It Was Never Red, It Was Crimson Glow

Dear Hair,

What the hell is this? Seriously, for reals, what's going on? What's with the flatness? What's with the triangle shape? Are you repaying me for some indiscretion I've committed over the years? Is this because I cut those super short bangs with the kitchen scissors in 1985 and my mother was mortified because I had to have my picture taken with Santa the next day and I looked like I'd undergone a frontal lobotomy at age 5? Is it because of the Famous Sun-In Incident of 1994? Is it for even briefly thinking in 1998 that it might be kind of cool to have dreads? Because I was never going to go through with that, I swear! It was just a phase!

I know we've had sort of a troubled relationship, Hair, and the blonde period I went through for the first year and a half of college was probably a mistake. Our good friend Skin Tone clued us into that around 2001, didn't he? And you're right, I definitely shouldn't have got highlights at that place in London just because they handed me a coupon outside the supermarket when I was walking back to my dorm. But it was a coupon! And I was broke! And I thought it was sort of cool and interesting and wacky that the stylist---which is a term I think we should use rather loosely, as I'm fairly sure this was her first time as one---spoke fractured English and used to work in Dunkin Donuts and had an increasingly panicked look on her face as it got darker and darker outside and eventually it was 8 o'clock and the salon was supposed to have closed two hours ago, and I'd been there for four, and she STILL hadn't finished. It was sort of crazy and bohemian, I thought! Didn't you? You really didn't? Well, whatever, it was cheap. I HAD A COUPON.

See, I know I've made a few mistakes over the years, Hair, but I've mostly treated you right, haven't I? I've started going to hairdressers with, you know, actual qualifications, and we've found a style I think we can both pretty much agree on---even though I like to think of it as Parisian Chic and you're sort of adamant that occasionally it should be Kelly Osbourne Meets Closeted Lesbian Cruise Ship Director. And think of all the lovely colors you've been! I saved you from a life of mousiness! You know I only chose most of the hues because I liked the way they sounded, and I thought you would too. Didn't you like Rich Mahogany? Didn't you love Cinnamaniac? Weren't you totally into Espresso? And Bittersweet Chocolate? You loved Bittersweet Chocolate! I know you did! You were so shiny when you were Bittersweet Chocolate! Oh, don't be modest, yes you were! You were!

Listen, Hair, I've been good to you. I've bought you special brushes and expensive products, and god knows what (ahem) lengths we've gone to in order to give you some body. I've done elbow-length, boob-length, shoulder-length, and chin-length! I've layered! I've razored your ends! I've done piecey and flippy and cute and darling, and THIS is how you repay me? You should be glad I never permed you, Hair! Or teased you! Or used hair gel on you! Or did the Ashlee Simpson mullet! You should be glad the worst thing you've ever seen is a straightening iron! You've had a fairly good run of things so far, Hair, and this just isn't good enough.

Hey Butt, what the hell are you laughing at? I'm trying to have a serious talk with Hair. God, Butt, sometimes your sense of humor is just so .... lavatorial. And by the way, I wouldn't be giggling if I were you. I haven't exactly been pleased with your appearance lately either. In fact, don't get too comfy there, mister, I'm writing you a strongly-worded letter next.

On your best behavior, everyone, please! We have holiday parties to go to soon, and I'm expecting a lot from you.


Dec 07, 2005

i like the bit about the butt. my butt needs a good talking-to also. perhaps once your next letter is written, i'll cc it to my own arse.

Dec 07, 2005

I have discovered that my hair looks the best on the days I don't shower. Which also tend to be the days that I don't leave the house or see any people over the age of five. Or wear anything clean. But at least I have good hair!

Dec 07, 2005

Pregnancy has done wonders for the hair, but not so much for the ass. I've told my doctor I want an ultra sound on my ass because I am fairly sure there is a second baby hiding in there. She has refused. Bitch.

Dec 07, 2005

I know I mentioned this in my last comment but you TOTALLY crack me up.

Queen of Ass
Dec 07, 2005

Let me know how those letters work for you...I may need to try a few of my own.

Dec 08, 2005

You're too kind. Stand in the bathroom with electric clippers poised at your temple, and tell her to shape up or else! That should show you mean business.

Dec 08, 2005

Dude, my hair is still not over that Sun In incident of '95. Before that, we had worked as a team! So SENSITIVE, my hair. Grudge-carrying bitch!

Kisses to you in your pretty city, Miss Holly. If you get a sec, could you write a quick note to my boobs?

Dec 08, 2005

I have the Ashlee Simpson mullet...but...I didn't really think it was mullet-ish until now...Oh the disappointment

Dec 08, 2005

My hair and I are finally at peace, nearly 8 years after the I-dyed-it-too-black-now-must-bleach-it-back-to-normal-at-home-because-I'm-too
ORANGE-and-must-dye-again-to-resume-semi-normal-color episode I had in college.

For about 4 years after that, I had hair the exact texture of STRAW. I believe I was also without any kind of male companionship for those 4 years. I wonder if they have anything to do with each other...

Dec 08, 2005

Great Letter! My complaint is FRIZZINESS! I don't dye, perm, or even blow dry, but still, I walk around like a Raggedy Ann doll that has never met a brush. I need to have "the talk" with my butt, too! Let us know how these "Letters of Intervention" work out for you!

Dec 08, 2005

Like Nancy said, thick shiny pregnancy hair could only compensate so much for the unborn twin lodged in my ass.

Moving to Colorado did wonderful things for my hair. I don't think I can ever return to a humid environment; I would lapse into deep depression (as would my hair).

Dec 08, 2005

Give the Ass an inch and suddenly it's all pushing boundaries and sass talk.

As for my hair? It misbehaved for the last time after a torturous turn with the hairdryer yesterday. So I had it chopped by George. You bet the curls are behaving today...

Good luck!

Dec 08, 2005

I can completely relate as I don't just suffer from Bad Hair Days. I have a Bad Hair Life. And I have a Big Bad Ass. Sigh. Let me know if your hair writes back.

Dec 09, 2005

I had a talk with my hair which turned into a full blown fight. I lost, as my hair decided to go frizzy on a very important day. I might have yelled at my hair, "Oh no you didn't!"

Dec 09, 2005

Are you just fishing for compliments or what? If I get one more wailing "I look like a French lesbian!" text message, I'm going to come over there and shave you a mullet. That'll learn you.

Dec 09, 2005

Hot damn, that was funny. I didn't see the bit about the ass coming.

Dec 09, 2005

Huh. I never thought of telling my ass to obey. Usually, it's the one talking to me (rudely, I might add.)

Dec 10, 2005

So...are you going to post the Ass Letter?
As far as hair, I have a tiny bottle of shampoo from a hotel that makes my hair fabulously attractive whenever I use it. But it is almost gone. And it is the hotel's brand, a hotel I will never, ever be able to afford to stay in again. I am hoping that by the time the shampoo runs out it will have given my hair the confidence it needs to perform on its own, like Dumbo's Magic Feather.

Dec 11, 2005

Alexa, couldn't you just hang out in the hallway of that hotel until the cleaning crew comes by, then steal the shampoo bottles from their cart? An easy solution (not that I've ever done anything like that).

Dec 11, 2005

I just read the title of this post again and am I correct when I say it is a throw back to My So Called Life? (or better known as the show that never should have been canceled)

Nothing But Bonfires
Dec 11, 2005

Yes! I was wondering if anyone would catch the My So Called Life reference! When I was 15, I actually thought I WAS Angela Chase. And I dyed my hair as close as it would get to Crimson Glow.

Dec 12, 2005

I had dreams that my own Jordan Catalano would meet me in the boiler room. It never happened... bastard!

Dec 12, 2005

You are very funny. You are! I'm not being sarcastic! But here's your problem: you are very gorgeous: we know this, we have seen your photo. So you are not getting much sympathy from us, especially those of us whose hair is so uncooperative that we have had to cut it short, like Jake-Gyllenhal-in-Jarhead short, and dye it to remove that silly grey which has no business being there, we're not even forty, WHERE does it get off?