The Best Thing Ever Would Be If Moana And Sarah Decided To Ditch Travis And Choose Each Other Instead

Yesterday was totally going to be the BEST! DAY! EVER! First of all, I was told to leave work at noon and take the rest of the day off; they said it was because I'd worked so late on Friday night, but I know it was really because of the public service I performed with the Napoleon Dynamite soundboard and the office loudspeaker. So after I'd briefly tried to convince Sean that I was home at noon because I'd been fired---he totally wasn't buying it, which was a shame, because I tried to keep the charade up for about 20 minutes, which was exhausting---we went out for lunch, and then I took a nap, screwed up one Sudoku puzzle but aced another, baked some brownies, and made my own salad dressing. A good day, right? And in the back of my head, I had that constant buzzing Christmas Day-type feeling where you know you've got something to look forward to later, and that thing was The Bachelor: The Women Tell All!

Except it turned out not to be The Women Tell All! and more like The Women Tell Nothing At All, But Damn, Some Of Them Have Really Let Themselves Go, which was mildly entertaining, though truthfully a rather poor alternative. Nonetheless, there is still a Secret Bachelor Tuesday post to be had from this, and it's the second-to-last one, so please stick around and we'll dissect and gossip together. I have to confess, though, that I totally missed the interview with Beautiful Susan because my mother called just as it came on, so if anyone can tell me what happened there---and also why her mascara didn't run when she was crying, and don't tell me it was waterproof because that shit doesn't work, at least not on me---I'll be eternally indebted to you. Also, if you'd like to catch up on any of the previous Secret Bachelor Tuesdays, you can---in chronological order---read about Crazy Allie G. and her rotting eggs of freakishness here, Crazy Kristen and the Date Of Intense Humiliation here, Smitten Kitten Susan and Everyone Hates Moana here, Pointy Travis and the Lime Green Sweatshirt here, the Awkward Hometown Dates here, and the Handing Over Of the FENTESSSY Card here. (God, that was a lot of linking. Good thing I'm writing this at work so I'm at least being paid for it. CONFIDENTIAL TO BOSSES, IF YOU SHOULD EVER FIND THIS: Of course I'm not writing this at work! Don't be silly! I was totally joking! There is lots of editing to do! And I am doing it! Can you just, uh, wait a second while I finish blogging?)

So back to The Bachelor: The Women Tell All!, or as Liz calls it, The Bachelor: Spiteful Women Get Their Revenge! First there is a lot of applauding and we see all the women again, sitting in a studio somewhere in Los Angeles, trying desperately to extend their fifteen minutes of fame into seventeen and a half, by way of lots of hairspray, Mystic Tan, and thinly-veiled bitchery. (Wait, there were bachelorettes called Princess and Venus? How did I miss them?) Everyone talks for a little while about what a gorgeous, chiseled heart throb Travis was, while I snort and shout "POINTY! POINTY!" at the television, and also "Wore lime green! Had a pink and purple house! Asked for hamburgers instead of eating the French food!" and also "Should not be excused for these travesties just because he's an ER doctor!" Seriously, did any of you think Travis was handsome? Like, for longer than the first episode? Did you really? Because I have three words for you if you did: Look. At. This. The fantastic MetroDad sent it to me and it features Travis with long hair and a very tight t-shirt, and is sort of the Bachelor equivalent of Before They Were Famous.

Then there is the interview with Beautiful Susan, which I watch on mute while I chat to my mother because I am apparently a rather half-assed, laissez-faire sort of recapper and seem not to care that you will have large gaping plot holes in your Secret Bachelor Tuesdays. Then there is an interview with Stoned Canadian Sarah, who is now a brunette and also quite possibly no longer stoned, since it's SEVERAL MONTHS LATER, but I manage to miss most of this too because I am totally blinded by this hideous synthetic off-the-shoulder bright pink shirt Hotpants Tara is wearing. This is the kind of shirt that could start wars, I think. Or stop traffic. Or incite riots or cause birth defects or---whatever, it's revolting. She must be attending an 80s party after the taping. This can be the only explanation for such a monstrosity.

Speaking of Hotpants Tara, there is an interesting piece of footage which comes up in the next segment, in which we see Crazy Kristen crashing and burning on her date with Travis by cutting up a piece of lemon peel to make Totally Wacky Redneck Teeth. Remember that? What is interesting, however, is what happens BEFORE the date, because get this: it turns out that Kristen had done that trick in the house for the girls before she'd done it for Travis, and everyone had kind of laughed nervously in a sort of horrified way, and then Hotpants Tara---that conniving bitch!---had said, "Just show him the orange peel trick and you're in," and KRISTEN HAD ACTUALLY LISTENED TO HER! Which, you know, was stupid, since Hotpants Tara was undoubtedly being sarcastic, but still! Sabotage! Backstabbery! Like a Miss Teen USA pageant! Awesome!

I'll tell you what's not awesome though: the fact that we are PROMISED an audience with Allie G.---"the only woman in Bachelor history to verbally attack a bachelor on opening night!"---and then in the lamest cop-out ever, it transpires that Allie G, has "declined to be here tonight." Oh Allie, come on! Now you're just being selfish. You all but have a PUBLIC DUTY to appear on television and talk a little more about your rotting eggs. YOU OWE US. Do you think Hotpants Tara wanted to stop by the studio on the way to that 80s party she was invited to tonight? No! She's a busy woman! She has many tequila shots to do! But she rescheduled, she shifted a few things around, she arranged to arrive a little late at the 80s party so she could be a part of The Women Tell All!, even if it meant being on TV in costume. You, however, just "declined" to be here. Possibly you were busy getting your (rotting) eggs frozen, but still! You totally could have done that on live TV, couldn't you? Apparently, there is still some scraping to be done at the bottom of this particular barrel.

Then His Pointiness comes on stage and there's lots of applauding and lots of self-righteous nodding, and Travis, ever the classy gentleman, offers up one of his friends for Crazy Kristen. Then there's a reel of bloopers which features lots of people burping and smelling their armpits and many bees flying into the camera. It's sort of like America's Funniest Home Videos, but .... not funny. Hotpants Tara simultaneously incites my ire and gains membership to the Paris Hilton School of Wisdom (Vice President: Jessica Simpson) by saying "I don't really know much, but I can drink," and then OH GOD, MY EYES! MY EYES! Travis is dancing! There is too much dancing! He is doing the dancing where you look like you're dribbling a basketball, and his eyes are closed and his pointy chin is jutting forward, and he's biting his lip and nodding and OH GOD, PLEASE JUST BRING BACK TARA'S MONSTROUS PINK SHIRT, EVEN THAT WOULD BE BETTER THAN THIS!

And it's over. Thank god. Now we are talking about who Travis is going to pick; apparently, viewers are voting for Moana. And you know, I kind of was too, until MetroDad showed me this---I know! He's like the Patron Saint Of Digging Up Reality TV Dirt, isn't he? He should be hired by Us Weekly!---which is Moana's MySpace profile, a document that reveals: a) way too many pictures of Moana in a cowboy hat, b) the ridiculous notion that she considers herself an "artisan of life," and c) possibly a boob job.

So who do YOU think he's going to pick? Because we're all on tenterhooks at the Nothing But Bonfires HQ. "Oh, it's going to plague me, Charlie, it's going to plague me!" sings Sean in a high falsetto, grabbing the cat as Chris Harrison informs us solemnly that next week's episode will reveal "the most unforgettable conclusion to the most romantic season ever." Man, can you totally not WAIT? Who will he pick? Will he propose? And should we have a Virtual Bachelor Party or something, with syrupy pink Bachelor-tinis and roses, and should we all call each other in the commercials and discuss Moana's bangs?

MORE IMPORTANTLY, what are we going to have in place of Secret Bachelor Tuesdays once it's all over? Susie thinks Boarding School Thursdays, because she wants me to tell everyone about the time the older girls stole everyone's knickers and hung them from the front windows of the school, and also when we tried to sneak two boys into End of Term Assembly by dressing them up in school uniform and putting makeup on them. But dear reader, it's up to you. I know there's going to be a gaping, empty, terrible hole in your life once Dr. Travis Stork has disappeared from our collective television sets. How can I help you fill it?