To: Nathan, Alison Are you watching?
To: Holly, Alison THE BACHELOR IS BACK. 956 ROSES!! 620 LIMOS!!! 1,789 SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES!!
To: Nathan, Holly This show has really taught me the importance of not "dropping it while it's hot" on national television. Or ever.
To: Nathan, Alison I'm sort of embarrassed that we're LIVE emailing during the premiere of the Bachelor. Aren't you? But nobody'll know. Well, unless I tell the Internet.
(Also, ew. Who would want to be Mrs. Brad WOMACK?)
To: Nathan, Holly Mrs. Chuggin' Monkey
Mrs. Alison Chuggin' Monkey
Mrs. Monkey Womack
Mrs. Brad "Chuggin' Monkey" Womack
To: Alison, Holly Production assistant: I hate candles. I hate candles. If I have to light one more candle, I am going to light myself on fire.
Set designer: MORE CANDLES. WE NEED MORE F*CKING CANDLES.
To: Nathan, Alison You know, at this point, Secret Bachelor Tuesday is just writing itself. I don't even need to watch the show, I'll just transcribe our emails. MUCH better.
To: Alison, Holly The unofficial Bachelor beverage (aka the She's Not In This For The Right Reasons-tini):
5 oz. champagne
2 oz. tequila (pronounced "ta kill ya")
3 oz. daddy issues
1 oz. amazing
1 oz. incredible journey
Garnish with a rose. Shake like crazy. Drink until incoherent.
Hey, Internet, you wanted Secret Bachelor Tuesday Lite, remember? Well, how's this for lite: a post that's a whole week late and composed solely of e-mails exchange over a ninety-minute period? Man, that's so lite even the Cool Whip is jealous.
I know, we'll make a list! That'll add some gravitas. Here we go.
Top Five Most Awesome Things That Were Said On Last Week's Premiere Of The Bachelor, Because Yes, I Have Only Watched The Premiere So Far, So Sue Me: 5. "My strategy is to not cry and not get drunk." -- Lori (Special Nothing But Bonfires Zing!: Wow, Lori, sounds like my weekends.)
4. "Let's meet the man everyone is calling our sexiest bachelor ever". -- Chris Harrison (Special Nothing But Bonfires Awful Realization: Ouch, Chris! How do you think that makes Andrew Firestone feel? Or Travis Stork? Or Byron Velvick? Oh my god, do you realize that I didn't have to Google any of their names? That I just knew them? And yet what has happened to Pythagoras' Theorem? The absolute ablative in Latin? AARON BUERGE HAS STOLEN THAT KNOWLEDGE FROM MY BRAIN. AND SHARED IT WITH ANDY BALDWIN.)
3. "Wow, they told me you were hot, but I didn't know I'd need a fire extinguisher!" -- Some nameless broad (Special Nothing But Bonfires Suggestion: Right, I would like all of us to try this line sometime this weekend. Say it to that curiously handsome guy half making eye contact with you at the bar. Say it to the FedEx man. Hell, say it to the woman making your sandwich at Subway. See how many sexual harassment codes you can violate in a single 48-hour period. Lines like this are just one of eight trillion reasons that The Bachelor is as far removed from real life as Paris Hilton is from the concept of collecting quarters for the washer and dryer and saving them up until Laundry Day.)
2. "I'm guessing you have a lot of money. Are you a millionaire? Wait, wait, why are you getting so uncomfortable? You're crawling out of your skin talking about money!" -- Chris Harrison (Special Nothing But Bonfires Note To Chris Harrison: Dude. Manners? What are you going to ask him next---who he voted for in the last election? Be cool, Chris. Be cool.)
1. "I think you should take your pants off." -- Some other nameless broad, in the pool, trying to be coy and really just being kind of a ho (Special Nothing But Bonfires Rueful And Patronizing Advice: Oh, honey. Your sorority sisters are never going to let you live that one down. Here, have another She's Not In This For The Right Reasons-tini. There you go, down the hatch.)
Right, that's Week One covered. (Lite enough for you?) Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a DVR-ed Week Two to dissect, and then the Grey's Anatomy premiere to watch, five days after the rest of the world. DON'T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS. (I'm guessing crying and great hair in both.)