Secret Bachelor Tuesday: The End of the Affair

This is going to be a long one. I'd get a strong drink now, if I were you, and also perhaps some pita chips and some other sundry supplies to keep you going at your computer---like maybe a tent and a camping stove, since I'm not sure how long this is going to take. You might also need some flares. (The kind you have in your car for roadside emergencies, I mean, not the pants. You can bring the pants too, if you'd like, but be warned that we'll probably all make fun of you. Also, you should know that they're totally not flattering. Widens the hips, I think.)

Before we get into the deliciousness that was last night's Bachelor finale, I must just tell you that Sean and I took Sadie to the vet this morning for her LADIES' OPERATION, and on the first form I filled out, I put my name in the space for "owner," just because I was the one filling out the forms. (I am always the one filling out the forms, because Sean is not nearly as anal-retentive as I am; if, for example, he makes a mistake---the horror!---HE DOES NOT ASK FOR WHITE-OUT.) The next thing I knew, the cat had a paper collar around her neck that said "Sadie Burns." Sean was all, "how come she got YOUR last name?" and so on the rest of the forms, I put both of our names under "owner." Then I considered saying indignantly to the nurse, "excuse me, my good woman, this is 2006! We are very modern and politically correct; could you please give her a new collar with a hyphenated last name?"

But stories of my cat's reproductive system are not why you're here, of course! No, you're here for the last of our clandestine Bachelor Tuesday recaps, this one being the most important, of course, because it's the last. Oh, and what a way to go out! I won't tell you yet who he picks at the end, but I will tell you that her last name is Stone. Which would mean that if she and Travis were to get a cat together and call it Sadie and take it to the vet and ask for it to have a very modern, politically-correct, hyphenated paper collar, the collar would read Sadie Stork-Stone. Which ... yeah. Let's just hope she likes filling out the forms more than him.

So we are back in Paris for the final episode, and Travis' sister, Andrea, has flown over with her husband and two small daughters in order to help Travis decide which girl to pick. Because I don't know about you, but if I'm having a hard time deciding who I want to spend the rest of my life with, I'm going to ask MY BROTHER-IN-LAW to help me, and also A SMALL CHILD. (No kidding, this is actually what happens; Travis' niece, Whitney, who is maybe six, takes her role as wife-picker very seriously, explaining "I came to Paris to help Travis decide which girl he likes, because he can't decide." She also suggests that Travis pick "by doing eeny-meeny-miney-mo, because then it would be fair." Oh little girl, I think you may have just given your uncle an idea.)

So Sarah sucks up to the kids in an indoor park, and then wanders off with Andrea for some girl-bonding. "What was your first impression of Travis?" asks Andrea, who---let me just reiterate---is Travis' SISTER. And I will tell you this for free: sisters don't want to be told that their brothers are hot, because, I mean---ewww, no. Just no. Sarah, however, has apparently not heard of this rule. Perhaps she does not have a brother. "I thought he was so hot!" she giggles, as Andrea visibly recoils. Then Sarah meets Travis' parents, Roger and Donna. Roger looks pretty much like every dad in the world with his gray hair and his cable-knit sweater and Donna----oh, it's kind of sad. Donna's head is a perfect oval! It looks like a football! Like Hey Arnold! They seem to warm to Sarah fairly quickly, and it all goes fairly well, apart from all the awkward back-patting hugs that transpire when Sarah leaves.

Next we meet up with Moana---who, it must be noted, is wearing GAUCHOS---at a park somewhere in Paris. She is kind of awful with the kids, and sort of fake with Andrea and the brother-in-law (they do tell you his name, but he's so bland and vanilla that I forget it immediately) but to her credit, she doesn't tell Andrea that her brother is hot. She does, however, make Andrea cry with joy by telling her how much she likes Travis. I think that's weird! Don't you think that's weird? Sure, my sister and I always MAKE FUN of my brother's girlfriends, but we never CRY about how much they love my brother. Perhaps Andrea is crying with relief, that FINALLY someone will take Travis off her hands and she and her little blonde family won't have to support him in his old age and change his diapers. Whitney concurs; she draws a picture for Travis to show which girl she likes best. There is an arrow and a heart next to Moana.

It's back to Roger and Football Head's fake chateau for a dinner where there seems to be no food, and which is TOTALLY AWKWARD! When Andrea asks Moana to tell her why she and Travis would make a good couple, Moana says "do I really have to?" Then she says "it's just not really in my character do to that." The Fake Dinner as a whole is very, very stilted and terrible, and then Moana gives this hideous speech about Travis and starts crying halfway through. After the Fake Dinner, they retire to the Fake Parlor for empty cups of coffee. "What were the qualities that made you want to take Travis home to meet your own parents?" asks Football Head. "Oh, you know...." says Moana, vaguely. "Lots of things." Roger is like "dude, what is your problem? Can you just tell us what it is about Travis that attracts you to him?" and this sets Moana off BAWLING and saying things like, "I'm a solid person but Travis has rocked me to the core" and god, it's all so painful. Do you think Moana is on drugs? Later, she tells Travis she was surprised that his parents asked her "some really big questions," but come on, what did she think they were going to talk about? The weather in Paris? The exchange rate? The fact that, by some weird coincidence, Bland Brother-in-Law has the pointiest ears in the world?

After the commercial break, Moana is moping around when there's a knock at the door of her suite in Paris; she opens it to find her mother there. Wow, her mom is kind of hot. And also about 32. Then Sarah's mother arrives at her suite and she is..... hmm. I guess I know which MOTHER Travis would pick, if that was the decision he had to make. Mrs. Puff Daddy Sarah From Tennessee asks her daughter (very sweetly, I think) "have you kissed him yet?" America winces, having seen Sarah eagerly accept the card to the FENTESSSSSY SUITE two weeks ago. Moana and her mother take a limo somewhere fancy to try on wedding rings, then dresses for the Final Rose Ceremony, and then Sarah and her mother do the same. Sarah's mother sounds like she could be a guest star on King of the Hill. She also sounds like she is being given a feed into a microphone in her ear. And like she is on some serious Valium.

For their last date before The Most Exciting Rose Ceremony Yet, Travis and Sarah play tennis. Before he arrives, Sarah says "I have to put my heart out there and let him know how I'm feeling," which just.... disturbs me on so many levels. Yesterday she was trying on wedding rings, and today she says he still doesn't know how she feels about him? How can you even CONTEMPLATE accepting the proposal of someone whose feelings for you are so cloudy that they're not even obvious enough for you to discern? And who knows pretty much nothing about how you feel about him? No wonder most of the Bachelor unions fail in the end; the gaps in communication are obscene. Trista and Ryan, for example, will probably divorce one day when he forgets to take out the garbage and she says, I'VE BEEN HINTING VAGUELY AND DROPPING INCREDIBLY SUBTLE CLUES FOR DAYS THAT YOU NEEDED TO TAKE THIS GARBAGE OUT! WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN LISTENING?

For Travis and Moana's last date together, Travis decides to break out the hideous lime green sweater again! Oh yes! Because THAT was just so attractive. She cooks him another Fake Dinner in another Fake Chateau---it's pasta, but do you really believe she's going to eat that? She probably hasn't touched a carbohydrate since 2002---and Travis pushes to find out why all the women in the house once hated her. Moana is kind of snappy and mean, which is definitely an interesting way to play the Last Chance To Impress Him card, but to each her own, I guess. Then there is a (presumably poignant) speech that I ignore, predominantly because I'm kind of sick of Moana.

The big day arrives. Both girls deliver heart-wrenching homilies as we see flashbacks of their moments together. Moana offers up this little gem when imagining her new life with Travis: "I think of, like, having kids. And I'm like, great, they'll be tall!" Then Travis goes to look at rings, and I WILL him to pick out the tacky heart-shaped one both girls scoffed at. Moana and Sarah get their makeup done, which I'm sure is a new thing; didn't they used to have to wield the Fabulash by themselves? They both look rather hawt as they get into their limos, though Moana's boobs are a little too squashed into her dress, in my opinion. Are they HERS, do you think? Or has she stolen them from the breakfast buffet? Because it apppears almost as though she's smuggling two canteloupe halves in there.

Moana is first to arrive at the rose-petal-strewn Altar of Embarassment, and Travis greets her enthusiastically. It's looking pretty good for her, as he grabs her hands and tells her how wonderful she is and how amazing, and how he can just look at her and crack up. (Me too, Travis, though for different reasons, I expect.) She totally thinks she's got it, and she's laughing and smiling, and we totally think she's got it too. AND THEN! Oh, Internet. There is a "BUT." And that "but" is straight from Travis' mouth and it goes like this: "...if I listen to my heart, I can't choose you." Moana's face falls, and she says something ominous and dark and Gothic, like "you will always have a piece of me that I can't give back," and for a second I wonder if Sean's prediction last week of an on-screen suicide will come true. And then it's out to the limo with them, and goodbye to Moana forever. Goodbye, Moana! Goodnight, sweet Moana, goodnight, goodnight.

The limo scene is actually kind of awful. Trust me, I'm all for a bit of Schadenfreude, but I'm seriously afraid that Moana can't breathe because she's crying so hard. "At first I almost thought it was a joke!" she wails, hysterically. "To be smacked in the face like this! The rejection I received tonight is just so hurtful and I feel like such a fool! The pain that I'm experiencing right now is so intense that I just want to crawl back into my shell and hide!" Oh yes, Moana, because you were SO shy and retiring. Especially that one time you brought coffee to Travis in the morning and then crawled into bed with him.

But don't forget! There is still so much happiness to be had, when Boring Sarah realizes Even More Boring Travis has picked her and they can go back and live in Nashville together and visit Home Depot on the weekends and give each other Old Navy giftcards for Christmas. Sarah arrives, wearing what Pretty Coworker Elle described this morning as "a pageant dress"---as well as all the leftover blue eyeshadow from 1984---and Travis starts again with the speeches. Eventually, he presents her with the ring, BUT IT'S ON A NECKLACE! Which, yes, good, they've only known each other for six weeks and been on four dates, so it would be sort of ridiculous for them to get married, but STILL! Cop out! Then there is some tacky music and some tacky almost-dancing and some tacky kissing and some tacky whispered arguing over who is happier---"I'm so happy right now," "No, I'M so happy right now," "No, I'M so happy right now!"---and then there is a horrific montage of their time together AS IF WE HAVEN'T SEEN ENOUGH OF THESE TWO. Meanwhile, poor Moana is probably still struggling to breathe in the limo. And her squashed canteloupe ta-tas can't be helping.

So that's the end! No more Bachelor! No more hot tubs or one-on-one dates, no more "ladies, this is the final rose." No more limos or champagne flutes or helicopter rides or sparkly dresses---and, thank the lord in heaven, no more Travis Stork. It's been fabulous, Internet, hasn't it? Thank you so much for taking this journey with me; I think we've had a real connection. Only one question remains, my dears, on this momentous last Secret Bachelor Tuesday. Will you accept this rose?

1
ash
Mar 01, 2006

The sad thing is I don't even watch this show. And yet, I'm going to miss this. You should start recapping another show.

2
Lori
Mar 01, 2006

Am I the only one who thought Sarah's mom looked like Kathy Bates? I had gone in the other room for a sec and when I came back, I was like, oh, Misery. How appropriate.

3
Lissa
Mar 01, 2006

I watched the end with my friend Jenny and we were both yelling at inappropriate levels. I thought the neighbors were going to come and see if there was a fight going on. Moana drives me crazy and I think I might want to switch my answer from Paris Hilton to Moana for your question 3.

4
jes
Mar 01, 2006

Hmph. I'm glad I didn't have to suffer through actually WATCHING it.

5
Rachel
Mar 01, 2006

Oh, thank god! I've been waiting ALL DAY for this post! So, did you miss the part where they blurred out Moana's exposed nipple? Which was basically every scene with her in the black dress? And when Travis rejected her and gave her a consolatory hug, she was pressed against his microphone and you could actually hear her heart breaking??? (Thumpthumpthump crrreeeaaak thuddd!)

Fantastic.

You know, America's Next Top Model is starting a new season soon. There should be some pretty good fodder there....(not to mention nipple blurrage.)

6
Gretchen
Mar 01, 2006

I don't even watch. I have just showed up for the Vicodin and Percocet in little finger bowls, which have been haunting my thoughts all afternoon. It's just so . . . Chemically Genteel, y'all. In So Cal we'd place an edible flower on top.

7
SaryAnn
Mar 01, 2006

I have a confession to make. I loved it that he picked Sarah. Everytime Moana opened her mouth and started bawling....all i heard was blah blah blah. I'm such a deep person..never in my life...in a million years(incidentally how long it will be before i want to see her and her intense feeling on tv again). Thinking of her makes me tired. One of my favorite parts was when travis' brother-in-law said that after spending the evening with Moana made them realize how much they like Sarah. I thought that was hilarious! I also may have cheered and clapped a little when he told her "i can't choose you". Her limo ride was a little sad..but thanks to your cantelope comment I will laugh now when I think of it.

8
liz
Mar 01, 2006

i'm glad that rachel mentioned moana's blurred nipples in her comment... we had a lot of fun with that one at our bachelor party last night.

9
Nothing But Bonfires
Mar 01, 2006

HOW DID I MISS THE BLURRED NIPPLES?

10
RadiantSky
Mar 01, 2006

I admit it, I watched the whole finale. I wasn't sure who to root for at first because I haven't really been watching the show. But then Moana started speaking. Do I really need to say more? I'm sorry, 'I just can't articulate' how ANNOYING she was. And she called Travis a 'human being' about 75 times like this was something she'd just figured out. "I've never in my life met a HUMAN BEING like him.." I think the turning point was when Sarah said, "I don't want you to go" and Moana said, "I don't need you, but I'd like to have you." I mean, hello? She totally shot herself in the foot through that whole episode. And his parents (footballhead! Ha!) asked what she liked about him and she couldn't name ONE THING? Holy crap, she at least could've pulled the 'good person' /'good heart' /'good chin' card. I mean, say something! My theory on Moana is that she talks alot but she never really says anything. Oh well, at least she'll always have a piece of him he can never get back... probably a chunk of his hair she cut while he was sleeping. That girl creeps me out. Anyway, hope that you find a new show to recap, you're great at it. :)

11
lisa
Mar 01, 2006

The Most Terrible Thing was when Moana said that she had never before looked in someone's eyes and seen her own soul shining back at her. Who talks like that????? After Travis made his nice speech to Moana, my roommates and I were saying "But? But?" We were so relieved when Travis finally got around to it.

You know, Supernanny is coming back on Monday nights now... It would make for some excellent recapping. Horrible children and the parents who spoil them!

12
Student Nurse, prn
Mar 01, 2006

I always get wrapped up in the media hype about the handsome new bachelor each season but by this last episode even handsome ER Doc Travis turns into someone else. In Travis' case it was dull, awkward and geeky and just so much like my own brother. Ugh.

With Moana I am afraid for two things, this chick just might commit suicide or put out a mob hit on Travis's life. That girl is seriously unbalanced.

13
krystal
Mar 01, 2006

How about Amazing Race? More couples times the drama available to rant and rave about! I love Secret Bachelor Tuesdays, I accept the rose.

14
DM
Mar 01, 2006

I think I might cry. This was so important to me and now, it is over. What will I do? I need my Secret Bachelor Tuesdays!

I confess to knowing that he chose Sarah because my co-workers were talking about it and the sweet, pretty girl who sits next to me became the Spawn of Satan when she said she would date Travis. I am afraid that I could not think of a more articulate answer than "But! But he has a pointy chin! And his last name is Stork! And he wore lime green!" Hopefully she will come to her senses soon.

Recap something else. Secret Bachelor Tuesdays have become almost as important to me as my Karaoke Sundays.

15
Adele
Mar 01, 2006

Upon meeting Nothing But Bonfires' parents (no resemblance to footballs).

"Uh yeah. I - uh- just, really - uh - feel a connection to NBB. On a heart level. Y'know? And er, yeah from the first moment we met....I just felt, like, yeah, really, this is really a radical, er thing. Yeah?

So, er, NBB, I do accept this rose. Wow I feel, like, so, emotional right now."

>Sob

16
ruby
Mar 01, 2006

Am i the only one who was rooting for Moana? Travies and her seemed to have such *SPARKS*and chemistry! (so much more than he and Sarah anyway) Yes Moana was intense and snarky at time but she also seemed genuine, deep and caring. I cried right along with her when she had her heart ripped out and broken into a million pieces! Travis wimped out and took the safe route...uuugh...

17
karen
Mar 01, 2006

Didn't it bother anyone else when Sarah told his parents that she wanted to win because she set certain goals for herself? Like, winning is the all-important thing. And then his mom was all, "Oooo. I like that she sets goals for herself." Uh. Ok.

18
vague
Mar 01, 2006

Thank you so much for taking the bullet for all of us. There was a time when I watched this show, but, frankly, I can imagine it all so much better with the help of your hilarious recaps. I just picture a pointy head, a chick in hotpants, and dozens of sad champagne flutes.

19
samantha
Mar 01, 2006

Ack! It all sounds so painful! Why did I have something to do on Monday night besides cringe in horror with the rest of America? I heard all about Moana's meltdown on a morning radio show. I really think she needs medication.

I have no idea what other show you could be recapping for us, but I reserve you for the next Project Runway season. Don't worry, you've got until January.

20
Emily
Mar 01, 2006

The day I have breasts that are mistaken for cantaloupes is the day I will rejoice. Blurred nipples or not.

I will miss Secret Bachelor Tuesdays too. Sigh. Its the End of an Era.

21
juliloquy
Mar 01, 2006

I hope Sadie's recovering well. The Portuguese are very resilient, I hear.

22
Meg
Mar 01, 2006

Okay, I'm going ahead with the unpopular and renegade view that:

a) Moana suddenly saw Donna's hair and wanted out, hence the schizoid behaviour.
b) Sarah is actually a closet tiger in the sack.
c) ABC is such a bunch of freaks that they were just blurring boob, not nipple. If her nipples are way up there, she's a bigger freak than any of us will ever understand.
d) Chris Harrison or Hanson (or whatever his name is) wanted in Moana's pants.
e) Everyone wanted Moana's stepmom. No question.

23
Aunt Tasty (Stacey)
Mar 01, 2006

I am SO glad I didn't watch any of this show. I'm quite positive the recap was far superior to the actual silicone and taffeta goat rodeo ABC put on the air.

24
Leta
Mar 01, 2006

I TOTALLY saw the NIP SLIP....I had to rewind my tivo just to make sure..It was great...I think your awesome and I just wanna know if you will be my new best friend.!!!!!..I hope that some day I can ARTICULATE just how your blog makes me feel. I"m just a human being...standing before another human being....seeing my soul shining back!!!! OH MUANA! We laugh at you!

25
Sheila
Mar 01, 2006

Lori-- I, too, thought that Kathy Bates snuck her way on to the show. Darn, I wanted to be the first to comment on that...

Who else could we get to act in the movie (or off-Broadway) version of The Bachelor: Paris? I nominate Anne Hathaway for Puff Daddy Sarah. And for poor Moana, perhaps Winona Ryder? She's got the freakishly dark persona, but I think she'd need to get her cantaloupes enhanced.

Holly, I will miss these recaps. I volunteer you to write a FENTESSSY version of what happens when Mrs. Puff Daddy Kathy Bates meets Football Head, just so we can continue the laughs for a while longer.

26
Fraulein N
Mar 01, 2006

I am sad to see the end of Secret Bachelor Tuesdays. They were shameful and decadent in a way that brought me great comfort.

27
lindsay
Mar 01, 2006

i can't bring myself to watch the horror that is the Bachelor... but I have come to love your recaps! hope that the kitty is doing well post surgery.

28
s@bd
Mar 02, 2006

We *may* have discussed this previously but ... LOVE your cat's name.

And, I'm with Adele: I really really, like, feel the connection and, like, feel that I'm reading this blog for, like, all the right reasons.

29
√Čireann
Mar 02, 2006

Oh I will *sob sob* I mean, really, I just can't wait to go back to Nashville with you and start our lives together *sob sob* I just feel so safe and secure *sob sob* oh please put a TWO AND A HALF CARAT ENGAGEMENT RING ON A CHAIN AROUND MY NECK SO WE CAN SHOW HOW MEANINGFUL OUR HANGING OUT AT BED, BATH AND BEYOND WILL BE *sob sob* YOU HAVE A PART OF MY HEART THAT I CAN NEVER GET BACK, HOLLY. *vomits*

30
Trina
Mar 04, 2006

First of all, let me apologize for writing this response so late. I have been unbelieveably busy at work this week and it has taken me three days to finish reading your blog along with all the comments listed.
I love reading your comments. They are so funny and I "seriously" hope that you start recapping Greys Anatomy very soon.
I did see the Final Rose episode of the bachelor. I was at a total loss to explain Travis' mother but football head is dead on. lol
I just want to add that I cannot stand Moana, I am sure that she suffers from some kind of mental illness that prevents her from having normal relationships with people. ie the other girls in the house, no one liked her. Travis was not her type one day and the next day she was in love?!!? I see the signs of an unstable person. I did see the nipple blurr, and I rewinded my tivo too!!! WOW that would be embarrasing. I would have cried in the limo over flashing my nipple to america more than being rejected by Travis. I did not find him all that attractive.
And finally, I think Travis and Sara are perfect for each other LMAO!!!!
but they do make a pretty boring couple.

31
stellalafayette
Apr 30, 2006

ok - i was reading about oil changes and then just found this post by googling 'moana from the bachelor, boobs' - i did so b/c i think i'm the only person in the world who saw her nip slip while she was sobbing in the limo. i swear to god it slipped - i rewound it four times - sob, slip - sob, slip - sob, slip - sob, slip

also, has anyone checked out her myspace page? sounds like her daddy is in prison.... no wonder she's so f'd up.