"I want this damn rose ceremony to happen and I want the people who suck to go home." -- Hillary From The Bachelor
Ah, Hillary, truer words were never spoken, were they? A sage for our time, that Hillary. A regular Eleanor Roosevelt. (Is that a fair comparison? I was trying to think of someone who got quoted a lot, and Eleanor Roosevelt sprang to mind. I daresay they will be quoting Hillary From The Bachelor at graduation ceremonies and christenings from here to eternity. In fact, I may start selling inspirational t-shirts and coffee mugs that say "I want the people who suck to go home." What do you think? They'll go like hotcakes, right?)
So here we are at Week Two of Secret Bachelor Tuesday Lite (it's lite! don't go away!), and I've decided the best way to handle these recaps is by....well, not making them recaps. That just gets awfully long, doesn't it? Instead, I propose we just cut right to the chase and make fun of people. And so I present to you:
A Brief Character Study Of The Type Of Girl Who Applies To Be On The Bachelor, AKA, Oh My God, Didn't They Realize Their Parents Would Be Watching?
Personality Trait #1: She Must Be Callous
In a moment that isn't meant to be funny, and yet somehow sort of can't help being really quite hilariously funny (it's the disembodied high-pitched screaming that does it for me, especially when all the other girls are in another part of the house, doing the booty dance), Michelle from New Jersey somehow manages to fall down the stairs. An ambulance is summoned to the scene. (Has there been a season of The Bachelor yet where an ambulance wasn't summoned to the scene? And couldn't we have seen a surprise guest appearance by Andy "Are you a paramedic? No, I'm a doctor!" Baldwin?)
When Michelle calls Brad on his cell phone to tell him the news, he is on a group date with some of the other girls. After he hangs up and tells them, hey, one of your roommates just fell down the stairs and now she has a mild concussion, they look sympathetic for, ooh, half a second. And then one of them sneers "she had a mild concussion and she was able to call you?"
Personality Trait #2: She Must Have A Terrible Sense Of Timing
Brad and a girl named (bizarrely) McCarten walk away from the other girls, after McCarten has rather abruptly requested some one-on-one time with him. They're talking about something inane, and then right in the middle of this talking---I mean, mid-word---McCarten leans forward and kisses Brad smack on the lips. Out of nowhere! And Brad....keeps talking. And McCarten...keeps trying to kiss him. And then Brad sort of wipes his mouth a little. It's all awfully, awfully awkward. Painfully so. And Brad says to the camera, "I can't lie. It wasn't good." And McCarten is outraged! "First you talk while we kiss, and then you wipe it off!" she says. Sadly, she just cannot understand why she was rebuffed.
Personality Trait #3: She Must Be Able To Be Bitchy And Yet Simultaneously Quite Subtle About It, Thus Ensuring That The Girls Don't Turn Against Her. Yet.
So there is a girl called Jade in the house, and she seems to be the queen of bitchy one-liners, but terribly passive-aggressive one-liners. She's that girl in high school who'd say "well, I wanted to be the one to tell you that EVERYONE is talking about how fat you look in those pants. I mean, I think you look great. But everyone else thinks you look like a whale. I just thought you'd want to hear it from me." Remember that girl? That girl is Jade. She says things like "there's a real division in the house: the classier girls versus ... the ones that went on today's date." (These girls, you see, wore bikinis. Apparently this makes them all two-bit hookers.)
Personality Trait #4: Hmm, Good Point, Actually: She Must Be A Two-Bit Hooker
A girl called Solisa wants Brad to know she is a free spirit. This is what she says. She says "I want Brad to see that I'm a free spirit." So how does Solisa intend to do this? By telling him about that one time she ran away with the gypsies? Fashioning him a tye-died macrame vest? Refusing to wear a watch because time is an evil invented by The Man? Wrong, wrong, wrong. "I want him to see that I'm a free spirit---and so I thought what better way than to make him take a body shot off me!" she proclaims proudly. Yes, ladies and gentleman---free spirits let strange men slurp tequila from their belly buttons. You heard it here first. Joni Mitchell, eat your heart out.
Solisa, I should mention, is a poor man's---a very, very poor man's, like the homeless man who smoked a crack pipe outside my house, THAT kind of poor man's---Angelina Jolie. She has the lips, she has the long dark hair. And whoopsadaisy, here we go, she even has the tatas! How do we know this? Because shortly after the body shot incident, Solisa whips her bikini top off in the hot tub and runs down the beach, screeching like a banshee. Everyone else stands there frozen, and damn, it's awkward. "Solisa showed me everything that she is," says Brad."Quite literally, actually." (I'm sort of starting to love him! You?) The other girls roll their eyes. "He didn't even look like he wanted to go see her naked" says one. And Solisa's reasoning for this wanton act of wickedness, this unneccessary half-strip? "Well, I knew the rose ceremony was coming up, and I thought....well, you gotta do what you gotta do."
Personality Trait #5: She Must Be A Tad Confused About Her Identity
But is Solisa a trashy trollop? Oh no, no, no, my dears. Solisa, as she tells Brad later very earnestly, is a good Christian girl with morals that need respecting. Taking her top off and letting strange men lick her navel are just her way of worshipping the Almighty, silly! "God made me who I am," she intones seriously. "I'm very comfortable with my body."
And I think we'd better finish Secret Bachelor Tuesday Lite here, before it gets so long that it stops being "lite" and starts venturing into "packed with calories and trans fat" territory. Besides, it's not even Tuesday, is it? I'm going to get slapped with a False Advertising suit if I keep this up for much longer. Oh well, at least it's still a secret: you, me, and the rest of the Internet. We'll never tell.