I've got an airport shuttle coming for me at 7:15am sharp, spiriting me away to Denver on a work trip, so I won't be around for a few days, you see. As my parting gift, however, I've got a little something for you. You don't even have to water my plants in return.
A few days ago, I floated the idea of a monthly guest post by my 18-year-old sister Susie, in which she would blatantly rip off the advice column Yo Spencer! penned by ghastly MTV super villain Spencer Pratt. A few people left some questions for Susie in the comments, and yesterday I opened up my email inbox to find that she had actually answered them and sent me her responses to post. This was doubly impressive in that Susie is supposed to be studying for some very important exams at the moment, and should, by rights, not have any free time. But since she does, I guess, what better way to fill that time than by explaining some of life's great mysteries to the Internet?
And so, I present you with Yo Susie!, in which 18-year-old high school student Susie Burns attempts to solve your problems, answer your questions, and convince you once and for all of the bonafide attractiveness of John Travolta.
Yeah! Let's do it! Except maybe not the John Travolta part.
First, Diane asks:
"Yo Susie! Why are Audrina's teeth so crazy white? Enquiring minds want to know!"
Audrina's teeth are so white because she's trying to distract you from her disgusting nude....ahem…modeling pictures! I mean, honestly, I was innocently taking in my daily dose of Ryan Seacrest on E! News a few days ago, when those "artistic" pictures---along with her crazy white teeth---blinded me! In fact, I've only just regained my sight. As to how they're so white, I'm guessing her super classy photographer paid her in Crest White Strips. Either that, or she's forced to wash her mouth out with bleach every time she kisses that repulsive Justin Bobby, the man with two first names. That would explain a lot.
FunnyGal KAT asks:
"Yo Susie! Could you please explain the fashions of today's youth? As someone who has very recently come to realize she's actually an adult (at 31!), I'm having a hard time understanding how the mothers let their daughters out of the house dressed like that. My mom would have killed me! But I do wonder if I would have had more boyfriends in high school if I had done a little more...ahem...advertising. So, does it work?"
Yo FunnyGal KAT!
Anything's going to be sexier than the plaid shirt and Doc Martens that Holly sported in her youth---sorry, Holly! But anyway, to answer your question: not only do today's fashions earn us plenty o' boyfriends, but if we're wearing them right, they can even earn us a little money on the side too---hey, we're saving up for college! (Ed note: Um, she is totally kidding. Trust me. Susie is not the next Ashley Alexandra Dupre.) Besides, FunnyGat KAT, do you know nothing about eighteen year olds today? We don't let our mothers see us leave; we sneak out after they've gone to bed!
Sheila (who sadly has no link! Get on that, Sheila!) asks:
Yo Susie! If you could vote for a U.S. President, who would get your vote and why? Also, why is it still snowing where I live?
I'm going to go ahead and say that if anyone should be the President of the United States, it should be Oprah. I mean, just think! Every time you attended a press conference, you'd find the Entourage boxset or something equally awesome under your seat. It should be noted, though, that if Oprah were running against Martha Stewart, Martha would probably win because she's been to jail. This means she is basically one crazy tough mofo.
As for why it's still snowing? So that all the kids can have snow days! Have you no appreciation for the need to drink hot chocolate with marshmallows and put ice down the backs of the other kids' jackets? Gee whiz!
PS: You know what? In writing these, I've just thought of something: if someone asked a question and said their name was "Quiero Taco Bell," I'd actually have to write "Yo Quiero Taco Bell!" And I do not love Taco Bell. Ew.
If you'd like to ask Susie a question, send an email to nothing but bonfires AT gmail dot com, and put Yo Susie! in the subject line. Susie will totally answer your question in next month's post, even though she's supposed to be studying. Just don't tell Susie's mother, who is under the impression that Susie is brushing up on Second World War History and the French subjunctive.