Good Luck Exploring the Infinite Abyss

Whenever I have to turn my cell phone on---and this is often, because I'm forever forgetting to charge it and so it dies a slow death, complete with desperate mewing sounds, which I guess are actually warning beeps, and then I realize that no-one's called me for a whole day and start panicking that I have no friends and no-one likes me, before I realize that my phone has just shut itself off because the battery's dead and PLEASE, I need to stop being so neurotic---it has a message for me. (Which is not "stop writing insanely long sentences," surprisingly.)

The message is in black type on a white screen and it says this: "Be safe. Be courteous." And though I know it's just Cingular's way of saying "Don't you dare call to check your bank balance while you're balancing a cup of hot coffee in your lap and trying to shift into fourth gear and then sue us when you have a crash, and also please for the love of God, don't be one of those annoying wankers who answers their phone in the movie theatre, EVEN IF IT'S JUST DURING THE PREVIEWS," I still like to read a little more deeply into it. You know, like the universe is sending me a message, and so today I will be extra safe! And extra courteous! It's a cross between always having a horoscope that makes sense, and constantly having my mother watching over my shoulder to make sure I'm minding my Ps and Qs. Which is helpful, I think.

Nov 09, 2005

I think Cingular had a poor response to "Don't be such an asshole." They probably spent hundreds of dollars for a consultant to come do the rewrite.

Nov 09, 2005

I love the word "wanker" Reading it in this post has made it intensly easier to imagine the whole thing coming out with a british accent. Fabulous.

zen wizard
Nov 09, 2005

At T-Mobile, I daresay we have a hotter spokesperson (I mean, even pregnant she is more of a turn-on than an asterisk. Though if you are having an acid flashback, an asterisk might look like something else), and miraculously my phone stays charged for a whole week! (It's the free candybar one you get for signing up).

The down side is that they call you when you are .01 milliseconds late with the payment, and ask you where's the money.

I think this is because they need the .001% interest compounded continuously on the bill, to pay for the hot spokesperson (supra).

Nov 09, 2005

Oh, I wish Cingular would REALLY go with 'Don't be such an asshole.' I love that.

And--at breakfast this morning my children were discussing their waffles in pretend British accents, for no good reason. And I thought of you. Isn't that fun?

Nov 10, 2005

My battery doesn't die and people still don't call should probably do something about I don't know, text me. Also I'm a little disappointed, I thought your post was going to have something to do with Garden State. And also on Samsung, you get to type in your own welcome message, I think you should look into that, Holly.

Nov 11, 2005

Okay, I'm a few days late, and I just made my first comment on the next post, but Thank You for the laugh: “Don’t you dare call to check your bank balance while you’re balancing a cup of hot coffee in your lap and trying to shift into fourth gear and then sue us when you have a crash"

Nov 14, 2005

You neglected to mention the panic that arises when the phone actually DOES ring, and as you look down to find the button that you must press to answers the call, you see only one little bar on the "power left before I crash" part of the display screen... which means that yes, you can answer the call, but the phone will most probably shut itself off before you can tell the caller (who will, of course be calling from your state lottery, informing you of the location to pick up your six million dollar cash prize) that your cell phone is dying and that you are not rudely hanging up on them.

Long sentences rule.

- M

Jordan Capri
May 03, 2006

I like to think of myself as a smart girl, but there are a ton who are smarter than me. At least I'm not like Dubbya who has called himself "the Decider". HAHA - That's so funny!