It's Such a Shame When You Think Of All the Chocolate Croissants They're Probably Not Eating

So here we all are for week three of Secret Bachelor Tuesdays! Take a seat! Hide your shame! And remember: I'm watching so you don't have to! Now, if you missed week one, featuring Allie G. And Her Rotting Eggs of Freakishness, you can catch up here. If you couldn't make it last week to read about Crazy Kristen And The Date Of Intense Humiliation, you can get up to speed here. And if you're not here for Secret Bachelor Tuedays, please come back tomorrow when I will tell you a very funny story about the Internet being a very small place, me being mortified, and the most random person in the world contacting me after finding my website. So I'll see you then. Also, you never heard anything about us watching The Bachelor, okay? Mum's the word.

Right! I must preface this installment of Secret Bachelor Tuesdays by saying that I watched this whole episode with a constant soundtrack of incredulous snorting coming from the other side of the sofa where Sean was sitting DOING A SUDOKU PUZZLE AND DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY NOT PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO THE TELEVISION WHATSOEVER. Which was sometimes rather irritating---because it meant I couldn't hear what the people on TV were saying---and yet also kind of gratifying, because it saved me from having to do the snorting myself. Isn't that the nice thing about a relationship? It's all about the sharing of duties! He took the incredulous snorting this week for The Bachelor, I'll take it next week for Wife Swap. Which OBVIOUSLY neither of us really watch either. Come on! Like I even have to tell you that.

This week, there are eight girls left, and to help him pick the most suitable ones, two of Travis' friends from Tennessee come to visit. There's Matt, who is terribly geeky but also very strangely sexy---my parents have a friend like that called Curiously Sexy Peter, who is short and balding with glasses and who is most definitely NOT SEXY, yet also somehow IS, hence the name---and then there's Kevin, also a doctor, who has very sharp geometric cheekbones. What is going on here? Travis has these cheekbones too! Do they breed doctors with sharp geometric cheekbones in Nashville or something? Can anyone in Nashville prove or disprove this theory? Is there something in the water? Like, I don't know, maybe a chisel?

So Kevin and Matt have all sorts of questions to ask the girls, and then, based on their answers, they'll choose who gets to go on the solo date with Travis. There's lots of ditzy squealing and giggling during the interview process, and everyone is fairly shrill. And this is where I make a decision. Now, my New Year's Resolution this year was not to squeal so much, because I tend to EXCLAIM! rather a lot and also sometimes SHRIEK! and get very excited about everything, and I can understand that maybe this is not always warranted, and that also maybe it can become quite taxing for the people around whom I am squealing. Except I'd obviously forgotten this New Year's Resolution by January 3rd, as one does, and was in fact squealing and exclaiming and being shrill over some cheese yesterday (buy one get one free on the aged cheddar! Tell me you wouldn't squeal too!) However, having witnessed these girls and their squealing and shrieking and exclaiming and shrillness last night---and having seen how GODDAMN ANNOYING it is, even in small doses---I now see why it is of the UTMOST importance that I actually keep this resolution this year. It may well be more important than eating properly and exercising. Which---ah! excellent!---rather handily justifies the two blocks of aged cheddar sitting in my refrigerator right now.

So Beautiful Susan gets the solo date with Travis, and they go to a restaurant in Paris in this silly stubby little car, that I'm fairly certain is a Smart Car. Wait, here is a picture of one. It's possibly the most unromantic vehicle that has ever been invented, and you can pretty much see Beautiful Susan seething inside as she remembers the stretch limos and carriage rides of Bachelors past and laments the fact that she didn't go on the show when that Firestone heir was the one they were all in love with. It takes them three hours to get to the restaurant because Travis is a terrible driver and an even worse linguist, and when they arrive, Beautiful Susan is probably just about ready to bite his head off. And eat it with some quince jelly. I mean, wouldn't you be STARVING?

But they have a very romantic dinner, and during it, a very sincere conversation, wherein Travis says "I don't ever want to be divorced. I don't ever want to regret marrying the wrong person," and Beautiful Susan stares at him, mouth open, eyes wide, like he's just revealed that they both had the same second grade teacher, and says "Oh my god! I completely agree!" Now wait a second! Wouldn't you obviously not want to regret marrying the wrong person? It's not really a choice you make in advance, is it? It hardly seems a coincidence that they're in agreement about something like that, does it? But still, Travis gives her the rose in the end, which means she's exempt from the next rose ceremony and is not going home on a plane tonight, and there's lots of smiling and snuggling. Then Beautiful Susan turns to Travis and coos "I'm a smitten kitten!" and Sean, who is TOTALLY NOT WATCHING THIS, BY THE WAY, splutters and snorts and shouts "I'M A SMITTEN KITTEN?" and I turn to him and say "Oh, don't you worry, I heard it." Dude, I'm telling you now, Travis is so picking Beautiful Susan at the end. They're totally getting married and having lots of little babies who'll come out of the womb with sharp geometric cheekbones. Ooh, that could really hurt.

Beautiful Susan comes home and admits that she and Travis kissed, and Stoned Canadian Sarah is upset because she was under the impression that Travis was "saving the first kiss" for her. Sean, who is still totally not watching this, snorts again. Then it's time for the group date, wherein five of the girls will be going yachting in the French Riviera with Travis. Sarah from Tennessee, who is a kindergarten teacher, is excited because she "can't wait to hang out with Beyonce and Puff Daddy." Side note to Sarah from Tennessee: oh honey, if you're still calling him PUFF DADDY, I don't think you're going to. Isn't he just Diddy now? Or P-to-the-Did?

So the yachting trip mainly consists of all the other girls talking smack about Moana (remember, they've started pronouncing it Mo-ahna to decrease the likelihood of people making sex jokes about her) because she jumps on the back of a jetski with Travis. There's a girl called Tara who I'm liking less and less; her teeth look too sharp, like she'd bite you. Plus remember last week she wore hot pants to a wine cellar? WITH COWBOY BOOTS? Later that night, Travis and Puff Daddy Sarah from Tennessee are having a bit of a MOMENT on the top deck of the yacht, when Hotpants Tara comes creeping up the stairs behind them to sabotage it. Hotpants Tara is always creeping up behind people when they're being romantic, and it makes me hate her more. Also, I think this time she's wearing Ugg boots. There is, however, one thing she says that causes a shiver of pleasure to run down my spine. Are you ready? We've been waiting for this, you guys! We've been waiting for these two little words! Hotpants Tara says this: "I think we're all coming up to the hot tub."

YES! YOU HEARD HER! THERE IS A HOT TUB! Nancy commented a few weeks ago that she assumed they'd have a hot tub built especially for the Paris pad, since "it just isn't The Bachelor unless there's gratuitious hot-tubbing," and look! She's right! In fact, maybe this is why they had to go yachting on the French Riviera for this date, because initial focus groups showed that the audience was suffering from hot tub deprivation by episode three, and the yacht was the only place they could find one. Don't you think? Well anyway, the next morning on the yacht, Moana brings Travis a cup of coffee in his cabin (Moana! How forward!) and then climbs into bed with him (Moana! Isn't your grandmother watching?) and the upshot of this is that Travis gives her the Exemption Rose. And the upshot of this is that Puff Daddy Sarah from Tennessee calls Moana a bitch and then starts crying. Awesome!

For the final date, Jennifer and Stoned Canadian Sarah are going camping with Travis. Wait, who's Jennifer? Oh, apparently, she's a model from Boston. I'm sure I've never seen her before. And I'm willing to bet that the highlight of her "modeling" career was the K-Mart circular that comes with the paper on Sunday. Anyway, it's her first time camping and she really sucks; her manicure keeps getting in the way of the stick she's whittling. Poor Stoned Canadian Sarah, who loves camping---and is, it should be noted, whittling a perfect stick---is sort of being ignored by Travis. But then, in a surprising turn of events, Travis ends up giving the rose to Stoned Canadian Sarah, which means Manicure Jennifer is going home! Which makes absolutely no difference to me, as I've only just realized she's here. I start to like Stoned Canadian Sarah about a thousand times more when she says "I'm just so cheesed out by the girls answering every single question like they're Miss America." Which is doubly funny since she's Canadian, don't you think? God, I love Canadian people. Honestly, have you ever met a Canadian person you didn't like? We have a Canadian art intern at the moment and I'm crazy about him. Less so about his ponytail, but whatever.

At last we get to the rose ceremony, which isn't exactly a nail-biting finish because three of the girls already have their Exemption Roses, and Travis will only be sending one of the other four girls home. Jihad is called first, then Hotpants Tara, then Puff Daddy Sarah from Tennessee. Which means..... Shiloh is going home. Wait, are you kidding me, Shiloh is 29? Oh Shiloh. If you're really 29, my dear, then you are USING THE WRONG EYE CREAM is all I can say. Poor Shiloh is kind of upset---she says "But I've worked really hard on who I am!" and that kind of freaks me out a little, because, wait, you're supposed to work on that? I haven't been working on who I am! I've just sort of been....being who I am. Without any maintenance! Though I have been trying to cut down on the shrillness, of course, as I mentioned.

So who have we got left? There's Jihad, Stoned Canadian Sarah, Beautiful Susan, Hotpants Tara, Puff Daddy Sarah from Tennessee, and Controversial Moana. And it looks like the next episode contains tons of fighting! I know you can't wait! Now, creep away quietly and don't tell anyone you've been here. See you next week for another Secret Bachelor Tuesday! And remember: don't feel guilty for knowing what's happening on this show. I mean, come on, it's not like you watch it or anything.

1
Adele
Jan 25, 2006

I'm sitting here with a big cheesy grin on my face.

Speaking of cheese, did you know it's medically proven to reduce shrillness and knock shrieking on the head....even when in a hot tub? It's true. The lactose coats your vocal chords thereby making it impossible to sound anything other than sultry. Unless you get a huge build-up of phlegm....that's not quite as sexy.

Mind you, you (with a huge build up of phlegm) versus the contestants on The Bachelor...and you're still walking away with the exemption rose....

2
samantha
Jan 25, 2006

How I wish the Husband would snort through The Bachelor with me. It's totally possible, he watches Cheaters with me, it's not too crazy to think he could consider The Bachelor!

And I am the biggest dork because I have looked forward to Secret Bachelor Tuesday ALL FREAKING DAY.

3
DM
Jan 25, 2006

Samantha, you are not the biggest dork, I looked forward to it all day and I don't even watch the show so I have no idea who any of these people are but I giggle hysterically at Holly's descriptions. And Sean's snorting.

I started laughing here "Is there something in the water? Like, I don't know, maybe a chisel?" And haven't stopped. Looking forward to not watching Wife Swap.

4
mom on a wire
Jan 25, 2006

I don't really like any of the girls this season yet. I think he'll choose Stoned Sarah at the end though, and I really hope Moana brings out the claws next week. We need some excitement! Do you remember that one slutty girl from the other Bachelor? The one who was voted off and then CAME BACK to crash a date and tell him he was her boyfriend? That was awesome. We need more of that.

Not that I watch it, or anything. I also don't watch Beauty and the Geek. Or Oprah.

5
dad on a wire
Jan 25, 2006

Why, oh why, do I know what you're talking about? Because I had to sit through this with my wife last night. I totally think all the other girls are giving Moana a hard time! Why isn't she allowed to play the game like all the other girls?

6
mom on a wire
Jan 25, 2006

Let's all make fun of my husband now...

7
Gallaudet
Jan 25, 2006

Oh, thank you for this public service. All during my now-three-year-old's birthday party today I looked forward to sitting down tonight with a glass of wine and the computer and The Bachelor According to Holly. I think if I ever watch the show it will be a sad letdown, because your rendition is so much funnier.

Where do they GET these women, anyway?

8
superfantastic
Jan 25, 2006

I have made a mental note to exclude all men with dangerously chiseled cheekbones from my potential dating pool thanks to your astute observation about the potential for extra painful childbirth. Then again, I wouldn't be much of a threat to end up with this guy because I wouldn't be able to stop stuffing chocolate croissants down my throat long enough to even make stupid, breathy, and potentially rhyming proclamations of my smittenness.

9
Eric
Jan 25, 2006

Well. If you'd told me that my first comment here would be in regards to an episode of The Bachelor, I'd have thought you were making fun of me.

But there you are. I haven't watched the show (not even secretly), and I suppose I never will; but reading about it is so much fun that I don't think I need to.

This is all wonderful work. Thanks for writing it!

10
Irony Queen
Jan 25, 2006

Oh SOOO tempting! But I Must. Go. To. Bed. So, the Secret Bachelor Tuesday synopsis will be waiting for me to enjoy tomorrow morning. With coffee, and maybe even a chocolate croissant. (Well, only if the Chocolate Croissant Fairy shows up tonight.) Can't wait!

11
Susie
Jan 25, 2006

I'd make Sean stop watching the Bachelor---next thing you know he won't come home from work and you'll turn on the TV to see he's in Rome handing out roses and investing a little QT in the hot tub.

Also, note to self, never wear hot pants and cowboy boots! Not that I OWN hot pants!!!

12
Krista
Jan 25, 2006

Holly-

I applaud you for turning your guilty pleasure into something we all can enjoy. I am sure that this post is hilarious however, it is for that reason that I CAN NOT read it. I just know that if I read it, I will get sucked in too, and I will NEED to watch the Bachelor on Tuesdays instead of going to my class at the gym so that I can think about which pieces you'll mock the next morning. This could just be too fun for my own good.

I'll be back tomorrow to hear about random person and your mortification... and probably to sneak some peaks at this post (which I will NOT read).

13
Emily
Jan 25, 2006

Mmmmm... aged cheddar.

14
Fraulein N
Jan 25, 2006

L-O-V-E these recaps, so much so that I would climb into bed with them uninvited.

15
Nancy
Jan 25, 2006

I knew they'd have to pull out the hot tub! It's in the fine print of each contestant's contract: "I hereby covent and agree that I will don tiny scraps of fabric ('bikini') and soak in the hot tub until my fingers wrinkle and I have giggled no less than twenty times. I understand that any shrieking is optional, though encouraged."

We watched it last night. DK was sucked in despite himself (Wait, no! he didn't watch! of course not). We're pulling for Stoner Sarah from Canada. Little Miss Smitten Kitten is sweet, but annoyingly vacuous (though did you note her boob shot in her rose ceremony outfit? It was a dress that said, "I'm in this to WIN.")

16
s
Jan 25, 2006

Vaguely distressed (and slightly euphoric) that the only Canadian contestant is STONED ...

I'm here to tell ya: we don't ALL do drugs. (Just the ones who need them to get through the humiliation of being on reality TV.)

17
Meg
Jan 25, 2006

As a Canadian, born and bred, I'd like to be able to scoff along with Sarah at those crazy pseudo-Miss Americas, but two of my cousins went to Miss Canada, and let me tell ya -- it's just as painfully vacuous here as it is there when the contestants open their mouths.

But thank you for loving Canadians! We're polite! Mostly!

18
lisa
Jan 25, 2006

I'm going to start keeping a tally of the times the girls say "for the right reasons." Since you pointed it out, I swear they say it every 3 sentences. You know, when they're not saying either, "I really feel like I have a connection with Travis!" or "Some of the girls don't deserve to be in the house." What, may I ask, would make one "deserving" of being in the Bachelor house?

Although I think Moana is a little bitchy, I sort of respect her for shrugging her shoulders when the other girls ask her if she can see herself with Travis. At least she's not going on and on about their "connection."

19
Irony Queen
Jan 25, 2006

It's official: I am NEVER allowed on The Bachelor. Or any other show of that nature. In addition to the never-gonna-live-it-down humiliation in real life over being coy and vacuous and boob-baring on national television, the real problem is, I would KILL the other contestants. And there would probably be footage of it. "Tonight on ET...a horrible mishap during taping of The Bachelor. Reports are sketchy, but we hear something about a freak hot tub accident..."

20
Reé
Jan 26, 2006

Okay, how weird is this? This morning, I read your hysterical recap. Tonight, I find a font called SMITTEN KITTEN!

Maybe she was telling him she was a font...of...oh, dear...more gag-inducing descriptors!

(Thank you, btw, for your info about the Priceline thing.)

21
Krista
Jan 27, 2006

I have no will power. "P-to-the-Did" totally cracked me up.

22
Sunee Hillman
Feb 07, 2006

I think Travis have a strong connection with Susan. they have common together. I watch the bachelor tonight. Travis was holding hands with Susan. I think Travis wants Susan to have advance. Travis has seemed most passionate with Susan alot. Sara S from Nashville, TN. I don't like her that at all. Because Sara S from Nashville, TN saying: BITCH! in the show. I don't like Sara S. putting her fist in her mouth that is distuging. I like Susan when she had a book on her head joggle, standing one foot. I like that. I think it will going home next week is: Moana after that is Sara S and the one is Susan. I hope Susan is the one for Travis. You go Susan. I love Susan