Two More Wedding Tasks Checked Off The List, Approximately Fourteen Squillion To Go

The weekend was taken up with quite a few wedding errands, and wow, would you look at that, I just lost a third of you, I bet. This site is getting a little too weddingy, I know it, and I'm sorry, but just hang in there until September 5th and it'll all be over. Only then I'll have to take up origami or Capoeira, The Brazilian Art of Dance Fighting or something, just to fill the empty days I once spent hand-addressing envelopes and talking about it.

Speaking of hand-addressing envelopes and talking about it, I spent most of Saturday at my new kitchen table, a stack of save-the-date cards on my left, a stack of envelopes on my right, and the Master Spreadsheets of All Master Spreadsheets on my laptop in front of me. I have no idea how it took me almost an entire day to hand-address and stamp and stuff all those envelopes, but it did, and if you find yourself the proud recipient of one of those envelopes, I would appreciate it if you'd FRAME IT, MOUNT IT, AND HANG IT ON YOUR LIVING ROOM WALL once you receive it, to be rescued along with the kids and the photo albums if your house ever burns down.

Alternatively, you could just keep it somewhere safe, like in your underwear drawer, I guess, but whatever you do, I'm begging you, don't throw that envelope away. That envelope is imbued---though not literally, ew---with blood, sweat, and tears, my friends; it represents five DVR-ed episodes of The City I could have watched on MTV had I not been stuck at my kitchen table, two batches of cookies I could have baked, four loads of laundry I could have done. That envelope means a lot to me, is what I'm saying, and you will never, ever know how long it took me to get the curls of the "y" in your name just right.

(Eh, whatever, I'm just kidding, you can throw it away if you like. It wasn't the right shade of turquoise anyway.)

So now the save-the-dates are done, to be sent out in the mail on Monday, and for the first time in my life I am beginning to realize why I paid attention in handwriting class---what, you didn't have a handwriting class?---all those years ago. Do you know, at my school, you had to write in pencil until you were about nine or ten, and then when you were nine or ten, you were, at some point, granted a PEN LICENSE, which meant your handwriting was good enough for you to graduate to using a ballpoint pen. The pen license was an actual, physical license---bright orange cardstock, I can see it now---and (ahem) someone you know not only got her pen license fairly far ahead of all the other kids in the class, but also then went home right afterwards and HUNG IT UP ABOVE HER DESK. Oh that's right, don't mess with me, folks! I've got a pen license and I'm not afraid to use it!

(This is basically my way of telling you that the sixty-something  envelopes I hand-addressed on both sides look, if not like proper calligraphy, then still surprisingly acceptable. Pen license represent!)

Can I interest you in something from our patisserie? A freshly-baked envelope, perhaps? Low in calories!

On Sunday morning, we braved the tropical monsoon San Francisco had decided to invite over and walked the ten minutes to our friendly neighborhood Crate and Barrel, where we'd signed up for one of their Wedding Parties. These parties are basically a clever marketing ploy to get couples to register at Crate and Barrel, but since we were always going to register at Crate and Barrel anyway, we figured we might as well get a free mimosa or two out of it. (Ha! Joke's on you, Crate and Barrel! And I ate your banana bread!)

Registering, registering is something else, isn't it? We had the store to ourselves---well, us and twenty other engaged couples---and we were free, champagne glasses in hand, to wander all three floors and scan the things we wanted with our special laser gun, and every so often we'd stumble upon someone doing a demonstration with a waffle-maker or an espresso machine, which meant we'd get to try a quarter-slice of a waffle or a latte in a very small cup. I would like to demand that, henceforth, all my shopping experiences are like this one, complete with the part where you don't actually have to pay for anything at the end. Although that part is a little strange, actually: phantom shopping! Ghost shopping! Wait, you mean I have to wait months before those stemless wine glasses are mine?

We took to the laser-scanning thing fairly well, actually---the alcohol helped; good thinking there, Crate and Barrel---and we assumed the fairly predictable roles you'd expect us to assume: Sean wielding the scanner gun and me seizing upon various necessary-but-not-really-necessary kitchen ephemera (cake stands, mostly) and going "this? this? this? do we need this?" Honestly, it was like a scene right out of a bad romantic comedy. I have never in my life felt more like a person responding to a situation exactly how Hollywood wanted her to respond.

The highlight, for sure, and a joke that never got old was the part right after we'd scanned whatever item we'd decided we needed and had to enter the quantity we wanted into the scanner. Every single time we did this, Sean would say "six to eight?", which is maybe only amusing to you if you've read the David Sedaris essay "Six To Eight Black Men"---in which case I apologize if you haven't---but trust me, it was pretty funny. It won't be so funny when six to eight panini presses show up on our doorstep, of course, but hey, that'll be another story for another time.

Camels & Chocolate
Feb 23, 2009

FUN! The sole reason I want to get married someday is for the registry madness! (You know me and my shopaholic ways--but it would be with somebody else's money! Oh, the possibilities!)

jacqueline c.
Feb 23, 2009

I LOVE "Six to Eight Black Men." It's triple hilarious when heard read out loud by the man himself.

Feb 23, 2009

OOh Lucky you! We had such a small wedding and thought we didn't need any gifts/registry. Now i feel like we totally missed out (and were being young and stupid!) on fun and also gifts! sensible gifts chosen by yourself for yourself! ah well, you live you learn I guess.

Feb 23, 2009


In my day.. One graciously accepted the cobalt blue crocheted Afghan, and matching Macrame plant hanger... and did so with a smile thank you very much...

As my Italian Mamma would say..
" You younga generation... you no appreciate noting !"

No fair... I wanna play with Lasers!!!
Sounds like fun.

Feb 23, 2009

I don't think I have ever laughed as hard as I did when I listened to David Sedaris reading "Six to Eight Black Men." This, along with "Stadium Pal," is definitely one of my favorites.

Feb 23, 2009

That essay is hilarious, I'm off to find a recording of him reading it. Me imagining him reading it in my head wasn't working for me.

Feb 23, 2009

I have that same scarf!
And, you will get 6-8 panini presses, or something, no matter how you register. Be warned!

Feb 23, 2009

Ah! Thank you for the David Sedaris reference. What a wonderful way to start of a Monday morning. One of my favorites of his! But of course not as classic as the Stadium Pal. (

Feb 23, 2009

Registry shopping!! I loved it, my husband did not. I remember standing in Bed, Bath, and Beyond with the helpful saleswoman staring at us in (shock, amazement, dismay?) because we had no idea what colors we wanted our duvet cover, sheets, or towels. I had no idea that getting a ring on my finger meant I had to figure out decorating schemes!!

Ooohhhh...I think the sketch where David Sedaris talks about Easter in France is priceless. Good times.

Feb 23, 2009

i think you need to register at walmart for things like six different kinds of beef jerky and that Duggar kid.

FunnyGal KAT
Feb 23, 2009

Apparently, post-wedding depression is a pretty common thing-- and you get those brides who spend months after their wedding putting on their dress and watching their wedding video a bajillion times while they cry about how it's over and they'll never get another special day. I definitely didn't experience that... more like, "Holy crap, do I have a lot of extra time on my hands now that I don't have to spend every evening addressing envelopes/creating centerpieces/printing out programs!"

Feb 23, 2009

I remember when Hub-E and I registered way back when. When we got to the bed linens department and he saw the pillow shams he had to say "Shammy O'Sham" in an Irish accent. Which made me giggle. But then he had to say it about 20 more times, which really started to get on my nerves. But it's still funny to think about years later and sometimes when he's helping me change the sheets he'll say "shammy o'sham!" just to be cute.

Feb 23, 2009

Back in 2002 when we registered (ALMOST SEVEN YEARS AGO, OMG) we did the Crate and Barrel thing and Dave made me so mad that I ended up crying in the barware aisle and came back by myself a few weeks later to register SOLO. He had this crazy idea that we shouldn't register for ANYTHING because then people would give us cash. Except this is not what people do. People buy you crap you don't want when you don't register, case in point: my brother, who now owns three Jesus statues because everything on the registry was bought before the wedding weekend.

Can you believe it? I MARRIED THE GUY WHO MADE ME CRY WHEN WE WERE SHOPPING FOR THINGS WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO PAY FOR. He made up for it in other areas, obviously.

Feb 23, 2009

I wonder if anyone ever calls up C & B's customer service line eleven months later asking how difficult it would be to return waffle irons #2-7 because they got drunk and couldn't figure out how to work the scanner.

If I ever get married, I suspect the answer to that question will become "Yes".

Feb 23, 2009

Not to blatantly ignore your wedding, but the greatest part of this post for me, was the Sedaris Link... I'm guessing you've been to the Netherlands, which is why '6 to 8 did you say?' is so funny - but we were there a couple years ago right around Sinterklaas...

I present for those who aren't familiar: Black Pete and Sinterklaas...

and I kid you not that there was one of the prostitute houses we passed by, where the girls in the window were in black-face and dressed like Sinterklaas' "helpers".... (!)

hee hee... and hope you have a wonderful time planning and preparing for the wedding! So much fun :)

Feb 23, 2009

Well, I for one am really enjoying your wedding posts. Since I'll probably never go through all this myself - not being particularly interested in having a wedding OR getting marriage - it's nice that I get to experience everything vicariously through you.

Of course, I'd read pretty much anything if you wrote it.

Feb 23, 2009

Yes, you need EVERYTHING, because once you've paid for the wedding, the photos, the honeymoon and all the extras you didn't think of beforehand, you will have spent every red cent you will be earning for the next billion years, believe me! :-) Seriously, we got married in December, and while we had the most amazing time, we keep discovering things I wish I'd registered for (like your gorgeous cake stand) because we won't have a budget for non-essentials for the next 6 months! I wanted to comment on your dress post to let you know to save every penny you can on buying wedding things, because extra expenses ALWAYS crop up (for example, our chosen officiant had something come up and we had to find a last-minute and more expensive replacement - ditto my florist of choice). I hope it all goes well - your invitations (which will be terrific practice for the thank-you cards!;-))look beautiful! :-)

Anne & May
Feb 23, 2009

Today my husband read this post and then emailed me WHERE WAS MY MIMOSA, HUH??? We just registered on a crowded afternoon while fully sober.

Good work discovering this lovely loophole in the giant confusion of wedding planning. I'll tell you what else rules...CAKE TASTING. Draw that errand out.

Also, Crate and Barrel is EASILY the most bride-and-groom friendly place to register so good work. We bought a couch on gift cards (!) and they even cashed out a few extra gift cards with a smile. Now that's class!

Feb 24, 2009

We did inventory tonight at work. Which means I got to play with those little laser guns for SEVEN HOURS STRAIGHT.
It was something quite.
Of course, yours was much funner becauase I had to count everything I scanned and put the tags the right way and think THIS IS WHAT IT IS LIKE TO WORK IN A FACTORY AND DO THE SAME MOTIONS AGAIN AND AGAIN I WOULD PROBABLY END UP DEAD FROM THE BOREDOM. But then again... I did point my laser thingy at my coworkers when they walked by. So that was fun.

Feb 24, 2009

Keep doing the wedding posts! This old married lady loves them. It's actually only been 9 years, but it is fun to see how much things have changed in such a short amount of time. Mimosas and registering sounds like great fun!

the sassy kathy
Feb 24, 2009

you're making me lol. and im' at work. so i'd appreciate very much if you were less funny in future posts.

but truly. registering. i cannot wait. i'm more and more anti-wedding as time goes on (too much fuss too much muss blah blah blah) but the thought of holding that little gun and going on a shopping spree without actually spending any money? oh it sounds like heaven.

Feb 24, 2009

A pen license? I am pretty sure I never would have graduated from bad writing pencil status. My handwriting is atrocious and in 5th grade I told my mom not to worry about my bad handwriting because I would just learn to type. And I did. All of my school reports were typed from the time I was 11 or so onward. Probably not unusual now but at the end of the 80s and early 90s it was a bit out of the ordinary.

Feb 24, 2009

Addressing my wedding invitations (we didn't do save the date cards) was by far THE MOST STRESSFUL part of my wedding planning. So, I understand.

Feb 24, 2009

Your blog is one of the most clever, funny, and well designed blogs I have come across in a while. I do look forward to reading your new posts regardless of the subject matter, because they are always intriguing. While I know posts like these always seem weird to receive from someone you don't know, but I always like reading friendly comments on my own blog. So I thought I would pass the nice-ness along! Good luck with your wedding planning! Cheers!

Feb 24, 2009

I just got my stemless wine glasses from Crate and Barrel at my shower this afternoon! Nice choice :) We also got the acacia wood appetizer plates and platter and two slate cheese boards. We didn't register in store though, did everything through Had I known that free mimosas would be involved, I so would've dragged my boy out to a store!

Feb 24, 2009

In grade school we wrote with pencils until graduating to *erasable* pens. Very fancy. I think that happened in fourth or fifth grade. Then finally, the non-erasable pen (which was good since those erasable pens would smear like crazy).

Feb 25, 2009

Pen license? Are you kidding me?!

(We got our Save the Date today, and I made Simon be extra careful when he opened the envelope because, yes, I would have filed this away and save it forever even if you hadn't asked me to. He commented on your lovely penmanship and I commented on the lovely shade of turquoise and then we both agreed that the envelope was the best part by far.) (Well, the marriage will be the best part, but until then, the envelope!)

Alicia C.
Feb 25, 2009

haha. You would be surprised what you get when you register. We registered for the ring glasses at c&b and put in 8 for each size (tall, short and fat, and short and skinny) or so we thought. We got this box with 8 big ones, 8 little ones, and 1 middle size one. We went back and looked and sure enough we had only registered for 1 middle size glass. and someone actually bought us just ONE middle sized glass! :)

Feb 25, 2009

Holy cow. I just saw this flicking through Etsy and I would get married again just to buy one and use it. And well, since getting married again to the same man within a 3 year period might be overkill to some just to have a book made, I figured I could push it on someone getting married now. You. Please buy one of these and then post pictures of how lovely it is...or I might just have to dream up a reason to buy one for myself. Like have a baby or something.

Feb 25, 2009

I love your blogs! They are so fun to read. At least it must be so exciting to be getting married...I can't wait for mine! Err...whenever that might be. Spare dresses? Oh well...never wear the same dress twice, right? Lol!




Feb 25, 2009

To pick up on an as yet uncommented-on topic from your post, I watched Capoeria, the Brazilian Art of Dance Fighting several times at the Sunday market in San Paulo about 25 years ago.

Couldn't say I'd be that good at it now but perhaps I could give you and the old man a few lessons before the wedding? The video of your father-daughter dance at the reception would almost certainly become the new 2 million views sensation on YouTube...