The Bachelor Dialogue Awards

Award For Most Clearheaded Look At The Future:
"I'm here for Brad; I'm not here to make a bunch of friends. Because when Brad and I get married, these women aren't going to want to come to my wedding. Because they're going to hate me" -- DeAnna

Award For The Person Who Apparently Didn't Realize How A Show Like The Bachelor Actually Works:
"Sharing someone is not okay with me." -- McCarten

Award For Teary-Eyed Petulance:
"You know, I don't think I even want a rose anymore." -- McCarten

Award For Most Noble Explanation Of Why One Needs To Be A Total Bad-Tempered, Two-Faced Hobag On National Television:
Jade: "Why do we have to bitch all the time? Why do you always try and get us to talk about each other?"
McCarten: "Uh, because it would be really boring if we DIDN'T. You guys would just sit around and stare at each other."
(Thanks, McCarten! You really took one for the team!)

Award For Most Humiliatingly Inane And Cringeworthy Dialogue Ever, Dialogue So Bad, In Fact, That It PAINS ME TO TYPE IT OUT:
Brad: "I do have to bring up the subject of that rose over there, all by itself."
Jenni: "Aww, it's all by itself! It needs a friend."
Brad: "Are you its friend?"
Jenni: "I'm its best friend."

Award For Supposedly Racy Line That Doesn't Even Really Make Any Sense, Even Though I've Run It Over In My Head Again And Again To Try And Figure It Out:
"You're so hot you make my pompoms sweat!" -- Hillary
(WHAT was this supposed to mean? Her pompoms? Like, her boobs? He makes her boobs sweat? And this was supposed to be APPEALING? Hey Hillary, I'm sure they make some sort of topical medicine for that. You and your pompoms should look into it.)

Award For Plain Awesomeness:
"Damn, I hope she doesn't get the rose because she cried. I will smack her upside the head with that rose." -- Stephy

Award For Blatant Competitiveness In A Conversation:
Jade: "As soon as I turned 16, I started working---"
DeAnna: "Well, I started working at FOURTEEN."

Award For Impressive Multiple Use of "As" In A Sentence:
"What if I'm not as refined of a gentleman as you want to be with?" -- Brad

Award For Line Of Dialogue That Reflexively Made Me Say Out Loud "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID":
"I'm having deja vu because your brother did this exact same thing to me." -- Sheena

Pot, Kettle, Black Award:
(Upon learning that Brad actually kissed Jenni before he kissed her) "Well, I THOUGHT she was the sluttiest in the house." -- Bettina

Award For Totally Forgetting To Put A "To" At The End Of Your Sentence To Make It Make Sense:
"I wanna be the girl at the end that he says hi, you're the one." -- Jenni? Bettina? Who knows?

Award For---Oh My God, She Did NOT Just Say That:
"I don't think Brad would want someone who's been married before. She's like a used car; he has to kick the tires every few years to see if she still works." -- Hillary

Award Most Intriguing And Mysterious Line Of Dialogue Ever:
"When do you think the suitcase guy is coming?"
"Creepy suitcase guy?"
"Yeah, creepy suitcase guy."
(Hey! Creepy Suitcase Guy! Guy who takes away the suitcases of the girls who are being sent home! I think you have the potential to be the next cult figure on The Bachelor! The next Chris Harrison, if you will! Call me!)

Award For Best Baby Daddy Allusion:

"Brad is an amazing person who I can see being the father of my children. Or my husband."* -- McCarten
(*the father of her husband? what?)

Believe it or not, these were all from episode four last week. I KNOW. I don't know how they packed that much crap into an hour either. I mean, really, they must have had a shovel.

1
Lorelei
Oct 22, 2007

You noticed my IP address refreshing obsessively, didn't you? Thank you...I needed that dose of Bachelor goodness! I feel better now.

2
Maya
Oct 22, 2007

I swear Holly, I have NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER* in the show...but I pine, yea verily, I wait with bated breath, for your recaps. Seriously. They are sometimes the highlight of my evening.

*Note to all fans: Please don't take this personally, I just prefer my fake-real-tv more Ugly Betty than Bachelor-style. No judgement.

3
Adele
Oct 22, 2007

Award for Providing More Entertainment in 5 minutes-worth-of-reading than 90 minutes of viewing?

NBB, you get the rose! (and you didn't even have to put out in a jacuzzi)

4
aBd libbing
Oct 22, 2007

Hilarious recap. Definitely made my pompoms sweat.

5
Jess
Oct 22, 2007

I haven't even seen this show, but the recap was still awesome. In fact, probably more awesome than the show.

6
Sheila
Oct 22, 2007

Clearly, McCarten needs her own show. And you need a writing contract with Talk Soup.

7
Melissa
Oct 22, 2007

OMG...that was hilarious! I am one of them who watches the show...but i missed last week's somehow (I can't even remember why....) but your recap was great! i lost only a few minutes of my life on the bachelor rather than a whole hour of my life. he he.

8
Superfantastic
Oct 22, 2007

I would think that if the same man was the father of your children and the father of your husband, that would qualify you for an entirely different genre of show. Is Jerry Springer even still on?

9
Erikka
Oct 22, 2007

Never seen this show, don't have friends who watch it. Your little snippets are enough to give me the general point and probably more laugh time then the real show would. I used to skip over your really long posts of bachelor tuesdays, but now, i read the lite version. Thanks!

10
Monica
Oct 22, 2007

Dude.. you ROCK.. your recaps make my week!

11
andrea_frets
Oct 22, 2007

I have been WAITING for the recap. I do not even watch the damn show but I love the recaps. And have you noticed all the women have pretty odd names? McCarten? I feel like that it is a South Park name or something.

12
andrea
Oct 22, 2007

Thanks again for allowing me to skip the show but enjoy and the juicy one liners. You can't make this crap up.

13
faerie
Oct 22, 2007

oh, thank you, ever diligent re-capper (ish) of most inane show on tv that i do not watch but wait for recaps of

long title

14
Patrick
Oct 22, 2007

Never seen the show, have no interest in it, and only know the basic premise from reading your recaps.

And still the Award For Most Humiliatingly Inane And Cringeworthy Dialogue Ever made both of my eyes twitch *at the same time* when I read it.

15
Stephanie
Oct 22, 2007

Re: the pompoms line, I think she was making a play on words: palms = pompoms (you make my palms sweat). You know, since she was role-playing as a cheerleader. It doesn't really make any sense, but I keep my expectations low. It's better for everyone that way.

16
Nothing But Bonfires
Oct 22, 2007

Hmm. Well, that joke doesn't translate to someone with a British accent.

17
Colin
Oct 22, 2007

"I'm its best friend."

For some reason, that line alone made me giggle for minutes on end. I have this strange urge to start using it in the most out-of-context situations imaginable. ("Ew, check out this mushy avocado." "I'm its best friend." "...What?")

Also, Yo La Tengo! Well done.

18
WendyB
Oct 22, 2007

I don't even watch this show and I was laughing hysterically at this post.

19
ali
Oct 22, 2007

i love how the bachelor is such a smart show :)

20
Aerin
Oct 22, 2007

I am laughing fit to be tied!--I'm not sure how that would work, but it is how funny this is! Thank you, again and always, for the hilarity!

21
Ariel
Oct 22, 2007

TV is neurotically superior in America. I wonder when that show will cross the pond, if it ever does. As for sweaty pompoms, urgh! I mean... it begs the question: is she really a woman?

22
gina in sc
Oct 23, 2007

Ohh i can hardly wait for tonight. when one of them says something, anything, i contemplate ... "will Holly mention that in bachelor lite?" ROFL.

23
superblondgirl
Oct 23, 2007

Best. Show. Ever.

God, I love the Bachelor. Vicariously, of course.

24
Kat
Oct 25, 2007

These commentaries are hysterical! Those women should really read these recaps so they can scuttle on back to their little caves in embarrassment.