Friends Don't Let Friends Bedazzle Their Initials On A Wedding Dress

Up until a few months ago, my big claim to fame was that I'd never been to a wedding. It was kind of a good ice breaker to use when I'd already told the story of the naked girl in my apartment, and it always made people say, "Really? What, like, never?" And unless you count the sort-of wedding for one of Sean's old high school friends that we went to a few years ago---which I totally don't, because they were already married, I mean they had a baby and he was there, and this was just the formal thing the bride's parents wanted to have so lots of people would have an excuse to drink champagne---then it was absolutuely true. I'd never been to a wedding. Which was sort of ironic, since these days a large part of my job is coming up with wedding-themed puns that can be used as caption headlines for one of the magazines I work for. You've Got Veil! Bridal Sweet! One-Knee Wonders! He's With the Band! It's sort of addictive after a while. Like Tetris.

Then in October, another of Sean's friends got married and we flew out to California to be there. I was incredibly excited at the thought of attending My First Wedding, but thanks to the total dysfunction of Delta Airlines (I can't actually remember if it was Delta now but what the hell, we'll blame them anyway, they make you PAY FOR SANDWICHES), we arrived seconds after the ceremony had ended. And since both the bride and groom were wearing cowboy boots, and most of the other people had somehow seen "Just wear what you'd wear for a really casual evening drinking a few beers in your local bar down the street" somewhere in flowing script on the invitation where I had not, I was somewhat overdressed in my gold strappy sandals and embroidered white skirt which, you know, might have been perfectly okay if there were not LIVESTOCK wandering around outside the reception hall. I thought a Rodeo Club would be sort of like a Country Club, but apparently not. So of course I did the sensible thing, and chose to deal with the situation by stationing myself very, very close to the (box of) wine, and making impassioned statements about the inefficacy of the president in front of the couple's die-hard Republican relatives. I also did not hide my surprise very well when someone mentioned in passing that the bride was 22 and that this was her second wedding. I think I might have said "But how did she even have time?" I'm fairly certain I won't be invited to her third.

A week later, I finally got to do the whole thing JUST LIKE IT IS ON TV, when a friend brought me along as her date to a beach wedding in Charleston. I cried all the way through the ceremony, even though I'd never met either the bride or the groom, but the gold strappy sandals were finally appropriate, the wine was in bottles, and I managed not to question anyone's politics. Which made it a succesful night for all. Sure, I lost the "I've never been to a wedding" line, but I still had "I've never been a bridesmaid." Which, incidentally, has been a large cause of anguish for me since I was six or seven. I've wanted to be a bridesmaid my whole life! I've always coveted a closetful of the ugliest dresses in the world, puffy-sleeved dresses in tangerine that I could gesture to wearily and say with a dismissive wave of the hand, "Eh, bridesmaid's dresses."

And now my friend Jemima, she of the insanely excellent dinner parties, has found a mail-order husband from Turkmenistan on the Internet and is to pay him 400 Turkmen manat to marry her in June! Actually, that's not quite true: her boyfriend (who has excellent glasses; so excellent that Sean modeled his current pair on them) proposed to her last week and it was all terribly, terribly romantic, and involved long walks in plantations and abandoned rice fields and perfect blue skies, but I'm using the mail-order husband story for as long as I can. And although I find it incredibly exciting that Jemima is getting married and I will be able to call her up at work and say "Hello, is this Mrs. Jemima?" and she will not be able to argue BECAUSE SHE WILL OFFICIALLY BE A MRS. AND NOW GROCERY STORE CLERKS WILL CALL HER MA'AM, there is an even more thrilling part to the story: she has asked me to be a bridesmaid.

Oh, there was much excitement when I read her email (she had to ask me transatlantically since I am STILL ON VACATION and am whiling away my days by having grapes peeled for me and dropped gently into my mouth while I recline on a sun lounger, and will be doing so for FOUR MORE DAYS). I don't care if she dresses me in hot pink or insists on ruffles or nipple tassels or white pantyhose. I'm just excited to be such a big part of one of the most important days of her life.

And to meet this guy from Turkmenistan, of course.

Dec 29, 2005

"How did she even have time?" I love it. I've asked a similiar question of women who boast a mind-numbing five or six marriages, as I can't imagine finding so many agreeable men with diamonds in a lifetime. My question: "How did she find so many people to marry her?"

Many cheers to Jemima, can't wait to follow all about the wedding. I've always longed to be a flower girl, really, really ached for that role, so if y'all need a 27-year married flower girl, I'm your woman.

Dec 29, 2005

Just for the Turkmenistan remark, I am specially ordering YOUR bridesmaid dress with matching faux croc cowboy boots AND nipple tassles. Hawt! And you're going to die, but there will be livestock at my wedding reception too! HAHAHA! We're dancing and drinking (bottle, not bottles...tsk) at a plantation that has Belted Galloways, which look like wooly oreo cookie cows. They're from Scotland...and are delicious. Anyway, it's still going to be fabulous, and all of my bridesmaids will ride the cows to make a grand entrance at the reception. We will give you the will match your boots. Hmph.

Dec 29, 2005

Note to Jemima: If, by chance, you don't want your future husband's brother to stand up and give not one but TWO DRUNKEN toasts at the reception the second of which involves many shout-outs to family members including one newly dead uncle and a not so tasteful joke about how your Aunt Paula is always grabbing you suggestively on the ass, DON'T INVITE HIM.

Not that I know anyone that this happened to or anything.

Otherwise my wedding was a blast! Congrats, Jemima!

Holly, are you dreading the flight back to Charleston as much as you dreaded the one to Singapore?

Dec 29, 2005

If she's all done with the Mail Order Groom catalog, can I have it?

And I hope she doesn't really go with nipple tassels. That's so last year.

Dec 29, 2005

Holly...never...and I mean NEVER say nipple tassles again! Eww!! Stop right now! It's almost as bad as PANTY! Eww!! Not just panties, that's sometimes agreeable, but panty in the singular form! Oh stop!

Also dear Samantha, when I get married, no children under the age of...well no children at all will be allowed at my wedding, so you can be my 27-year married flowergirl. Though it's not like I'm engaged...or will be in the very near future, so you may be a tad older than 27.

This is getting unnecessarily long and if I keep on writing there will be more grammar mistakes (ahem), so good job Jemima on scoring a man that Sean has modeled his glasses on. Because that's just impressive.

Dec 29, 2005

If there are, in fact, nipple tassels, I demand that you post pictures.

- M

Dec 29, 2005

Welcome to the club of being a bridesmaid. I am the president of said club, as I have been in not 1, not 2, not even 3 but 8 weddings! And this year I will be in 2 more. We have dues that you must pay, mostly it is around 150 dollars for the dress. I hope you have a great time being a bridesmaid newbie! We welcome you to the club with open arms.

Dec 30, 2005

Jemima, consider a parasol (the frilly, useless type) to go with the tassles and boots. Or, barring that, perhaps a very VERY large bow on the ass of the bridesmaid's dress. Or in their hair.

I think that about covers everything I was tortured with as a bridesmaid.

Gretchen C.
Dec 30, 2005

As usual, I hardly know where to begin. First, next time you come to California, you are totally coming to our house for drinks and hors d'oeuvres (did I spell that right? That word should be a sobriety test, and I am stone cold sober). Second, I told the story of the naked girl in your room within the past eight hours, namely to my daughter Erika, who awoke naked to find an unknown guy (not naked) in her room. A bit different, but also the same. Also, congratulations to Jemima. Is her name really Jemima? Dare I ask her race? Because that opens up a whole can of worms, right there.

Dec 30, 2005

Ooh! Pictures! Pictures! Let's see...we need pictures of the ring, and pictures of the wedding dress (unless, of course, if the guy from Turkmenistan reads your site, and then we can forego those), and pictures of the bridesmaids dresses. What? She only just got engaged and doesn't have all those details worked out? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? The little buzzer inside of me, which I have named Instant Gratification, does not care for that response. Please try again. :)

Dec 30, 2005

Cowboy boots and nipple tassles and bull taxi -- sweet. I thought having to suffer through Jackie O-style pearls and gloves and navy pumps with ivory piping and a matching HEADBAND was bad enough (especially since I had just hacked off all of my hair and it only looked cute and with copious amounts of product and bobbypins). Congrats on your bridesmaid status -- it can be lots of fun, especially for good friends.

Word of advice: don't be 30 minutes late to the ceremony because you changed your mind about your hair and got lost on the way up to Big Sur. Not that my sister did that to me or anything. (Read: yes she did, the rotten whore).

Dec 30, 2005

Congrats on being a bridesmaid! Jemima--be sure to provide some real Bridezilla moments so that Holly may have the full bridesmaid experience! Weeeee!!!

Dec 31, 2005

Congratulations to Jemima, and to you! You'll make a lovely bridesmaid, whatever Jemima decides to dress you in.

I want to see bachelorette party pics!

Jan 01, 2006

I have never been a bridesmaid. I have never been a maid of honor. I did once have the joy of pouring coffee at my cousin's wedding. Wow. I was all excited when she told me she wanted me to participate in her wedding and that's what she wanted.

When my sister got married, her best friend was her maid of honor. I got to be her personal attendant. Do you know what that really means? That I got to wait on her hand and foot while she plotted new ways to make me insane. Oh, and when my nephew was born, guess who got asked to be his godmother. That's right. Someone other than me. Not that I'm upset about that or anything.

Jan 05, 2006

I've never been a bridesmaid either. Come to think of it, I had 3 bridesmaids at my wedding, and don't talk to 2 of them anymore. And none of them are married anyway, even now, 4 years later.

Have fun!