A Plot Twist Worthy Of Elizabeth And Jessica Wakefield

This week for Secret Bachelor Tuesday Lite---hey, it's Tuesday where I'm writing this, okay?---I thought we'd have a little tutorial. I thought we'd talk about dates. The worst date I've ever been on was to some guy's apartment where we sat on his couch---which was also his bed, since BY THE WAY, he lived in someone's GARAGE, I mean, he paid RENT for this---and watched a VHS tape of Radiohead videos. That was the date. There was no food. There was very little conversation. There was just Radiohead video after Radiohead video and some talk about his toaster oven and his band. (What, like you're surprised a guy living on a couch in a garage was in a band?) Also, we should note that this guy was, like, 27. Which means he should have known better.

(Not that I have anything against Radiohead, of course, I just wasn't expecting "Well, maybe we could see a movie" to mean "Hey, let's watch all my bootleg videos on my tiny crappy TV" or that "Perhaps we could go get dinner afterwards" would actually translate to "You're hungry? Too bad!")

All this to say, of course, that a near-silent date in some wannabe musician's garage is way better than a date in which one has to appear as part of a circus act.

Date 101: How To Make Your Date Really Kind Of Suck, Sponsored By Whoever Handles The Date Portion Of The Bachelor

Option One: Take your date to the circus.
More to the point, take your date to the LUXURY BOX at the circus, which has been decorated like a five year old's birthday party, with confetti and balloons everywhere. Also, then make your date appear in front of a large crowd of people, sharing the stage with various clowns and trapeze artists. (Note: If you are the date in question, and you are neither five years old nor a circus performer, it's maybe not the best idea, JENNI, to say "I was really comfortable! It was totally my element!")

(Also, what the hell, can you imagine being a kid and being really excited about the circus and getting there and finding everyone making a big fuss about the Bachelor and his Bachelorettes being there, like it was some super huge deal? You'd be all "who cares, dude, bring out the lions and tigers!", right?)

(ALSO also, don't parents spend valuable time and money trying to protect their kids from people like the Bachelorettes, with their louche hot-tubbing ways and their unmistakeable stink of desperation? I mean, come on, parents, help me out here: you'd have your hands over your kids' eyes the very moment you saw Solisa get out of a clown car, wouldn't you?)

Option Two: Take your date to San Francisco for the night.
No, bear with me, bear with me; there is a way to make this suck, I promise. What you have to do, you see, is you have to make sure your date is an emotional wreck like Hillary, who will first get a little teary, then downright weepy, then GODDAMN HYSTERICAL as your romantic dinner progresses, merely because, and I quote, "I do want to give my heart to someone, I do want to get married, I really want to love someone, and I just want someone to love me for meeeeeeeeeee!"

(Side note to producers: So wait, first you organize a date to the circus and then you let Brad and Hillary loose in the Ghirardelli Factory to make their own ice cream sundaes? What is this, dating for seven-year-olds?)

Option Three: Have a series of very awkward moments on a sail boat.
First, you need Solisa (the self-confessed Christian!) to give you a lap dance while wearing a bikini. In an ideal world, she will say "I started shaking my butt really fast. It's the only thing I know how to do." Even better? If some other (awesome) girl standing nearby says under her breath "Well, I know who I'm going to hire for his bachelor party." (Who was this girl? I kind of just want her to win on principle now.)

Moving on! For a true sense of awkardness, you need to tell your date "Well, you do seem to have everything I'm looking for." Yup, pretty much just like she's an apartment you're considering renting. Also, when she finally musters up the courage to confess to you that she's divorced (hi, Bettina!), you must suffer a temporary loss of hearing ("what? I'm sorry?") so that the poor girl has to say it all over again, thus doubling her anxiety.

(Also, if you are Bettina, you should buy a thesauraus. You are impressing no-one when you deliver lines like "if I don't get a rose tonight, I'll be so....so...uh....so SAD.")

Option Four: Have your twin brother pose as you at a cocktail party. (Do you have a twin brother? If not, well, I'm afraid you're shit out of luck. In that case, just choose from options one through three.)
At this point, I really need to give props to Mir. Two weeks ago, while she (ahem) most definitely wasn't watching the Bachelor Season Premiere, Mir e-mailed me the following: "The new bachelor has an IDENTICAL TWIN! That's SO going to be the twist. They're gonna send the brother in at some point to see if the girls figure it out. I want to go on record as CALLING IT NOW."

Mir, you called it alright. You are now officially my hero. Will you accept this rose?

By the way, I'd like us all to take a moment to note that Brad's twin brother's name is Chad. Yes indeedy, BRAD AND CHAD. Do you think they have another brother called Tad? And they never get mad? And they think it's so rad? (What the hell, Mr and Mrs Womack? Did you use a baby naming book to get your children's names or did you just log on to Rhymezone.com?)

Oh! But that reminds me! When I was 19, I worked at Abercrombie and Fitch for the summer (oh my god, I know.) One of the girls I worked with was called Girleen. And this would have been pretty darn hilarious all of its own accord, right? But then one day her TWIN SISTER walked into the store to give her a ride home. And her name? Her name was PEARLEEN. True story, Internet. True story. It took everything I had to keep collapsing with laughter across the table of shirts I was folding when the manager called out "Hey Girleen? Pearleen is here to take you home!"

Alright, Secret Bachelor Tuesday Lite over: you now, one would hope, know pretty much everything there is to know about screwing up a date. Before we adjourn, however, I would like to recognize this week's winners of the Most Inane Quote award. Your prize, ladies? Ooh, I don't know: I've got this whole tape of bootleg Radiohead videos we could watch.

First Place: Upon seeing Chad (who really looks nothing like Brad at all): "Either Brad's wearing dentures, or I'm really drunk." -- Stephy

Second Place: Upon being booted off the show at the final rose ceremony: "He did see those very special parts of me because I wear those special parts on the outside, its just those special parts weren't the special parts that he wanted." -- Solisa. (Hmm, special parts, eh? Is that what the kids are calling them these days?)

Third Place: "I'm not going to sit here and cry over him." -- Lindsey. Who then, displaying a hitherto unseen amount of logic, promptly stands up and cries over him. Bravo, Lindsey. It's all about the semantics, right?

1
Lizzie
Oct 10, 2007

I officially delurked a few posts ago, but as you had 400 posts and probably didn't get to mine wedged somewhere in the 150 vicinity, I thought I'd tell you what you probably already know: your blog is hilarious and awesome and I'm totally hooked. And props on the Sweet Valley reference...

2
Adele
Oct 10, 2007

Girleen and Pearleen??????

Laughing so hard. That is priceless.

3
Sara
Oct 10, 2007

I don't watch The Bachelor, but I live for your Secret Bachelor Tuesday posts. Where else can I get inane quotes AND true stories like Girleen and Pearleen?!

4
Jess
Oct 10, 2007

My uncle's wife is named Karlene, and she has sisters named Marlene and Darlene. I thought that was unbeatable, and then I saw Girleen and Pearleen. Because that is awesome. Also, I am so excited for this post because oh my god, the Sweet Valley twins.

5
karen
Oct 10, 2007

Speaking of things that 7-year-olds do.... They had the twins switch places? That's something most twins get over in, say, second grade.

I really never, ever watch The Bachelor, but i feel all addicted to your recaps.

The Bachelor should give you some kind of cut for widening their audience!

6
Andrea
Oct 10, 2007

Is the next date at Chuckie Cheese?

7
Linda
Oct 10, 2007

Sometimes I have these dating things where I inadvertently follow patterns for a few dates in a row (e.g., there was the all Geminis phase, the recent drummers phase) -- and I once had an 'ad name phase. I date Thad, Shad, and Vlad in relatively quick succession. They came on to me!

8
ali
Oct 10, 2007

Dammit! I missed the circus date because, 9:36? What the hell, ABC? I suppose I should just accept the fact that I am a committed Bachelor viewer and set my TiVo so as not to miss a moment of awkward dating action!

9
andrea_jennine
Oct 10, 2007

One of my high school teachers used to regale us with tales of the weird names she encountered on role call lists. The best? Sisters "Lemonjello" and "Orangejello" - supposedly pronounced "Lemahnjhello" and "Orahnjhello."

Your analysis of the third inane quote made me giggle.

10
Anny
Oct 10, 2007

I was sad to see Solisa go because I am sure there were many more inane quotes to be had from her. Not to mention those special parts...sigh.

I guess I'm a 7 year old because the circus and chocolate store sound like a fabulous date to me!

11
chirky
Oct 10, 2007

There is so much material here. I mean, Radiohead videos? Girleen and Pearleen? (Please tell me I'm not the only one who just tried to Google them.) Brad wearing dentures?

Your reviews almost make me want to watch The Bachelor. (Almost, I said.)

12
missbeegail
Oct 10, 2007

After The Bachelor premiere I had to stop watching because, well, I simply am not made of stern enough stuff. However, I think Secret Bachelor Tuesdays (Lite) are even better than watching. I am usually wiping tears of laughter from my eyes by the end, whereas were I to watch the actual show I would be too busy cringing and hiding my head under a pillow to laugh. Keep up the good work!

13
Megan
Oct 10, 2007

I don't know what to write, so much hilarity in this post!

Loving the Sweet Valley Twins/High reference, ah, memories.

And Girleen & Pearleen? I don't know how you didn't fall on the floor laughing.

I'm still laughing over Rhymezone and the quotes.

14
Nothing But Bonfires
Oct 10, 2007

Whoa, good point, Chirky: I hope Girleen and Pearleen don't Google THEMSELVES and find this. That would be awkward.

15
ali
Oct 10, 2007

i think Solisa is telling us that she has big labia :)

16
whoorl
Oct 10, 2007

My favorite part of the show is when Brad and Chad are sitting at the table pre-rose ceremony. Brad requests his huge favor, of which Chad acts completely surprised at the request.

THEY ARE WEARING IDENTICAL SUITS AND TIES. Please don't act surprised, Chad.

Ah, those tricky Bachelor producers.

17
Jennie
Oct 10, 2007

I was SO hoping you'd mention the quote about not sitting and crying over him. I even said to Mike--who was COUNTING ALOUD the seconds left before he took away my TiVo privileges--"I hope THAT quote makes it onto Holly's post."

18
Mir
Oct 10, 2007

I absolutely WILL accept this rose, Holly, and after I stare deeply into your eyes I shall do a little victory dance, for I have successfully deconstructed a tired, predictable plot twist that even my children could've called. Yay, me.

Also? I could go the rest of my life without hearing about anyone else's special parts and where they keep them. Yeesh.

19
Nathan
Oct 10, 2007

So many highlights in this week's Bachelor, and I agree with whoorl about the hilarity of watching Brad and Chad pretend to concoct the idea of Chad bieng Brad. Chad, you're wearing the same suit! You grew out THE PROPER LENGTH OF FACIAL HAIR! You're not fooling anyone! (well, except for some of the less observant 'ettes)

But I really love the time lapse of Hillary crying. During the date I'm thinking, "Wow, she's really crying." Cut to later in the date: still crying. Cut to later on in the date: still crying. Ok, so, at that point I'm thinking the silly producers are tricking me with editing... cut to post-date interview: STILL CRYING.

In the future there will no longer be droughts in the world because all we need are Hillary's tears.

20
Melissa
Oct 10, 2007

OMIGOD...i found this site and I love it! I also watch the Bachelor....for amusement purposes only. The catfights and silly quotes make my day!

And to be honest....Chad and Brad did not look alike...brothers yes....identical...no. And the only thing one of the girls thought was DENTURES?!?!?! lol...riiiight.

Oh the drama continues....and more silly moments to come!

21
hello insomnia
Oct 10, 2007

The real question is which of the twins has a mole on his shoulder? Which one had a secret fling with Todd Wilkins? Which one will get into wild and crazy adventures with Lila Fowler?!?!

22
heidikins
Oct 10, 2007

As an identical twin myself I feel it important to tell all future mammas reading this site the following:

PLEASE DO NOT GIVE YOUR KIDS/TWINS MATCHY NAMES!!

As half of the Heidi-and-Erika twin-set, I can attest that even as an adult who is more-or-less independent of my sister, I still answer to "Erika". Give your poor kids a break, let them have their OWN name.

As a side note: my favorite "I don't know which one you are so I'm just gonna give it a shot" nickname is Heidika. Classic.

23
Superfantastic
Oct 10, 2007

Oh my gosh, I went on that same date. Except it was in his dorm room and we watched videos of his band instead of, you know, a good band. And I quietly starved while he offered me nothing but Mountain Dew.

As an identical twin, I must say SHAME ON YOU, BRAD. I've suffered through many stupid "what if you sent your sister on a date and the guy didn't even know" jokes. Why would I do that? WHY? And yet here he is perpetuating the myth that this is something any self-respecting twin would ever do. I demand an apology on the part of all twins everywhere.

24
Nothing But Bonfires
Oct 10, 2007

Ooh, that made me think of how funny it would be if my own twin siblings decided to switch out on a date -- considering one is a boy and one is a girl, I think it would be HILARIOUS. Still, I'm betting that a good 35% of the Bachelorettes would be too obtuse to tell the difference anyway.

25
squindia
Oct 10, 2007

oh my gosh thank you thank you for these posts. for some reason india is not broadcasting the bachelor on its trashy english channel so these posts are all i have! i never watched it when i lived in the states...ok not often...but not being able to makes me want to all the more.

26
Chiada
Oct 10, 2007

Rad, Holly. Thanks for the chuckle. Wow, where to start. Love the Sweet Valley Twins ref. And, rhyming names. Now, I've never known any twins with rhyming names, but I have known a few relationships to go belly up due to rhyming names, such as: Marina Camarena. Nope. Molly Pauly. Nope. Thessaly Exley. Well, that one worked out. But she thought she'd never ever find someone who's last name rhymed with her first name. I mean, what are the odds, right?

27
Beverly
Oct 10, 2007

I don't have a funny rhyming name story to add, however, I have a funny name story. My brother was working as an off-duty cop doing security at a hospital here in Atlanta years ago. A lady came in the ER and she was in labor and screaming her head off. My brother, trying to calm her down some, asked her what she was going to name her baby. She looked up for a minute, then looked him straight in the eye and said "I've seen a sign from the Lord. My baby is going to be named Nosmo King." My brother looked up to see a No Smoking sign. You can't make stuff like that up.

28
DiaryofWhy
Oct 11, 2007

It could be worse! Pearleen could have been named...Lurleen! Or she could have been a boy! And then they would have been Girleen and Boyleen. *Shudder*

Next season they should do a special twins edition of The Bachelor(s), in which he (they) and all the contestants are twins. Twice the inanity! And the winner would have to be able to pick their partner out of a lineup.

29
Nothing But Bonfires
Oct 11, 2007

Girleen and Boyleen! I love it! I need new cats so I can name them that. Or, hell, I'll just rename the cats I have now.

30
Sylvia
Oct 11, 2007

My family lives in Wisconsin. I am moving to Chicago next summer (from Southern California). You are more than welcome to invade their wisconsin homes on an education field trip.

31
Leah
Oct 11, 2007

SPECIAL PARTS. Man.

32
Aurelia
Oct 12, 2007

I think I love your posts about the show more than actually watching the show. If they ever cancelled the Bachelor, I'd have to write in, saying "but you don't understand! I really NEED those nothing but bonfires recaps!"

33
Kristin
Oct 12, 2007

So it's been absolutely KILLING me not to read SBT because I've been working till after midnight every day this weekend and hadn't gotten to the Bachelor until last night (sinful, no?). So yay, I finally got to it and am glad I could finally read the recap. By the way, you should start noting weekly who is your frontrunner for the amusement of your readers. Just a thought! Though Jenni's apparently a five year old on a sugar high and, judging by next week's previews, Deanna's a total bitch, those are mine for now!

34
hannita
Oct 15, 2007

You are the best! Somehow your SBT posts make me want to watch the show, if only to ridicule it as eloquently as you do.

Also, hand to God, Casandra and Lasagna, twins I knew in college.

35
Erikka
Oct 15, 2007

We may have dated brothers! Ok, not really, but my single worst date was...also almost one of the most memorable. Worst because we were supposed to go out to dinner and he said he just had to "quickly stop at home to change." The quick change turned into staying in listening to music and watching tele, drinking wine until I was too drunk to get home,so he could try to get in my pants. Which he did not succeed at. It was almost the most memorable because the date. was on. valentine's day. and before we made plans, I had none. And we'd been talking before and he had seemed like a nice guy. I will always listen to my brother in future, who told me he sounded like a playah.