Greg and the Naked Girl, Reprised

So y'all remember Greg, right? (Wow, that's the first and last time I'm using "y'all." British girls cannot get away with it.) He's the neighbor who regularly plays Gloria Estefan at 4am and who once got some girl so drunk that she wandered naked into our apartment one morning. Remember him? Well done. Though it would be sort of be hard to forget him.

Now here is the thing. I can probably count the number of butt-nekkid girls I've seen in my life on the fingers of one hand---you know, maybe a couple in the locker room at the gym, and also one at Woodstock, where I was selling ice cream in the summer of 1999 because I met this boy at Starbucks who said he could get me in for free (but what he didn't tell me was that I'd have to eat Chipwiches for every meal for four days because a sandwich was $20 but the Chipwiches were free. Consequently, I still have to avert my eyes in the frozen food section at the grocery store because if I see another Chipwich, I'll scream. While vomiting.)

But guess what happened this morning? I was walking down the stairs from my apartment, on my way to work, when I saw a small dog in the foyer. Please don't ask me what sort of dog---it was small and cute and kind of toffee-colored. (I don't know, a chihuahua maybe? I have cats.) It was sort of just sniffing around at the Christmas tree put up by my Lovely Neighbor Stacy, whose kind investment in the apartment building (she puts up wreaths! she plants flowers in the garden! she roasts things and the smell makes the whole building smell like home!) more than makes up for the fact that my only contribution to apartment living is to hide the Victoria's Secret catalog that gets delivered to Greg when I know his mother is visiting.

I was sort of worried for this dog. I mean, he obviously didn't belong in the foyer, which is about four feet by four feet, and pretty dog-un-friendly. But I had no idea what I was supposed to do about him. I was fairly certain he didn't belong to anyone in the building---there are only four apartments and we're pretty much up in each other's business all the time---but I couldn't figure out how he might have got in from outside. Was I supposed to let him out so he could go home? Keep him inside? Follow him in case he had a message for me like Lassie would?

I settled for bending down and trying to look at his collar in case he was wearing some kind of tag that included his name and address. I believe I may have been speaking to him at this point (even though I find it totally awkward to talk to dogs; I mean, come on, don't you always feel like such a fraud?) and possibly my voice outside the door made the person in Greg's apartment think "oh shit, I had a dog at one point! Where's it gone?"

Because the door opened---the door in front of which I was kneeling while I tried to pet this dog and speak to it in a silly, syrupy voice---and I looked up to see, inches from my face, a totally naked girl. YES, ANOTHER ONE. I said "oh my god, I'm sorry" and she said "oh my god, I'm sorry" and there ensued a hideously embarassing moment wherein I handed the squirming dog over TO THE NAKED GIRL and then hurriedly left my building, eyes averted, head down, with one thought going through my head: who opens the door naked?

But seriously, don't you think it's a little odd that of the maybe five totally naked women I've seen in my life, TWO OF THEM have been in my apartment building as "guests" of Greg? I mean, is that normal? I don't think that's normal! That's an awfully high percentage of naked women to see in one building, wouldn't you agree?

Also, I think I may have become a gay man. The first thing I thought when I saw her was "wow, she has great highlights."

Jan 09, 2006

So, was she hot?

(I've let my inner perv out to play. WEE!)

Jan 09, 2006

You've become a gay man because your iBook is gone. Or something like that.

And was THIS nekkid woman Greg's girlfriend? Because then you could ask where she gets her highlights.

Jan 09, 2006

I suspect that Greg is running a nudist colony for extremely stupid women in there. Be wary. The next one might prance out almost-naked saying "Do these socks make my butt look big?"

Jan 10, 2006

Mir, I find that socks ALWAYS make my butt look big; that's why I wear mules year-round.

(I just come here for the funny comments, really. I'll go now.)

Jan 10, 2006

I live five blocks from the University and there are two fraternity houses within two blocks of my house. I NEVER SEE STRANGE NEKKID WOMEN!!!

Can I move into your building?

Nothing But Bonfires
Jan 10, 2006

Wait, you just come here for the funny comments? Oh! My stars! A small piece of me just died!

Also, this MAY be his girlfriend, but I don't think either of us will ever be able to look the other in the eye again. I will never get the scoop on the highlights.

And Mike, it's funny you should ask: Greg's moving out---by which we mean "being evicted"-- on the 19th (a result of the all-night Gloria Estefan parties, I guess.) Take his apartment. There are probably nekkid girls in all the kitchen cabinets.

Jan 10, 2006

Hee, that last line is priceless.

Jan 10, 2006

How could you not come here for the funny comments? They're the best. They could be the new cool comment place to be. If that's the case, I'd better leave - as I'm definitely NOT cool. I stumbled in here looking for the library.

Jan 10, 2006

Uh, I think we're forgetting about the dog in this scenario! When you left it in the hands of the nude, what happened to it? Was it held to her unsightly naked bosom, wishing how it could have gone home with you and your fully clothed self? Someone call the SPCA!!

ms lemon
Jan 10, 2006

that is the funniest post i have read anywhere in a long time. thanks for the laugh. i'll just go back to being jealous of your comedic ability now.

Jan 10, 2006

This never happens to me, dammit!

Jan 10, 2006

Okay, okay, yes, I come here for the funny comments (especially Mir's and Susie's---now will you GET A BLOG ALREADY, Susie, sheesh), BUT---the former English professor in me is compelled to say that without YOU, Holly, there would be no funny comments.

There. Are we good now?

And Susie's right---what on earth does a nekkid girl do with a DOG?

Jan 10, 2006

Yes, yes. The naked women that frequent Greg's apartment are certainly a strange, strange thing. But what i don't understand is how you could had a strong aversion to Chipwiches! It's a sandwich with ice cream! And chocolate chip cookies! Even if i ate them every day for the rest of my life, i don't think i could get sick of them. I'd blow up like a whale, probably, but i'd be happy.

Jan 10, 2006

I feel the way about cotton candy that you do about Chipwiches. I spent an entire day making it for the circus (oh, how fun temp jobs can be) and was covered in sugar by the end of the day. The smell of it makes me gag now.

I'm kind of saddened about Greg "moving out" because your posts about him are so dang funny. But I am soothed by the fact that all of your posts are so dang funny and then there will also be funny comments. And all is good.

Jan 10, 2006

My burning question is, did the first naked girl in Greg's apartment have good highlights, too? Maybe he's running a salon in there and he has the girls strip while he does their highlights. Could happen.

Jan 10, 2006

My southern friends taught me the difference between Naked and Nekkid and it sounds like she was the latter.

Naked = nude
Nekkid = naked and UP TO SOMETHING

I'm so glad you didn't use the euphamism for naked that is "birthday suit." That kind of vocabulary makes me cringe.

Jan 10, 2006

Hi! I heard that it's "Delurking Week," so I'm making myself comment on all my "usual" blogs. Unfortunately, I have nothing witty to say about this post. I do, however, enjoy your stories, and am also curious about the ratio of naked women in your apartment building vs other places! Oh, and being from the south, I think y'all with an english accent is just adorable :)

Fraulein N
Jan 10, 2006

What kind of naked-girl magnet IS this Greg? Aside from the hilarity factor, it just kind of boggles the mind.

Jan 10, 2006

Very funny, as usual. My only naked neighbor story is this: When I lived in NYC, my apartment's one window overlooked a teeny, tiny courtyard and was perilously close to the window of the apartment across the courtyard. You never knew when the guy across the way would walk around his apartment buck naked. Unfortunately, it was not a pretty sight. I tended to draw the shade most of the time, keeping out what little sunlight I would have gotten, but it was worth it!

Jan 10, 2006

I don't think I've ever accidentally seen someone naked. I feel so sheltered and naive, now. Dang.

Jan 10, 2006

great highlights? it wasn't an afterthought? your first thought wasn't "oh my god she's standing there naked?" or perhaps i just like to state the obvious when talking to myself. and everyone else.

i've only accidentally seen one person naked, and IT WAS MY DAD. imagine the trauma and mental scarring resulting from THAT.

Jan 10, 2006

Great highlights WHERE??

Jan 10, 2006

Oh, this is funny in so many ways! The image of the naked woman clutching the dog quite literally to her breasts: the image of you looking up at the naked woman and realizing a) she was naked and b) she had great hair: the image of you as a gay man (which will not fly; I saw those New Year's photos and you are clearly female, also annoyingly gorgeous).

I myself look at naked women all the time; in fact, I examine their girly bits with minute care only minutes after having met them. Oh, shut up. I'm a nurse practitioner--I'm doing STD CHECKS. Quite honestly, I'd rather be looking for highlights.

Am flattered silly to be on your blogroll.

Jan 10, 2006

Would you pretty pretty please do an audioblog so we can hear y'all with a British accent?

Jan 10, 2006

What I want to know is whether Greg is some kind of extra hot hottie that he has various nekkid girls in his apartment all the time? I also have to say that I lived in a sorority house for 3 years and didn't see any nekkid girls. Maybe it's because it's too damn cold here to be nekkid for long.

Nothing But Bonfires
Jan 10, 2006

No! Greg is not even that hot! Well, maybe in a sort of tall, dark, and ponytailed way (yeah, I said PONYTAILED; just a little one) and he always seems to be very tan. But he's no Adonis. He does look quite young though -- I thought he was in his mid-to-late twenties but Lovely Neighbor Stacy tells me he's 37. Which, I don't know, is maybe kind of old to be bringing nekkid college girls (and their dogs) home from the bar to have house parties at 4am. Isn't it?

Jan 11, 2006

A burning question: Was there actual confirmation that this was Nekkid Girl's dog? Or in your intense humiliation and shame, did you just hand the dog over and get the hell out of the building? The poor dog.

Jan 12, 2006

WAIT! WHERE were the highlights? I mean, did she have a Brazilian? Were the highlights DOWN THERE? Or what. Because if I was suddenly confronted by a naked ANYONE, the hair on their HEAD is not exactly the first place my eyes would be looking.

I'm just asking, you know.

Jan 12, 2006

And P.S. You can TOTALLY say y'all, because the closest I ever came to being Southern, except by injection (if you know what I mean), was going to college in
Delaware (that's Northern Delaware, which is the North, not Lower Delaware, which is the South). Don't you know that the best thing about the American South is the unlikely people with Southern accents? AB Chao's husband Vince is an Asian Bruce Lee type hottie who totally talks like a Loosyana cracker. The idea of you saying "Y'all" in your clipped British tones is equally delicious.

Jan 12, 2006

If you thought YOU were surprised, imagine how she must have felt when a fully clothed stranger in the foyer of her boyfriend's all-nudist apartment complex, Gymnosophist Manor, handed her somebody else's dog. And totally checked out her highlights.

Jan 13, 2006

Y'all crack me the hell up. Highlights and all.

Jan 14, 2006


My god this blog is funny.

If living near you is half as funny as reading this blog then I want Greg's apartment (Um...minus all the naked women of course!)