This Post Would Have Been Longer But I Have To Address 65 Envelopes Now

Monday was sort of a bad day. No single terrible thing happened; it was more a series of small indignities and irritations that, cumulatively, had me very quickly wanting to punch a wall. You know the sort of thing: laddered tights, stubbed toes, malfunctioning computers, missed buses (yes, plural, and in a thunderstorm no less. BOTH TIMES.) When it got to the point where I finally realized that nothing was going to go right for me all day, I threw up my hands in frustration. I GET IT, UNIVERSE, I said. TODAY SUCKS. WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET IT ALL OVER WITH AT ONCE?

And the Universe was all FINE, THEN I WILL. And very quickly responded by:

  • Ensuring that I dropped an ink pad---the ink was fucshia, of course it was fuchsia--onto my seagrass rug. Face down. (Of course it was face down.)
  • Making sure I hit "discard" on a very important email rather than "send" when I was done with it.
  • Closing the cafe where---out of sheer desperation for some joy to come of this day---I had planned to buy my official This Will Cheer Me Up Cookie. (Though, come to think of it, that actually might have been the President's fault, rather than the Universe's. Seeing as it was President's Day.)

So basically, I suffered pretty much every cliche you can think of on Monday, or at least every cliche you can think of when someone says "man, I had a bad day." In fact, I'm surprised I didn't get a parking ticket. (Wait, I probably did. Let me just go outside and check.)

On the upside, however, I did discover Diet Orange Sunkist for the first time on Monday, so, you know....there's that. Silver linings and all, I guess.

*****************************************

Another thing I did on Monday that made it so sucktacularly hellish was to visit five art supply stores in a thirty-minute period (on foot, in a thunderstorm, during my lunch hour, uphill both ways in the snow) in search of a white pen that would show up on the greeny-blue envelopes I'd bought for our save-the-dates.  Let's ignore, for now, that the envelopes weren't really even the right color---although I had to keep them, because I couldn't be bothered to go back to Paper Source to return them, and anyway WHO RETURNS ENVELOPES?---and focus instead on the pen I needed to write on them.

This pen, you see, didn't exist. Nor did the ink pad with white ink that I was looking for at the same time. Please don't ask how I got it in my head that I needed a white pen and a white ink pad in order for my save-the-date envelopes to look awesome---and therefore for my wedding to be spectacular and my marriage unlikely to end in divorce----but somehow I did.

Engaged ladies, beware. I'm not sure how this happens, but I tell you, you think you're a fairly laid-back, easygoing person, and then one particularly stressful day you buy the wrong color envelopes for your save-the-date cards, experience a small, private moment of melting-down-ness on your living room couch, and all of a sudden you figure out where they get the chicks for these Bridezilla shows. THEY LOOK FOR THEM IN ART SUPPLY STORES. Specifically, they look for them in the aisles where the white pens and white ink pads are supposed to be sold.

Long story short, I found my white pen, I found my white ink pad, and I have since come to terms with the fact that my envelopes---I mean, honestly, my ENVELOPES! Which people are only going to THROW AWAY ANYWAY---do not have to be the exact shade of turquoisey-greeny-blue I had originally envisioned. I also, by the way, bought a Martha Stewart doily edger in a craft store over the weekend, but for that, I can only plead insanity. I seriously have no idea how it happened. I mean, think of the one thing you probably don't ever need in your life---the most superfluous item you can ever imagine possessing---and a Martha Stewart doily edger probably comes fairly close, am I right? And yet it's so fun to use that I've been going around doily edging pretty much everything I can find in my house. My toilet paper looks awesome, if you'd like to come over.

1
Camels & Chocolate
Feb 19, 2009

I'd say you're a pretty laid-back bride, still, as far as brides go. And if you need someone to do the addressing, that's what you have your posse for (though be warned, my penmanship is nowhere near as fancy as yours).

(I, too, suffered the president's backlash, as every single coffee shop and bakery--even Absinthe!--was closed when I was desperately searching for somewhere to go, work and kill a couple hours. Then, the knitting store was closed, as well, simply because it was Monday, and I felt as if someone had plunged a dagger deep into my broken heart.)

2
Sarah
Feb 19, 2009

Look out for Obama's next town hall meeting, go along and explain how, damn it all, you needed a cookie. He'll probably be able to get you a cookie. Or at least a box of M&Ms with the seal of the President on them.

3
Marcheline
Feb 19, 2009

Welcome to the world of Impending Wedding Syndrome. For me, it was finding the perfect... THE PERFECT.... cake topper, only to hear back from the company that it had been discontinued.

Did I find the cake topper somewhere else? Oh, yes. Yes, I did.

Never underestimate the power of a wedding-motivated woman. You will also be able to lift small cars if you think your perfect [insert wedding-related item here] is under one of the tires.

4
Heather B.
Feb 19, 2009

"My toilet paper looks awesome, if you'd like to come over."

I'll gladly come over. Next week-ish? Sound good?

5
B
Feb 19, 2009

I am cracking up in sympathy. My bridal meltdown involved finding the proper shade of green/width/texture ribbons for the chairs. Take comfort, I swear this will pass!

6
Hilary
Feb 19, 2009

Your day sounded awful! I have to also say that I TOTALLY LOVE Diet Orange Sunkist. I always thought it would be gross BUT it isn't. It's marvelous. Hope that and the pen finally being found, cheered you right up.

7
glschneider
Feb 19, 2009

My "thing" was my veil. I didn't have the money to spend on a expensive crystal beaded one, but I wanted a expensive crystal beaded one. My brillant solution- a plain inexpensive fingertip length veil with blusher that I would hand bead myself. So thrifty, so crafty. So insane. I literally carried that veil around with me for months- beading in my spare time. I sent out my fiance for chinese one night and he put the takeout containers in the trunk with my veil. Instant bridal meltdown over the possibility that it could have spilled on the veil or at the very least I would smell like beef and broccoli on my wedding day. He did not understand the tears of insanity needless to say and we had a huge blowout over it.

I guess I am saying I feel your pain.

8
jen
Feb 19, 2009

I remember going to several craft stores looking for ribbon to tie around my invitations (which had gray lettering instead of black so like your not quite the right green, they were wrong to begin with). Needless to say by the end of the search for the right color of blue ribbon, I was actually angry at my bridesmaids for not agreeing to the silver dresses I wanted in the first place (I wanted silver...they complained of looking washed out so we ended up with a dark blue, yes, I am a doormat and if they weren't my sisters and sister-in-law, I would never have agreed to change it). It was hard to remember at the time but now I look back and laugh at how silly I was for not just picking up the first blue ribbon I saw. Because only I would have known it was not the right shade.

9
Elysabeth Reichman
Feb 19, 2009

I had several wedding "things", which I am sure my husband, Marc, will never forget.

We had major meltdown anxiety over invitations though--which ones to get, which font to use, and most embarrassingly, it took is THREE DAYS to write our own invitation text, because I needed the wording to be as non-weddingy and egalitarian as possible. Do I remember what it says? No. But I do remember that we sent each other texts of invitation-wording ideas for about three days. It was a scene.

10
Erin
Feb 19, 2009

Not to outdo you or anything, but on Tuesday I got into TWO car accidents. The first one was my fault; a fender bender. The second one, in our OTHER car, was really bad. A lady ran a red light and totaled our car. Funny, I don't feel that stressed about it. I guess I'm glad to be unhurt. It's days like the one you had on Monday that are the worst, because there's no big thing that can jolt you back into that "be grateful for today" mentality.

11
Nothing But Bonfires
Feb 19, 2009

Oh my god Erin. You win.

12
Elizabeth
Feb 19, 2009

I am totally embarrassed to admit that I am making my sister in laws programs for her wedding in May and not only have I become obsessed with the right color pink paper, to the point of ordering numerous swatches from Paper Source, but I just bought white india ink and a calligraphy pen so I can print their names in white on the front of 200 programs. Apparently we're being controlled by the same wedding hive mind. I don't suppose you know where I can buy this white pen you speak of?

13
Melanie
Feb 19, 2009

I had a variety of mini-meltdowns, but I got through them with some of the logic above - no one else knows what I originally wanted. Of course, I'm the type that TELLS everyone it's not what I had in mind, but maybe you can control that impulse. :)

I was just thinking about Diet orange soda yesterday. We don't have that type of thing here (small-town, Mexico) but I really wish they did. So do my hips.

14
Lydia
Feb 19, 2009

Your day reminds me of one of my favorite children's books, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. It's so bad that Alexander decides he's better off in Australia. Fitting, no? :)

15
Rachel
Feb 19, 2009

I'm sorry you had a bad day.

Speaking of your wedding, however, I had a dream about it last night. Annddd I'm not sure I want to be sharing this with the Internets, but: it was at my parent's house. I hosted your wedding at my parent's house (where I no longer live) and invited my friends. I decided, last minute, to move the reception from my parent's bedroom to the living room, so, you know, whew.

It was a rather lovely celebration, if I do say so myself, disregarding the fact that I've never met you or Sean.

Please don't think I'm creepy.

16
Karen
Feb 19, 2009

@ Erin,

My husband got in two accidents (technically three) in one day too (this was years ago). He got rear ended at a red light and after exchanging information with the driver, he got in the turn lane to turn around and go to see our insurance agent when he got rear ended again. He went to file the claim with one of the driver's insurance company and as he was leaving their office, he backed into the bumper of a UPS truck (there was no damage to the truck and the driver didn't care so we got lucky there).

The only good thing that came out of that was that the insurance companies couldn't tell which driver did what damage so they both paid out for the entire claim.

17
Nothing But Bonfires
Feb 19, 2009

Rachel, if only you could see me convulsing in laughter at my computer right now. THE CEREMONY WAS GOING TO BE IN YOUR PARENTS' BEDROOM. I love it!

18
Scottsdale Girl
Feb 19, 2009

Damn and I am all "SQUEEEE!" when I get home on "Housekeeper's been here Thursday's" to find my toilet paper folded into a point.

Perhaps I should get her one of those doily thingamajigs. Screw cleaning the toilet! Doily mah buttwipe!

19
slynnro
Feb 19, 2009

Diet Sunkist will CHANGE YOUR LIFE! FOR THE BETTER. Too bad you aren't in Texas, I could introduce you to Diet Big Red.

20
Kristin
Feb 19, 2009

Oh my God Holly, at least once a month I find myself thinking that we are the same person. I too have been struck with The Hysteria, and like you am shocked to find myself in this position. I mean - this isn't me, right? I'm not that person who gets so worked up over the size of the thank you notes in relation to the size of the thank you note envelopes that I write an email dripping with barely-contained-fury to my printer at 12:30 am on a Tuesday! I don't spend hours agonizing over whether it's tacky not to pay $2 for calligraphy on the envelope, do I? And it's just not like me to care whether people can see a half-inch or a whole inch of my stupid shoes. But oh my God, the DRAMA involved with all of these decisions. Fortunately, sanity almost always returns within a day or so (and the envelopes were hand-addressed in the end. I mean, really.).

21
fancythis
Feb 20, 2009

My favorite part is that in spite of the fact that you have called the doily edger superfluous (and the fact that I think that it IS in fact, superfluous - but don't worry, when I was planning my wedding, I all of a sudden became OBSESSED with scrapbooking) when you follow the link over, it says "Martha's Must-Haves" as if the doily edger were not, in fact, superfluous, but very, very necessary.

22
Leah
Feb 20, 2009

I actually considered buying one of those edgers for the birth announcements, but then I realized it would involve leaving the house and spending money, so I didn't.

I also had a Monday Monday, which included waking up early, getting all emotional about going to the pediatrician for vaccinations, driving to the office, and then being told we didn't have an appointment until Thursday. Boo to Monday!

23
ali
Feb 20, 2009

i may or may not already own that martha stewart doily edger.
i'll never tell!

24
Erika
Feb 20, 2009

In all honesty, I don't even remember any of my wedding planning meltdowns. I think I did pretty well in that department. Though I'm sure my husband and other family members might remember a few...

25
HollyLynne
Feb 20, 2009

There is nothing wrong with owning a Martha Stewart Doily Edger. Paper crafting is a useful and thrifty pursuit. You just might want to refer to it by a name other than "Doily Edger" when in the presence of men folk. Cause that shit could get you mocked pretty hard.

26
Laura
Feb 21, 2009

I was just innocently perusing the internet looking for pixie cuts for my girlfriend on hair sites and imagine my surprise when amongst pictures of entertainment celebrities was one Holly from Nothing But Bonfires pictured with advice on how to wear bangs. http://short-haircutstyles.blogspot.com/2008_10_01_archive.html# I think that seals your internet fame. ;)

27
Nothing But Bonfires
Feb 21, 2009

Um, WTF? I never gave that site permission to use a picture of me! They just stole it off Flickr without my knowledge or consent. Right, one STRONGLY-WORDED LETTER coming up.

28

Nothing like the culmination of small indignities. Hmm...that would make a good title.

29
Dana
Feb 22, 2009

Did your Martha Stewart doily puncher work? I bought one for use with my invites and the damn thing would not punch anything that wasn't tissue paper thin. It "ate" one of my invites. I took it back to the craft store with the eaten up invite as evidence in my plea to let them allow me to return it, even though it was open. They did. My wedding is June 28th and I thought I'd avoid stress by getting everything done as earlier as possible (I've been engaged for five years and booked the wedding 2 years in advance). I was wrong, weird crap keeps poping up all the time. I had a meltdown of tears one day where I swore up and down that I had originally wanted to elope lol.

30
Nothing But Bonfires
Feb 22, 2009

Yeah, mine only punches paper -- I tried it on cardstock and it wasn't having any of it. Kind of a bummer.

31
Laura
Feb 23, 2009

I kind of suspected that it wasn't used with your permission -- that is why I let you know. The nerve!

32
mikkiel.sim
Feb 23, 2009

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33
s
Feb 24, 2009

yes, i would have walked those dang envelopes right back to paper source and satisfied my disgust. or at least gotten halfway there only to realize that Ive flipped and head back home. then i would have wrestled with the choice of the appropriate stamp, and then spent the rest of the day making sure the stamp fit the proper corner exactly right. telling myself, all along the way, that NONE OF THIS MATTERS but "do it right anyway."
its a curse.
upside? we could start a support group.