard this morning and saw a couple more tubes of toothpaste hell staring me in the face.

28
Gretchen
Mar 28, 2006

Oh God -- we have been living the Costco life for years. Right now I have about 50 diet Monster energy drinks in my fridge. As well as flats of juice boxes and Silk chocolate soymilk boxes for the boys, cases of baby wipes, cases of Pampers Cruisers, cases of diet Pepsi for me and beer for Ben. We had an enormous roll of plastic cling wrap that lasted us from the early days of our dating into our fifth year of marriage! It's the American way!

29
Susan
Mar 28, 2006

A bag of coffee beans the size of a toddler, you say?

That would last a week, tops, around here.

30
barbie2be
Mar 28, 2006

heh heh heh... student nurse prn mentions the sample lady... we call that the buffet. :)

31
kerri
Mar 28, 2006

In our family we call Costco "The Hundred Dollar Store," or "Benny," for short. My mom always told us she never went in there and spent under a hundred dollars. I think I've managed it only a few times. Mostly, I steer clear. Mostly because I have no self-control when it comes to splurging on the extra-sized everything. But their samples: Mmm, boy.

32
s@bd
Mar 28, 2006

Did somebody say there's alcohol at their Costco?! DANG!! Sometimes it's good to live in the States.

33
Janet
Mar 28, 2006

And not just food....I bought my television, camera, printer, microwave, mixer, dishes, pots and pans, and pretty much everything else I own from Costco. Once they showed me my annual spending and I almost died right there on the warehouse floor.

34
jes
Mar 28, 2006

hm. that's a lot of hummus. and jello.

and, how do you do this again without looking like a hippo? because i'm halfway there already, and i don't even shop in bulk anymore.

35
Ali G
Mar 28, 2006

i adore costco - all that quantity and cheapness, AND proof that labor friendly policies can still make a profit! take THAT, walmart!

plus, my mother always gets the most fabulous desserts and other assorted junk food from there. when you don't feel like making your own porncake, try a costco turtle cheesecake - so tasty! also, there's some artery-clogging cream cheese and salsa dip which is the BEST PARTY DIP EVER. i mean, i would have a party just to justify eating all that yummy fat...

36
Neil
Apr 01, 2006

The only problem with Costco is that things can get out of hand. My home office is filling up with dozens of rolls of toilet paper, paper towels, 6-packs of peanut butter, and boxes of Splenda...