Should They Stay Or Should They Go?

Well, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Brad Womack: the fine young stallion ABC has chosen for the newest season of The Bachelor, and a guy whom my friend Alison described as looking like "that Sigma Chi who'd slip a roofie in your drink when you weren't looking." I mean, is she right or is she right? I think she's right. You should also know that the guy happens to own a bar called The Chuggin' Monkey---please note the dropped "g" on "chugging" as I really think that's the classiest part---where I'm willing to bet that bespectacled blonde co-eds sit around reading Kant and drinking hot cocoa with skim milk while sedate young upperclassmen in argyle sweater vests adjust their monocles and challenge each other to a quiet game of chess. I mean, it just sounds like that sort of place, don't you think?

Oh look, there’s even a MySpace page! And as you can see, that's exactly what's going on!

So, The Bachelor is set to start again on September 24th, and truthfully, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, I'd like to reinstate Secret Bachelor Tuesdays---which started out during the Travis “No Top Lip” Stork season, and then continued with the Andy “No Top Lip” Baldwin season, sadly missing the intervening Prince Lorenzo Borghese season because I was traveling in Southeast Asia (although I’m willing to bet that he, too, had no top lip)---but the thing is this: they started out fun and then sort of got...less fun. This was mainly because each episode was only 60 minutes during Travis Stork's reign of shame, but then progressed to a slightly unbearable 90 minutes during the Andy Baldwin years. And when you're reading (and writing) about rose ceremonies and hot tubs and low-cut dresses, bitching and backstabbing and dumb-as-rocks contestants, 90 minutes is a lot of minutes. And that translates to a lot of words, many of which a lot of people (hello, sensible readers who don't watch The Bachelor! Good choice on your part!) don't really care about.

So since the Internet is a democracy and all---plus, I'm incapable of making a decision, like, seriously, not even about where I want to sit in a restaurant, it's sort of like a sickness---let's take a vote: keep Secret Bachelor Tuesdays and start them again for this new season---bearing in mind that they take an age to read (and write), and probably don't appeal to half the people who come to this site---or let them slink out slowly and quietly while they're still vaguely respected, sort of like Hugh Grant should have done a few movies ago? The choice is yours; please feel free to chime in.

A) Secret Bachelor Tuesdays, I'd like to get to know you better. Will you accept this rose?

B) Secret Bachelor Tuesdays, I'm just not feeling the connection. In fact, I don't think you're here for the right reasons. It's been an incredible journey, but I'm going to say goodbye. Here, let me escort you to the limo.

Don't get me wrong, I'm going to be watching either way. What, you thought I'd pass up the opportunity to see Brad Womack getting the women drunk on two Screwdrivers apiece and making them dance to 50 Cent on the bar of The Chuggin' Monkey? Are you kidding? I may not be able to make a decision, but I do have a soul.

Carol Snider
Aug 13, 2007
Aug 13, 2007

It's tempting, but I'm gonna go with B. The Bachelor annoys me and I only watched the last 2 episodes of this one season where the guy picked the brunette and my mom and I were like OMG YES because we liked her but then later he dumped her very soon after the show aired and she was all bitter ON TELEVISION INTERVIEWS and made things super uncomfortable and it was weird. *gasps for air*

Aug 13, 2007

Holly, I feel your ambivalence. Never seen the series myself and doubt I ever will. Your recaps are tea-snortingly funny for the first 2/3 of the season and then begin to pall a little. But IT'S NOT YOU, honest -- it's more a question of just how much of this drivel that you're forced to consume for our benefit, and the fact that the show goes on for about a month too long. So how about setting yourself a word limit? You know the Reduced Shakespeare Company, and similar outfits, that boil down the world's classics into bite-sized pieces of concentrated silliness? I challenge you (in the nicest possible way) to give us the 5-Minute Bachelor. What do you reckon?

Aug 13, 2007

A! I don't watch the show but I thoroughly enjoy your long and understandably late posts.

Aug 13, 2007


Aug 13, 2007

But I love Secret Bachelor Tuesdays! And I live in England so I can't even watch the show, but I don't have to, because your recaps are better than watching it!

Aug 13, 2007

A. Definitely. Your posts on them are way better than being forced to watch the show (though living in the UK I don't get the option). Please carry on with them, they're the only time in all my blog reading where I am forced to laugh out loud and spit coffee all over the floor or my keyboard.....

Aug 13, 2007

A! A!

I'm in the UK and we don't have The Bachelor and so I live vicariously through your retellings which seem funnier than the real thing anyway. In recompense I shall be happy to mail you junkfood of your choice to get you through the rose ceremonies.

Aug 13, 2007

A please, but only if you want..... i don't get to watch it here either....

Aug 13, 2007

I'm also from the UK and also enjoy reading your posts in the absence of watching the episode. In fact, I found your blog and signed up for RSS feed BECAUSE of you tea-through-nose-snortingly hilarious posts about a tv programme I have never seen. Please do keep the recap coming.

Aug 13, 2007

I'm gonna have to go with B. I enjoy your writing and would prefer to read something that you actually enjoyed writing! (Plus, not a HUGE fan of the Bachelor)

Aug 13, 2007

A. I never watched a single episode, (can't, abroad) but I read all your posts, from beginning to end, with mounting glee. I hate to admit I'm so easy to please, content-wise, but well, you're amazingly funny. But don't feel obliged to to write quite so much; we don't want to take too much time away from your own life.

Aug 13, 2007

Can we compromise here please? Go on and write about the Bachelor if you feel up to it, don't if you don't. But please please also write about other things in between, because its nice to have a bit of both! ....So, option C: 'All of the above'?

Aug 13, 2007

A. I didn't watch it, but I read your recaps anyway. Loved them, in fact.

Aug 13, 2007

B for me, but I won't ditch you from my reading list if you keep them...though I will keep skipping the Bachelor-related entries.

gina in sc
Aug 13, 2007

what? why are all these people putting B??? i am getting scared. what if there is no bachelor tuesday (or thurs-whatev!!) ? who will revel in its ridiculous-ness with me??? HOLLY. hear me!! your readers (the TRUE ones) NEED THE RECAP.

so A. A. A. A.

(do i sound too desperate?)

Aug 13, 2007

Well, if you're going to be watching anyhow, i totally vote A. I never actually watch the show, but i'm slightly addicted anyhow because of your recaps.

Aug 13, 2007

I vote A. B/c I am selfish, I might otherwise be forced to *gasp* watch it...and I don't want that. You're writing is typically more enjoyable, however feel free to go with the 5 minute bachelor challenge if you like...I like the long drawn out version myself but understand that makes you re-live the show and you had to sit through it once....really, how much can we ask of you?

ms. spinach
Aug 13, 2007

A! A! I seriously love Secret Bachelor Tuesdays. Though if you wanted to mix it up a bit and recap some other ridiculous show (The Two Coreys?), I could support that decision as well.

Aug 13, 2007


But it looks like I'll be out-voted. I can't resist reading your posts, but second-hand Bachelor is nearly as painful as the real thing.



And thank you for using the word co-ed.

Aug 13, 2007

A! I need your recaps. I can't sit and watch the whole hour, but I love/need your recaps!


Aug 13, 2007


Aug 13, 2007

I like to see that Dutch up there still wants Secret Bachelor Tuesdays (Wood? Is that you?)--I for one could go either way...your recaps are hilarious, but I understand the tedium of recapping 90 tedious (at times) minutes. I say you go with A.1--Secret Bachelor Tuesdays in 500 words or less!

Aug 13, 2007

A! I love you recaps and I don't watch the show.

Aug 13, 2007

B -- I like reading Holly's writing and NOT feeling compelled to go to the Web site of a bad show just to see the glamour shots of sad, aimless women who have fallen prey to reality TV. And then I PERSIST IN NOT WATCHING THE SHOW but reading the updates because they show up on my RSS.

(I think that both says a lot for 1) how bad the show is, and 2) how good Holly's writing is.)

Aug 13, 2007

A! A! A!

I've never seen the Bachelor, and I don't have to because YOU DO IT FOR ME in a hilarious fashion. Please write.

I have a suggestion. You could write comments WHILE you watch, so it's not a burden to write.

I so hope A wins!

Aug 13, 2007

I have to follow my heart -- Secret Bachelor Tuesdays with full-length recaps, will you please accept this rose?

Aug 13, 2007

A! The show is awful, but your recaps are hilarious!

Aug 13, 2007

A! I pick A! with all my heart!

Aug 13, 2007

Definitely A. I think I found your site b/c of these recaps, they're hysterical!

I'll toss my vote in for the 5 min Bachelor or 500 words or less challenge? If only for your sanity.

Aug 13, 2007

I watch the show (and will be paying extra attention this season as I live in Austin, home of the Chuggin' Monkey and 4 other equally refined bars also owned by this season's bachelor!) and I LOVE your secret bachelor whenever posts!

Aug 13, 2007

A. At least until you've discovered what they've done with his top lip. Then all bets are off and will depend entirely on whether it's an amazing electric connection for such an incredible journey toward a fairy tale ending with a Prince Charming and whether everyone is in it for the right reasons.

JB at Twice Five Miles
Aug 13, 2007

Hmmm. Is there an option A-lite? I can tell that writing them is really wearing on you, but also they've gotten a lot longer too. I think someone mentioned a word limit, maybe that is the best way to go.

Aug 13, 2007

B, but I'd feel bad for all those ladies in the UK who would be missin' (

Aug 13, 2007

Like many of the commentors, I too enjoy your recaps despite not having watched the show since Season 1. But if the recaps are becoming a chore to write, I totally vote B. Even TWOP gave up on this show long ago because it was too tedious.

Aug 13, 2007

A! Don't listen to Alison. He looks like a creep, sure, but isn't that half the point?!

Besides, just think of the material you'll have. The show will be like putty in your rapier's wit's hands.

Aug 13, 2007

A. Sorry Holly. More work for you. I watch the damn show and even let my 9 year old son (well, some nights he has to leave the room),and we watch very little TV in general. Sad, that that is one we watch, isn't it? So, I really need to read your recaps because you see how stupid it is, yet still watch as well. I need the affirmation.

Elizabeth Z.
Aug 13, 2007

Delurking to cast my vote for option A. I've been reading your blog for a long time thanks to the lovely folks at Sweet Juniper and the Secret Bachelor Whenever-They-Happens are one of my favorite features here.

Aug 13, 2007

As much as it pains me, I actually vote A. BUT, I think a weecap version (TM Television Without Pity) would definitely suffice - No need to write 1000 words (or more) on the obnoxious frat boys who refuse to grow up that we have all had the displeasure of knowing at some point in our lives. (That was a long sentence. And? I am apparently a big fan of parentheses today.)

Exiled to Canada
Aug 13, 2007

A., I don't watch the show but enjoy the recaps. Maybe you could make it a bit more bearable for yourself by only recapping at significant points, like the first show, when he's narrowed it down to 2-3 I mean contestants, and the finale?

Aug 13, 2007

The only reason I started watching the show was because of Secret Bachelor Tuesday... so you see? You owe it to me to keep up with the SBTs.

My vote is for A. =)

Aug 13, 2007

A! A A A A A! It's because of Secret Bachelor Tuesdays that I started watching again, after a several-year-long hiatus. And if Secret Bachelor Tuesdays ceased to exist, I would probably STOP watching. Could you really live with yourself, knowing that you had personally contributed to the demise of my Incredible Journey with The Bachelor? ;)

Okay, in all seriousness, if writing the super-long recaps is wearing on you, I could (possibly) survive without them. They're just so dang fun to read, though!

Aug 13, 2007

This is completely selfish of me, but I must vote A. I can't allow myself to sit through 90 minutes a week of that, but I thoroughly enjoy the Holly's Notes version. Like a pee my pants kind of funny enjoy.

Aug 13, 2007

I like the A minus idea.

Aug 13, 2007

A! A! A!

Aug 13, 2007


Aug 13, 2007

yes, of course i will accept this rose!

Aug 13, 2007

Holy comments, batman.

I'm leaning towards an option of my own: C) I haven't really had a chance to get to know you, Secret Bachelor Tuesdays, but I feel there can be a real connection so I'm going to keep you around. Will you accept this non-committal rose?

As in, you don't have to commit to writing about each and every episode. But since you'll be watching anyway, if you feel compelled to write about one, I'm sure we would all enjoy reading the post and snorting our coffee because damn, no one recaps quite like you do.

Aug 13, 2007

I'm okay admitting I pick A with absolutely no conflict whatsoever. Although I am new to the site, so I'm new to the feature, but still: A, A, A!

Also, I thought Two Weeks Notice was one of the cutest movies ever.

And, because I have no shame: I was in Austin this weekend for a bachelorette party and we stopped in another bar Brad (the bach) co-owns (not the Chuggin' Monkey, but another) and although he was, of course, still filming and not there, his twin brother was working the door. And, sadly, we squealed and asked for pictures.

See, I'm all sorts of lame. And pathetically proud to be.

Aug 13, 2007

I love your recaps, Holly!

However, I totally understand how time-consuming writing those must I say either way, I'll be happy. Happy and noncommittal.

Aug 13, 2007


As soon as I read "Chuggin Monkey" I got a pit in my stomach. I knew he was an Austinite. First MTV puts the lamest bar on 6th Street all over television with Real World, now this.

And yes, he does look like the roofie-toting fratty. Hopefully he proves us wrong...

Aug 13, 2007

Well, you know I just want to shout "A! A! A! A! aaaaA!" as I felt drawn to this blog by something BIGGER than just us when I discovered Secret Bachelor Tuesdays. I mean, the connection, it was so... like, REAL, you know? And I've stayed through this journey and bonded with NBB in a way that just feels like DESTINY. It was MEANT TO BE.

But, because I, too, have a soul, I'll reluctantly vote B. I can't make you love writing SBT as much as I love reading SBT. You know what they say, right? "If you love something, set it free..."

Perhaps this is goodbye, Secret Bachelor Tuesdays. I hope you find your way back here, somehow, somewhere, someday...

Aug 13, 2007


Aug 13, 2007

I'm going to go with A. I think this new guy is going to present you with endless mocking opportunities.

Aug 13, 2007

B. Please, please, please, B.

Aug 13, 2007

Please, Holly! If you don't write about it, I will actually have to watch it so I can feel some kind of connection to the pop culture world. If you blog about it, I can read your blog, then fake it 'til I make it with the people who glue themselves to the TV for that show.

Aug 13, 2007

A all the way. Thank you either way though - you're brilliant and very much appreciated.

Aug 13, 2007

As a single woman, all I can say is.... better single than with THAT guy. Ick. Would love to hear the replay every week though (since I'm not going to be watching).

Aug 13, 2007

A!! I will totally accept this rose, but I reserve the right not to put out in the hot tub during a group date. Because I'm klassy that way.

Aug 13, 2007


I most definitely vote for A - and I'm a doctor. (That just doesn't get said enough now that Andy B is off TV). You kept me in hysterics while I was in Africa and couldn't get the show (yes, internet access but, alas, no Bachelor). So keep up the excellently funny (and I vote for full-length) posts. I hereby promise to make fewer parenthetical comments in our future journeys, but remember - I'm a doctor.

Aug 13, 2007

A! I don't watch the show but I LOVE your recaps.

Aug 13, 2007


Aug 13, 2007

This has been my toughest decision yet, because I feel a real connection with both options.

I'm with Gina! I stopped watching a few seasons ago, but when I stumbled across SBT as the Andy Baldwin freak show was drawing to a close I couldn't resist tuning back in. And now I'm hooked!

But, you know, no pressure.

Aug 13, 2007

B. Screw The Bachelor. Start watching Rock of Love on VH1. It's just like The Bachelor, except with booze, pole dancing, and cat fights. Gloriously trashy!

Aug 13, 2007

B, absolutely. Or, A---. I always skip the "Bachelor" entries; also, it seems that when those entries appear, others are few and far between, which is what really bothers me (that is, I wouldn't so much mind skipping them if plenty of other stuff were also appearing). If you must keep recapping, I strongly agree with those suggesting length limitations.

Aug 13, 2007


Keep posting your summaries. I don't watch the show, and I can't imagine it actually being as entertaining as reading your thoughts after each episode.

Plus, "secret bachelor tuesday" is in your meta. It would be an unfortunate thing for someone to use that search term and not find entries from the most recent season here.

Aug 13, 2007

i don't even watch the bachelor half the time, but i like your recaps!

Aug 13, 2007

A. For the love of two, maybe three PUBLIC ACCESS channels I have in Germany - please keep up the recaps. Chuggin' Monkey? I have to see how much mileage you get out of that. That said, if you don't wanna recap, no sweat.

Aug 13, 2007

Completely in Camp B on this one.

Aug 13, 2007

I'm torn. On the one hand, I started watching The Bachelor again solely because of your recaps. On the other hand, I started watching The Bachelor again solely because of your recaps.

Aug 13, 2007

A! or A lite, the shorter version. I've never watched the show, and never plan to, but your recaps are a joy.

Aug 13, 2007

I think the only thing that could possibly improve the Bachelor is having you blog about it. So A, please!

Aug 13, 2007

If you're going to watch it anyway... you might as well recap it.


Can I send you chocolate or something to induce you? Although with this bachelor, perhaps I should send you a round of Jager Bombs (which, according to The Chuggin Monkey's myspace are a pittance at $3)?

Nothing But Bonfires
Aug 13, 2007

Jager Bombs! I KNEW I could've thought of a better drink than Screwdrivers.

Aug 13, 2007

Oh, please, please, please A A A!! For the love of hot tubs and connections, please keep the recaps. I would be lost without you. And so would my friends.

Aug 13, 2007

I love your recaps. I don't watch the show and thanks to you, I don't have to. Besides, I can't imagine the show would compare to your writeups here.

And if you're going to be watching anyway, please do continue.


Thespian Libby
Aug 13, 2007

Oh please don't put yourself through this again!!! B. Totally and completely B!

Aug 13, 2007

I have to vote A. I can't watch every episode all the way through, but if you're planning to watch anyway, I do love your recaps. Although I have no idea how you manage to watch with so much attention to names and details, if it were up to me I'd list their names like, 'The slutty one' and 'The less annoying but still kind of dumb, really' girl. So we would understand if you got fed up with the whole bit and said "Watch it yourselves!" :)

Aug 14, 2007

I'm torn. I did love the re-caps a couple seasons ago, when the episodes were only 60 minutes, but recently it started to feel more like homework. And for some reason, when I read them I feel compelled to watch the show, and the 90 minute episodes KILL me. I'm going B. But I would love it if there was a new regular installment to take its place.

Chaos Control
Aug 14, 2007

A! A! A!

I must admit that I missed a few episodes last season because I couldn't bear to watch it, but I also couldn't wait to read your updates!!! So, A, A, A!!!!

Aug 14, 2007

I must must must vote A. It really helped my girls and I stay current during the odd weeks when we weren't able to watch. I had never seen The Bachelor before the Andy Baldwin years, and you kept me holding on week after painful week.

Aug 14, 2007

A, please. i love your recaps, but then again, i also love the bachelor. and it is sadly true that prince lorenzo borghese was also curiously devoid of a top lip. i cannot tell if our newest prince has a lip or not, as his hideous goatee is masking his (probable) deficiency.

Aug 14, 2007

A. I don't have a TV, and yes, I could watch it online, but reading your comments are just so much more fun. I'd say start with it and see how long you last :)

Aug 14, 2007

A. I don't watch it anymore either but LOVE your recaps.

Aug 14, 2007

"I mean, is she right or is she right?"

She's right. With an Eau de Seacrest thrown in. And my vote is for B. But maybe A. You can make the most mundane insteresting. Oh God, where's the undecided option?

Katie (The Yap)
Aug 14, 2007

A! A! A! A! You MUST MUST MUST continue. In fact, last season I started watching again because of SBT. Seriously. I did. I always watched every other year, but I quit and then you brought me back. And, I didn't even see the episode about the phobia of people walking on carpets with thin socks, but I still crack up out loud every time I think about it. And, I only read about it here. I am on my knees and begging.

Katie (The Yap)
Aug 14, 2007

P.S. Even if you only write a three paragraph teeny tine SBT, I will be happy.

Katie (The Yap)
Aug 14, 2007

Wait. Why can't the B people just not read the recaps? What the hell?

Aug 14, 2007

Wow. The number of comments is giving serious competition to the grilled cheese sandwich post!

I'm going to go with B on this one. Yes, I could (and sometimes do) avoid the recaps but I enjoy reading your blog and don't want to not read it. Besides, don't we all know how it's going to end? This guy will have no top lip and he'll choose the more-wrong woman.