Introducing: Yo, Susie!

I've got an airport shuttle coming for me at 7:15am sharp, spiriting me away to Denver on a work trip, so I won't be around for a few days, you see. As my parting gift, however, I've got a little something for you. You don't even have to water my plants in return.

A few days ago, I floated the idea of a monthly guest post by my 18-year-old sister Susie, in which she would blatantly rip off the advice column Yo Spencer! penned by ghastly MTV super villain Spencer Pratt. A few people left some questions for Susie in the comments, and yesterday I opened up my email inbox to find that she had actually answered them and sent me her responses to post. This was doubly impressive in that Susie is supposed to be studying for some very important exams at the moment, and should, by rights, not have any free time. But since she does, I guess, what better way to fill that time than by explaining some of life's great mysteries to the Internet?

And so, I present you with Yo Susie!, in which 18-year-old high school student Susie Burns attempts to solve your problems, answer your questions, and convince you once and for all of the bonafide attractiveness of John Travolta.

Yeah! Let's do it! Except maybe not the John Travolta part.

First, Diane asks:

"Yo Susie! Why are Audrina's teeth so crazy white? Enquiring minds want to know!"

Susie says:

Yo Diane!

Audrina's teeth are so white because she's trying to distract you from her disgusting nude....ahem…modeling pictures! I mean, honestly, I was innocently taking in my daily dose of Ryan Seacrest on E! News a few days ago, when those "artistic" pictures---along with her crazy white teeth---blinded me! In fact, I've only just regained my sight. As to how they're so white, I'm guessing her super classy photographer paid her in Crest White Strips. Either that, or she's forced to wash her mouth out with bleach every time she kisses that repulsive Justin Bobby, the man with two first names. That would explain a lot.

FunnyGal KAT asks:

"Yo Susie! Could you please explain the fashions of today's youth? As someone who has very recently come to realize she's actually an adult (at 31!), I'm having a hard time understanding how the mothers let their daughters out of the house dressed like that. My mom would have killed me! But I do wonder if I would have had more boyfriends in high school if I had done a little more...ahem...advertising. So, does it work?"

Susie says:

Yo FunnyGal KAT!
Anything's going to be sexier than the plaid shirt and Doc Martens that Holly sported in her youth---sorry, Holly! But anyway, to answer your question: not only do today's fashions earn us plenty o' boyfriends, but if we're wearing them right, they can even earn us a little money on the side too---hey, we're saving up for college! (Ed note: Um, she is totally kidding. Trust me. Susie is not the next Ashley Alexandra Dupre.) Besides, FunnyGat KAT, do you know nothing about eighteen year olds today? We don't let our mothers see us leave; we sneak out after they've gone to bed!

Sheila (who sadly has no link! Get on that, Sheila!) asks:

Yo Susie! If you could vote for a U.S. President, who would get your vote and why? Also, why is it still snowing where I live?

Susie says:

Yo Sheila!

I'm going to go ahead and say that if anyone should be the President of the United States, it should be Oprah. I mean, just think! Every time you attended a press conference, you'd find the Entourage boxset or something equally awesome under your seat. It should be noted, though, that if Oprah were running against Martha Stewart, Martha would probably win because she's been to jail. This means she is basically one crazy tough mofo.

As for why it's still snowing? So that all the kids can have snow days! Have you no appreciation for the need to drink hot chocolate with marshmallows and put ice down the backs of the other kids' jackets? Gee whiz!

PS: You know what? In writing these, I've just thought of something: if someone asked a question and said their name was "Quiero Taco Bell," I'd actually have to write "Yo Quiero Taco Bell!" And I do not love Taco Bell. Ew.

If you'd like to ask Susie a question, send an email to nothing but bonfires AT gmail dot com, and put Yo Susie! in the subject line. Susie will totally answer your question in next month's post, even though she's supposed to be studying. Just don't tell Susie's mother, who is under the impression that Susie is brushing up on Second World War History and the French subjunctive.

Apr 02, 2008

Love this! So fun! Your sis is funny!

Yo Susie,
How do you find time to write for your Sis while busy studying?
Also how come Holly is just so adorable? (not in a creepy way, in a woman to woman, "oh wow she's cute, kinda way!") You know her in real life, spill the beans lady!

Apr 02, 2008

Can you please explain the whole British "public" school thing to me? Don't you have to pay tuition to attend a public school? Then what do they call the schools you don't have to pay for? It's confusing. Please answer in the French subjunctive.

Apr 02, 2008

Oops, just realized I was supposed to send my question in an e-mail. Yo Susie! Why can't I read the directions?

Apr 02, 2008

Hee. I'm looking forward to continued installments of Yo Susie!, because who doesn't love ironic advice columns?

Also: Denver! It's one of my favorite cities, ever, and I totally plan to live there once I've finished college. I hope you enjoy your trip there; Colorado is rad. Say hi to the mountains for me--they're one of the things I miss most about CO. (London is great, of course, but it has an ever-so-disappointing lack of mountains.)

Apr 02, 2008

This is ACES!

Apr 02, 2008

Yo Susie,

For next time could you please explain why the smart, cute girls always date the loser boys. The good guys never get the good girls, and this makes me sad.

I am a HS history teacher in Japan, so if you have any questions about world war II in the middle of the night, I am online!

Funnygal KAT
Apr 02, 2008

And now I know... thanks, Yo Susie! I will be closely studying the 18-year-olds I run into (um, not in the creepy way that implies) and I'm sure I'll have more to ask.

For now, get back to studying-- you don't want to fail out of school, have to work in a fast food restaurant and live in a box when your boyfriend abandons you with two kids and another on the way, do you? (Oh man, I AM an adult!)

Mrs. Bump
Apr 02, 2008


Welcome to Denver! Email me if you need a place to eat while you're in town. Denver is a great food town. Although Indian food? Not so much. I can recommend some fab Mexican, though.

Livia Taylor
Apr 02, 2008

Thank you.
So funny.
Great way to start my work day.

Apr 02, 2008

Have you guys heard the terrible news? MTV canceled The Hills! Dear God - what will we do?? I'm writing a letter to my congressman!

Someone Being Me
Apr 02, 2008

That is hilarious. Although I have to defend the flannel shirts and Doc Marten's of mine and Holly's youth. I prefer that to seeing a 12 year old's g-string hanging out of the top of her low rise jeans. We may have been grungy but at least no one was looking at our underwear unless it was through the huge holes in our jeans.....hmmm...nevermind...

The Over-Thinker
Apr 02, 2008

I'm pretty sure she won't want to receive any questions regarding French or WWII.

Apr 02, 2008

This is so much better coming from Susie than the horrid Spencer. Yay for Yo Susie!

Apr 02, 2008

Hi Holly!

Ditto on the offer above for Denver info - I live downtown (I assume you're staying downtown?) and can give you LOTS of recommendations for cool things to do and see and yummy places to eat while you're here ;)

Denver is no SF, but I think it's pretty awesome.


Camels & Chocolate
Apr 02, 2008

It totally runs in the family. Just more testament to why Susie needs her own blog eventually (after her exams, of course) -- she even has a name for it already!

Apr 02, 2008

Oh I am so happy this little Q and A is a reality! I was looking forward to it :)

Apr 02, 2008

haha! Yo, Susie! is great! Wait, that looks weird with all those exclamation marks. Susie, you're hilarious. Keep it up!

Apr 02, 2008

EXCELLENT! Best Guest Blogger posting I've ever read (including a couple of my own :-) The potential Taco Bell thing just totally cracked me up. Can we request that you come by more often than monthly? Or start your own blog?? (once you pass those final exams, of course :-)

Go Yo Susie, go!

PS: What? It won't let me post a comment now if I don't have a URL?? I claim discrimination against dinosaurs!!

Apr 02, 2008

This is awesome. Looking forward to more!

Apr 02, 2008

Yo Susie - thanks for answering my question! It now makes total sense!

Love the Yo Susie - can't wait for more. Holly - you will love Denver. My best friend lives there and I am a regular visitor. Park Meadows totally rocks as a mall if you have time. Benny's is great Mexican and there is another nicer one whose name I can't remember. Also Brother's Bar has THE BEST burgers and the LoDo (Lower Downtown) is so much fun. There are lots and lots of other great places to go to. Hope you have a great business trip.

Apr 02, 2008

Yo, Susie! is so much more awesome than Yo, Spencer!. I'm going to think of some questions for her ASAP.

Apr 02, 2008

Yo, Susie:


Now get back to your studies, young lady!

Apr 02, 2008

If Oprah were president I would be FORCED to move to the USA.

Free gifts under your seat at all rallies? Maya Angelou-written speeches? Oprah talking about her toiletary goings-on in the White House...not to mention her Va-jay-jay?


It would be pure bliss.

Oh Susie, you are quite simply a short-skirted, multiple boyfriend-dating, not-too-white-toothed genius.


Apr 02, 2008

Wow. Susie is witty. And dry! Where did she learn this effective approach to humor?

Apr 04, 2008

Truly, I'm just feeling relieved hearing an 18-year-old communicate in something other than text-speak.

Well done, Susie!

Apr 04, 2008

Damn, this made me laugh! Also the thought of Susie taking time off from studying to do this. If I was in college, and someone sent me a list of questions that total strangers wanted me to answer, I'd throw those textbooks to the side SO FLIPPIN' FAST.