Secret Bachelor Tuesday, Back By (Reasonably) Popular Demand

From: Holly
To: Nathan, Alison
Are you watching?
From: Nathan
To: Holly, Alison
THE BACHELOR IS BACK. 956 ROSES!! 620 LIMOS!!! 1,789 SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES!!
From: Alison
To: Nathan, Holly
This show has really taught me the importance of not "dropping it while it's hot" on national television. Or ever.
From: Holly
To: Nathan, Alison
I'm sort of embarrassed that we're LIVE emailing during the premiere of the Bachelor. Aren't you? But nobody'll know. Well, unless I tell the Internet.
(Also, ew. Who would want to be Mrs. Brad WOMACK?)
From: Alison
To: Nathan, Holly
Mrs. Chuggin' Monkey
Mrs. Alison Chuggin' Monkey
Mrs. Monkey Womack
Mrs. Brad "Chuggin' Monkey" Womack
From: Nathan
To: Alison, Holly
Production assistant: I hate candles. I hate candles. If I have to light one more candle, I am going to light myself on fire.
Set designer: MORE CANDLES. WE NEED MORE F*CKING CANDLES.
From: Holly
To: Nathan, Alison
You know, at this point, Secret Bachelor Tuesday is just writing itself. I don't even need to watch the show, I'll just transcribe our emails. MUCH better.

From: Nathan
To: Alison, Holly
The unofficial Bachelor beverage (aka the She's Not In This For The Right Reasons-tini):
5 oz. champagne
2 oz. tequila (pronounced "ta kill ya")
3 oz. daddy issues
1 oz. amazing
1 oz. incredible journey
Garnish with a rose. Shake like crazy. Drink until incoherent.
Hey, Internet, you wanted Secret Bachelor Tuesday Lite, remember? Well, how's this for lite: a post that's a whole week late and composed solely of e-mails exchange over a ninety-minute period? Man, that's so lite even the Cool Whip is jealous.
I know, we'll make a list! That'll add some gravitas. Here we go.
Top Five Most Awesome Things That Were Said On Last Week's Premiere Of The Bachelor, Because Yes, I Have Only Watched The Premiere So Far, So Sue Me: 5. "My strategy is to not cry and not get drunk." -- Lori (Special Nothing But Bonfires Zing!: Wow, Lori, sounds like my weekends.)
4. "Let's meet the man everyone is calling our sexiest bachelor ever". -- Chris Harrison (Special Nothing But Bonfires Awful Realization: Ouch, Chris! How do you think that makes Andrew Firestone feel? Or Travis Stork? Or Byron Velvick? Oh my god, do you realize that I didn't have to Google any of their names? That I just knew them? And yet what has happened to Pythagoras' Theorem? The absolute ablative in Latin? AARON BUERGE HAS STOLEN THAT KNOWLEDGE FROM MY BRAIN. AND SHARED IT WITH ANDY BALDWIN.)
3. "Wow, they told me you were hot, but I didn't know I'd need a fire extinguisher!" -- Some nameless broad (Special Nothing But Bonfires Suggestion: Right, I would like all of us to try this line sometime this weekend. Say it to that curiously handsome guy half making eye contact with you at the bar. Say it to the FedEx man. Hell, say it to the woman making your sandwich at Subway. See how many sexual harassment codes you can violate in a single 48-hour period. Lines like this are just one of eight trillion reasons that The Bachelor is as far removed from real life as Paris Hilton is from the concept of collecting quarters for the washer and dryer and saving them up until Laundry Day.)
2. "I'm guessing you have a lot of money. Are you a millionaire? Wait, wait, why are you getting so uncomfortable? You're crawling out of your skin talking about money!" -- Chris Harrison (Special Nothing But Bonfires Note To Chris Harrison: Dude. Manners? What are you going to ask him next---who he voted for in the last election? Be cool, Chris. Be cool.)
1. "I think you should take your pants off." -- Some other nameless broad, in the pool, trying to be coy and really just being kind of a ho (Special Nothing But Bonfires Rueful And Patronizing Advice: Oh, honey. Your sorority sisters are never going to let you live that one down. Here, have another She's Not In This For The Right Reasons-tini. There you go, down the hatch.)
Right, that's Week One covered. (Lite enough for you?) Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a DVR-ed Week Two to dissect, and then the Grey's Anatomy premiere to watch, five days after the rest of the world. DON'T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS. (I'm guessing crying and great hair in both.)

1
Stara
Oct 03, 2007

Sadly, I can no longer bring myself to watch dating reality shows unless someone from my sorority is on them. And yes, that has happened more than once. Go Baylor Theta! Fortunately, I can still enjoy recaps.

2
Kristin
Oct 03, 2007

YAY!!!! SBTs are back!!! (Side note: When abbreviated, that almost resembles STDs. Maybe best to expend the extra energy and write it out.) Is it bad that I watched last night's episode on my computer from my magazine office while I was supposed to be editing a piece in the middle of a close week? I didn't think so. Besides, the EIC would totally understand when I told her my faulty DVR DID NOT TAPE The Bachelor last night...right?

3
Nothing But Bonfires
Oct 03, 2007

MY stupid DVR cut off the last three seconds of Grey's Anatomy -- you know, the part where George goes over to Izzy's house and then she opens the door and he says---------------------.

Well, who knows?

Actually, I do know, because I logged straight on to ABC.com and watched the last three seconds online. Sad, I know. While crying.

4
sgazzetti
Oct 03, 2007

For the first time ever, I can now say that I am totally behind the idea of 'Lite'.

5
D Phud
Oct 03, 2007

I stumbled upon your blog during last season (DR, did he mention he was a DOCTOR??? Andy Baldwin) because, frankly, I needed to discuss the Bachelor and all of my friends are too proud/ smart intellectual/ snobbish/ stubborn (take your pick) to watch it. My boyfriend suffers through it while I watch, but mostly he's online reading something about homebrewing. He will occasionally look up to comment on the fakeness of a certain woman's anatomy, laugh, personality, etc. So anyway, glad the blog is back on SBT.

One thing to watch for this season: Has anyone else noticed that Chris Harrison seems WAY too interested in Brad Womack? He keeps saying how sexy he is, keeps showing the steamy shower shot and saying how sexy he is, touching his knee, etc. And THEN, in a bad move on my part, I watched "Dancing With the Stars" and the two were there palling around together on that show too! Now, unlike the previous series when DOCTOR Andy Baldwin was going around on The View and such shows to say he was engaged and in love, but couldn't tell us about it yet, the current guy, Brad, just says, "I'm very happy with how it all turned out." Brad + Chris. This could be "The Biggest Twist in Bachelor History Ever!" OK, just something to watch for. That would actually make my day.

And after week 2- already they're all worried about who is there "for the right reasons." Fantastic.

6
gina in sc
Oct 03, 2007

OH I LIKE LITE!! way to change it up, Holly! what a compromise.

7
Mir
Oct 03, 2007

Dude, are you saving my AWESOME PREDICTION for later in the season, or are you forgetting the TENDER MOMENT we shared (via email) during the premiere??

8
Exiled to Canada
Oct 03, 2007

Perfect, love it lite!

9
Ms. Kitten
Oct 03, 2007

I don't even watch The Bachelor (I know!) but I definitely appreciate your Secret Bachelor Tuesdays!

10
Carrisa
Oct 03, 2007

Ha! Love the "She's not in this for the right reasons-tini" that's classic.

I also, have not watched this week's episode. The DVR lets me be so lazy.

11
Anna
Oct 03, 2007

Lite is lovely!

I'm thinking that I need to mix up a batch of She’s not in this for the right reasons-tinis for next week's episode, but I'm not sure they sell Incredible Journey at my liquor store.

12
aBd libbing
Oct 03, 2007

I like the Lite version, too, but at some point can you do a one-word description of the women who are left? I need to know who all the crazies are this season, especially now that I can no longer watch the show. (Just moved to the UK. Will abc.com work over here?)

13
Bethiclaus
Oct 03, 2007

Delurking to say that my personal favorite was the weird webbed-toe nameless broad. Hott.

14
Carol Snider
Oct 03, 2007

Aw, damn... I knew jet-lag would rear its ugly head at the worst possible moment! No, I'm not talking about my job interview at Microsoft yesterday (though that happened too...), I'm talking about falling asleep just moments before The Bachelor was to begin and waking up during the 11:00 news... the WEATHER, no less!

I don't need to know if he's good looking; I assume he is, in that "pretty boy Bachelor" way. But does he have any brain at all? Are any of the women even slightly brainy, like Tessa?

Carol

15
-R-
Oct 03, 2007

1. There was a bachelor named Byron Velvick???

2. My sister-in-law from Austin applied to work at that Monkey bar (heh, monkey bar) and said that the bachelor is much hotter in person. Just an FYI.

16
Katie
Oct 03, 2007

What was that ass thing that one girl was doing? And the drunken one? We need to switch off of lite and back to the full SBT. Because there is just soooooo much trash to discuss! Y'all's emails were hilarious, though!

17
Scarlett
Oct 03, 2007

Awesome emails! I cracked up with each one!

Should I admit that I have met "The Bach" personally? He is hotter in person and that extra long scruff isn't doing him favors. Also, he's pretty nice.

18
Erin
Oct 03, 2007

I'm just stopping by to say hello because we're supposed to de-lurk today, are we not? Anyway, I've been visiting your blog for the past month and have been greatly enjoying it. Also, you are gorgeous and your man compliments you nicely! You've got a new loyal reader!

19
superblondgirl
Oct 03, 2007

Hooray for Secret Bachelor various days of the week, late and not late!! God, I love this show and I've never seen a single episode.

20
DM
Oct 03, 2007

Today is delurker day? Really? I thought it was my nephew's birthday. Two great things, one day. Awesome.

Still can't bring myself to watch this show but really enjoy my SBT! Even the lite version.

What did George say? What? Not that I watch the show but you can only find out so much from commercials. I semi watch it (meaning: roommate watches while I am obsessively playing Age of Empires III). He's not going to screw up his marriage, is he? I love Izzy and all but his wife is so cool.

21
Virginia Gal
Oct 03, 2007

Delurking to say I traveled vicariously through you. I'm a all-inclusive, don't step foot off the resort except to arrive and depart kind of girl. No adventurous spirit myself, but really enjoy seeing others more exciting trips.

(never really been into any of the "reality" shows - except the single-shot ones on the Food Network - "build a six foot tower of fruit or cake in a day" type.)

22
Audrey
Oct 03, 2007

I don't even watch the bachelor, but I love Secret Bachelor Tuesdays.

23
Tracy27
Oct 03, 2007

Hail to Nathan and his SNITFTRR-tini (hey, even better if the initials are sounded out).

My brain can't regard the name Womack without twisting it in all sorts of pop-culturey ways - first Wolfmother ("Womack/You know you're a Womack/You got to be a Womack/I got the feeling of love!). Then, from deeper in the archives, Mike Myers' beat poetry in "So I Married An Axe Murderer": "Womack! Woe, Mack... Whoa, Mack."

24
georgia
Oct 03, 2007

The 'not dropping it like it's hot ever' line kinda stung for reasons I'd rather not state...okay fine, I drop it like it's hot when I've been drinking. It's what I do, it's who I am. There, I said it.

Great post, btw.

25
Nothing But Bonfires
Oct 03, 2007

I also think it's quite important to note that Nathan and Alison LIVE TOGETHER. So they were emailing each other FROM THE SAME HOUSE. I mean, at least I was a few blocks away for the live emailing.

26
Jen
Oct 03, 2007

Look... I am commenting :)

Your post today actually made me WANT to watch the Bachelor again. See I had forgotten that the most important reason to watch these programs is not because of idealistic romantic notions but rather to make fun of the entire thing.

Also, my goal everyday is not to get drunk and not to cry. Go Team Lori!

27
Miguelina
Oct 03, 2007

I've never watched the bachelor, but I love these posts like you wouldn't believe.

28
ie
Oct 03, 2007

Hello. ie from Las Vegas wishing you a happy MOFO!

I have no comments on the bachelor thing cuz I don't watch that show, but I enjoyed your post.

Have a great day!

29
Jummy
Oct 03, 2007

I'm a recovering Bachelor addict but it's Delurking Day and I am definitely a lurker on your site, Holly (feeling too uncool to comment on the blog of someone so posh I instantly feel extremely drab in comparison).

Anyhow, apparently Firestone is engaged! I just stumbled across this in my local minipaper, but I found a link online to this story too: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,298976,00.html

Enjoy!

30
Sheila
Oct 03, 2007

(Special Nothing But Bonfires Reader Appreciation: snort!)

31
gina in sc
Oct 04, 2007

Hey! delurking! xox

32
barbie2be
Oct 04, 2007

it might be just me, but frankly i thought and still do that andrew firestone is the hottest bachelor ever.

33
Colin
Oct 05, 2007

Dude, nobody remembers the absolute ablative.

...Stupid ablative. Sigh.

34
Kim
Oct 05, 2007

Love love love that Secret Bachelor Tuesdays are back! I am one of the few pitiful people without DVR, so I must live vicariously through SBT if I miss/fall asleep/forget about the BEST reality show ever. Thanks.