When Life Gives You Lemons, Do Body Shots With Them

"I want this damn rose ceremony to happen and I want the people who suck to go home." -- Hillary From The Bachelor

Ah, Hillary, truer words were never spoken, were they? A sage for our time, that Hillary. A regular Eleanor Roosevelt. (Is that a fair comparison? I was trying to think of someone who got quoted a lot, and Eleanor Roosevelt sprang to mind. I daresay they will be quoting Hillary From The Bachelor at graduation ceremonies and christenings from here to eternity. In fact, I may start selling inspirational t-shirts and coffee mugs that say "I want the people who suck to go home." What do you think? They'll go like hotcakes, right?)

So here we are at Week Two of Secret Bachelor Tuesday Lite (it's lite! don't go away!), and I've decided the best way to handle these recaps is by....well, not making them recaps. That just gets awfully long, doesn't it? Instead, I propose we just cut right to the chase and make fun of people. And so I present to you:

A Brief Character Study Of The Type Of Girl Who Applies To Be On The Bachelor, AKA, Oh My God, Didn't They Realize Their Parents Would Be Watching?

Personality Trait #1: She Must Be Callous
In a moment that isn't meant to be funny, and yet somehow sort of can't help being really quite hilariously funny (it's the disembodied high-pitched screaming that does it for me, especially when all the other girls are in another part of the house, doing the booty dance), Michelle from New Jersey somehow manages to fall down the stairs. An ambulance is summoned to the scene. (Has there been a season of The Bachelor yet where an ambulance wasn't summoned to the scene? And couldn't we have seen a surprise guest appearance by Andy "Are you a paramedic? No, I'm a doctor!" Baldwin?)

When Michelle calls Brad on his cell phone to tell him the news, he is on a group date with some of the other girls. After he hangs up and tells them, hey, one of your roommates just fell down the stairs and now she has a mild concussion, they look sympathetic for, ooh, half a second. And then one of them sneers "she had a mild concussion and she was able to call you?"

Personality Trait #2: She Must Have A Terrible Sense Of Timing
Brad and a girl named (bizarrely) McCarten walk away from the other girls, after McCarten has rather abruptly requested some one-on-one time with him. They're talking about something inane, and then right in the middle of this talking---I mean, mid-word---McCarten leans forward and kisses Brad smack on the lips. Out of nowhere! And Brad....keeps talking. And McCarten...keeps trying to kiss him. And then Brad sort of wipes his mouth a little. It's all awfully, awfully awkward. Painfully so. And Brad says to the camera, "I can't lie. It wasn't good." And McCarten is outraged! "First you talk while we kiss, and then you wipe it off!" she says. Sadly, she just cannot understand why she was rebuffed.

Personality Trait #3: She Must Be Able To Be Bitchy And Yet Simultaneously Quite Subtle About It, Thus Ensuring That The Girls Don't Turn Against Her. Yet.
So there is a girl called Jade in the house, and she seems to be the queen of bitchy one-liners, but terribly passive-aggressive one-liners. She's that girl in high school who'd say "well, I wanted to be the one to tell you that EVERYONE is talking about how fat you look in those pants. I mean, I think you look great. But everyone else thinks you look like a whale. I just thought you'd want to hear it from me." Remember that girl? That girl is Jade. She says things like "there's a real division in the house: the classier girls versus ... the ones that went on today's date." (These girls, you see, wore bikinis. Apparently this makes them all two-bit hookers.)

Personality Trait #4: Hmm, Good Point, Actually: She Must Be A Two-Bit Hooker
A girl called Solisa wants Brad to know she is a free spirit. This is what she says. She says "I want Brad to see that I'm a free spirit." So how does Solisa intend to do this? By telling him about that one time she ran away with the gypsies? Fashioning him a tye-died macrame vest? Refusing to wear a watch because time is an evil invented by The Man? Wrong, wrong, wrong. "I want him to see that I'm a free spirit---and so I thought what better way than to make him take a body shot off me!" she proclaims proudly. Yes, ladies and gentleman---free spirits let strange men slurp tequila from their belly buttons. You heard it here first. Joni Mitchell, eat your heart out.

Solisa, I should mention, is a poor man's---a very, very poor man's, like the homeless man who smoked a crack pipe outside my house, THAT kind of poor man's---Angelina Jolie. She has the lips, she has the long dark hair. And whoopsadaisy, here we go, she even has the tatas! How do we know this? Because shortly after the body shot incident, Solisa whips her bikini top off in the hot tub and runs down the beach, screeching like a banshee. Everyone else stands there frozen, and damn, it's awkward. "Solisa showed me everything that she is," says Brad."Quite literally, actually." (I'm sort of starting to love him! You?) The other girls roll their eyes. "He didn't even look like he wanted to go see her naked" says one. And Solisa's reasoning for this wanton act of wickedness, this unneccessary half-strip? "Well, I knew the rose ceremony was coming up, and I thought....well, you gotta do what you gotta do."

Personality Trait #5: She Must Be A Tad Confused About Her Identity

But is Solisa a trashy trollop? Oh no, no, no, my dears. Solisa, as she tells Brad later very earnestly, is a good Christian girl with morals that need respecting. Taking her top off and letting strange men lick her navel are just her way of worshipping the Almighty, silly! "God made me who I am," she intones seriously. "I'm very comfortable with my body."

And I think we'd better finish Secret Bachelor Tuesday Lite here, before it gets so long that it stops being "lite" and starts venturing into "packed with calories and trans fat" territory. Besides, it's not even Tuesday, is it? I'm going to get slapped with a False Advertising suit if I keep this up for much longer. Oh well, at least it's still a secret: you, me, and the rest of the Internet. We'll never tell.

1
AlieMalie
Oct 08, 2007

hmm. sounds a bit like high school. what a surprise.

2
Plattie
Oct 08, 2007

Oh wow, I would totally buy an 'I want the people who suck to go home' t-shirt.

3
aBd libbing
Oct 08, 2007

Ok, maybe it's sad that I'm even asking, but did Solisa's attempt to win a rose work? Just wondering how the Christian ho strategy played out for her.

4
merrymishaps
Oct 08, 2007

I have no idea why I've never watched The Bachelor. It's right up my alley, I was all over those cheesy FOX reality shows years ago ...

Also, hello! I didn't delurk last week since I wasn't lurking in the first place. I've only recently hopped on over here since seeing your cute outfits over at The Working Closet pool :)

5
ali
Oct 08, 2007

So funny. My sister and I had to keep rewinding to confirm that strong morals girl was in fact the same charmer that had offered up her midsection mere moments before.

6
Nothing But Bonfires
Oct 08, 2007

Yes! Solisa got a rose!

7
pseudostoops
Oct 08, 2007

I think "I want the people who suck to go home" tshirts are genius, and would totally make you tons of money if you made them and sold them on the blog.

8
Jennie
Oct 08, 2007

I would totally buy that shirt too, FYI.

9
Skeezix
Oct 08, 2007

I never in my life have been compelled to watch this show but reading your recaps almost makes me want to tune in.

I would totally buy a coffee mug with "I want the people to suck to go home" on it, and I would bring it to office meetings and passive aggressively point it at the people I hate.

10
Scarlett
Oct 08, 2007

Solisa is sticking around because she lives 45 minutes outside of Austin... and we know there's always a girl that lives in the Bachelor's backyard. Funny how that happens!

I'd buy that shirt too!

11
Rachael W
Oct 08, 2007

If people can sell "Mean people suck" bumper stickers, the T-shirts would be an instant success. Especially seeing as you have 400-odd people who read your blog! ;)

I don't watch "The Bachelor," but this guy's one-liners kinda make me love him as well. He sounds like he doesn't quite know what he's doing on this show...

12
Allie
Oct 08, 2007

Okay, now I might have to _start_ watching the Bachelor. This guy sounds amusing.

Holly, I put a link to your blog in my last post - still not sure what blog etiquette demands in this situation, but if you don't want it there, feel free to bitchslap my comments section and it'll be removed promptly. ;)

13
DiaryofWhy
Oct 08, 2007

I finally quit The Bachelor after last season, but your post has me dangerously close to a relapse. They don't make a patch for that, do they?

14
Mrs. Who
Oct 08, 2007

I have never seen this show but your post ALMOST makes me want to watch it. If we could fit just one more show in our DVR...hmmmm...no, can't do it. Why are there so many good shows this year?? Keep me updated. This is the only way I will know who gets chosen. And, at this point...I'm kinda interested.

15
Sarah Marie
Oct 08, 2007

Holly, I love Love LOVE the lite version! I very much prefer you cutting to the chase and mocking people right away.

So is it too early to tell who is in this rat race "for the right reasons?" Obviously not the awkward kissing girl...

16
Beverly
Oct 08, 2007

I commented about this recently, but I just found out this morning that it's about 98% sure that my ex-boss is going to be the next Bachelor. Please tell me you'll keep doing these recaps if he is.

17
Angela
Oct 08, 2007

I was so incredibly confused when Solisa started on her whole morals and values talk--I think she changed her hair and had on a cover-up, so I totally didn't recognize her. I couldn't figure out who she was until I read the TWOP recap. So incredibly random, and I think Brad agrees with me about that.

18
Lori MacBlogger
Oct 08, 2007

I have to agree that he is the first like-able Bachelor in a long, long time. The show is actually watchable this season. So far.

19
liz
Oct 08, 2007

solisa forgot that though god may have made her who she is, it doesn't appear that he made her tatas....those seem to have been made by her plastic surgeon. oh, and also her lips.

20
metalia
Oct 09, 2007

This? Is simply brilliant.

21
Allison
Oct 09, 2007

I missed Delurking Day, so I'm doing it now.

LOVE the site. You are hilarious. Keep it up.

22
Thespian Libby
Oct 09, 2007

Oh please. I really really need that coffee mug!

23
Katie
Oct 09, 2007

I missed it this week, so THANK GOD you are here to let me know who fell down the stairs! (P.S. Was she totally drunk?)

24
Anny
Oct 09, 2007

I just watched last night's episode. "I showed him all my special parts..." Yeah Solisa you sure did.

I've skipped watching the last few seasons but you have inticed me back. And Brad is the least smarmy bachelor I've seen.

25
Andrea Jolene
Oct 09, 2007

You had me at "it’s the disembodied high-pitched screaming that does it for me..." Shudder. Cringe...Biscuit anyone?