Office Space (AKA The Most Boring Post Ever But I Just Couldn't Leave Pointy Travis Up There For Much Longer.)

Here is something sad: it's past eight on a Friday night, and I'm STILL AT WORK. Here's something even sadder: I'm mad that I'm still at work because it means that I've had to abandon the plans I had for tonight. And the plans I had were to clean my house.

I know! I'm such a loser! Where is my pocket protractor? Pass me the scotch tape so I can paste a piece to the bridge of my glasses! I'm turning around now so you can stick a sheet of paper onto my back without me knowing. Adding to my dork quotient is the fact that I'm the only one in my office who is stone-cold sober at the moment; these late deadline nights tend to inspire someone to run out and buy a few six-packs and a bottle or two of wine, and I'm not partaking because when I finally do get to go home, I have a very long and high bridge to drive over and my encounter with the drunk rednecks has made me sort of wary of even SWITCHING RADIO STATIONS while in the car, let alone driving while tipsy . I am of course indulging in the Tostitos and the Brownie Bites and the JellyBellys, but the sugar high seems not to be half as fun as the beer buzz everyone else is rocking. All I have to say is this: if you happen to pick up the March issue of the magazine I work for, please don't blame me for the spelling errors.

Know a fun thing to do when you're working late? Page the whole office, then hold your speakers up to the phone, and press a few buttons on this Napoleon Dynamite soundboard. My co-workers were just treated to a one-sided conversation featuring Napoleon himself which went pretty much like this: "Hello? Is Pedro there? Do the chickens have large talons? I caught you a delicious bass. Tina, come get some ham! Tina, come get some ham! Tina, come get some ham! Pedro offers you his protection. See ya." I'd say it's entirely possible that I will now be named Employee of the Year.

1
Andrew, I'm Sitting
Feb 18, 2006

I begker your pardsdn. The seventeenksdl beers I've had hasn'lknkern done anksything to hampernln my spellighj.

2
s
Feb 18, 2006

hey ... ummm... is Charleston full of people who look like the chick on your (although technically, I suppose, it's not yours, is it?) magazine? It's freaky, in a way, because that's sort of what I imagine people in Charleston look like ...

3
Nothing But Bonfires
Feb 18, 2006

Yes, we all look like characters from history! We wear hoop skirts to the grocery store and bustles to the bar.

It was the History Issue, that's why we have the portrait of that woman on the site. She's totally uncool. Normally we have, like, hot models and shit.

4
Blakeburn
Feb 18, 2006

Holly, this is pointless but I'm sat drunk in Josh's bedroom - he's playing Mozart and Belle & Sebastian on his recorder and you HAVE to come back to London soon xxx

5
Nothing But Bonfires
Feb 18, 2006

I would like it to be known that I left the office at 9:42pm. Can we all jot that down quickly and keep it somewhere safe? It will come in useful should the subject of a raise ever come up.

6
Lynn
Feb 18, 2006

It is difficult to proofread while drunk. I can attest to that.

7
Lissa
Feb 18, 2006

Oh my goodness that totally reminds of the time when I was working and I paged the whole office. My office was very boring and listened to classical music ALL the time and after one particular piece I pretended to I was DJing on NPR and said that was Mozart's 5th symphony and went into explicit detail about the piece making all this stuff up. Actually now that I tell this story it's not so funny but AT THE TIME people were cracking up.

I promise I'm not boring as this makes me sound.

8
Student Nurse, prn
Feb 18, 2006

Where do we send the emails about you deserving a raise?

9
Ali G
Feb 18, 2006

anyone who plays napoleon dynamite over the loudspeaker DESERVES a raise - for contributions made at the office.

i wonder if we have a loudspeaker? unfortunately i work in a 24hr call center, so there's really no good time for it...

10
Gallaudet
Feb 18, 2006

Next time I have to stay late at work I am totally putting Napoleon Dynamite on the overhead page system. "Trauma Alert: Tina, come get some ham! Trauma Alert: Tina, come get some ham!"

Your magazine looks way southern. Which, as the daughter of an expatriot Alabama girl, I find familiar and sort of comforting. Also unnerving. Is it odd, working in such an intensely regional milieu, or does it give you a perfect way to get to know the city? Or both?

11
DM
Feb 19, 2006

I would totally love it if you worked in my building but we don't have a loud speaker and we're in a call center and the bosses would not be pleased. But it would be funny.

And you so deserve a raise.

12
Eric
Feb 19, 2006

Good God! Your office sounds MUCH more fun than mine. Even at 9:00 PM on a Friday night.

Five or six years ago -- before everybody and their brother had Caller ID -- my friends used to amuse themselves at the office by phoning two organizations that would logically hate each other, each on a separate line, and then connecting everybody as soon as they answered without saying a word.

Then everyone would sit around and laugh and laugh as the Navy and Greenpeace argued over who had called whom.

Or, say, PETA and a furrier, or a steakhouse and a vegetarian restaurant.

There really was no end to the fun.

Stupid technology. You just can't get away with that stuff anymore.

13
kelly
Feb 19, 2006

wow, was that ever a big fast 'add to favorites' on the Napolean Dynomite sound board! thanks!

14
Gretchen
Feb 19, 2006

Working late on the Friday before a holiday weekend rises to the level of cruel and unusual punishment. And it's always, um, interesting being the only completely sober person in a roomful of drunks.

I have to confess that although I'm the dorkiest of dorks, I don't get the whole Napoleon Dynamite thing, possibly because I'm completely freaked out by the Elvis Costello connection . . . you know, EC having released "Blood and Chocolate" in 1986 with the words Napoleon Dynamite on the album cover as a sort of pseudonym, and then almost 20 years later this movie shows up. I will never be able to think Napoleon Dynamite without thinking Elvis Costello.

15
Meepers
Feb 20, 2006

Ahh! Yes! The myriad joys of being the only sober one in the office (not that I was usually that person, but...) working late, AND of the N.D. soundboards, soundboards in general. I used to have our secretary transfer all the telemarketing calls to me, and I'd have the Dr. Phil or Jack Black soundboards up.

I'd put them on speaker and let the soundboards do the talking, while everyone in earshot tried not to crack up when Dr. Phil said, "I want you to go and live as a gay woman" or Jack Black ordered a "Jr. Western bacon Chee" burger with a "half diet, half regular coke and instructed them to take two chicken nuggets and" ahem, insert them. My record for this sort of shenanegan was a five minute phone call, complete with three transfers. Eventually they stopped calling, which meant I had to get back to Work. Drive safely, here's to no more drunken rednecks in your personal space!

PS. I found Fussy thanks to you - have been very much enjoying her archives, as we lived in the same town, until she moved all of ten miles away to my own hometown. She's quite good, v. entertaining, plus Katie and Jackson! Spidey underfugs!