Neither Of These Things Is Much Like The Other

So hey, do you remember about a year and a half ago when my mum was visiting me in San Francisco and she was out walking and some sleazy guy called to her as she was passing "have you been adorable all your life?", except she didn't hear him properly and thought he was insulting her and saying "have you been a doughboy all your life?" Do you remember that? Well, remember that you remember that, because it's going to come in handy in a minute.

So on Friday evening, I'm walking the three blocks from my house to the dry cleaner to pick up my dry cleaning---I mean, obviously I'm picking up my dry cleaning, I'm not even sure why I just clarified that; it's not like I was going to the dry cleaner to buy a gallon of milk---and I walked past this sleazy-looking guy. And you know what he says to me? No, go on, guess. You'll never guess what he says to me. He says "have you been adorable all your life?" So I'm like HANG ON A MINUTE, I HAVE HEARD THIS ONE BEFORE and I give him a really withering stare and keep walking. But the really hilarious thing is that I also thought, just for a second, that he said "have you been a doughboy all your life?" and I was all what the hell, dude, NO, I'm just carrying a little extra holiday weight, you wanna make something of it, I mean you're not exactly Fabio yourself.

So there are basically two things we can learn from this story, I think; first of all, that there's some guy in my neighborhood who only has one pick-up line and uses it all on the ladies---BUSTED, MISTER!---and second of all, that my mum and I both have really bad hearing.


In other news, I have been lusting after a new kitchen table for....well, a very long time, and top of my Christmas list this year was "money for a new kitchen table," which may sound kind of lame and boring, but hey, you've never tried to fit a kitchen table in a stocking or down a chimney, have you? Well, exactly, then you see why it had to be "money for a kitchen table" and not "a kitchen table itself." (Also, I think a kitchen table would be pretty hard to check on an international flight. You'd go over your weight allowance for sure.)

So after much soul-searching and even more Internet searching, I basically ended up deciding on the very table I'd wanted in the first place, which is CB2's yuppie knock-off of Eero Saarinen's Tulip table and we got it today and brought it home and it is THE BUSINESS. I'd link to a photo of it in my kitchen, rather than the rather soulless one on the CB2 website, but we don't actually have any chairs to go with it yet, and so it looks a little odd. (More mashed potatoes, darling? Oh darling, I couldn't possibly, I'm not sure how much longer I can stand here eating my dinner, my legs are killing me.) My plan, you see, is to really concentrate on what chairs I want to pair with this and maybe find some really super ones on ebay or Craigslist or at the Alameda Flea Market, rather than buying whatever shiny Ikea particleboard catches my eye and having to replace it all in six months. So until then, if you're coming for dinner, you might want to bring your own stool.

Anyway, in order to make room for the new table, we had to get rid of the old one---oh hi, did someone mention shiny Ikea particleboard?---and in order to do this, we turned to Craigslist, because that's basically the only way to get anything done in this town. So first of all, we put our table and four chairs on at $100, which, you know, we thought was pretty reasonable, but oh my god, that did not fly, that seriously did not fly at all. We got one response and it was from this really shady scammer who a) called himself Cole Colex (points for creativity, I guess?) and b) asked for my bank account number so he could wire me the money.

(Hey, do you hear that sound? That is me laughing my head off from all the way over here. HA HA HA HA HA.)

So then today, getting increasingly desperate to get our old kitchen table sold so we could move the new baby in, we wrote a whole new ad up on Craigslist and only asked for fifty bucks, and the replies! They came flooding in! We got EIGHT inquiries in a couple of hours, which was a whole eight inquiries more than I thought we'd get, and I don't know if this means that holy crap, we really are in a recession and a lot of people want a fifty-dollar kitchen table, or that maybe.....we just posted better pictures of it this time. I guess I did say something kind of witty in the title.

Either way, the totally random part---and the actual point of this story, although it's apparently taken me six paragraphs to get here---is that one of the inquiries was from a guy who, it turns out, WORKS AT SEAN'S OFFICE. Those are some pretty weird odds right there, in a city of seven and a half thousand people, don't you think? But he's coming to look at it tomorrow night, so fingers crossed he wants to take it. Nobody tell him about the time the cat threw up on it, okay?*


(He only pooped.)


So uh......the other thing I wanted to tell you, Internet, is that I have finally updated my playlist over on the right there! I suggest you listen to it right now to erase the thoughts of cat puke and poop that may be floating around your head. Seriously, I don't know why I even said that, I'm sorry.

Jan 12, 2009

Hahaha, this post was too funny. I was sitting in the office trying not to laugh-out-loud, because Husband is asleep and would want to know what in the heck I was laughing to myself over at 2 in the morning.

It's just me, his crazy little wife, laughing at teh blogz. :D

Jan 12, 2009

1. Suspended From Class is one of my all-time favorite songs, just as Camera Obscura is one of my all-time favorite bands. Love.

2. I recently went through the whole "kitchen table" buying thing so I know how stressful it can be. I found an amazing 50's table at a thrift store and these adorable matching chairs with a dutch pattern from Craigslist and they fit perfectly in my huge dining room...and then I promptly moved into a tiny one bedroom and it takes up about half my apartment. I'm keeping them though because owning a dining room set makes me feel like a grown up, even though I eat on the couch.

Jan 12, 2009

really? Fabio? your idea of a looker is Fabio?

Jan 12, 2009

It seems to me that if sleazy guy is going to stick with his one-line repertoire, he'd be better off picking a line he can actually pronounce. Although you'd think that after a while he'd start to wonder why he keeps getting pelted with Weight Watchers pamphlets and sugar-free non-fat soy milk lattes every time he says it...

Jan 12, 2009

I love that you're carrying on the torch of "the business." Too cute. And wow, a fabio reference.

Jan 12, 2009

I'm famous for mishearing things in hilarious ways. Recently, I passed a man I think I had seen once or twice around and he said looked at me and said, "What's UP, n***er!!"

I gave him a really dirty look and kept walking. A block later wondering why he would say that to me, I realized he hadn't. He said, "What's UP, neighbor!"


Jan 12, 2009

Oooooh! Love the new table! (In fact, I love the old table, but it'd be a bit tricky to get from there to here.)

What about those buckety-egg chairs, very mod-ish and cool? In a really snazzy color, like orange? (Does orange go with turquoise? I don't know, maybe?)


Jan 12, 2009

at least if he's going to only use ONE pick-up line...he could maybe come up with something, a little, um, GOOD?!?!

Jan 12, 2009

Did the population of San Francisco shrink? Sorry, couldn't resist. I know what you meant.

Either that guy is drunk and slurring or you're right, it's bad hearing. Hee.

Sheryl Tuttle
Jan 12, 2009

Hilarious post - truly enjoyed reading. Thanks. Good luck selling your old table.

Jan 12, 2009

HAHA at Susie's comment. Wouldn't that be fortunate if he wanted the table and you didn't have to deal with a Craigslist freak in your home?

Jan 12, 2009

This is odd - you are living my parallel life, up in SF. I too, just upgraded my dining room table last week, and I, too, have been trying to sell the first one on Craig's List. Also, for $100. I posted the ad last Sunday, and it immediately fell into a sea of similar postings. I figured I'd be happy to get one bite. I actually got two - one from a missionary who didn't want to give me money, only a tax deduction for it; and one from a woman who offered me $75 (which I agreed to) and then completely flaked. I guess I should re-post and lower the price, but I'm dreading dealing with the inquiries.

Unlike you, I did not carefully shop around for chairs, and did end up purchasing the first pretty things I found at Ikea. They're ok, and I'm glad to be done with things, but I do wish I wasn't so impulsive and had shopped around a bit. The chairs weren't so expensive as to put me in the poorhouse, but I'm too frugal to let myself upgrade before they fall apart. Which, considering I put them together, may be fairly soon.

Operation Pink Herring
Jan 12, 2009

With that adorable cake holder on the table it looks so refined! If I had space for a kitchen table and lived in San Francisco, I'd totally buy it right out from under Marc's nose.

I've put stuff I thought was total junk on CL only to have bidding wars erupt between people desperate to have my discontinued, purchased-at-a-yardsale, thirdhand Ikea cabinet thing (which my cat DEFINITELY threw up on, and that was noted in the listing). I think I had over twenty people trying to take that thing off my hands, and when I couldn't leave work immediately to come home and execute the deal one dude swore at me (over email) and another offered to double the price if I'd sell it to him and re-neg on the person I'd already promised it to! I love craigslist so very, very much.

Jan 12, 2009

LMAO - I was perusing Craigslist this weekend for an end table and happened across your ad. Of course, at the time I didn't know it was your ad. I'll admit, the title totally made me take a look even though I'm not remotely in the need of a kitchen table. Good thinking! BTW - no luck on the end table, but I did get a great clothes dryer for $100!

Jan 12, 2009

You've inspired me to try and sell a desk on Craigslist. Crossing my fingers!

Jan 12, 2009

I have the STEFAN chairs at my kitchen table. Mine are red.

Also, I miss SF Craigslist. Chicago tries to be as awesome, but it just isn't the same. The original is best.

Jan 12, 2009

Third thing we learned: You're both really adorable!! ;)

Jan 12, 2009

I'm a huge Ikea fan, but I'm also a Room & Board fan. Have you looked there for chairs? The Jake chair could be interesting:

And it's not too horrendously spendy. You have a Room & Board in San Fran, which is lucky because my closest location is 3 hours away!

I'm also secretly glad you went with the CB2 table- my husband and I had the cheap Ikea knock-off and it wobbled and scratched like no one's business. We decided to replace it and my first instinct was to get the CB2 table, but we ended up with a white table from West Elm instead. And I have to tell you, I've never dealt with worse customer service (no one could give me a delivery date, took four months to get the dang thing, charges on my credit card from west elm that no one could explain, table left in the snow on my front lawn even though I paid for white glove delivery, etc), and then to top it off the table scratches even worse than our cheap Ikea one did. Bah.

Jan 12, 2009

I think it is quite possible that your hearing and your mum's hear are quite fine. It's infinitely more possible that this guy mumbles!

Jan 12, 2009

Good luck selling the table. I laughed out loud (and cried a little inside) when I clicked on your ad because we left the EXACT same table and chairs in our apartment when we left Chicago. We even painted them black. (My brother is now the proud owner.) I miss my IKEA furniture.

Jan 12, 2009

Uh, I think Marc read the thing about the cat poop. He backed out of coming to see the table tonight. I WAS JOKING, MARC!

Jan 12, 2009

Delurking to say that this post made me laugh so hard I think I woke up my daughter. And then I went to find the name of these chairs I saw in a magazine today to pass it along to you but they were stupid expensive online (misquoted in the magazine) so I'm going to forget about them now.

Camera Obscura is one of my all-time favourite groups.

Anne in SC
Jan 13, 2009

Loved the ad you placed. Hope Marc wants the table and chairs.

Jan 15, 2009

fabio is my idea of a looker.