Baby Got Back Pain

So if you'd needed a kidney yesterday, I would totally have given you one. Not because we're super best friends or anything (although we are! right?) but because yesterday I was at the point where I would gladly have CARVED OUT MY RIGHT ONE WITH THE PLASTIC SPOON I ATE MY OATMEAL WITH, just to get it out of my body. It was hurting, you see. Well, something was hurting---I sort of assumed it was one of my kidneys, because there are no other major organs lurking in that area (are there? Doctors and nurses, please email me if there are. Also, biology teachers.) I suppose it could have just been random lower back pain, but by yesterday afternoon I was CERTAIN I had kidney cancer---and let me tell you, was NOT doing very much to convince me otherwise. Kidneys are funny though---do you know you can actually FEEL them if you try hard enough? They feel like larger versions of kidney beans and smaller versions of....uh....kidney-shaped swimming pools. Can you say that about your pancreas? I DON'T THINK SO.

Here are some things that didn't make the pain better: Lying on the sofa swaddled in blankets, watching a solid evening of bizarre British home improvement shows on BBC America, Lortab, wine, crying, drinking lots of water, working out, crumpets, shoe shopping, a hot water bottle, ice, eggplant parmesan, and trying to ignore the pain.

Here's what did: Sleep.

(Well, I THINK it was sleep. Providing Sean didn't carve out my kidney in the middle of the night FOR me, and then dispose of the evidence, then I guess it was sleep. Possibly sleep and valium, we'll never know.) As you can see from the list above, I did exhaust every possible option for self-medication, although I certainly think the problem could have been remedied much earlier if I've tried the best cure I know, which is a trip to the Ikea five hours away---trust me, once you've had little success with comfort food, sofa time, and mild prescription drugs, it's ALL that'll work.

Wait, you mean you didn't know Ikea has magical restorative properties? Because it does---in all but the most extreme cases. You know that quote "When a man is tired of London, he's tired of life"? I think it should actually be "When a man is tired of Ikea, he's tired of life." (Though I suppose for an actual MAN man, it would probably be more along the lines of "when a man is tired of Home Depot, he's tired of life," unless he was a man who had an abnormal interest in shopping for soft furnishings and tea lights, in which case INTRODUCE HIM TO ME.) Anyway, my point is that you really, really, really know you're sick if a trip to Ikea doesn't cheer you up. In fact, one of the saddest moments of my adult life was when I had a raging, crippling, head-twisting toothache a few years ago and my mother took me to Ikea because she knew it would make me feel better to browse through the Klunsa clocks and the Lillholmen wall lamps, AND THEN IT DIDN'T. So she took me to the dentist. And that did---but only because they pulled the tooth out. Possibly even with a plastic spoon for all I remember; I was so looped on nitrous oxide. And probably also in a food coma following the consumption of too many Swedish meatballs.

So anyway, all this to say hello! I'm fine! My kidneys are fine! And all three of us wish you a happy Thanksgiving tomorrow! And now I am going to get my (wispy) hair cut, which YOU KNOW means I'll spend the evening crying. And then I won't post for five days, because I'll have to make the road trip to Ikea to deal with it.

Nov 23, 2005

I'm glad you're feeling better, and I'm sure your haircut will be fabulous and not at all wispy. :)

Have a lovely Thanksgiving!

(also, hello! delurking and all that!)

Gretchen C.
Nov 23, 2005

Feh! The problem with being gorgeous, my friend, is not only do all sorts of men follow you about and stare at you with their mouths hanging open, is that no one feels your pain when you complain about your haircut. "She could put on sackcloth and ashes and still win Squash Blossom Queen," we might think. Or "Ha, you bitch, maybe a bad haircut would put you more on a level with the rest of us." We would think that. But we would not say it. Ooops, I just did. My bad.

I'm sorry about your alleged kidney. Do you think maybe sciatica? I only get that when pregnant, and then only when pregnant with my daughter Julia, but it made me wish I had Lortab. Or Percocet, which they won't give you until AFTER you've had the baby. But it involves serious pain in the low back, and half-days off from work spent flat on your back with a heating pad and a few guzzles of Robitussin because THAT'S THE ONLY DRUG THEY LET YOU HAVE WHEN PREGNANT. Just an idea.

And happy Thanksgiving. Do Brits celebrate Thanksgiving? Seeing as it's Americans' way of celebrating getting free of y'all.

Nov 24, 2005

NBB, Ikea is what I have been missing all my life. They just built one in Dallas! Except, not really, it's really an hour north of me. And I haven't seemed to make it there yet. Which is really pathetic given your five hour roadtrips. And now I feel guilty, and must go ASAP, which really is Black Friday, with the other ONE MILLION IKEA CUSTOMERS. Thanks a lot.

I have this little ball in my low back, really close to my spine. I noticed it about four years ago, and it was the size of a marble and I could put my fingers on it and just roll it around and around under my skin. At the time I was convinced it was a cancerous tumor, because what other kind of tumor is there? And how much of a let-down would that be if I just had a tumor and it wasn't cancerous? I had forgotten about it until I just read this post, and while I was typing I reached behind me to feel it, and have now discovered that IT HAS GROWN IN THE LAST FOUR YEARS.

Now I am certain that I have a tumor. A cancerous one. Tommy, the Cancerous Tumor. And certainly I'll die when Tommy attaches itself (himself?) to my spine and chokes the very life out of me, and you'll know that you played a part in the discovery of my sudden death because you reminded me of my tumor. So when you receive an email stating that I am dead, please reply, "It was death by tumor. Check the golf ball in her back. Only Tommy can be responsible for this."

And please, no word about fatty tissue. Tommy is insulted by such an accusation.

Nov 24, 2005

Yup, sounds like your kidneys--except if one of them hurts that bad, it usually means you have an infection therein, which wants you to give it antibiotics to make it go away. So if this went away all by itself, that's a good sign.

Or maybe your kidney was just sulking because you wouldn't take it to Ikea.

Oh, and um, Jes? Could Tommy the Cancerous Tumor maybe be Celia the Cyst? You know, in drag?

Nov 24, 2005

I vote cyst. I had a lot of those, before I finally had my cyst-factories removed. (I guess I shouldn't speak ill of my ovaries. They did assist in producing 2 relatively entertaining children, inbetween all of those exploding cysts.)

Do not cry over your hair. Hair grows. Remember how I was practically BALD a month ago? I lived, and damn does my hair look good now.

Also I think I need to shut up now. Hey, happy Thanksgiving. ;)

Nov 24, 2005

You had me at Lortab and shoe shopping. Could you move to Oklahoma and play with me? Please?

And if I weren't already about to EXPLODE from In-Law Thanksgiving: Part the First (one down, two to go!), I would totally be jonesin' for some Ikea meatballs right now.

Nov 24, 2005

I got this referral from captainhambone so I guess I'm building a non-practice.

My vote - kidney stone. A very small stone and it passed or rather dropped into the bladder. A stone the size of a grain of rice is huge and one the size of a fine grain of sand can bring you to your knees. If it occurs again, push cranberry juice and see if it passes. If it worsens to the point of knee bruising, then seek medical treatment. You will know when, trust me I stayed in a Holliday Inn Express just last week.

BTW, while here I looked over your history and judging from your profile picture, your nose is fine and no further consultation is required.

Nov 24, 2005

A cyst? But aren't those gross and puss-y? Because mine isn't. Though it might be in drag.

Nov 25, 2005

I wonder where the people in Sweden go when they have kidney problems? Because going to Ikea would really be no big deal for them. Perhaps they'd go to Walmart or something, like Ikea to them is Walmart to you. Or perhaps they go to the normal people do...

And also sorry I didn't reply to your earlier text, but I must say I weep with sadness at the breaking up of Nick and Jessica! But really only because you and sean were the microcosm of them! And also, if you are the microcosm of Jessica, am I the microcosm of Ashlee? I have blonde hair, I can't sing, oh no, it's getting eery!

Nov 25, 2005

I am going to IKEA tomorrow!

The classy woman in me appreciates the Ikea swedish meatballs for the culinary delight that they are, but the home grown redneck side of me really REALLY likes the rotating $1.25 hot dogs.

Not that I would eat THREE of them or anything. And definitely not in one sitting! Heavens no, not ME!

Hey, P.S., thanks for the link over there. I'm working on putting my little linky list together, in which you will have special placement, of course!

Nov 28, 2005

Does everyone cry after a haircut? It's not just me?

If it goes well, please post pictures.

I wonder if your back pain might be from sitting in a bad chair while working at the computer...

Nov 29, 2005

I have to say it. I have to or I will burst. You passed a kidney stone. Unless you are still in some amount of pain, and then you would have a Urinary Tract Infection. And I'm totally not a doctor or anything, even though I was in med school at some point, but I know about this one thing. While pregnant, I passed 12 kidney stones. The pain in which you so accurately describe is not such a distant memory for me. We (meaning the doctors) induced labor because maybe that was the cause of all of these stones (the baby?), but no. After his birth, I stopped couting because I was passing enough to fill a gravel driveway. What seemed like 247 thousand trips to the ER later, I had to have surgery. And having post partum surgery (which sorry for the TMI, but here goes) near the girly parts hurts worse than actually having The Child. The painkillers and extra morpine in my I.V. helped greatly though. So far, so good. Haven't passed anymore since, but I am scared. I stay as far away from TUMS as I can, and everything else on the Do Not Eat List (which included Ocra and Peanuts, of all things). But enough about me, YOU passed a kidney stone and GOD BLESS you because I would hae been in the ER so fast, if only for the relief of the Morphine/Toradol combo they give you to help things. Congrats! Now what are you going to name him/her?

Nov 29, 2005

Speaking of "Friends": KIDNEY STONE!