Awesome Things That Happened This Weekend, In List Form To Soothe The Savage Demons Of OCD

1) A while ago, I wrote this brief guide to Charleston for theCitizen, a cutting-edge youth culture travel site for which I fear I may not be hip enough, and which carries the following disclaimer: "If your idea of fun is eating a 12-course meal on a cruise ship, theCitizen is not for you. If you lost your wallet last summer in a complicated scam run by some junkie from Berlin, theCitizen might be for you. If you are that junkie from Berlin, welcome to theCitizen." My guide is now up, and you can read it here, if you're so inclined. I would like for you to know that the picture of the two girls making out was nothing to do with me. Also I would like my parents to know that the part where I recommend places to buy good drugs in Charleston is based purely on what other people told me. (I'm more into the Tylenol PM, you know, and you can find a Walgreens anywhere.) If you're thinking of going on vacation and you want a local's perspective on where to hang out, theCitizen can most likely give you the scoop. I'm only pimping it because it's cool. And because what if one day you need to know where to buy crack in Minneapolis?

2) I know I've done this before, and I also know I totally stole the idea from the fantastically lovely Sarah Brown—but not before I sent her a very polite email checking if it was okay and recived a very nice one back saying to go ahead—but I was clearing out my text message inbox this weekend and could not let the following received missives go to the Great Text Message Inbox In The Sky without recording them for posterity. I have no idea what most of them mean anymore, but they make for a very Pinter-esque dialogue when read aloud:

— How is your marriage to the vegan going? Do you love polygamy?
— I don't even have time to have a poo, much less to have a social life
— I was just wondering if there were any new trends sweeping America that you could tell me about. [ I must just note that I love how all-inclusive this is! Like, what am I supposed to reply? Tivo? Capitalism? Grey's Anatomy? The Gap? ]
— The blackbird has landed!
— Crystal Light tastes like day-old butthole
— Hard class. New teacher. Haunches are quivering
— Hello, I have found the perfect dress online, will you please help me get it? Also, does John Kerry openly say how much he hates George Bush? [This one gets bonus points not only for including a total non-sequitur, but also for arriving at 6:41am and waking me up.]
—Lots of lesbians. Fudge already gone.

3) Sean and I found a coffee shop—actually, we didn't so much "find" it as take Thespian Libby's recommendation to go there and then follow her directions—which is totally African themed; we're talking woven mats on the floor, colorful masks on the walls, and even a slide projector flashing pictures of African children up on the wall. They also have Scrabble, discarded copies of the New York Times, very good iced coffee, and a little courtyard out back in which to combine all three. The part of this coffee shop, however, that made me hop up and down with glee (oh, you think I'm joking) is this : at the cash register, they have a basket piled to the brim with tubes of wine gums! How weird is this? Just a few months ago, you may remember, I was pining for wine gums, a British candy that you just CAN'T seem to find in Charleston and which my fabulous Canadian fairy godmother took the liberty of sending to me by the kilogram. And now, apparently, you can buy wine gums in African-themed coffee shops! What is going on here? I'm not complaining, of course, just expressing my incredulity.

But then again, what do I know? Maybe THIS is a new trend that's sweeping America!

Dana Lynn
Mar 13, 2006

That picture doesn't look so much look like two girls making out as it does two kittens desperately trying to lap up as much milk as possible. I'm just saying.

Mar 13, 2006

Crud! I meant to comment as Lynn, not as Dana Lynn. My bad.

Ali G
Mar 13, 2006

now i'm starting to wonder WHAT ELSE you can find in these african-themed coffee shops...

also, do lesbians normally eat all the fudge? i don't normally get to hang out with more than two at a time (obviously, i don't get invited to the really cool parties) and they seemed to have normal fudge eating habits...

and why do you have such fascinating text messages?! way better than mine, they are all variations of 'wtf! where r u?!'

Mar 13, 2006

ahhh bummer. i am no longer an original. maybe wine gums are hot hot hot in africa? (where it is hot hot hot) ha! i kill me. glad you found a supply. you can get them at any drugstore or grocery store here, so i would feel deprived if i was in the same position.


Mar 13, 2006

I'm so honored to have been (what comes after thrice?) four times quoted on your blog. Speaking of quivering haunches, I'm going to the catastrophically expensive and totally useless gym every day this week. My wedding dress arrives in one month, and how in the world I'm going to lose 400 pounds in 30 days is a total mystery. I guess on the bright side, if a stiff breeze picks up after the ceremony, A.S. and I can take wing on my flying squirrel arm flaps and soar on over the reception. My muffin tops have become popovers. I can go inner tubing with no inner tube. SIGH!

Mar 13, 2006

And here I am, still wondering what wine gums are and if I need some. Because generally, when we're talking sweets, I NEED SOME.

Nothing But Bonfires
Mar 13, 2006

Mir, they also have Flakes. I will totally send you some. In bubblewrap.

Mar 13, 2006

i live with three lesbians and they are ALWAYS eating the fudge. even when it's in the fridge with a big note that says "NO!" taped to it. :(

Thespian Libby
Mar 13, 2006

I'm SO glad you found "Kudu"! And I truly did purchase the wine gums....they are an acquired taste. But in a spirit of glasnost, and striving to help establish a global community and all that sort of thing - I DID try them.

Mar 13, 2006

Mmmmm, day-old butthole.

Mar 13, 2006

just one more reason to get a mobile phone ...
and go to charleston

Mar 13, 2006

Well what's with you not answering my text messages?! Even if they are at 6:11 in the morning your time (I don't know the time difference, I'm sorry okay??), but really I have important questions about John Kerry that I need you to answer immediately, and also, so what if I want to know the trends?

Mar 13, 2006

OK, text message amnesty:

- GoogleMars isnt so great

- Remember, if it's a chip fat fire, don't throw water on it. It'll take your face off.

- Hey, I just touched Asha D's dick by mistake!

- how long's the 29 been a bendy? [will make sense to Londoners]

- I don't think i could ever settle down with a woman who couldnt or wouldnt do a duet of jackson with me. O well.

- I need to stop saying "awesome" but what can I say instead? "brill" is rubbish. I've been saying "ace" a lot, but it's for special occasions really.

and a really odd one:

New franz ferdinand
A book advising
On how to become

It's not a haiku, I checked...

Mar 14, 2006

I think you are all missing the really REALLY important thing here--Susie, did you find a DRESS?

Mar 14, 2006

Ooh, i'll play this game...

- so apparently the poo stuff isn't true. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or disappointed
(this one arrived at 2.59am)

- three pistols, two rubber rifles, a metal rifle, and a sword. You're an angel

- My beaver's correct.

- You loving or you love? Present participle f*cks the strength eh?

Also worth noting that I have been addressed variously as person, poppet, monkeygirl, tiger, season-surpriser, piss stains...

Mar 14, 2006

My favorite text message received (thus far) was one that referenced the mayor of my city and his recent sexcapades scandal: "Quick! Run faster! Jim West is right behind you and he's got the lustful eye."

Also: I once had the pleasure of spending time in a similarly African-themed coffee shop (albeit not as hip as the one you describe; no patios, no African children projected on the walls, no good iced coffee) in Montana of all places!, and they too had Scrabble. As I self-proclaimed Scrabble geek, I was quite excited. That is, until I tasted my (seemingly poop-flavored) chai latte.