The Mysterious Case Of The Fake Diabetes

My cat Charlie is basically a big fat faker. He's like a feline Ferris Bueller. Remember three weeks ago---three weeks ago; this is key---when he was diagnosed with diabetes, and there was much tearing of hair and rending of garments and wailing throughout all the land? And we had to drop a hundred bucks on a vial of insulin that was supposed to last him six months, and learn to give him injections twice a day, and form some sort of working relationship with all of San Francisco's catsitters in the event that we might need them to look after him whenever we went out of town? 

Well, Charlie has fooled us all, folks. He is a modern miracle of science. HE HAS CHEATED MEDICINE. He is, apparently, no longer diabetic. 

Internet, I'm not even kidding. My cat was diabetic---or "diabetic," perhaps I should say---for a grand total of three weeks. He had diabetes for the amount of time some people have a common cold. We dropped him off at the vet for an all-day glucose monitoring on Tuesday morning---oh, just ask me how much that cost---and by Tueday afternoon I had the vet on the other end of the phone.

"Hi," she said. "Good news. Charlie doesn't appear to be diabetic anymore."

"What?" I said. "He just stopped? He just stopped being diabetic? Can that even happen?"

(I talk in italics a lot when I'm incredulous about something.)

"Yup, he pretty much just stopped," she said. "He responded really well to the insulin and his pancreas just started producing it on its own again. In fact, you need to stop giving him those injections immediately. He doesn't need that insulin anymore."

"But....we just learned how to give them to him!" I sputtered. "We're totally not even freaked out by it anymore. We're all 'come here, Charlie, let me stick a needle in you. Well, that was fun; now I'm going to go back to watching Lost. Ooh, look, Sawyer!""

"That's great," said the vet. "But you can stop giving them to him now. He doesn't appear to be diabetic anymore. You caught it early enough, he responded really well, and his body just corrected itself. This is really great news."

And it is really great news, it's just also really bizarre news. I mean, I trust my vet, and I trust that Charlie actually was diabetic when she said he was diabetic---giving him the insulin injections seemed to make him feel so much better; his whole demeanor changed when we started, which just reinforced how sick he'd been before---but the whole thing just still seems so weird. Can he really have had diabetes for three weeks before being mysteriously cured? Is he some kind of miracle cat? Did one of you call in a favor to Jesus or something?

In other news, I now have a box of 75 syringes sitting in my kitchen cupboard and absolutely no use for them whatsoever. Well, that's not true; my long-awaited experiment---tentatively titled "Can I Inject Coffee Directly Into My Veins Without Having To Mess Around And Pour It Into A Mug With Cream And Sugar?"---is now well underway, thanks for asking. Except so far, all results point to no.

Mar 26, 2009

My respect for cats has reached a new high!

Mar 26, 2009

I think Charlie just might know how to work "The Secret".

Camels & Chocolate
Mar 26, 2009

Does that mean he's no longer peeing on your bed?

I'd sell those suckers on eBay (the syringes, not the cats); you know there's good need for them in San Francisco.

Mar 26, 2009

I totally LOL'd at the "the syringes, not the cats" comment by Camels & Chocolates. Because I'm a mean person.

Yay Charlie?

Mar 26, 2009

Coffee isn't so great for injections. Heroin, on the other hand, I hear is great. ;)

Mar 26, 2009

Ooh! Use the syringes to inject strawberries with Grand Marnier and then dip them (the strawberries, not the syringes) in chocolate!

I've been waiting forever to get ahold of syringes for just this purpose.

Mar 26, 2009

keep them in a dark corner of the cupboard (the syringes, not the cats). just in case charlie catches another mysterious diabetes virus.

Mar 26, 2009

Dang it! If I had known Jesus was going to follow through on the favor I would have asked for a global teleporting device for friendlier travel.

Mar 26, 2009

Any chance Charlie could teach me that? I've had diabetes for 14 years now; I could do with a break!

brilliant news though :)

Mar 26, 2009

Hooray for Charliecat! That's great news. My cat is diabetic also, but unfortunately does not seem to have the magical 'heal thyself' gene. 12 hour apart shots every day for YEARS now. OH well, that's what being a responsible pet owner is, I guess. Oh, and I bet another would buy a (slightly used) container of insulin off of you. Try Craigslist. I myself (cough) need to get more syringes soon. Or you can always save them in case you have trouble conceiving in a few years and need to shoot yourself with drugs daily! Sorry, I follow too many IF blogs, makes me paranoid for everyone who hasn't tried yet. Anyways, hooray for non-diabetic cat!

Mar 26, 2009

I sense a new career direction on the horizon. Charlie Cat Burns: Faith Healer. All you need now is a tent, some local disabled/infirm felines, and a miniature white suit for the Reverend C.C. Burns.

Mar 26, 2009

Oh boy! Be on the lookout for signs of stigmata on Charlie cat...
As for the syringes, three words:Cream filled doughnuts!! mmmmmmm.....

Mar 26, 2009

Wow, Charlie really is a miracle cat. Maybe he just didn't like being diabetic and decided enough was enough!

Now you have all the syringes lying around the house, you can recreate my great water melon experience of the summer of 2000.
Buy a big water melon and a bottle of vodka. Fill the syringe with vodka and inject into the flesh of the water melon (we used the whole bottle but half is probably enough!) Leave to marinate for 24 hours, then cut the melon open and serve in delicious, alcoholic slices! :0 )

Mar 26, 2009

Your cat is magic. Take him to hospitals so he can make the lame walk and the blind see. And then put him on the talk show circuit. You'll make back everything you spent on insulin and more.

Sheryl Tuttle
Mar 26, 2009

I'm glad to hear that your cat is better. Her recovery is odd, but certainly good. Enjoyed the post.

Mar 26, 2009

I think a call to the Church is in order over this one.

Mar 26, 2009

You are ALL so FUNNY! Best comments ever.
Charlie clearly faked diabetes so that he could be the subject of such great blog posts.

Nothing But Bonfires
Mar 26, 2009

These comments are CRACKING ME UP. Faith healers! Miniature white suits! Stigmata! The talk show circuit! Hilarious!

Mar 26, 2009

mavel tov, charlie cat burns!

Mar 26, 2009

My cat went through this as well - diabetic, then "cured." He unfortunately became diabetic again, however, so I would suggest hanging on to the syringes and insulin for now. I was under the impression at the time (6-ish years ago) that most cats have the version of diabetes that can be controlled usually with just diet. So sometimes after a short round of insulin treatments they can 'reset' themselves. I'm assuming your vet now has him on a strict almost all-protein diet? I think if you maintain his weight rigidly you may be able to avoid a relapse. Good work, Charlie! :)

Mar 26, 2009

Yep, we switched him exclusively to canned food, which is pretty much all protein. It's also WAY MORE EXPENSIVE than those big bags of dry food that last forever, but hey, if it's working....

Mar 26, 2009

Aren't Terminators self healing? I think we have the answer and Charlie will be the next governor of California.

jennifer in sf
Mar 26, 2009

Congratulations on the miracle cat! So much better than a defective one.

It might be entertaining to sell the syringes on Craigslist, because can you even imagine the people who would call to buy them?

Mar 26, 2009

You might consider donating the syringes to an animal rescue center. They go through a lot of 'em.

Happy to hear about Charlie's recovery!

Mar 26, 2009

(Can I gripe just for a minute about your captcha? If you're going to have it be case-sensitive, could you make sure that it's possible to tell upper from lower case? It's awfully hard to tell the difference between S/s and X/x when they're all squiggly.)

Mar 26, 2009

What size are the syringes? You might find a good infertile with crap insurance who could use them if they're 18 or 22 gauge. (Mel at Stirrup Queens could probably broadcast the offer.)

Sensibly Sassy
Mar 26, 2009

The word syringes gives me the heebeejeebees. This post was very difficult to read for that reason-not as hard as curing your own diabetes-but hard nonetheless. Congrats charlie

Mar 26, 2009

Yep! It was me! I sent in some special prayers. The Gods owe me a favor or two.

You're very welcome.

PS: I also asked for sunshine on your wedding day! That's the kind of girl I am, no trouble.

Mar 26, 2009

Oh thank goodness Charlie is okay. I mean it sucks you spent that money on the meds and the syringes but at least you won't have to keep spending that money. You can buy more shoes instead!

We had a similiar experience with our cat when I was growing up. He was losing his eyesight and was almost blind. We went on vacation and just before we left, we told the sitter that his blood pressure medication was changing and for them to give him another pill instead. When we got back from vacation, I asked him (the cat, not the cat sitter) if he wanted to go out and bake his bones in the sun and I gestured towards the door. His head followed my hand as I pointed. We were flabbergasted. Turns out his old medication was causing the blood vessels in his retinas to swell making them detatch slightly causing his blindness. The change in meds solved that problem and his eyesight came back! Talk about lucky--we were so happy it wasn't permanent.

Scottsdale Girl
Mar 26, 2009

Um, arent there like a LOT OF JUNKIES laying about rillly near your door? You could totally give them out and be the NEEDLE FAIRY! ALL HAIL HOLLY THE NEEDLE FAIRY!

Oh wait...

Mar 26, 2009

I third the suggestions re: vodka. You can inject oranges with vodka and they are insanely awesome.
And glad to hear Charlie has healed himself so marvelously. Maybe he's a christian scientist!

Mar 26, 2009

Wow... Maybe if you had had as much experience injecting various produce items with liquor as some of your reader do, you would have been better prepared for this little miricle-cat matter. Better keep practicing. You know, Just in case...Any menacing mangos hanging around?

Mar 26, 2009

Since apparently no one else is able to follow orders around here, I will do what you said and ask:

"How much did the all-day glucose testing cost?"

I expect a gold star.

Mar 26, 2009

Annnnd...this, right here? Is why I will NEVER OWN A PET.

My parents' dog is on Prozac. PROZAC, HOLLY.

Mar 26, 2009

same thing happened to my mom's cat - wild...

Mar 26, 2009

St Charlie Burns: miracle self-healer?

I'd be seeking a kitty sainthood from the Church.

Mar 27, 2009

All this talk about Charlie (which, BTW, congrats, Charlie!) as a faith healer in little suits reminds me of Toonces, the driving cat: