I Won't Tell If You Won't

So do you think it was normal for me to cry ALL THE WAY THROUGH the Golden Globe Awards last night? Probably not, right? I mean, it's not like I was winning anything, or anyone was making a speech thanking me for always sticking with them through hard times and being their rock. I wasn't watching it from the ballroom of the Beverly Hills Hilton in my black-tie attire; I was slumped on my sofa working my way through a box of sugar-free popsicles. Positively weeping. I was going to say it was a new low, but then I remembered that it wasn't actually as bad as that one time I bawled all the way through a Trading Spaces marathon while eating a bowl of oatmeal for dinner because it was all I had in the house. I bet I was wearing my glasses that had just broken too, and broken glasses always add a certain element of pathos to any scenario, don't they? Especially if they've been fixed with tape. Which---just so you don't slit your wrists or anything at the thought---mine hadn't.

I think part of the reason I sobbed through the Golden Globes last night was that I've got a cold and I'm feeling sorry for myself, and the other part was that MAN, all those actors were together in one room, and it was like one big happy family reunion with George Clooney as the hot brother-in-law you should have married and Eva Longoria as your slutty cousin who still thinks she can wear clothes from Pacific Sunwear. It was like a surprise birthday party where everyone turns up in the same place, or one of those dreams where everyone you've ever known is there. See, this is what a subscription to Us Weekly will do to you! It'll make you start thinking that Michelle Williams is your friend, and then when she appears on your television screen and looks SO HOPEFUL because she's up for an award, you'll wave at the TV and shout encouraging words at her and cry because she looks so pretty but, oh, ultimately so tragic. And then when someone else wins instead, as you knew they would, you'll have a conversation with the screen wherein you'll say "girlfriend, never mind, what's a silly award when you've got Heath Ledger? Besides, did you honestly think that your luck could keep on going? You already snagged the Hot Australian, got yourself knocked up, and made everyone forget you were once Troubled Jen from Dawson's Creek so now I think you're PRETTY MUCH SET FOR LIFE, don't you? An award on top of all this might have been just a little selfish, mightn't it? Oh look, there's Reese! Long time, no see! Hi Reese! You seem to be getting on well with your husband, so that's an improvement isn't it? There was all that talk of the two of you growing apart, remember? Because your career was doing so much better than his? Remember? Well anyway, you'd better go and accept that eighteenth award for Walk the Line, but I expect I'll find you back on page 17 next week, where I'll see you grocery shopping because you're JUST LIKE US. Kisses, darling, kisses! Bye!"

Oh! And Sandra Oh! She made me cry and cry and cry. She was just so happy when she won! And so confused as to which way the stage was! So unassuming, that Sandra Oh. Do you think she's totally sick of hearing jokes about her name? Like, "Sandra! Oh! There you are!" How many times do you think people have called her The Big Oh? Do you think one day she'll freak out and say "DUDE, I GET IT! MY LAST NAME IS OH!"

Obviously, reuniting with My Fake Celebrity Family was all very emotionally wrenching for me, so after two hours of tears, I was fairly relieved when it was time to turn over to The Bachelor. Oh, don't pretend you didn't do it too. Last week you all admitted you'd watched it as well! And if you didn't watch it, then YOU KNOW YOU WANTED TO. You totally did. You told me you did!

And yet, you know, I'm strangely sympathetic to your plight. I can see how it might be embarassing to even admit to yourself that you switch over to ABC at 10pm on a Monday night AND TURN DOWN INVITATIONS IN ORDER TO DO IT, so I've made a plan! I'm all about the plans! Here is my plan: how about we have Secret Bachelor Tuesdays? I'll watch the show on Monday night (probably crying, probably eating oatmeal) so you don't have to! Then I'll tell you all about it on Tuesdays. Well, I'll actually only tell you the bits where I get to make fun of people. So maybe I'll only give you the highlights. You can read about what happened in secret, get all the details on the gossip and bitchery, and still look your boss in the eye when you tell her that you only watch The History Channel.

It's a plan, okay? OKAY. (God, I love a good plan. I also sometimes have to close the closet door in the bathroom seven times before I can go to sleep. It's possible I have a mild form of OCD.)

So, to Paris! There are ten girls left this week; there's Tara, who wears hotpants with boots to a wine cellar in Champagne. There's Jehan, a vitamin sales rep who "loves nature, church, and health---in that order" and whose name is pronounced so much like "jihad" that for most of the show, I thought that's what they were calling her and I was all "whoa, steady on, that's kind of rude." (A name like that must be hard. She should get together with Sandra Oh and form a support group.) There's Canadian Sarah who appears to be stoned the whole time and who communicates mostly in giggles. And there's Resident New Wacko Kristen who gets the first solo date with Travis and whose pre-date preparation consists of deciding it would be a good idea to stick a Post-It on her back that says "I need a hug." What else? Oh, for most of the show, Travis wears this great zip-up black top that I've been convincing Sean to buy for months. Is there any chance you remember the one Clive Owen wore in Closer? It's like that.

Travis also says "yes ma'am" which I think is SO HOT. Trust me, it's not the way they say it in the grocery store when you ask if they bagged the chicken separately from everything else. It's a Southern thing that people sometimes do down in Charleston too, and it gets me every time. (I also think it's lovely, if only a little creepy when 50-year old men in the South still call their fathers "Daddy." Or do you think that's totally creepy? I can't decide.)

So Kristen decides it would be a great idea to write Travis a poem that she can read to him on their date. Kristen! Come on! That's date suicide! Don't ever write someone a poem! Unless you're Sylvia Plath---or at the very, very least maybe, you know, Tori Amos---then it's just going to be a disaster. (I suppose it might also work if you're in, like, the fourth grade, but then wait a second, what are you doing going on dates anyway? Someone should call your mother!) Needless to say, Kristen's poem contains such nuggets of genius as "tonight is our first date and being with you, I know it'll be great." NO, I DID NOT MAKE THAT UP. I bet I spelled it better than her though. There is also this gem: "let's have fun and look up at the sky, because you never know which stars will put a twinkle in our eye." I'm fairly certain being on a date with Kristen is JUST LIKE being on a date with Edna St. Vincent Millay, aren't you?

Anyway, then Travis sends her home. Which we all kind of knew was going to happen, probably somewhere right around the time she decided it would be SO KOOKY AND FUN to cut up an orange peel and stick it in her mouth so it looked like she had wonky redneck teeth. She was trying to be ZANY, you know. But she missed a little and ended up somewhere around UNHINGED instead. With maybe a little bit of TRYING TOO HARD TO IMPRESS thrown in. Poor Kristen.

And nothing else really happens! There's a really boring scene in a cave, and then some girls get roses and some girls get sent home, and you know they still all kind of look the same to me, so I can't really tell you who did what. I'm calling it from the beginning, though: Travis is going to pick Susan. Seriously, Susan is hawt. Hell, I think I'm a little bit in love with Susan. She has nice cheekbones and she seems clever. Plus her name is Susan! Not Jihad! Points, definitely. And then right at the end, everyone gets mad at a girl named Moana because they don't think she's there "for all the right reasons." Seriously, that's their new phrase They all came for all the right reasons. They all want to get to know Travis for all the right reasons. Right about now, I totally want to stab myself in the eye for all the right reasons.

So that's your first installment of Secret Bachelor Tuesdays! I think huge sections of the show were lost to me, actually, because my cats, who were sleeping in front of the fire, intermittently started licking each other which is THE CUTEST THING IN THE WORLD, and forces me to stop whatever I'm doing and watch. Next week, I'll ask them to time it better and only do it in the commercial breaks. I'll tell them we have an audience we can't disappoint. A secret audience, of course. You're safe with me.

Filed Under:
Jan 18, 2006

I was expecting to be twentieth in line when I chimed in with "Man, I love oatmeal!"

It seems lame to say it in the first comment.

But anyway, oatmeal, really good...

Jan 18, 2006

Oh, I love the Bachelor plan! Because one of the many problems with small children is that they cut into the evening TV viewing hours, and for YEARS now I have had a terrible shortage of evening television. So you will be performing a much-needed community service here (besides being my Glamour Surrogate). Plus, I too love a plan.

I am so very pleased to discover that I am not the only one who has a Celebrity Pseudo-Family. I forget sometimes that Angelina doesn't yet know what good friends she and I are.

ms lemon
Jan 18, 2006

i am not at all ashamed to admit that my friend and i have a standing monday night date together to drink wine, read Us magazine, and watch the bachelor. you have an open invitation to join us, if you ever happen to pass through boulder, colorado on bachelor monday.

Jan 18, 2006

Just so you know, you are responsible for my tenuous grasp of what passes for culture in the U.S. these days. If it weren't for you, I'd have NO IDEA what's happening.

But no pressure.

Jan 18, 2006

Oh how fabulous are you? I am completely addicted to your site and I've only known about it for a week. I think you could be one of the celebrities who I feel like I know. I would definitely cry if you won an award or a HUGE publishing contract, for example.

On another tangent I have been quite worried about our good friend Jen (Aniston) over the last few months. Have you spoken to her lately? Can she really be happy with Vince? Also how come famous women get pregnant at the drop of a hat as well as bagging hot filmstars? (I'm thinking Ange and Katie Holmes here). Doesn't seem right.

And now for confessions: I once cried at a tv advert - I mean sobbed. And I can't even remember what it was for now. But an all time low was the last episode of Ally McBeal where she left the firm. It was like losing real friends.

Fortunately I got the first 3 series on DVD for Christmas, so I am happily reunited.
Speaking of which I must tear myself away from you...I expect they need me to join them singing and dancing in the unisex loo. I've just perfected my dismount....

Jan 18, 2006

I'm totally in for Bachelor Tuesdays. I've never actually watched the show, but your synopsis is probably better than the real thing.

Thanks for coming by the Wench's last night. I was kind of worn out and cranky from lifting weights and having dropped my effing parking pass under the seat in the Mini, which is IMPOSSIBLE to reach under without losing a finger. And the fat ass hole parking attendant made everyone back up so I could repark and look for it and yelled at me and it put me in a terrible mood and being torn between hating her and feeling sorry for her because she has a crappy job. And...you know, because I can't drink wine.

Jan 18, 2006

Moana? Seriously? Spelled like that? She must get it worse than Sandra "The Big Oh" with the sex jokes.

I loved the recap, so please do continue. Do you think you could be coaxed into doing a few other recaps as well? I think your version of the NBC Nightly News would be much more entertaining than the real thing, for example. And also possibly Wheel of Fortune.

My guilty pleasure remains American Idol and now my social life is ruined because they put it on EVERY DAMN NIGHT and never run out of blathering idiots and horrible singers to fill 120 minutes of damn fine TV.

Nothing But Bonfires
Jan 18, 2006

Yes, spelled like that! Poor Moana. The thing is, I swear last week they were pronouncing it "Mona" but then this week they started calling her "Mo-ahna." Maybe she'd had enough with the jokes already. There is also a girl called Shiloh. Apparently you pronounce this like "silo."

Jan 18, 2006

I am so in for Secret Bachelor Tuesdays! All the info, none of the shame - what more could a gal want?

Jan 18, 2006

i love sandra oh. we're from the same town, and i went to an arts high school there, and so we'd always hear of artsy-kids-from-hometown done good. (you have to understand, it's a rather small, canadian hometown. this is what we do to motivate our young ones). this was WELL before grey's anatomy (that's the show she's on, right? i don't have t.v.), like, during her david mamet, "i can only get work in off-off-broadway theatre" phase. and NOW look where she is! she won a golden globe, you tell me? yay for the hometown grrls.

p.s. i don't feel as strongly about alanis morisette.

Jan 18, 2006

I was reading in bed and Aaron was studying in the kitchen. I came into the kitchen to get a drink and walked back through the living room where The Bachelor was on. I turned it off, and had made it to the hall when Aaron called out, "Hey, I'm sneaking peeks at that!" My HUSBAND was watching The Bachelor, which if you knew him, you would know that somewhere there had to be a rift in the space time continuum for that to occur. Then he told me about it! in great detail! and giggled!

Jan 18, 2006

I am supposedly participating in some sort of Bachelor competition thingie but have yet to actually watch despite my deep desire to do so -- in the meantime, getting the recap is excellent.

I unabashedly loved the Golden Globes (though my delights were tragically cut short due to work) and suspect if Bertie Wooster, er, Greg House, er, Hugh Laurie, met me and I managed to contain myself and refrained from pretending to be Stephen Fry (though isn't it the sweetest that Jeeves flew to the Golden Globes to cheer him on?), then we would be very close pals. VERY CLOSE.

ps I sobbed watching the lovely Ms. Oh tell Berke that she wouldn't have kept the baby just last night when I was catching up on tivo.

Fraulein N
Jan 18, 2006

Secret Bachelor Tuesdays? I am so there! I'm a little worried that he's weeding out the crazies right off the bat; that's no fun.

Jan 18, 2006

I'm delurking a week late, proving that you can, in fact, procrasinate anything if you really put your mind to it.....

My worst TV-watching crying experience was the last episode of Little House on the Prairie, which I happened to catch as a rerun one time, in which they BLEW UP the town. I am not joking--they blew up the entire town of Walnut Grove, one building at a time. I maybe cried the rest of the day. Not cool Michael Landon, not cool.....

Jan 18, 2006

I think I could be in little in love with you after this post. I think I've said it before, but I'm saying it again - you are the coolest.

I always cry when it comes acceptance speech time, too - I just get all teary for them, unless they've won like a million awards - thinking about all their hopes and dreams and years of crappy TV pilots or B movies and now they're wearing a pretty dress and and huge borrowed jewels and THEY'VE DONE IT! I am devoted to Grey's Anatomy and very happy about Sandra Oh. She's so charmingly grouchy as Christina. And messier than me, which is a FEAT beyound measure.

As for Bachelor Tuesdays, I am so there. You might even convince me to watch it, if I'm not carefully guarded.

Jan 18, 2006

My God, I love this plan. I'll never have to watch the show now. This so rocks.

What exactly are the right reasons to go on television and snag yourself some hot guy? I mean, are they all seriously thinking that they are his soul-mates? I especially love seeing the commercials where someone who has been eliminated is sobbing about how horrible it is because she "looooooooves him" and they met maybe a total of two times.

Thank you for distracting me from day three of "Oh my God, I can't believe I ______!" Got a tad drunk on Sunday. I just had ten glorious moments of laughter not directed at myself. Thanks again!

Jan 18, 2006

Fabulous. I love the plan. I LOVE the plan.
BTW: there's nothing wrong with a little ocd ... nothing AT ALL.

Sinking Stone
Jan 18, 2006

Thanks for the recap on The Bachelor. I can't bear to watch it, I don't have the stomach to watch grown women making asses of themselves (Allie G., Kristen) I constantly hide my face in shame on their behalf while I watch... so I don't watch, but I still like to know.

About the sick southern men thing, I don't get it either, but I think men in their fifties address their fathers as "Daddy" because they still live in fear of having their asses whipped with a leather belt with a John Deere buckle on it.

Jan 18, 2006

I too cry inappropriately every now and again, so don't be ashamed!

Here is your source for wine gums:
I pasted the Maynards because they're my favorites, but the site in general is just great. Enjoy!

Jan 19, 2006

I wonder how many people audition for The Bachelor? Is there a certain criteria that the contestants have to meet? Somehow, I don't think so... And Holly, I think you should be more concerned with watching that fire that the cats are sitting in front of, considering I don't remember you having a fireplace.

Jan 19, 2006

Luke: I saw an interview with one of Mark Burnett's producer/casting agents. When asked how they choose which people get on the shows, she said -and I quote-, "We're looking for eye candy with issues."

Pretty much your basic nightmare.

Student Nurse, prn
Jan 19, 2006

Thanks for the Bachelor update.

I used to be a fan of the show but then I started to get all depressed about my own pathetic dating life after watching all those frigging beautiful real people in fabulous locations on fantasy dates. I mean if they can't find a date/land a man *sheesh*

Watching non-reality television is one thing, those beautiful people I just accounted for as freaks of nature and few and far between but 25 regular folks that are that perfect. *insert nausea*

So, like Sinking Stone said, "I don't watch, but I still like to know"

Irony Queen
Jan 20, 2006

I' m not such a big fan of the reality TV, but I do loves me some women looking desperate in front of millions of viewers. So, this secret Bachelor plan is perfect--you watch, I get to laugh at the ladies! And, knowing someone who was invited to BE the bachelor (alas, he turned it down), I'm all the more interested in Mr. Travis Himself. But the woman from last week -- with the shriveling ovaries -- it's going to take some real effort to out-freak-show her.

Jan 20, 2006

I think this might be the Best Plan Ever. Awesome!

Also, I really liked the Golden Globes, too. While Eva Longoria is your slutty cousin and Clooney is your Brother-in-law, Hugh Laurie is totally my secret boyfriend (wasn't his speech great? Way to go, secret BF!).