We've Made Our Bed And Now We Have To Wait Til Tuesday To Lie In It

Our featherbed was the second thing Sean got to defenestrate this year. Do you know what "defenestrate" means? I didn't until very recently, but you should look it up, it's an excellent word. You won't get to use it too much since it means "throw out the window" but it's pretty awesome all the same.

So following last week's defenestration of the old Christmas tree, my beloved featherbed was chucked out the window (into the garbage) this morning, after all heroic efforts (vinegar, Spot Shot, expensive washing in the industrial-sized washers at the laundromat down the street) did nothing to rid it of the cat pee smell---the all-pervading cat pee smell, I should say (hey, I could deal with a little cat pee.)

And so we decided not just to buy another featherbed and put it on top of our crappy mattress, but to go the whole way and buy a new mattress instead. The one we've had since we've lived together is seven years years old, as basic as they come, and was purchased by Sean in his bachelor days in San Diego (in fact, I think it might even have come free with the bed). Quite frankly it was time for a new mattress. Maybe we should shake our cat's little paw and thank her for giving us some incentive, as unpleasant as that incentive was. Our bent spines are grateful to you and your urine, Sadie! Our S-curves thank you for your pee!

But oh man, who knew shopping for a mattress was like shopping for a used car? I, for one, certainly didn't. We headed out this afternoon to just "have a look" and ended up (two stores and two hours later) one queen-sized pillowtop richer than when we left. (And "richer" isn't really the right word at all.) Honestly, mattress-shopping is seriously intense: I thought we'd able to just browse; I wasn't prepared for the hard bargaining, the hard sell, the "what would it take to make you walk out of here with a mattress today?" (Um, maybe a forklift truck? Superhuman strength? Someone to hold the door open on the way out?)

We did try and do a little bit of comparison shopping but the people who make mattresses have purposefully made it hard for the people buying mattresses to do that; did you know, for instance, that all the mattress stores call the SAME mattresses by DIFFERENT names, so that you might be looking at the Endicott in one store, but it's the London in another store, just so they can make it harder for you to price-compare? You have to, like, take sneaky photos of the sales label of each mattress with your cameraphone and then compare then to the next label in the next store. It's a tricksy world, the world of mattress selling! Tricksy indeed!

And another thing: the people who are selling mattresses REALLY want you to buy their mattress, like, to the point of doing all sorts of earnest displays and demonstrations with jars of Windex and lifesize models of people sleeping on their sides. They urge you to lie on their beds. They encourage you to put your feet up. They ask you what you'd be willing to pay, don't blanch when you suggest a price $300 less than the lowest price on the tag, and then throw in a free mattress protector as well. Those are some hardcore salespeople, mattress salespeople. I wouldn't be a mattress sales(wo)man if you paid me; all you do all day is explain the same things over and over again about convoluted foam and coil count, while watching smug couples climb in and out of bed and lie on their backs before saying things like "this one? do you like this one better? or maybe we need to try the other one again? Hey, I know, you get out of bed and I'll see if I can feel you move. And now I'll get out of bed, and you see if you can feel me move!"

So long story short, we're suckers: we now own a mattress that the (possibly stoned) man at Sleep Train promised would change our quality of life. Can you imagine being so confident in your product that you tell people it's going to IMPROVE THEIR LIVES? Sean was very skeptical of the pitch---while simultaneously being unable to pull himself up from a supine position on the mattress we eventually chose because it was just...so....comfortable---but I fell for it hook, line, and sinker: of course I'll sleep better on this (very expensive) mattress, I told myself, here's my credit card, now where do I sign?

We've given ourselves the old "It's an investment! We're adults now!" talk, in order to justify this very large and pricey purchase, like, hey, we're taking responsibility for our sleep, it's just like...contributing the full amount to the 401k or buying the fancy moisturizer; having a good mattress is what Serious Grown Ups do! And that seems to be working so far.

In the meantime, however, it's being delivered on Tuesday between 4 and 8pm. Anyone want to come over and bounce on it?

Jan 14, 2008

so if it scheduled to be delivered between 4-8 on Tuesday its probably going to arrive on Thursday morning...

Jan 14, 2008

I dearly hope that you went for the TempurPedic... it was the best investment of my life... has contributed to many nights of amazing cozy sleepy dreaming, and lots of mornings late to work, because it's really sooooo amazing to sleep in.

congrats on your purchase! make sure they haul away the old one!

also - keep the receipt and make sure you know what your warranty is. If things go wrong in the first year or so with it, you can return it, and get a brand new one!

Jan 14, 2008

(The joy of third shift: watching the Monday posts AS THEY HAPPEN.)

I am ashamed to admit that I remember when "defenestrate" was like Webster's word of the year or something, and I took great joy in using that and other words from the top-ten list. Which is why I would make such exclamations as "Defenestrate the myrmidon!" anytime my supervisor tried to pass down orders from his boss. And I wonder why I wasn't more popular around the office.

A good mattress really CAN change your life, and I hope it gives you good dreams. Instead of scary ones about mattress salesmen. Kind of like I'm going to have now.

Jan 14, 2008

I'm with Schnozz -- it's one of the few products that really can change how you feel every day. During our Christmas visit to relatives my wife and I were walking around shaped like inverted 'L's due to substandard sleeping equipment.

Fun fact: discarded/defenestrated mattresses are a landfill nightmare, because they have a way of working their way back to the surface.

Maybe that's not so fun after all.

Jan 14, 2008

We've been sleeping on the same mattress for about 15 years, which is about 10 years too long for this crappy mattress. We keep talking about going out and getting a new one, then something (like this post) jogs our memory about mattress shopping, and we come to the conclusion that we have better things to do with our time. By the way, if there was a mattress store around here with the name "Sleep Train", I'd shop there in a New York minute. I don't know why, but I like it.

FunnyGal KAT
Jan 14, 2008

It took us three hours to pick out our mattress (but an hour of it was after the store closed, so I feel like we had a small victory there!) I messed up the sales guy because (as he later admitted to us) his technique is to put people on the most expensive (and, supposedly, most comfortable) mattress first and make them fall in love with it. I found it uncomfortable.

I couldn't believe how expensive mattresses are! But they're so marked up that it's definitely worth it to haggle.

Jan 14, 2008

When I moved into my new place this year I bought a big, fancy dancy mattress and I've loved every minute that I've had it.

I really would love someday to have the tempurpedic (or the sleep number bed which looks like fun!) but my budget wouldn't allow for a purchase that large this last summer. So I settled for the super delux queen pillowtop.

Jan 14, 2008

Ooh, I've been reminded that we also need to be grown up and get a new mattress, and I kind of de-lurked to announce it!
Now I have been put off doing so, and think I'll just leave it until the springs actually leave an impression on my back.

Jan 14, 2008

The thing nobody tells you about buying a new bed is that since the old one is in bad enough shape to make you actually want to shop for one, that *anything* at this point will be a joyous improvement.

I've decided that shopping for a new mattress is the world's biggest whip. All you want is to be a smart consumer and come home with a quality product but you just can't compare them. It's maddening.

I ended up saying F THIS and I bought ours online, sight unseen, from the good people at Sam's.

It's just fine. Highly recommend the Sam's Club bed.

Operation Pink Herring
Jan 14, 2008

I had no idea you had to bargain for mattresses. Crap. I suck at bargaining!

I am in dire need of a new mattress as well. I hate our current one (which is from IKEA, purchased secondhand from Craigslist) with a burning passion, but every time I get all fired up about getting a new one, I quickly get bogged down in the choices and the prices. I desperately want a tempurpedic... and even more so afer reading catwalker's comment above.

Jan 14, 2008

well you really can't underestimate the value of a good mattress. Which is why I won't sleep in our guest room. We have a king sized bed in the master and the mattress is made of that futuristic foam type stuff which means there are no coils or springs in it. It's the most comfortable thing ever. But then God forbid you feel like rearranging the furniture around and you have to actually move the damn thing. Then it suddenly weighs a metric ton and won't budge. That's ok. I didn't want to move the bed anyways.

Jan 14, 2008

Seriously? You actually throw stuff out of your window? Are you like WATCH OUT BELOW!

Jan 14, 2008

Ah, the first big mattress purchase. But what will you do with the cats the next time you go on vacation? Uh-oh...

Someone Being Me
Jan 14, 2008

I'm jealous. I'm not certain how old my mattress is and I think it is one of those things in life that if you have to ask you probably don't want to know. But it is oh so comfortable and the idea of laying down on the matresses at the matress store freaks me out a little.

Jan 14, 2008

Oh, I know! The shopping and selection is INTENSE. We went with the Room & Board memory foam mattress, and I can confidently say it HAS improved the quality of our lives. I love love love it.

Yay for Serious Grown Up Purchases!

Jan 14, 2008

We bought the super deeluxe queen pillow top a few years ago and with our really nice wedding present sheets on it - it is really hard to get out of it.

It was one of the best things we ever bought as we are 2 people who need our sleep.

Enjoy and happy sleeping!

Jan 14, 2008

I. KNOW. Honestly. I remember when we bought our mattress a couple of years ago. Shopping in furniture stores is seriously like shopping for a car - as soon as you even shift your head in the direction of their property, the vultures start circling. We're in the market for a dresser right now - the combination of dressers that we both grew up with is seriously doing nothing good for my sanity. Anyway, we're in the market for a dresser and every time I even think about going into the store it makes me ill. Good for you on the investment - you're right. It IS a really grown up purchase. And now that you've "gotten on the sleep train" hopefully you'll be able to say the same words that we do every single night...."I love my bed." haha. We've only been married two years and already "I love my bed" is coming before "I love you." Is that bad?

Jan 14, 2008

I love that you write such hilarious posts over seemingly inane topics. I'm highly jealous of your talent.
On another note, another writer on my blogroll [redacted] just wrote a very similar piece.

Jan 14, 2008

I've always loved "defenestrate", such a good word. You should just start throwing things randomly out the window so that you can use it more, that might work. Congrats on the new mattress - we have the el cheapo special and I would love one of the uber-fancy new ones, but they are so freaking EXPENSIVE. I can't wrap my head around the cost.

Jan 14, 2008

Ooooh, vengeful cat pee is the worst! I swear to God, every time I go out of town my cat holds it in till I get back, just so she can take an enormous pee in my suitcase. Ideally (in her mind) while it still has all my clothes in it. And there is NO WAY to get rid of that smell. I spent an hour last year outside with the hose and laundry detergent, trying to de-stink my suitcase before just giving up and buying a new one. I DO need a new mattress, though, as mine was inherited from my then 22-year-old brother-in-law. Goodness knows what happened to that thing before I got it! Maybe next time I go out of town I should encourage the cat to pee on the bed and give me an excuse to buy a shiny new mattress.

Jan 14, 2008

We bought a Chattam and Wells mattress last year, and we're still in love with it. We call it the Muffin Bed.

Miss Squirrel
Jan 14, 2008

This cracked me right up, especially since I have to go mattress shopping soon, having been given the old heave-ho by my live-in fiance just 9 days ago. So I have a new bed, new apartment, new pots & pans, new couch, new Tivo, new vaccuum cleaner and newly depleted bank account on the horizon shortly. I am totally using this post as a reference guide on how to shop for mattresses.

Jan 14, 2008

You should know that having the mattress of your dreams (ha! Get it? Mattress of your DREAMS!!) will ruin you for everything else. I seriously cannot get a decent night's sleep on vacation, in a guest room or anywhere else but on that king-sized, partial coil memory foam-topped deluxe bed of mine.

What are you sleeping on until tomorrow night?

Jan 14, 2008

Just a few months ago the husband and I decided we needed a new mattress so I called my mom up (she has the most comfortable bed in the world) and she told me she bought it from Costco. I couldn't believe it but we went and checked them out and now are really happy with the mattress we bought. Plus there was no salesperson to bargain with or anything like that, the downside is the lack of options, though. We pretty much slept that entire first weekend we had the new bed. It was GREAT. We still pat ourselves on the back from time to time about making such a good decision on our grown up purchase.

Thespian Libby
Jan 14, 2008

Ack! I'm trying to gird my loins to go mattress shopping this next weekend, and here you go making me dread it even more! Is it truly that awful.....(of course it is). Actually, I'm packing up to move back downtown (yippee! And I'll be just around the corner from NLPM, so perhaps I'll see more of LNS. I do love being cryptic!) Anyway - I'm having to force myself not to defenestrate everything in the apartment. But you really can haggle on price? Who knew....

The Over-Thinker
Jan 15, 2008

We need to get a new mattress. Desperately. Our cats lovingly RIPPED THE LIVING TAR out of the box spring under-liner. Like you, we're thanking them. They uncovered the warped (some broken!) boards that were "supporting" our backs each night. We've bypassed the whole S-Curve and are shooting for Trapezoid Spine-curvatures.

Would you be willing to post the brand, etc. that you purchased? I just don't know where to start in the "quest for the best rest"--(Note: I did not come up with that on my own, it's in a local commercial I saw yesterday.)

Jan 15, 2008

There are few things I can rationalize spending loads of money on. Mattresses are one of them. Because it is just so nice to sleep on a good one.

Jan 15, 2008

Ooooh! Pick me pick me! I'm an expert mattress bouncer and am trying to break into the pro's. :o) New mattresses are a.w.e.s.o.m.e!


Jan 15, 2008

Not to sound all salesman-y, but he's right! The purchase of the right mattress could make or break your back (or your wallet) My husband and I bought a mattress that's just TOO soft and it's killer for my back, so now we have to go buy a new one and this one is only 1 year or so old! Oh the pain of it all. Adulthood is just too much for me to cope with sometimes!

Jan 15, 2008

Yes, and with all the salesmanship that goes with mattress buying comes the payment plan. sometimes bed sets are expensive enough to warrant a payment plan resembling property mortgage! Long live your new feather bed!

Jan 15, 2008

Oh, and another thing. Our puppy Webster LOVES to jump on beds and is even more excited if you have a ball of sheets in the middle that he can hide under and then jump out at you. He believes he is a big German Shepherd instead of the little foo-foo dog that he is. But he's a great bed jumper and he's available every day between 9 am to 7 pm. :-)

Mary Dawn
Jan 16, 2008

when i was a kid, my mom had a hippy sofa, which really was just a giant pillow on steroids that you smoooooshed into the corner between the wall and the floor, we called it the "Loafer"...well, we also had the cat from hell who'd pee on anything that he considered belonged to the person he was pissed (see what i did there?) at...he used to fill my swimming goggles with pee...he did the Loafer when he was angry with my mom...we had to burn it

it was a very large bonfire, that

Pam in SC
Jan 18, 2008

Silly as it may sound, a new mattress can definitely improve your life. If you bought a pillow top mattress, be sure to rotate it and flip it as often as recommended. It makes all the difference in the world. I bought one a few years ago, still turn it occasionally, and it's like new. My aunt bought one, did not follow the instructions, and said that there were permanent indentations in the pillow top where they slept. She ended up replacing it a couple year later.

Jan 18, 2008

"Defenestrate" is one of my favorite words, and the fact that you've used it is just another reason why I'm among your biggest fans. Bonus word: "transfenestrate", which means to throw something (up to and including oneself)THROUGH a window!