This One Is More Full-Fat Than "Lite," Sorry About That

So we haven't had a Bachelor post in a while, have we, and that's sort of because I pretty much forgot to Bring Out The Snark on last week's epsiode. Which is kind of a shame, actually, because there was plenty to snark about. One girl (Hillary, in case you care) had sort of a two year old's tantrum crossed with a low-grade panic attack at the end, all because Brad didn't offer her a rose. It was particularly hilarious because she was wearing a pouffy white dress in which she'd (only three minutes before) smirked "I hope this reminds him of a wedding dress." Also, another girl (Sheena) fell down the stairs when making a Dramatic Entrance. And that was kind of funny too, but I felt much worse for Sheena than I did for Hillary, because frankly, Hillary was kind of a pyschotic tramp. (Which would actually be kind of an awesome Halloween costume, no? Damn, I wish I'd thought of that in time.)

(Speaking of which, my friend Alison wore the most brilliant costume to work, and its brilliance lay in the fact that she could wear it to work, where no-one dressed up. She wore a white t-shirt, across the front of which she'd written "SUTTLE" in black marker. You know what she was? SHE WAS A TYPO. This, you see, is why most of my friends are English majors; only a fellow nerd could appreciate a Halloween costume like that. Maybe next year I'll go as a dangling participle. Or perhaps a split infinitive? That could be fun.)

Anyway, fast forward to Monday's episode of The Bachelor, which contained---my favorite!---the hometown dates. My word, I love the hometown dates. I love them because you get to see how crazy everyone's families are, and you really sort of start to see what could have driven a person to mail off a hopeful casting tape to a show like The Bachelor. Like let's just say they have a father with overly severe bangs who's obsessed with everyone having a college degree, or maybe their grandpa just pops over every afternoon and gets everyone blitzed on a flask of ouzo. That would maybe drive a person pretty wacko, right?

But enough of the amateur pyschology. Let's make fun of people instead!

Why Jenni Has Issues
Jenni's grandma is really something else. For a start, she is wearing a t-shirt that says "Honest To Goodness 100% Grandma," you know, in case there was any question. ("Are you really a grandma, madam? Can you prove it?" "Why, yes, officer, of course. Just look at my t-shirt.") Upon finding out that he owns a bunch of bars, she asks Brad if he's "a drinker," slurring her words like she's had ten G&Ts herself. "Well, drink, but I'm not a drinker," stumbles Brad, which is pretty good work for a spur of the moment reply. (Also, can we just pause to note how sweet it is that he says "yes sir" and "yes ma'am" like a good Southern boy? If there's one thing I miss about Charleston, it's that. Well, that and pimiento cheese. Well, that and pimiento cheese and a sandwich place called The Square Onion. And specifically, come to think of it, the pimiento cheese from The Square Onion. But that's all.)

Also, another reason that Jenni probably has issues is that her mother offers to WASH BRAD'S HAIR. Granted, her mother owns a hair salon, but still: can you think of anything more awkward than having your potential mother-in-law shampoo your scalp on national television the first time you meet her, all the time making stilted conversation about your feelings for her daughter? Nah, neither can I.

Why Sheena Has Issues
Sheena's mother is, simply put, a basket case. She believes in star signs, and the enormous and meaningful coincidence that has made both Brad and Sheena's father Scorpios. Because I couldn't make this stuff up, here is some dialogue, verbatim, from Sheena's Loopy Mother, whom I feel sure was slipped some quaaludes by the production intern before taping began:
a) "You are my husband's sign! The stars line up! When you go in the jacuzzi the big dipper is in the sky. And you can lasso it!"
b) "I know Sheena is the one. Whether she's your one, or someone else's one, she's the one."
c) "When I saw you, I saw your eyes together."
d) "My daughter and I, we are ready to commit. She is ready. She is ready to be one man's everything. Every mother wants her daughter to be married. So cut to the chase! Let's get the ring! Let's move on! We've got the flower girls and the bridesmaids; let's get the wedding planned!" [By the way, please note that Sheena is TWENTY THREE: hardly a crusty old maid living with fourteen smelly cats.]

Why DeAnna Has Issues
DeAnna is actually growing on me; I think she's a sweet Southern girl, and her family seems nice and normal. Plus, I cried like a baby when she "introduced" Brad to her (dead) mother through her photo album. (Which was really very sweet, despite the fact that it sounds totally creepy when I read back over it written out like that.)

DeAnna has a seriously awesome Papou---which is, in case you don't know, the Greek word for Grandpa---who shows up after lunch and says "Where's the party? I've brought the booze!" And even though I don't have a speck of Greek lineage in my family tree, I really think I'm going to insist that my kids call my parents Papou and Yia Yia when they're old enough to speak, because I've always thought the Greeks had the coolest names for grandparents, ever since my friend Alex Economou---who, by the way, wanted to one day own an airline called Economou Airlines and make the whole thing economy class---told me stories about his. I mean, Yia Yia? You just know a Yia Yia wouldn't wear a t-shirt that said "Honest To Goodness 100% Grandma."

Why Bettina Has Issues
Bettina has issues because her dad is a total ass. He has very foppish bangs, which hang in his eyes, and sneaky snake-ish lips. He thinks very, very highly of himself. When he asks Brad where he went to college, and Brad says that he didn't actually finish college, Bettina's father gives him a coolly disapproving stare and raises his eyebrows. Later, he says that it is "a great disappointment" and that he is "sorry that that's the level of education that he has." And Bettina's stepmother is no better! "Do I like the idea of my stepdaughter being hooked up with a guy who runs a bunch of bars?" she says. "No." And then Bettina's dad comes back in with "well, it would be nice if he had a PhD" and "the distance, the business he's in, the education---those are my issues." Honestly, this family! What is Bettina's last name? Bitchy-McJudgepants? With a hyphen, just like that? Yeah, that sounds about right. Before this week, I would have guessed Limphair--McChiponmyshoulder, but at least Bitchy-McJudgepants is easier for passport forms. I suppose.

(By the way, in case you were wondering, it's Sheena who ends up going home at the end. Probably back to her mother, who will read her tea leaves and reassure her daughter that it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe she should start looking for a nice Capricorn instead.)

Nov 01, 2007

Oh my gosh I am dying with laughter. Did Sheena's mom really say all those plum crazy things? I'm not sure what is better - her reference to a big dipper in the context of a jacuzzi....or the whole thing about Sheena being the one....for someone.


Oh and you and the cheese - that's my kind of crazy. I like the way you roll.

Nov 01, 2007

Yeah, my Yia Yia definitely does not wear t-shirts like that. Instead she likes to smoke cigarettes and drink Greek coffee and insist that her hair is brown when it's actually orange.

Nov 01, 2007

On Jenni:
Did her mother actually go through with the hair washing thing? If yes, then: Oh, my.

On Sheena:
I guess eyes together seems better than, say, eyes APART. Ew.

On DeAnna:
Economou Airlines is seriously the best business name in all the land. Why did this venture never get off the ground? (Ha! Get it? I slay me.) Oh, and DeAnna gets a pass this week for having a dead mother and all.

On Bettina:
Her father is sorry about his educational level, but has he seen the bank account?

Great recap, as usual. Glad to see that a little shaking of the earth did not put you off your SBT rounds.

Nov 01, 2007

I had major issues with Bettina's father saying that she was already married to a great man and she will never find anyone better. WTF??? I'm sure when she watched that on tv she felt REAL good about herself. And why didn't Brad boot her right then and there? I know Sheena's mom was filled with The Crazy, but come on? Bettina just seems like a very high maintenance kind of girl.

I also agree that DeAnna is kind of growing on me. But I'm team Jenni all the way baby.

She Likes Purple
Nov 01, 2007

I kind of liked Sheena. Damn her nutty mother.

Nothing But Bonfires
Nov 01, 2007

I think the producers MUST have told Brad that he had to keep Bettina because she was controversial and stirred up the draaamaaaah. Personally, I don't think he even really LIKES her. She'll be gone next week, I'm sure.

Nov 01, 2007

"When I saw you, I saw your eyes together"? Does she mean like a cyclops? I've got to start watching this show if this is the type of crazy that comes out of their mouths. Sign me up!

Nov 01, 2007

I know I'm not the only one, but I'm still amazed I love this feature so much considering I've never seen the Bachelor. The anticipation until your next recap always almost kills me.

Nov 01, 2007

I was really shocked that Bettina wasn't the one to go. Although I'm thinking that she will be gone next week as Sheena's mother was enough to do anyone in. I love your recaps!

Nov 01, 2007

Oh my - you took the words out of my mouth. Basket case is the only way to describe Sheena's mom. I even liked Shenna before we met her mom. She was totally bizarre and loopy.

However I would have definitely dumped Mr.Snooty Britches aka Bettina's Dad before I dumped Mrs. Cleo if I had been in Brad's position.

Nov 01, 2007

OMG! I totally had a Greek friend named Alex Economou. I haven't seen him since we were 8, so I wouldn't know about any airline plans...

Nov 01, 2007

I actually caught part of the show this week, and it's a damn shame that there's no html code that would represent the particular brand of crazy that was Sheena's mother. The tone of voice and intense stare freaked me out so much I had to change the channel. She's THE ONE! Yikes.

Nov 02, 2007

Um, I think Bettina has issues because HER NAME IS BETTINA. Seriously, parents? Seriously?

OMG someone's totally going to send me hatemail because their mom's name is Bettina, aren't they?

Nothing But Bonfires
Nov 02, 2007

You know, I was going to make the same crack about Bettina and her name. But then I was all "OMG, someone's going to send me hate mail because their mom's name is Bettina." So, you know. Rather you than me.

Nov 02, 2007

Your recaps are simply BRILLIANT and make me laugh my ass off (as if it were that EASY to really laugh half my ass off, oh how I wish)! Maybe if I read this over a few more times I will, certainly, wear off all that Halloween candy I've eaten today.

paula in ohio
Nov 02, 2007

This episode was on in the background while I was reading blogs (o.k., I admit it, I was playing Webkinz games to get points for my 4-y-o), but I couldn't help but be mortified by the opening with the chick dancing. (I'm a dance teacher, so I naturally stop to watch any kind of dancing.) I found it weird that she wanted to show him where she started ("I admit, I'm really good" or something along those lines...) and yet, she'd stop and say,"I'm so embarrassed. Are you laughing?" He was TOTALLY laughing!

I was mortified for her!

natalie 42
Nov 02, 2007

OK, I don't even watch the bachelor but I love the recaps! So much fun.

Nov 02, 2007

Ha! No hate mail so far, but a story for you- in high school we had a little student store that sold sweatshirts and whatnot. One day my friends and I were looking through it and I saw these woven/crocheted booties made with yarn in our school colors. I was totally making fun of them and I suddenly realized no one was laughing. Then my friend Staci says, "My grandma made those." I thought she was kidding... but she wasn't. I still feel bad to this day.

Nov 04, 2007

I got the idea that Bettina didn't finish school. Didn't she says something that hinted at that as well? I have no idea why he didn't can her except that perhaps he just never felt it for Sheena but kept her around because his brother liked her.

Nov 04, 2007

I love "suttle."

Nov 07, 2007

hi here by way of a blogherads link. your blog is nicely designed and i can't wait to read more.

i don't really tell anyone that i watch the bachelor because i feel so cheap about it.

is my secret safe with you? i hope so.