Why I Am Giving Up On The Bachelor

Everything I know about life I learned from The Bachelor: namely, that reality dating shows suck and you should never trust a man who owns a bar called the Chuggin' Monkey. But then again, you probably could have told me that anyway. After all, no marriages have ever come out of Elimidate, at least as far as I know, and I am immediately suspicious of anyone who deliberately omits a letter from the end of a word.
I suppose the first red flag should have been the line "both Jenni and DeAnna are almost perfect." If one is about to propose to someone---or at least tell them how wonderful and amazing and special they are before pocketing the ring "for now" just to "see how things go"---you'd think you wouldn't be using the word almost to describe anything about them, am I right? When you've known someone for six weeks, isn't everything about them absolutely perfect? I mean, come on, this is way before you find out how psychotic they are about loading the dishwasher or reach the stage where their snoring is less "cute" than it is, say, grounds for manslaughter.
In case you haven't heard, Brad Womack---America's latest Bachelor---didn't choose either of the women in the finale, sending them both home in floods of tears instead. His dismissal of Jenni---who, full disclosure, I was pretty much a hundred percent sure was going to win---was, while surprising, at least quite gentle. (Not so gentle---ON MY EYES, that is---was Jenni's short and flimsy slip-meets-sundress, which looked to have been plucked off the $6.99 clearance rack at Forever 21, and was not the sort of thing I'd want to be wearing for The Most Important Moment Of My Life, even if I didn't know it was going to involve abject humiliation.) To wit, there was a lot of talk of how "wonderful" Jenni was and how it was breaking Brad's heart to say goodbye.
(I totally transcribed the whole speech, by the way, and you can email me if you want to read it in full. Such is the marvel of Tivo! Such is the emptiness of my life!)
DeAnna's dismissal, on the other hand, was pretty harsh. After telling her he'd just sent Jenni home---surely, this would be the point at which DeAnna's heart would skip a beat and her ring finger would be twitching---Brad cleared his throat, loosened his collar, and excused himself to pace a little, while DeAnna stood by nervously. Then he came back and single-handedly destroyed her life, her dreams, and her self-esteem with this little gem: "I want so badly to be so confident enough to pick you up and twirl you around and give you a diamond ring and spend my life with you. But I can't look you in the eye and tell you that I love you. I can't. I can't give you a promise that I can't keep. I refuse to do that. I have to tell you goodbye."
Ouch, right? I mean, ouch! And so this, Internet, is why I am giving up on The Bachelor. Forever, I am sure. Cheesiness and trashiness have their place, of course (at least in my televisual viewing schedule, if not my own life), but man, I do not invest this much time in turning my brain to jello---jello that will no doubt be repurposed later as jello shots, which will then be taken in a hot tub----just to be let down like this by a pansy-assed milquetoast with Tin-Tin hair. I mean, seriously, Womack: I expected romance! I expected a proposal! I expected the most dramatic rose ceremony yet! And all I got was some commitment-phobe frat boy chickening out of making a decision. Wasn't that what college was for?
And yeah, yeah, yeah, I suppose we should give him props for not "settling," for not buying into the inane idea that you could meet someone you knew you wanted to marry after only two windsurfing dates, three jacuzzi kisses, one couples' massage, and a ride in a helicopter. And if you do want to make that point, please know that I'm pretty much mostly in agreement with you. But still, Internet, I feel bereft. I feel swindled. I feel cheated. Is that so wrong?

1
kristin
Nov 21, 2007

Did you watch After the Final Rose last night? Man, oh man, was Brad burned at the stake. Yes, most. Disappointing. Rose. Ceremony. EVER.

2
kristin
Nov 21, 2007

Did you watch After the Final Rose last night? Man, oh man, was Brad burned at the stake. I was surprised and a bit pleased to see how Jenni was so graceful about the whole situation on the after show. But yes, most. Disappointing. Rose. Ceremony. EVER.And I loved how Chris Harrison and his teasers last week made it look like one of the girls rejected Brad, not a double whammy in the other direction! At least we have a second Bachelorette to look forward to next summer. If the writers' strike continues, you may not be able to give up on The Bachelor after all!

3
Twice Five Miles
Nov 21, 2007

Wait, aren't the bachelors sort of REQUIRED to pick a girl at the end? I'm not a regular viewer, so I don't know. But if I was a producer, that's what I would do, make it required that he at least keep dating one of them. Otherwise, what's the point of sitting through the whole season?

I totally understand why you feel cheated. I would too.

4
sgazzetti
Nov 21, 2007

If you're going to invest this much time in turning your brain to jello, I would hope it'd at least result in a salad.

5
superblondgirl
Nov 21, 2007

Absolutely not wrong to feel that way - what a cop-out!!! I mean, he could have just picked one and dumped her later. Stupid chugging monkey. He's so never going to get laid again after this - what girl will want the bachelor guy who can't even pretend to pick a girl??

6
Big Mama
Nov 21, 2007

The Bachelor is now dead to me.

Whatever happened to Option B? Can't they just go see a movie and grab some dinner? How do you know for sure after 5 weeks of couple massages that you FOR SURE don't want to marry someone?

Sorry for the caps. I just feel very strongly about it all.

Because I have problems.

7
Clare
Nov 21, 2007

Tin-Tin hair! THAT'S what it reminds me of, I've been trying to figure it out!

8
Jess
Nov 21, 2007

I've never watched The Bachelor, so I have no real idea--but what a cop-out! I had no idea they were even allowed to reject everyone at the end. My god. What's the point of watching the whole time and then not getting anything from it?

9
whoorl
Nov 21, 2007

I know I'm in the minority, but I thought it was pretty cool. I feel sorry for the girls (well, not so much for crazy I DON'T UNDERSTAANNNNNDDD I AM SO AWESOME DeAnna), but if you don't want to be with someone, YA DON'T WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE. I was cringing watching DeAnna last night. Honey, give it up. Pathetic is just around the corner.

Clearly, I have invested way too much time in The Bachelor, given the length of this comment. Maybe it's time for me to move on as well... ;)

10
anne
Nov 21, 2007

clearly what deanna didn't see was how imperfect mr. bachelor was - given his inability to committ. but damn couldn't he have been a little more graceful about it. i mean he knew he'd have to pick and he knew he'd have to go through this process. i mean man up about it.

11
Monica
Nov 21, 2007

Ok..Ok... it was the most DRAMATIC rose ceremony EVER... hello who did not gasp on that bit of turn of events? I do agree with whoorl commnent ... when its not there its not there.. should he had a better delivery... maybe.. but he did say "you told me to be honest no matter how much it hurt"... And come on... 6 weeks and you are in "love"? Not happening... I do admired him for not just "picking" and then "dumping" her 2 months later.

Would I give up the "future" bachelor? I don't think I can.. its just better than a daytime soap - you just cannot make these things up! Plus, they have to get one right! (I'm not counting Maria and the fishing guy as a success story just yet).

12
Tracy
Nov 21, 2007

ABC is where the real anger should go. Brad misled both women because he was under contract to mislead (i.e. keep everyone guessing enough to make for good television). And he can't exactly say that on the After the Final Rose special. However, I was also having trouble with why he couldn't just "pick one" and dump her later, especially since he continued to stumble with even more misleading statements last night. I think his main problem (like Bettina's father implied) is that he just isn't that bright and has a hard time articulating himself. Last night, he finally said something cogent and I finally understood him and then wanted DeAnna to shut up. His one coherent argument was something to the effect that he couldn't in good conscience pick one (even to continue dating) when he didn't love them because THEY were both insisting that they knew they loved him. That's a road to nowhere and it's really unfair to everyone. I think the women on these shows feel pressure to profess love way earlier than they ordinarily would (or even before they really feel it) because they think they have to in order to stand out from the others. In Brad's case, that backfired. I believe that if one of the final two had said "I really like you and want to see where this is going, but I can't profess love for you yet." instead of "I am in love with you, I would accept a proposal, I see you as the father of my children." that Brad would've given that person the final rose and dumped her later rather than dumping both on national TV. That's my many, many cents.

13
Nothing But Bonfires
Nov 21, 2007

I DVR-ed After The Final Rose and am watching it tonight! While packing!

14
Carol Snider
Nov 21, 2007

Do I have to admit that I've been a Bachelor fan? OK, fine. I HAVE BEEN.

But what the hell happened this season? Couldn't ABC screen out the narcissistic, mentally ill applicants? Obviously Brad did end up loving one person through it all -- HIMSELF. I think the solution is to 1.) change the rules of the contract, 2.) only do Bachelorette shows from now on (oh yeah, I forgot, undramatic, uncatty men don't make for good TV) and/or 3.) cancel the show.

I know it's only TV and really, I thought it was just a bunch of acting on all parts -- until last night. I really DO believe now that Brad broke DeAnn's (and maybe also Jennie's) heart.

Carol

15
Sauntering Soul
Nov 21, 2007

Holly, you can't give up on The Bachelor. You just can't! I understand it's pretty certain that someone I know personally is going to be the next Bachelor. I really want to read your recaps if he is. Please say you'll watch if he gets it?

16
barbie2be
Nov 21, 2007

ok, has brad never watched a season of the show? did he not get the concept? did he realistically think that he would find "true love" in that random collection of girls that someone other than he picked to date?

don't you just want to drive a spike through someone's head? ok, maybe that's just me but i won't be watching the show ever again.

17
Megan
Nov 21, 2007

Dude- its not like you can really believe you are going to find love like that BEFORE you are on the show. I mean, its not like he had a major epiphany and woke up in the middle of filming and realized this.

We were SO cheated. If you are not going to lie and pretend to be head over heels for someone after 5 minutes and a little nooky in a hot tub, then why are you even ON the Bachelor?

18
Miriam D
Nov 21, 2007

Oh, BURN! I cannot believe he said that to Deanna. Also, while I do not watch the Bachelor, I would be severely disappointed if I was not handed exactly what I expected on a silver platter. With roses. It's a reality TV competition!! Someone has to win!

19
andrea
Nov 21, 2007

You have every right to feel cheated. You put a lot of time and effort into this show and for what?!? For peet's sake, you transcribed an entire monologue of rejection. That my friend is commitment. I only watched the last half hour because I had heard the phrase "most dramatic rose ceremony ever" (and btw isn't it always supposed to be the most dramatic one?) and am sorry I wasted my time.
You'll have to find a new show to review for all of us, I'll really miss your reviews.

20
natalie
Nov 21, 2007

I'm with whoorl... and was it REALLY going to go anywhere with either girl? Ah well. I can safely swear off the show now with no regrets. What else can possibly happen on future shows?

21
E
Nov 21, 2007

I disagree.. I think this is what made Brad the best bachelor ever.. he wasn't willing to string some girl along only to have their breakup make the cover of Us Weekly in a few short months. Great article from the creator here: http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20161757,00.html

22
steppingoverthejunk
Nov 21, 2007

I just watched it off the tivo this morning and am sick to think the guy didnt even like one or the other enough to at least continue dating her. That's what I don't get. Maybe he realized he is gay or something and is love with the host.

23
Nothing But Bonfires
Nov 21, 2007

Well, of course they ALWAYS break up after a few months and you KNOW it's not going to last, but the whole POINT of the show is the absurdity of two people thinking they can find true love on TV in six weeks and then letting us all snicker at it when they profess to be a match made in heaven during the last episode.

I mean, you KNOW it's ridiculous, but you watch anyway because you want that silly happy ending, even if you're rolling your eyes all the way through it. Nobody really actually ever believes it when he proposes -- and HE probably doesn't believe it either, although SHE almost certainly always does -- but you just expect it to happen anyway. Or for him at least to pick someone, go on a few dates, get the Us Weekly cover, and then quietly split up like everyone always knew they would. It's not that I feel I've been cheated out of true love or whatever -- I've just been cheated out of the chance to see two slightly dumb people pretending they've found it.

Brad sort of ruined the charade for everyone. It's like when your 12-year-old cousin tells everyone that Santa isn't real and thinks he's so clever and high and mighty for pointing out the obvious. We all KNOW Santa isn't real -- or that you can't really find your soul mate on The Bachelor -- but nobody should get props for thinking they're the first to bust the myth for everyone else.

24
Kat
Nov 21, 2007

At first I was on his side, but then he just couldn't shut the hell up! By the time the "After the Rose Ceremony" show was over even I wanted to strangle him. I mean, honestly, I sat through how many weeks of chick-bitch fights to get to the point of wanting to see him drop down on one knee and at least give her the ring for her trouble and torture! Sigh ... All I want to know is what happened to that damned ring anyway? Did he keep it or give it back?

25
C
Nov 22, 2007

I want a re-do. I want Jenni and Brad to ride off together into the Malibu sunset. There. I said it.

26
georgia
Nov 22, 2007

Wait a sec, can we go back to the whole 'snoring is cute' thing? Is this true?? Please, please let it be true!!! Umm...not that I snore or anything. Nope, not me...not this dainty little flower. *points at something shiney to distract you while I make a run for it*

27
ali
Nov 22, 2007

word. totally cheated.
hate the bachelor. i'm totally done with it.

28
heidi
Nov 24, 2007

Yes, that is what college is for. But remember: Brad DIDN'T GO to college! (One of the reasons Bettina's dad had such a problem with him.) So he's still got the indecision and commitment phobia in reserve. That explains everything!

29
Jenny
Nov 24, 2007

Yes, I know it was disappointing but come on....the matches never last, of all the bachelor shows,only 1 couple got married and another is still together. How can you get mad at a man that was at least honest. One of the final women was going to be hurt, this time it turns out it was both of them. I give him credit, I truly believe that was very hard on him, he had to feel like an awful person doing that, and then to face those women the next day.....what hell!! It would not be fair to string one of them along only to break her heart later. I liked him, and to be honest I was not impressed with either of the 2 women.

30
DM
Nov 24, 2007

But we're nominating a friend for the next one. And he's a nice, normal guy. And he doesn't own a bar (that I know of).

Well, I never watched the show but I always enjoyed your recaps. What will we do without the recaps?

31
Scarlett
Nov 25, 2007

I called this one... or at least joked with my sister during the first episode that this would happen.

It's the "It's not you, it's me" just dressed up a little more with some fancy television angles. "Sure, I put on this facade for months that I'm so into you but I can't grow up and settle down because there's too many hot, single girls in Austin to choose from."

I mean, honestly, the girls should be thanking him for not prolonging this and making the breakup even messier. Imagine if they would have moved to Austin and then he pulled the "el dump-o?" You know they would be so pissed and feel even more cheated.

Yes, I feel cheated from a television show with a expected ending standpoint... but from a real-life standpoint, I'm glad he stopped getting swept up in the moment and did what was right. If I run into him, I'll tell him! (But I will never, ever date him because I know he's another one of THOSE guys!)

32
Jules
Nov 26, 2007

Holly, don't know if you read this yet.

Mary Delgado, who won a proposal from 2004 "Bachelor" Byron Velvick, was arrested Wednesday in Seminole, Fla. Delgado allegedly punched the man she lives with in the mouth, and while the police statement does not name her fiancé, they have said the pair have been living together for the last three years. Obviously, Delgado and Velvick broke up soon after the show’s finale.

Classy...

33
Sunset~Lover
Nov 26, 2007

I've never ever watched the bachelor before...But the tv was on that channel when my other tivo show ended. And so it was the last 15 minutes and i figured "what the hell..."

Wow. I don't care if it's ABC that made him do it. But what a jerk. lol. He's probably ruined his reputation. Who would want to date him now??? Even if he is really cute. But I thought when he got off stage to walk around with the 2nd girl (again, don't watch the show, but i guess from the comments her name is deanna), i TOTALLY thought he was about to propose since most guys seem to freak out right before then. But nope.

34
Sarah
Nov 28, 2007

You TOTALLY have to switch to breakdowns of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. For serious. :P