Bad Decision Thursday: Swimwear FROM HELL

Well, we haven't done one of these in a while, have we? So to celebrate, I've got a real doozy for you. Honestly, Internet, I just don't even know how to describe this one. I don't know where my mother could even have purchased such an item. It is quite possibly the most ugly piece of clothing I've ever seen in my life, and I've a feeling I only have to show it to you for you to agree. 

WHOA THERE. WHAT IS THAT? It's a......bathing suit? With a hole cut in the tummy? It's kind of like a......fake bikini? A Bikini Lite? Baby's First Bikini? I mean, what the hell is going on here, Internet? I am a nine-year-old in an abomination of fashion! And I look so pleased about it! The only positive I can possibly see here is that I seem to have blocked the actual wearing of this atrocity completely from my mind, thank goodness. Presumably my parents paid a team of very powerful brainwashers to help me do that. And if not, they should have done. This picture is going to give me nightmares tonight.

(You can see my other Bad Decisions here: a too-short dress, a bitchin' beret, my overplucked eyebrows, the fake prom, showercap chic, worrisome behavior on the edge of the Grand Canyon, and a special Christmas 2-for-1.)

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Mar 18, 2009

Ooooh dear. I HAD this bathing suit...except mine had MESH where the tummy cut out is. MESH!!! I suddenly don't feel so badly about putting my mom through so much grief when I was a pre-teen. She deserved it for letting me out of the house in such nonsense. Also, can we go back to a time where we didn't have to wax before donning a swimsuit, please?

Mar 19, 2009

Ye Olde Mono-Kini! Who invented those things anyway?

Mar 19, 2009

i totally had nearly that same swimsuit growing up except that the holes were on the sides instead of the front and back.

and i loved the hell out of it, cried my poor little eyes out when it fell to pieces.

Mar 19, 2009

Totally wanted this bathing suit, but my mom wouldn't buy it for me because "it showed too much skin for a child." It's back in fashion, now (along with leggings--WTF?). I saw a pic of Paris Hilton wearing one. And we all know that she is at the height of fashion.

Mar 19, 2009

LOL! I had one and we called them "French Bikinis" though I am sure that the French would have something to say about that. Mine was worse than yours- it was white with gold leopard spots. Really.

Mar 19, 2009

Yep, I had one too. Mine had little ties where the "top" and "bottom" met. I don't know why it was supposed to look like I hiked up my bottoms and tied them to my top, but there you have it.

Mar 19, 2009

What's really sad is that I didn't have a swimsuit like this, or like the others described in the comments, but I *coveted* one. My neon striped ruched swimsuit was not suitably fashion forward for me. Eight year old me is burning with jealousy.

Mar 19, 2009

I had one too! With the ties on the side, like Emily. We called them tankinis as a child.. however if you google the word now, something much more fashionable and acceptable comes up.

Mar 19, 2009

Mine was gray on the bottom and pink with gray stars on the top and it clipped together on the sides! Oh the horror; I was not young like you, I was a teenager.

Mono-kini: another thing I am glad there are no pictures of me wearing.

Mar 19, 2009

I had that exact swimsuit, same colors and everything. I think the late 80's/early 90's was a dark time in fashion for everyone.

Mar 19, 2009

OMG, I had this swimsuit! I *loved* this swimsuit! It had the same hole cut in the back. I don't even want to think about what that would look like on me today. A bikini is fine, and a one piece is fine, but don't you think that the edges of something like this would push and prod a little too much? And create some unsightly bulges?

Good thing they never made this swimsuit for adults. (And if they did, please don't tell me.)

Mar 19, 2009

One-kinis! Or Mono-kinis! I have no idea but I loved mine. It was neon yellow with neon pink polkadots on top and neon pink with neon yellow polkadots on the bottom.

What a bad, bad idea.

Mar 19, 2009

Where are you swimming? It looks kind of mossy and swampy behind you... and quite a bit muddy, too!

Mar 19, 2009

Ok, is it bad that I still have mine? Apparently, I'm a pack rat and my freakini wasn't burned with my other clothing monstrosities! The horror!

Mar 19, 2009

I had this same suit! Like Emily, mine had the ties. And in true 80s style, the colors were HOT PINK and white. It was glorious.

Operation Pink Herring
Mar 19, 2009

That swimsuit looks like it'd be perfect for an audition of American Gladiators: Kids Edition! What do you mean there's no such thing?

Mar 19, 2009

I had two of these beauties, one pink and purple with Little Twin Stars on it, and one that was I think black on the bottom and rainbow striped on top. To say I loved them would be an understatement.

Mar 19, 2009

ha ha haa
Mine was black and white and yellow with the same sweet combination of stripes and dots and some poufy bows on the sides to finish the whole thing off!

Mar 19, 2009

I had this exact same bathing suit too! Same colors even! It was my most favorite article of clothing at the time.

Mar 19, 2009

I actually can't take my eyes off what's going on behind you. Please tell me you weren't swimming in sludge!

Mar 19, 2009

Okay, you're right, it's bad... but not nearly as bad as the hairy fence behind you! I swear I shall have hairy fence NIGHTMARES for the rest of the week!!!

Mar 19, 2009

I'm absolutely certain I had a VERY simiar bathingsuit as a child. I believe mine may have been blue, but it was certainly just as hideous :)

Mar 19, 2009

I remember those, but didn't have one. The worst bit was that it wasn't confined to little girls; actual teenage girls and grown women were wearing them. Somehow I had the presence of mind to think they were hideous even when they were in vogue (but more than made up for that with other, possibly worse fashion choices).

Mar 19, 2009

OMG! I had this EXACT bathing suit! Same colors, same patterns, everything. Sadly, this was not the only suit in this design, as I later had one with different colored panels, one of which did nothing to conceal my 12yo breasteses.

Mar 19, 2009

I cannot tell you how calming it is to know that OTHER PEOPLE HAD THIS SWIMSUIT. Honestly, I feel SO much better now. What were ALL of our mothers thinking?

And you're right, the scenery behind me rather makes it look like I was swimming in some disgusting swamp. It was actually a beach in England called Eastbourne, which normally looks more like this:

The "hairy fence" (haha!) is covered in seaweed and barnacles, I think, and all that brown sludge behind me that looks like...well, brown actually SAND. It might be that the colors of the photo are weird or it might be that....this is just how English beaches look.

Mar 19, 2009

I had one similar to this, though mine was in some sort of blotchy rainbow fabric AND it had a little teeny ruffly skirt thing on the bottom. And there is photographic evidence. It was not a good look, both because the suit was hideous but also because that was my widening-before-lengthening stage. Ugh.

Mar 19, 2009

It's a French Bikini. I had one too and it was actually very flattering because it elongated my short torso and was much more flattering to my baby fat than a regular bikini. I was probably 13 or 14 when these were in fashion, so it was kind of perfect. I was too young to be wearing really sexy bikinis, but too "mature" for the one-pieces I took swimming lessons in. I kind of wish they would come back, actually. I still have a short torso, but now the baby fat is just regular fat. :(

Mar 19, 2009

I totally had that swimsuit. And I LOVED it at the time. Which doesn't make sense, because why not go for the whole bikini? Seriously, the whole point of a two piece (for me at least) is that it doesn't take all that maneuvering to go pee. That little fake bikini number made it even more difficult. You couldn't figure out how to get it on either, what goes in what hole. But man I thought I was so cool.

Mar 19, 2009

You look not unlike a child of trapeze artists. And I mean that in the kindest possible way.

Mar 19, 2009

Dude. I had more than one of those bad boys. The "best" was the one with blue for the bottom and a white top with a button pattern. There were 2 buttons on the sides where the top and bottom joined together. Man, I thought I was wicked cool.

Mar 19, 2009

I really think that having the monokini is some sort of pre-requisite for girls born between 1979-1985 because I'm 90% sure that I have a handful of birthday party photos where we are ALL wearing this particular style.

The worst part? I was a chunky kid, so this really made my belly pop.

Mar 19, 2009

Oh, me too! At 7 I wasn't allowed to have a "real" two-piece but I BEGGED for a french bikini and finally won out. Mine was a hot pink, orange, and purple leopard printed number. Sexy! Someone should start a flickr pool so we can all compare...

Mar 19, 2009

I thought that I was the only one! Apparently not!

Ugh, what a horrible idea. So glad that isn't still a trend - for many reasons but just bare skin in the tummy area?? Who wants to show off JUST that area. Gross.

Mar 19, 2009

Yes,yes... thats right up their with the Little Mermaid number I had that actually had a tail-like wrap. Who thinks of this crap?

Mar 19, 2009

that swimsuit is adorable. i have a picture of me from when i was about ten wearing something similar. the bottom of the suit was navy blue and the top was red, white, and blue vertical stripes and the top and bottom were joined around the belly button by a clear plastic ring.

i loved that suit!

Mar 19, 2009

I had that bathing suit!!! except mine was blue and yellow and green. I had forgotten all about it until I saw this picture. So funny that so many of us had it.

Mar 19, 2009

oh YAY! My sister and I had about 4 of these suits. Awesome. It's like it can't decide.

Mar 19, 2009

Oh, who DID NOT have one of those in the 80s? I think they were a legal requirement.

Okay, seriously....your comment verifications? ARE TOO HARD! I've done like 8 so far!

Mar 19, 2009

Seriously, I had a suit like this when I was little, except the top? CLIPPED to the bottoms. Like, little plastic clips, one on either side, with (I kid you not) interchangeable tops.


I was so cool.

Mar 19, 2009

I had a swimsuit just like that, only it was neon pink and green. I've always gained all my weight in my stomach (while often remaining freakishly skinny elsewhere), so it was a great way to frame my buddha belly. Good thing I was only 8 at the time. I thought my mom would die laughing the first time I put it on. I still wore it to the pool anyway. If only I still had that kind of self esteem today!

Saucepan Man
Mar 19, 2009

The hairy structure behind you is called a "groyne" (in English; "groin" in Americanish) which probably means it will get added to your list of words you'd rather not hear. Can also be called a 'breakwater' which isn't a whole lot better...

The referenced photograph of Eastbourne pier makes it seem like the extended set from a new Norman Bates motel movie. Looks a lot prettier in real life.

That is actually sand in your picture. Not a lot of it along the English South Coast (mainly shingle) so much prized - and not to be criticised!

Kerri Anne
Mar 19, 2009

Rest assured that that bathing suit would be five bazillion times worse were it worn by a grown woman instead of a cute kiddo.(And I think I've actually seen some suits like this in a few catalogs, in this decade. WHY catalogs, WHY?) Also, this totally makes me want to find a picture of the zebra-striped ZIPPERED one-piece my mom once bought me, just to commiserate.

Mar 19, 2009

Ahhh- my sister and I definitely had this kind of swimsuit!

Maybe I'm just getting old (24, ha!), but it seems too sexy for a little girl!

Mar 20, 2009

I also had a swinsuit of that same style when I was a little girl and I LOVE IT. I don't know why though.

Mar 20, 2009

I love your hand placement, as if hiding the connecting part of the bathing suit would make it better.

Mar 20, 2009

yep, had the variation with the ruffled skirt and was wearing it in Cornwall (same latitude as Eastbourne!) The tummy part made for a very special kind of suntan - Unfortunately Mothers in didn't know about sunblock in the late '70's.

Mar 20, 2009

I had this suit too - except mine was, no kidding, neon green and pink with frogs on the rubberized straps.

Mar 21, 2009

I TOTALLY HAD THIS BATHING SUIT! And one with holes cut in the side! And I went through a period where I was NOT THIN and wow. I believe, based off the pictures of me, those two period seemed to have coincided. Unfortunately.

Mar 21, 2009

My sister had the exact same one in blue. Right down to the stripes and dots.

Mar 21, 2009

i had two of these...TWO! one was four different neon colors, the other was a more subtle black and white number. i loved those suits. sad.