It's a Bedside Manner Of Sorts, I Guess

So have you been wondering what's become of my ear? You know, the one that just fell apart in my hand and made for some pretty gross and yet fascinating photography? So funny you should ask! Because today I had it sewn up and it was SUCH a blast. Anyone need any Percocet by the way? Because I have a prescription for 50.

Also, here is a suggestion. If you ever find yourself with a medical degree that allows you to wear green scrubs and sew up the ear of a nervous patient---one who you've already teased for being super nervous, remember---here is something NOT to say to her while she's lying on your operating table and you are holding very sharp instruments next to very important nerves and veins:

"Today's Friday, right? God, I'm, like, so out of it today."

Dec 02, 2005

This would have made me very uneasy. Was there, by any chance, a small clear glass off to the side of the surgical table? Something that would hold about 2 to 4 ounces? And was it filled with either a clear or brown-ish liquid?

If so, perhaps you should have shot it.

Dec 02, 2005

My sister-in-law was minding her own business one evening when a friend called to say 'OH MY GOD TURN THE NEWS ON RIGHT NOW!' It seems that the plastic surgeon who had done my sister-in-law's boob job (which was magnificent, by the way) had been arrested for abusing prescription drugs. While operating.

Whoo, we all laughed about that one. Okay, not so much my sister-in-law, but she's got the fabulous boobs, so it's all good.

Dec 03, 2005

Look on the bright side, at least he knew what day it was.

bad andy
Dec 03, 2005

yikes... One time when I went to go get my hair cut.. The lady sat me down, threw my hair around a bit, and then was silent. The next words that came out of her mouth were, "I get so dizzy looking at heads all day." If I remember correctly.. in the end it turned out okay... except that she forgot to trim one of my sideburns.

Dec 03, 2005

I am in fact one of those people who wears the scrubs and wields the (insert scary sharp medical object of choice here). And let me tell you, the first thing I learned was not to say, "Oops!" while wielding. Patients do not like to hear, "Oops!" when I am bending over their lacerations, suture material in hand, and you know, I see their point. This was brought home to me years ago, during one of my first forays into suturing, when I dropped the needle on the floor and said, yes, "Ooops!" The patient bolted upright (I was sewing her well-anesthetized foot) and glared at me accusingly. "What's 'Oops!?'" she demanded. "Don't say that!"

After ten years I have learned to glue a beatific smile to my face and murmur soothingly, "Oh yes, I'm sure we can fix this right up," even when confronted with the strangest-looking patients/lacerations/embedded objects. Even when what I'm thinking is, "What the fuck am I going to do with THIS?"

Now that I think about it, this may not be the most helpful comment. Oops!

Dec 03, 2005

I had surgery once where I was awake the whole time and they piped G. Gordon Liddy's radio show into the operating room. I don't know which disturbed me more, the operation or the radio show.

Gretchen C.
Dec 03, 2005

Dibs on the Percocet.

Come to think of it, save it for a rainy day. That's what I always do after I have a baby: accept as many controlled substances as they're willing to hand out, then stash them away for a time when I might need them for some better reason than a sore see-you-next-Tuesday.

Dec 03, 2005

Medical people must be like the UAW folks in the 70s. You didn't want to buy an American car built on a Monday or a Friday.

Dec 03, 2005

Glad to hear you and Van Gogh don't have more in common.

Dec 03, 2005

Did it rip because the lobe was pierced and you wore too many heavy dangly neon-colored plastic earrings back in the 1980s? Not that I know anyone who did that or anything. Certainly not me.

I'll take Percocet over Vicodin any day. Vicodin seriously upset my tummy.

Dec 03, 2005

There were and probably still are a number of women in Baltlmore and I'm sure other places who have the same ear thing only uncorrected. They even have a name for it "Ear T#####s" (rhymes with "kitties"). The usual cause was an ex-boyfriend getting his gold back. It wasn't because the earrings were too heavy. Those guys were cheap and the ear bobs may have been big but there wasn't much gold.
I quite enjoy your blog and no, your nose does not look like it's sliding off your face.

Dec 04, 2005

That is horrible, and yet so funny at the same time.

Dec 05, 2005

Oh I'm so creeped out because I just went on your blog to tell you something about my ear in response to your very previous ear story, which is that I have a weirdo hard ball in my ear that hurts and when i tried to move it a piece of skin ripped off and I was just thinking that maybe it's because of your ear and then I saw you had your operation so that's even weirder if you think about it!! Now I have a very red ear that's missing some skin and only you to thank!!

Dec 05, 2005

So glad to hear you were able to get your ear fixed. I would be a bit ticked if I had a surgeon say that to me right before cutting! Sheesh - so much for a good bedside manner.

Dec 05, 2005

Did you tenderly murmur anything about his having medical malpractice insurance in response? Nothing like a little law joke to lighten the mood! Glad to hear your ear is reattached AND you're seriously stocked up on the good stuff.

When I was 16, I slammed my nose on a jungle gym while playing roller hockey late one night on a deserted playground (apparently, showing off my skillz in front of an ex-boyfriend wasn't such a great plan). The next morning, I had two gorgeous black eyes and headed to the emergency room. The young intern took on look at me and tapped (hard! unnecessarily hard!) on my nose. "That hurt?" Um, yes. "Yeah, she's broken. You'll keep those shiners for a couple weeks after we pop that back into place. And you've got to wear a brace for ten days. Allergic to anything? No? Let's get this show on the road, baby!" Asshole.