How Would You Like Your Eggs?

Look, I'm just going to say it, okay? I watch The Bachelor.

I KNOW! Please don't smite me. Trust me, you couldn't possibly be any more embarassed for me than I am for myself. If it makes up for it, please know that I try to atone for it with half an hour of Wordsworth right afterwards. But sometimes there ain't no daffodils going to make up for all those tacky cleavages and bitchy one-liners. (And connections. Why are they always "making a connection" with each other? Also, why am I speaking like I'm related to Eminem? I don't say "ain't" in real life, I promise.)

Last night was the season premiere of the show, which is being held in Paris this time around, presumably because they've just plain run out of pretty places to watch the sunset in L.A, and also because the announcer obviously got bored of saying "it's the most dramatic rose ceremony yet!" and asked if he could mix it up a little and instead say "it's the most romantic season yet!" Always with the exclamation points and the superlatives, this announcer. And you know he's got you. Because what he's really saying is "Don't turn over to CNN just because the commercials are on, you sneaky witch! I'm trying to rot your brain cells here, and make you forget that you once knew the subjunctive tense in French and most of the history behind the poetry of Christina Rossetti! Run and get your green onion kettle chips from the kitchen if you need to, sure, and grab another glass of wine while you're in there because TRUST ME YOU'RE GOING TO NEED IT, but hurry back soon because there are still 45 minutes of your life that you need to waste watching girls with obvious boob jobs crowing about what a wonderful journey it's been!"

So this time around, the gang's all here---23 ditzy overly-made-up women who sort of embarass me in a way I can't put my finger on, and maybe two who look kind of normal and cute, like people you might go to the out-of-town Banana Republic outlet with if they asked. And if they were driving. But there's this one girl. Oh my god. Wait, here she is. Her name is Allie. G. (Unfortunately, she's not Ali.G, because Ali.G going on the Bachelor? Or, even better, Ali G. being the Bachelor? THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN MY KIND OF SHOW.) Anyway, this Allie G., she's just a little unhinged. And I'm not even going to mention the fact that she obviously went to the Trowel School of Application when she learned to do her makeup. Because, oh, there's so much more to talk about.

At first I thought she was kind of cool. She greeted the bachelor---his name is Travis, and he's actually kind of super hawt, though maybe loses points for, um, I don't know, GOING ON THE BACHELOR?---with some (albeit badly-pronounced) French, and she was shorter and more normal-looking and less blonde than some of the beauty queens who'd gone before her. I sort of dug her. Plus, then I found out she was an oncologist, so I sort of dug her more. But HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, after that she became insane.

She had her ten minutes with Travis, on a sofa somewhere in this French chateau that you just know all the girls are secretly hoping Travis actually owns, like this is some bizarre version of Joe Millionaire (yeah, watched that too, shut up), and while most of the women usually say things like "My favorite restaurant is Olive Garden. What's yours?" and "I'm so honored to be taking this journey with you! I really hope we can make a connection!", Allie G. does maybe two seconds of small talk and then she says "Well, Travis, I'm ready to move onto the reproductive phase of my life. So, you know, if that's what you're looking for, to reproduce...."

And then what happens next is that the girl standing behind her and I simultaneously say OH, SHE DID NOT JUST GO THERE, and Travis looks horribly embarassed and Allie G. does not look horribly embarassed, although maybe she should. Because why would you say that? Why wouldn't you try and say something witty and funny instead, and make Travis remember you as the Hot Funny Girl instead of the Suddenly Less Hot And Maybe Kind Of Scary And Desperate One? And even though I'm totally cringing for her, this isn't as bad as what happens next. Because Travis hands out roses to ten girls, and all the time this is happening, Allie G. is visibly becoming more and more perturbed---I mean, she can just feel her eggs withering as Travis skips over her in his quest for a potential bride---and then when it's all over and she hasn't been given a rose, she CONFRONTS him with "what? Am I too smart for you? Am I too old? Are my boobs too small?" And he is very gentlemanly about it and kind of admits that the R-word---WITHIN FIVE MINUTES OF MEETING HER---sort of freaked him out, and then she's all up on her high horse about how he's just like every other man she knows and she's tried Internet dating and speed dating and blind dating, and now she's just going to join a convent. AND WHY DOESN'T HE WANT TO REPRODUCE? WITH HER? And I'm so embarassed for her because she's really starting to make the whole fairer sex look a little kooky, but my god, she JUST WON'T STOP and she tells all the other girls and even the cameraman what a tool Travis is just because he didn't pick her. To reproduce with.

Now I'm not a Rules girl. I've never done that "only call him on the second Wednesday of the month, and always be busy the first eleven times he asks you out," because really, does anyone ever manage to have a relationship like that? Or even meet for coffee? So I'm all for being oneself and not playing games when it comes to dating, oh yes indeed. But really, and tell me if you don't agree, but I sort of think it's a generally well-known fact that there is ONLY ONE THING you have to remember when you meet a potential suitor for the first time, ONE THING, and that is Don't Talk About Your Reproductive Cycle In the First Ten Minutes.

THAT IS EASY TO REMEMBER, RIGHT? In fact, it should come naturally because it's actually more of a Life Rule than a Dating Rule, don't you think? Strangers don't want to hear about your reproductive cycle! I mean, for reals. Unless you're wearing a paper gown and are about to write a check for a $20 co-pay, then the Don't Talk About Your Reproductive Cycle In The First Ten Minutes rule should hold pretty fast whoever you're chatting with. Unless you want to perpetuate the stereotype that unmarried women in their mid-30s are desperate to find a man, march him up the aisle, and then make him construct a baby crib from IKEA.

So please! For all of womankind! Someone tell Allie G. not to talk about her eggs on the first date. Unless the first date is breakfast.

Jan 11, 2006

First of all I'm glad you admit that you watch the bachelor b/c then I can come out of the TV closet and admit that too. It is my guilty pleasure #517. Second, she was a freak and I could not help laughing out loud at her and then cringing at the same time, because oh my gosh did she really just say that out loud!?!?!

Jan 11, 2006

I love Joe Millionaire.

And Bachelor John Paul lives in Oklahoma City--I've seen him at Starbucks a couple of times. Really! He's cute in real life. But a little too preppie for me (I didn't know that was possible until I saw him, actually).

AND--my husband works with oncologists. They are all a little, um, off. I don't know why.

That is all.

Jan 11, 2006

Hahahahahaahaha... this sort of makes me wish I was watching the Bachelor.

I think the only thing more horrifying than "I'm in a hurry to make babies" to say to a guy in the first ten minutes might be "I enjoying having my gigantic hemmorhoids massaged as part of foreplay." That's just a guess, though.

Jan 11, 2006

Aw, crap! Is that why I have been having such bad luck dating lately?

This post makes me kind of sorry I missed that episode of The Bachelor, which I, too, usually watch and never, ever admit to. Which is why the anonymity of the internet is such a great thing.

Jan 11, 2006

And I was watching PBS while this was going on? Shame on me.

ms lemon
Jan 11, 2006

now i've done some embarrassing things in my time, but i know FOR SURE that i have never felt what she must have been feeling this morning, knowing that hundreds of millions of people saw her in all her crazy glory, practically begging a complete stranger to "take me upstairs and have unprotected sex with me RIGHT NOW because - my god - the clock is ticking and i know that you are THE ONE that i want to impregnate my rapidly shriveling eggs." poor, poor, sad woman.

Jan 11, 2006

I don't watch anything anymore. Thinking of ditching DirecTV.

Jan 11, 2006

Actually, in response to Ms. Lemon, Allie G was far from sounding embarrassed as she was all over the radio this morning promoting her new website, (not running yet, surprisingly). I was plenty embarrassed for her. And for myself just for knowing.

Jan 11, 2006

Wanted to say that i LOVE reading your blog! Witty, funny, hugely entertaining! TV Shmeevy! I've given it up in favor of reading GREAT blogs like yours! Thanks for the laughs:)

Jan 11, 2006

Upon your request I will not smite you for watching The Bachelor. I will however, smite you for convincing me that it might be worth my time to watch it! As if I don't have enough bad habits already. Especially if Ali G is the bachelor! Damn that would be funny.

You are hilarious and I love your blog.

Jan 11, 2006

Uh, I could not concentrate on the CONTENT of your post because I was much too much distracted by the language. Why did you adopt so many different voices in the telling of that story? You noticed at first, pointing out how you sounded like you were related to Eminem but then after that you seem to let it slide! What's going on I ask you? You went from rapper to yenta in 3.5 seconds!
But really if you're going to watch reality tv, at least let it be Outback Jack, okay?

Fraulein N
Jan 11, 2006

Now I am really wishing Ali G was The Bachelor. I am also thinking maybe I should be watching this show, if it's getting this trainwreck-delicious already.

Jan 11, 2006

Please tell me Allie G. planned this whole thing as a publicity stunt. Please.

Jan 11, 2006

Here's the thing: at 33, she's young enough that she is either in her oncology fellowship or just out of it. Which means she's spent four years of college, four years of med school, three years of residency, and three years of hematology/oncology fellowship with her head down, setting goals and meeting them like all the other intense, driven, blunt nerds around her. And to top it off, hematology/oncology is not known for being a particularly warm and fuzzy, communicative kind of specialty. So here she comes, right out of the box, onto TV IN FRANCE, and what does she do? Why, she gets right down to business. And then she freaks out. Because oops, business is a little different on network television, and anyway, she misplaced her personality years ago.

Oh, how I wish I'd seen it! It would have been like divine justice for all the times I've been patronized by specialists at work.

Jan 11, 2006

holy cow - now I remember why I can't watch that show. it creeps me out... but you go right ahead and enjoy!

Jan 11, 2006

That's just horrific. And she probably doesn't even have the good sense to be humiliated by the insecurity she paraded on national television.

Jan 11, 2006

I've never watched this show - but I followed your link to see what Allie G. looked like. Then I looked at all the little squares with the faces of other contestants... there's one girl named Cole who kinda sorta looks like you.

I didn't actually think the picture of Allie G. looked that bad - her makeup looks pretty mellow. But I'm sure she looked different "in action" on the show... and the whole reproduction thing - is she nuts? Yes, we all know she is.

The only "junk" shows I've gotten hooked on were Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (don't watch it any more tho), The Biggest Loser, and American Idol. I get all into one, and then by the second season I'm totally disinterested.

I'm really looking forward to that new one where celebrities try to ice skate with the pros and fall on their heads. Now THAT'S gonna be entertaining!

- M

Jan 11, 2006

Not to burst anyone's "reality" bubble, but the conspiracy theorist in me is thinking, you know, if I were an otherwise successful and intelligent woman, like, say, an oconologist with a plucky attitude, I could be convinced to take an all expense paid trip to Paris to enter a contest I have no desire to win, and for another cash bonus of something like, oh, $5000, I would have no problems saying jack-assian things on camera, no doubt composed for me by the producers, especially since it would never negatively affect my chosen career path, and since my friends and I would just sip martinis and laugh about it for years when watching the video on our annual trip to the vacation condo paid for by the whole thing. Just sayin.

Jan 11, 2006

This is exactly why you should be spending these precious Tuesday night hours watching "Beyond the Bull" and "Miami Ink" on TLC. Both are filled with yummy muscles and tasty accents and cowboy hats and flesh flesh flesh and oh God I'm overheating right here at my desk.

Jan 11, 2006

LL: ooooh! I DO like the way your devious little mind works ...

Jan 11, 2006

My roommates have watched the bachelor for years, they are reality television show junkies. But they both decided that this year they wouldn't get stuck on the show. I have a feeling that they are going to be kicking themselves over this when I tell them what they missed.

And I won't smite you. I couldn't. You read Wordsworth. I read Nora Roberts. I think the fact that you watch the bachelor makes us even. Hopefully. Have I mentioned that Shakespeare is my favorite playwright?

Jan 12, 2006

I don't watch The Bachelor, but I've seen at least 3 different bloggers post about this particular episode, and I just have to agree that Allie was totally off kilter on that. I mean, doesn't she know that desperation in general scares guys off, but the BIOLOGICAL CLOCK desperation is the absolute scariest kind? I mean, I bet the guy's cajones just shriveled into little marbles when she said that. Probably not even consciously, just sort of a knee-jerk reaction. What would she have done if he had handed her the rose, run right out and bought an ovulation kit?

Hmm, I'm intrigued now, I just might have to start watching this show...

Jan 12, 2006

Thank you for giving me the best laugh all week! I saw the episode and couldn't have said it better! I know Allie G. wasn't staged, because it was too weird!
After the show I thought "people have got to be talking about this one" and luckily, I was right!

Jan 12, 2006

I did watch Joe Millionaire, but I do not watch the Bachelor. Now, if Ali G. was the Bachelor, I would so watch that.

Jan 13, 2006

I love The Bachelor! But I also have a confession that might make you think better of your embarassing TV addiction: I-- I watch Elimidate. And, um, Blind Date and The Fifth Wheel. I know, late night television at its worst! But it's so addictive, and the girls are just so trashy... It's classic.

Daydreams and Musings
Jan 13, 2006

I am seriously laughing so hard I'm crying and it's a good thing I can type without looking at the keyboard because I wouldn't be able to see it through all these tears! I watched the first night of one of those shows and it made me gag so hard I almost had to be hospitalized. But now, maybe I want to watch it just because you make it seem so funny (and glad that I don't live in Florida and need an oncologist right now).

Jan 14, 2006

Do you know I've never even driven past an IKEA? Mine is a dark and lonely IKEA-less world.

(And now I'm totally visiting Emily because MIAMI INK IS DA BOMB, yo.)

Jan 17, 2006

The DH & I watched The Bachelor in Paris last night (well, I stole the remote when he answered the phone & then I wouldn't give it back!). I loved the rose ceremony when the butler or whoever that guy is steps in "There is only ONE rose left" like the bleach has gone to their heads and the contestants may be thinking, Oh boy, look at ALL THOSE ROSES LEFT! Just piled up on that silly silver platter they are! One, two, three, eighteen, look daggers at the only other remaining brunette.

Jan 17, 2006

Oh my God, I have not watched Bachelor since the first one. I happened upon it last night. During channel surfing, my husband said stop, look at that woman with the weird eyes (Allie G). Little did we know what we were in for. What a freak. How can a woman with so much education (obviously gruelling - sp?) make such a fool of herself on national TV? My husband's comment was that "that is a woman who always got what she wanted."

Worse than her antics was her attitude----- "I am better than any of these teeny-boppers because I am a doctor." "He's just like all those other childish doctor-boys, they don't want a perfect woman like me." "I spent all these big bucks, I should win the bachelor now, tonight." "If he was really smart, he would pick me, instead of these bimbos." WHO WOULD WANT PERSON LIKE THAT in their life, especially to procreate with?

I am a cancer survivor, and I would no more want her to be my doctor than Hannibal Lecter. She is right and you are wrong AND THAT IS ALL THERE IS TO IT! Forget 2nd opinions, she is the best doctor in the world.

Any good Oncologist will tell you survival often requres that cancer patients maintain a good attitude with lots of hope . With a doctor like that, you had better be deaf & dumb, otherwise the confrontations you would have with her could kill the spirit you desperately need to survive. How sad that in all of her years of training, she never learned how to treat people with respect.

Jan 24, 2006

all those women


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