How To Be a San Franciscan On a Sunday Morning: The Play Along At Home Edition

  • Give yourself one point for going to the Farmer's Market. (1)
  • Give yourself another point for walking to the Farmer's Market. (2)
  • Give yourself one point for bringing along your canvas tote with "Plastic Ain't My Bag" hand-painted on the side. (3)
  • Give yourself an extra point for each remaining canvas tote you could have brought instead. If one of those canvas totes is the granddaddy of canvas totes---you know, the green Whole Foods one you get free when you spend enough money at Whole Foods---then what the hell, go ahead and give yourself an extra point just for that. (6)
  • Give yourself a point for wearing a hoodie (7).
  • Deduct a point if, at any time, you catch yourself thinking "whoa, I'm wearing a hoodie in August." Sorry, kid, but them's the breaks. A real San Franciscan would be used to this by now. (6)
  • Give yourself a point for wearing jeans so old that there's a rip in the left thigh, and every time you wear them you say "god, I can't believe I'm wearing these out in public," and yet you continue to wear them out in public, because wow, these jeans, they might be baggy and unflattering, but man, are they soft as butter. (7)
  • Wearing flipflops? Excellent. Give yourself another point for that too. (8)
  • Give yourself a point for walking through the Tenderloin (9), and then add an extra point for any of the following situations you manage to pass on your way: a man urinating publicly against a wall (10); a pimp yelling at a prostitute (11); a vociferous fight between a man and a woman that seems to stem from the fact that the latter is convinced that the former has slept with her friend Amy, perhaps several times (12); slightly shifty-looking people selling things like used picture frames and copies of the Bible on the sidewalk (15); people asleep on the street (19); a wild-eyed bearded man who looks you up and down, points at your ankles, and says "hey, where are your feet?" (20)
  • Give yourself a point if, before hitting the Farmer's Market, you need to return some library books. (21)
  • Give yourself another point if you also need to pick up some library books, ones you reserved on the library's special reservations system, you clever, money-saving, community-loving library-user, you! (22)
  • Lose a point for every book you're only checking out from the library because it's the sort of mindless, pastel-colored fluff you'd be too embarrassed (and cheap) to actually buy, even though you don't mind waiting two months on an enormous library-sanctioned waiting list for the privilege of being next in line to drop your spaghetti all over the pages while reading it. (20)
  • Give yourself a point for every homeless person you see asleep in the library. (25)
  • Crossing the street between the library and the Farmer's Market, give yourself a point for every one of those fake cable cars on wheels that cuts you off, camera-wielding tourists hanging out of its windows. (27)
  • Buying organic? Give yourself five points. (27)
  • Uh, wait, you're not buying organic? And you call yourself a San Franciscan? Fine then, Judas. Lose five points. (22)
  • Add a point for every busker you see at the Farmer's Market (23), and then another for every curly-haired, scarf-wearing woman who leans in to duet with him on that song that goes "Come on people now/ smile on your brother / everybody get together, try to love one another." (25) (Yes, really! Two curly-haired, scarf-wearing women who like to duet with random buskers! What are the odds?)
  • Give yourself a point for everyone you see (and smell) at the Farmer's Market slyly smoking a doobie. (27)
  • On the way home, give yourself a point for every hill you climb up without panting. Can you still talk on your cell phone without sounding like you're running a phone sex hotline? Then you're good. (30)
  • Add up all your points and realize you're a walking cliche. And also that you forgot to buy that wild arugula you needed. Again.
1
Camels & Chocolate
Aug 03, 2008

Do you know I STILL haven't been to the Farmer's Market? Was going to go with Jeanie and Kari yesterday, but didn't have the time. I'm surprised you made it through the masses on the Embarcadero who were in town for the marathon--I wouldn't have wanted to brave that crowd of 20,000+!

2
Nothing But Bonfires
Aug 03, 2008

I didn't go to the Ferry Building Farmer's Market -- I went to the one at Civic Center (Sundays and Wednesdays). Much cheaper and way less touristy!

3
Eileen Dover
Aug 03, 2008

I don't know, I'm kind of exhausted and sound all phone sex pant-ey (not panty, that's a whole other gross phone sex word) just from reading the quiz.

I think you deserve a few bonus points for not collapsing into a heap with a block of chocolate and watching a movie.

4
abbiebabble
Aug 03, 2008

Damn! Don't you hate it when you forget the wild arugula?

5
Elizabeth
Aug 03, 2008

Woah. If you replace every mention of "Farmer's Market" with Thai Brunch, that was my day, pretty much exactly. Apparently I am also a walking cliche. Woo hoo!

6
Abigail M Schilling
Aug 03, 2008

I should move to San Francisco. I've out-cliched LA but your farmer's market has more doobies.

I'm coming back up there in a few weeks and I was all, "this time I am going to the Alameda! I am going to find an old timey fan!" But alas, I will be there the wrong weekend. Sigh.

7
Rachael W
Aug 03, 2008

Wow, I got the four points for walking to the farmer's market this morning in flip-flops, and I don't even live in San Francisco! No points for hoodies or jeans, though, because it's about 100 degrees in L.A.

8
Moose
Aug 03, 2008

Damn it. I forgot my greens too. I was too dazzled by the peaches and plums and olives.

9
kat
Aug 03, 2008

wow. i'd give you double points for walking through the tenderloin. and then back through to nob hill. or as my ridiculous friend calls it, the tendernob.

10
ElizabethSheryl
Aug 03, 2008

hoodies AND flip flops? My goodness, that sounds GLORIOUS. haha.

I live right outside of ashland oregon, which is about 5 hours north of SF, and pretty much is that exact same scenario, with less pimps.

11
jennieB!
Aug 03, 2008

you should have a rating in there if you got all you needed and still only spent $40 or under. (minding that you've only just bought vegetables... (!))

oh - and the free gym that is living in Nob Hill is just the best! Try your 'phone sex' test on the lyon street steps... that's a TRUE workout!

12
Nothing But Bonfires
Aug 03, 2008

Only spent $5! But only got tomatoes, apples, and cucumber. We usually average about $10-$12 for all our fruit and veggies, plus eggs. Such a bargain!

13
Emma
Aug 03, 2008

You forgot to add the 5 points for buying organic. Tut tut! We're talking organic here, Holly!

14
Raven
Aug 04, 2008

Is it sad that I want to be this cliche? I am so in love with SF, it's not even funny.

15
Mandee
Aug 04, 2008

vs. Living in Suburban Atlanta where it is impossible to walk to the Farmer's Market because there is no sidewalk. You pass two side of the road, spontaneously erected BBQ joints (consisting of a huge smoker and BBQ being sold out of the back of a pick up) on the way to the Farmer's Market--a trip that is about 1/2 a mile. The thought of wearing jeans or a hoodie makes you melt. And, when you pull out your reusable grocery bag, people look at you as if you just pulled a hairless cat out of your purse. And then want to know if you sewed it yourself. And then lose all faith in humanity when you tell them you ordered it online.

16
jules
Aug 04, 2008

What's a busker?

17
kimblahg
Aug 04, 2008

ditto jules- i don't know what a busker is either.

18
NothingButBonfires
Aug 04, 2008

A busker is someone who sings or performs on the street for money. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Busking

19
May
Aug 04, 2008

haha

For a moment I thought you were using a different points system and I was very intrigued!

I love this city. It's so amazing.

20
slynnro
Aug 04, 2008

I SO need to copy this idea for Dallas. But then I'd have to deal with the fact that I am a damn Dallas person.

21
Beyond the Pale
Aug 04, 2008

You should totally submit this entry to the "Stuff White People Like" blog. If only you had mentioned an Apple, Inc. product and the Arcade Fire, it'd be perfect!

22
Skinny Monkey
Aug 04, 2008

Aww... I think you shorted yourself 5 points!

And wow, what an adventure!

Crossing the street between the library and the Farmer's Market, give yourself a point for every one of those fake cable cars on wheels that cuts you off, camera-wielding tourists hanging out of its windows. (27)
Buying organic? Give yourself five points. (27)

23
NothingButBonfires
Aug 04, 2008

Yeah, but I DIDN'T buy organic, which is why I didn't get the 5 points! (See the next bullet.)

24
mary
Aug 04, 2008

I loved this post! I'd make one about Phoenicians but it would be all about the weather.

God, it's hot.
Do you know what the temp is today?
I can't believe how HOT it is.
I can not WAIT for summer to be over.

For being over 100 all these months of every single year, we like to talk about the weather a LOT.

I had to read this part again: "hey, where are your feet?" haha! Awesome.

25
Christy
Aug 04, 2008

I went there last Sunday!! We were visiting my parents in Tiburon, and oh... It was delightful. Loved the free samples. Free fruit! And cheese! And pesto on flatbread! I bought a cinnamon pastry that I have since had dreams about.

I also wanted to let you know that I read your post with recommendations on where to visit in San Francisco... We had dinner at Trattoria Contadina. It was very nice. The concierge at our hotel was impressed that we had chosen such a cool restaurant. :) We had the best table in the house, I think (in the front corner), and my husband was tickled by the lineoleum--identical to that of his parents' 80-year old home in Rhode Island.

And, oh, I loved the last line from that post: "If it's not your first time, well, then, congratulations on not picking up and moving here yet." We actually honeymooned in San Francisco 4 years ago, and maybe I was too overwhelmed by the post-traumatic stress of the wedding and didn't truly "get" northern California. This time, when we returned back to Dallas from our visit, I told my husband that if we don't move there within the next 12 months, I may curl up and die.

26
Kristin
Aug 04, 2008

I love you blog and comment rarely, but I thought you would like to know that if I ever have a band. I'm calling it "wild arugula". Its so funky fresh. <-- That will be our first cd title. :)

27
Hilary
Aug 05, 2008

I love San Francisco. Hoodies and flip flops? Yes, please. DC is not the same. Not even a little.

28
Liza
Aug 05, 2008

i am one of those people who actally sells at the famers markets here in boston- was having a conversation last night about all the cliches you see at every single one of them! from the hemp-skirt-wearing-ladies humming to themselves to the emo-hipsters with the "not a plastic bag" bags! HA! good for you for going!

29
jennifer in sf
Aug 05, 2008

Actually I think it's acceptable to choose cheap over organic at the Civic Center market. I've totally seen people comparison shopping onions there. ONIONS.

The Ferry Building market is another story entirely.

30
katie
Aug 05, 2008

Mine was Saturday and the Boulder's Farmers market and I forgot tomatillos, but the rest was a pretty good match.

31
jess
Aug 06, 2008

how cool. i'm jealous. and i'm SUCH a hick. there is no whole foods here. no trader joes. our farmer's market is on saturdays only - and i can't walk to it. it's 15 miles away.

yep. hick. :)

32
Terri B.
Aug 08, 2008

When you walked through the Tenderloin, did you see the guy who wears a red bucket on his head (with a cut out for his face) and a red blanket draped across his shoulders? I'm assuming he is supposed to be a superhero of some sort, but wasn't close enough to hear his "spiel." Even the pimps stopped yelling at their prostitutes to watch that show.

33
Tivo Queen
Sep 05, 2008

Hmm...I had to forgo a bunch of points since I crossed neither the library nor the Tenderloin on my way to the Farmer's Market but don't I get a gazillion points for hitting the original Alemany one AND getting kicked in the calf on the bus by a cute old Asian lady who thought I was taking too long to amble to the back?