No, I Won't Accept This Rose. Moreover, I Won't Accept Your Lime Green Sweatshirt And Your Pointy Chin.

When I was about 17, we read Ben Jonson's play Volpone in English class and I wasn't really into it. I was much more enamoured of the other two books we were studying---The Great Gatsby and Lyrical Ballads, I think---and every time Tuesday afternoon rolled around, I could hardly believe it was Volpone day again, because it seemed like we'd just had Volpone day and seriously, now we were having it again? The only thing I really liked about the book was that I learned the word "mountebank" from it, and then even had a chance to use it a few weeks later. You'd think it'd be awfully hard to use the word "mountebank" in modern day conversation, wouldn't you, but no, apparently I'm just that much of a nerd.
Anyway, I tell you this only because Monday nights, which are obviously Bachelor nights, seem to be taking on their own Volpone-esque quality, in that they seem to be rolling around awfully quickly, and causing me much dread---and not even the chance to learn new words, because these girls don't really employ words with more than two syllables (with the exception, of course, of "connection.") Frankly, the show is actually really starting to grate on my nerves now. I know, I know, quelle surprise and all that, I guess I just didn't realize that prolonged viewing of such an inane program would have such adverse effects on my well-being. I'm taking particular offense to Travis' chin at the moment, which seems to be getting pointier by the second, and which is showcased in all its pointy glory---and by glory, I really mean the opposite of glory---in this incredibly intense new I'm-super-interested-in-everything-you're-saying gaze that he's taken to adopting lately. God, it irritates the crap out of me. It's like overenthusiastic therapist meets Blue Steel. But anyway! We soldier on! And this is why you don't watch it, remember? This is why you read Secret Bachelor Tuesday recaps instead. YOU ARE SO LUCKY. You will never see Travis in lime green, and your life will be all the more enjoyable for it.
So Week Four of Secret Bachelor Tuesday will hereby be dubbed the Ganging Up On Moana Episode, since this is mainly what happens for the majority of the hour. (I have such a problem with remembering that word, "majority." Do you know what I always write instead? I always write plupart, which is French for "most of." I've not spoken or studied French for about six years, and yet I somehow have still managed to ingrain into my subconscious that it's perfectly acceptable to just randomly throw a French word in with the rest of the English sometimes. Could there be any behaviour more pretentious? What's next? Will I start wearing an aggressively cocked beret made from the hides of a thousand mountain goats and listening to jazz fusion and attending poetry slams?)

Week four is a big one; at the end of the episode, Travis will choose four girls from the six remaining, and these will be the ones whose hometowns he'll visit. I'm irritated from the start, when Irritating Host Chris Harrison irritatingly comes in and tells the girls---irritatingly---that two very special people will be coming over to determine who gets to go on the two irritating dates with Travis. Wait, I mean "intimate" dates with Travis. "My heart is thumping so hard right now," says Beautiful Susan, and even though I'm already irritated, I'm sort of embarassed to admit that mine kind of is too, as first two pairs of feet, then four legs, then two torsos appear on screen. And we pan up to the faces.......oh, it's Manicure Jennifer and Forgettable Shiloh, back from last week. What an anti-climax.
But honestly, the interviews are actually kind of enjoyable, because there's just no pleasing Manicure Jennifer and Forgettable Shiloh! They're incredibly harsh in their assessment of their erstwhile rivals. At 29, Jihad is apparently too old---"don't you think you've left it a little late in the game?" asks one of them---but Stoned Canadian Sarah, at 23, is too young. And Hotpants Tara---god, this is actually the BEST PART OF THE WHOLE SHOW---is just too much of a lush. "Three out of the four times you've been with Travis, you've been drunk!" admonishes Manicure Jennifer, or maybe it's Forgettable Shiloh, who even knows anymore? Moana is interrogated so thoroughly for her preliminary disinterest in Travis and subsequent about-face that she starts crying. (Here is my Official Analysis of the Situation, even though I hardly care anymore: You see, I actually think Moana might be the most sensible of the lot---at least she's only just decided she might like Travis, which maybe is how it sort of works sometimes in Real Life. It sure beats all the other girls wailing about what great connections they have with him, and how they're falling for him after knowing him for 24 hours.)
Despite being a positively geriatric 29, Jihad is awarded the first solo date with Travis, and thank the lord, they get a Landrover rather than the hideous Smart Car from last---HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, LOOK AT ALL THAT CHEESE AND WINE, AND THE BREAD! THE BREAD! LOOK AT THE BREAD! I would trade Travis for three of those baguettes, and maybe ask for a wheel of Brie to be thrown in too if he insisted on wearing the lime green sweater. The happy couple gathers up some supplies for a picnic in front of the Eiffel Tower, Travis gives Jihad a tacky necklace, and then it's time for the commercial break, before which Irritating Host Chris Harrison tells us that COMING UP, we'll learn Jihad's Big Huge Important Secret, the one that was hinted at last week. Good, I'm glad, because maybe that means people will stop googling "what happened to Jehan when she was 25?" and ending up at my site, only to be disappointed. Seriously, I think Jihad was responsible for half my traffic over the last week. Well, Jihad and naked peeing girls.
Oh, I almost forgot, here's the secret: she used to be married. Yawn. But apparently the guy married her just so he could get his green card and stay in the country! And she didn't realize! Which makes her three times as stupid as I thought she was in the first place. Also, I'm starting to think she looks a bit like a duller Paris Hilton, like maybe how Paris Hilton might look if she contacted some horrible flu-like virus and had to stay in bed, growing paler and less blonde and more washed out every day. She also looks sort of like Lo from Laguna Beach. (I'm so embarrassed by these pop culture references I'm making, by the way, but at least we had Ben Jonson earlier, did we not?)
So Travis is shocked by the admission of marriage, and elects not to give her an Exemption Rose, though he still wants her to stay while he decides what to do about this Surprising Turn of Events. Uh, cop-out alert! Travis is wishy-washy! And pointy! And dressed in chartreuse! AND YOU ALL STILL HAVE A CONNECTION WITH THIS MAN? Back at the house, Jihad tells the other girls about her Big Huge Important Secret, while I stifle another yawn. Did I tell you this show was irritating me? The stress and frustration may in fact be the reason I'm eating marshmallows out of the bag---like straight, with no hot chocolate or s'mores action, I mean this is MARSHMALLOW CRACK right here---but then again it's more likely because we had a bag left over from a party we had Friday night and I don't like anything to go to waste. (Aw, Internet, don't be offended about the party! You could have come! As long as you told someone where you were going first and arranged to meet me in a well-lit public corner of my house, that is. Don't cry! Maybe next time.)
So then it's time for the group date, wherein Moana, Beautiful Susan, Stoned Canadian Sarah, and Hotpants Tara go biking through the French countryside. Travis rather pompously proposes a race, with the winner getting to spend some alone time with him. Gratifyingly, Moana wins, and the other girls gnash their teeth in horror. Travis whisks Moana off to have a massage with him, wherein we see way more than we wanted to of the side of Moana's boob as she lies topless on her stomach, the hussy! I always think it's a bit racy when they have these massages together; I mean you've known this person a few days and he's only really allowing you to spend time with him because you WON A BIKE RACE, and now you're lying side by side, nekkid apart from a towel, and the side of your boob---which you probably had to very subtly tuck underneath you when he wasn't looking---is kind of on display, and it all seems just a little.....weird, doesn't it? Well, Travis seems to like it. And his chin is less pointy when he's lying down, so there's that.
Meanwhile, the other girls are in the pool bitching about Moana and making themselves look selfish and hideous and awful, and this will not be the first time this happens, you can trust me on that. But first, it's Travis and Puff Daddy Sarah from Tennessee's date to Montmartre, which Puff Daddy Susan pronounces "Monte-Mart" like it's the Quik-E-Mart or something. They have their portrait done by a very sweet and amiable-looking Frenchman whom Travis refers to as "a mad scientist" who "is freaking [him] out," thus doing his bit to improve relations between France and the United States A WHOLE BUNCH. At dinner, he calls Puff Daddy Sarah From Tennessee "pure and true" and says things like "I respect so much that you're a kindergarten teacher" and then plays a cruel trick by saying "I think you need to go home..." watching as her face falls, and then saying "...but I hope you can take me with you." Now, that was just uncalled for! Why would you mess with Puff Daddy Sarah from Tennessee's feelings, Travis? Ah, whatever. I think he's homesick and just wants an excuse to go back to Nashville.
Back at the house, Let's Talk About Moana Version 4847 is going on in one of the bedrooms, and one of the girls---I think it might be Beautiful Susan, but we shouldn't assume, though she does look like she could be a total bitch, doesn't she?----says "if she got picked as one of the four, I would vomit." Moana, curiously rocking a weird pompadour-style hairdo, is listening incredulously outside; finally, she comes in and very coolly says "I really appreciate your assessment of me," and then WHOA, THE SMACKDOWN BEGINS! Props to Jihad for actually defending her point of view and telling Moana why she doesn't like her, while the other girls all sit there looking like butter wouldn't melt in their mouths. Ooh, these girls really annoy me. I hope Travis picks one of them and then marries her, and they have a really twee and suburban life in some new housing development in Nashville, while Moana dates rock stars and plays beer pong with Lindsay Lohan and goes skydiving in Burma on the weekends. And invites me.
Next thing you know, His Royal Pointiness is biking over to the women's house and OH MY EYES ARE BURNING, HIS LEGS ARE SO SKINNY AND HE'S WEARING A BANDANA! Five of the girls are hanging out together on the stairs, while we see a shot of Moana all bleak and depressed in the study, channeling Sylvia Plath while she writes moodily in a journal and ignores the pot of tea in front of her because she's just too weary to drink it. Travis drags Stoned Canadian Sarah away to have a talk and does the Gazing Too Hard look, then does it again with Jihad, who is wearing a denim jacket with jeans, quite possibly in an attempt to make Travis feels less embarassed about his own outfit. Finally Travis finds Moana all curled up in front of the fire and does the patented Gazing Too Hard look for a third time, as she goes on about how grateful she is to have met him, and starts crying again. "This goes beyond roses; this is real life," opines Travis, solemnly. I sort of hate him. But damn, these marshmallows are good.
Now we have the Rose Ceremony, and here I must tell you something just a little cringe-worthy. A couple of my friends went kayaking over the weekend, and while they were kayaking, they started talking about how they felt like they were on one of the group dates on The Bachelor, because there were four girls and one guy, who was the guide. Naturally, most boys---ESPECIALLY SEAN, WHO IS PAYING ME TO SAY THIS---don't watch the show and so they had to explain the finer plot details to the guide. A few hours later, once the kayaking trip was over, he insisted upon handing out a shell---because there were no roses around, obviously---to the girl he liked the best, proving that yes, you can take a ridiculous show way too seriously. Even more seriously than me, in fact! I'm not sure if the moral of this story is don't go kayaking, don't watch The Bachelor, or don't ever talk to boys again in case they turn out to be tools, but it's certainly one of the three.
So anyway, we go straight into the ceremony, no cocktail party this time because THIS IS BUSINESS, and Travis gives this awful speech replete with lines like "each of you is beautiful inside and out," and "I feel blessed to have met you; you've left an imprint on my life," and then Stoned Canadian Sarah is offered the first rose. Then Beautiful Susan gets one, and there's only one left (because Puff Daddy Sarah From Tennessee has her Exemption Rose, remember, so that Travis can go to Nashville under the pretense of meeting her family) and guess who gets it? No, go on, guess! What would make the best television? If Moana got it, right?
AND MOANA GETS IT! Oh, there is so much scowling going on, and as Hotpants Tara says goodbye to Travis, she whispers, "just watch out for someone who's fooling you; someone here is trying to fool with your head." Then she says to the camera, "I just didn't get the chance I deserve." Uh, yes you did, Hotpants Tara. You were just drunk every time.
So next week we leave Paris behind and head to the states to meet everyone's families! I can already tell from the previews that I like Stoned Canadian Sarah's mother and the color of Beautiful Susan's dining room, so maybe these things will lessen my irritation next week. For the plupart of the show, anyway. Or until I have to see Travis again, at least. Honestly, The Bachelor would probably be a whole lot better without the bachelor, don't you think?

1
Blakeburn
Feb 01, 2006

One of Beautiful Susan's TOP THREE attributes is that she's "authentic"? As opposed to those knock-off, dodgy Susans sold at market stalls?
I'm almost sad we don't get the Batch in its full glory over here...

2
Nothing But Bonfires
Feb 01, 2006

Blakeburn, I think those knock-off dodgy Susans are sold by mountebanks.

OH YES I DID! I USED IT AGAIN!

3
DM
Feb 01, 2006

Oh, God, I love this.

Where else can I learn the word mountebank (which I sort of knew but it refreshed my memory) and plupart and also laugh hysterically over the obvious ridiculousness of this show?

Is it weird that I'm completely psyched that Moana got the rose when I've never seen this show? And who the hell wears chartruese? It's the most annoying color ever.

4
mom on a wire
Feb 01, 2006

Ugh, that horrible bandana. Either join a gang or get off the pot Travis! Or something.

5
lindsay
Feb 01, 2006

all i can say is hee! and although i don't watch (it makes my teeth hurt), i love the recaps -so much more entertaining.

6
Emily
Feb 01, 2006

Jeans + denim jacket = the dreaded DENIM JUMPSUIT.

How awful! Don't they have stylists or helpers or SOMEONE on that show who can help them not dress like gas station attendants?!

7
lisa
Feb 01, 2006

This whole "I'm gazing into your eyes and cocking my head to show my deep and true concern for you as a person" look that Travis has adopted almost makes me miss Evan from Joe Millionaire and his "I'm pretending to listen to you while waiting for an opportunity to stare at your boobs" look.

I missed this week, so it's good to be fully caught up on the romantic escapades of those crazy kids. Irritating, vapid kids (oh right, except for the positively ancient Jihad).

Mountebank, huh? I think my worst was when I shouted at the attendent in San Francisco who was trying to charge $30 for "symphony parking" -- "WHAT? No way, we will not be hornswoggled, sir!" before angrily backing up my car. Hornswoggled? Seriously? The guy just looked bewildered.

9
Nothing But Bonfires
Feb 01, 2006

Wow, I would have been impressed merely with "swindled" but "hornswoggled" takes the cake!

10
Meg
Feb 01, 2006

Seriously. It's so nice not to have to watch it, but yet ENJOY IT SO.

11
Emily Ann
Feb 01, 2006

I found your website via Misplaced Texan (aka Lissa) and LOVE your site!! I just wanted to let you and your readers know I found this blog regarding The Bachelor Paris and he somehow found older pics of Travis with nasty, stringy long hair! Check it out (but I must say your recaps make me laugh harder!): www.bachelorupdate.blogspot.com

Cheers!
Emily

12
Sheila
Feb 01, 2006

Please, please, PLEASE don't be irritated enough not to watch next week. Your recaps leave me laughing for the plupart of the day.

13
Marcheline
Feb 01, 2006

OK. Now you're just being silly. With the recaps of Bachelor. Remember when you used to blog? About your real life? That was much more fun. To read.

Damn. Short sentences. Must be my recurring period.

- M

P.S. The word "mountebank" takes a starring role in the movie "Original Sin". The line: (In faux British accent) "You're about as french as my asshole, you silly mountebank."

14
dutch
Feb 01, 2006

first: let me thank the gods for having found nothing but bonfires. it's currently my favorite blog that uses jacobean literary references to contextualize 4th generation-horrible reality television.

second: blue jeans + denim jacket = canadian tuxedo.

third: my wife makes me watch this show while I hurl obscenities at the screen. and frankly, I have watched all the bachelors (and the bachelorettes) with a group of wine-drinking women since after the first trista season (was it Bob?). I sometimes even cook them dinner. I am deeply ashamed of this, and have been for some time, but because I think having seen the show the other night made me appreciate HOW FUCKING FUNNY this recap was even more, I am no longer ashamed. I am proud.

fourth: travis's pecs make my ego hurt. I wish he would just keep his shirt on. isn't it enough that you're a chisel-jawed M.D. with only a slightly receding hairline? Did you have to be all cut like that too?

fifth: hotpants tara has been such a disappointment to me. that made her departure all that much easier.

sixth: when puff daddy sarah said Monty-mart I stood up covered my ears and walked around the apartment screaming jibberish. it was the last straw until that portrait artist sketched Travis to look like an emaciated street thug lurking behind puff daddy sarah to snatch her purse looking for $10 to buy another cap of H, that made it all worth it.

15
Daydreams and Musings
Feb 01, 2006

Your recaps are better and funnier than television without pity and I LOVE TWP. I've only watched a few snippets of Bachelor. I don't think my brain would survive an entire episode what with it being all soft and squishy already from too much CSI:Miami. (Lord help me, I have no idea why I watch that show). I hope you can continue through the whole season because I'm really getting hooked on Secret Bachelor Tuesday!

16
Student Nurse, prn
Feb 01, 2006

WOW-you out did yourself with this weeks re-cap. And saved me an hour of precious time.

This, by-the-way, was a brilliant perception.

"You see, I actually think Moana might be the most sensible of the lot---at least she's only just decided she might like Travis, which maybe is how it sort of works sometimes in Real Life. It sure beats all the other girls wailing about what great connections they have with him, and how they're falling for him after knowing him for 24 hours."

She might have tried to stay cynical and removed at first and then BAM it hits her. This is a guy I want to fight for.

Bravo!

17
Celina
Feb 01, 2006

Wow! Reading this Very Long "recap" was way more interesting than watching the show could EVER be! And, I haven't watched "The Bachelor" since season 2. Thanks for sharing your hilarious insight and witty assessments!

18
liz
Feb 01, 2006

i've always thought that there is nothing better than a bandana to accentuate dangerously sharp cheekbones and an angular chin. i suppose spandex comes in as a close second, however. there are rumors abound (according to such newsworthy outlets as MSNBC and E! Online) that Travis and PuffDaddy Pure-and-True Sarah have been spotted together in their shared hometown of Nashville...could this possibly be be a clue that she was given the final rose? Could this also be a clue that I am in desperate need of more important things to do with my life?

19
Fraulein N
Feb 01, 2006

These recaps are the best thing about Tuesday. I can't bring myself to watch this show, so thanks for taking one for the team.

20
Alana
Feb 02, 2006

I thoroughly enjoyed your recap of the show! It's fun to watch it, knowing that you are going to make fun of it later. My husband thinks I'm sinking to new levels of TV-watching, but what's the fun of having a DVR if you can't record trashy shows?

I still haven't decided what to think about Moana; I think he'll end up with her or Nashville Sarah. I guess it remains to be seen...