Going All The Way

Dear Barry Bonds,

Thank you. No really, thank you. In fact, come here, you big hunk of love, and let me give you a hug. Now that you've hit the home run that broke Hank Aaron's record---and you did it in San Francisco, god bless you, sir!---I can finally have my boyfriend back.

Our life for the last few weeks, you see, had been all about you: when you might hit that winning home run, and whether or not Sean would be there to see you do it. As such, the man bought tickets to pretty much every game you played in San Francisco over the latter half of July and the first half of August. At first, he invited his friends to accompany him to these games, and even his long-suffering girlfriend, who he figured was (ahem) game for a game or two. But we haven't lived here particularly long, Barry Bonds, and we don't know that many people. So Sean soon ran out of friends who had even a passing interest in spending their evenings shivering in the nosebleed seats, feigning an in-depth knowledge of the bunting rule.


We're talking several nights in a row here, you know: several nights in a row of stadium beer and $7 hot dogs for dinner, several nights in a row of being an absentee parent to our cats, several nights in a row of "ooh, let me just check how much a ticket might cost, oh, go on then, I might as well, you can cover me next month for the rent, can't you?" When you hit the penultimate home run in San Diego over the weekend, Barry Bonds, the one before the one that broke the record, Sean's world crumbled just a little with the unfairness of it all. "I should have been there!" he cried. "I should have been in San Diego! WHY DIDN'T I FLY TO SAN DIEGO? WHY WASN'T I THERE?"

I stroked his hair and said "there, there, little one; you'll be there for the one that matters." In this way, I consigned myself to another week's worth of cheese and crackers for dinner (why cook when there's only one of you to cook for?) and lonely evenings alone on the couch with only the Home & Garden television network for company---well, and sometimes Jemima when she dropped by so we could paint our toenails, eat guacamole, and talk about boys while watching Dirty Dancing. (Again. Because once each in 1987, 1989, 1991, 1993, 1994, 1998, and 1999 just wasn't enough. You know how it is; that Patrick Swayze is like a goddamn magnet.)

Really, Barry Bonds, it was a pretty heavy situation. I was in danger of becoming a baseball widow---will this man ever hit this home run? I used to ask myself, I mean, like, ever?---but you finally put an end to that tonight. You saved me from a lifetime of Designed To Sell marathons, possible scurvy, and having to explain to the cats where that man who feeds them had disappeared to and why he always came back with peanut shells in his hair. So thank you. Thank you, Barry Bonds, for the home run that gave me my boyfriend back.

Forever in your debt,

PS: But seriously, couldn't you have done it, like, two weeks ago?

Aug 08, 2007

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I, too, won't have to hear about it anymore. Even though my boyfriend is not a Bond's fan, I've been reprieved from the steroid jokes and what not now. Honey, I feel your pain.

Aug 08, 2007

I suppose in spite of my anger that he did (he's juicing I tell you! he should not count!) I can be somewhat happy that you have your man back.

Aug 08, 2007

Oh I am so sick of hearing abut it too.

My husband was there last night and had to call me after the homerun so I could know it happened. he may have even called it an historic occasion. Luckily all the screaming drowned out my laughter ;-)

Aug 08, 2007

Ms. Burns,

Are you purposefully taunting us with the cliffhanger bit, instead giving us some baseball tale? I am ever glad you have your man back, but what with the ghosts? So uncool.

Aug 08, 2007

I thought of you this morning when I heard the news on NPR! I thought about your posting that Sean had been to an outrageous number of baseball games, and realized why he was going. Yeah, I'm slow on the uptake, particularly when it comes to baseball: my least favorite sport.

Aug 08, 2007

I personally am surprised that you've only watched Dirty Dancing seven times. I swear I probably watch it at least twice a year. Every year. Since 1987.

Aug 08, 2007

I just recently discovered your blog, and I love it! I've bookmarked it and can't wait to read more. In the meantime, I'm so glad that your boyfriend has been released from him enslavement to Barry Bonds. Here's hoping that your life can get back to normal now!

Aug 08, 2007

As soon as I heard that Mr. Bonds had been so kind as to hit that last damn home run - I thought to myself "I wonder if Cute Sean was at the game to see it". Then I realized that I said it out loud and my husband wondered out loud to me "Who the hell is Cute Sean?" and then much explaining about blogs, the blogs I like, NBB, etc ensued. He left this morning muttering about not enough to do, get a real damn job, blah, blah, blah and then I closed the door so that I wouldn't hear anymore of the muttering.

I will make him his favourite dinner and pour the man a glass of wine and he will forget all about the musings of his blog-reading wife!

So glad that Sean was there to see it and that the cats now have their dad back again!

Nothing But Bonfires
Aug 08, 2007

PS: I feel I should tell you all (in case you were worried) that that will be the LAST TIME I ever link to ESPN. Rest assured: you will find no more sports talk on my blog after this.

Aug 08, 2007

I would have to respectfully ask that you use an asterisk when discussing the home run record. Here in Milwaukee, we have a saying:

"Hey, Barry-- Hank did it on hot dogs and beer!"

Hope I'm not raining on the parade for Sean, it's just that we're protective of Hammerin' Hank around here.

Sean's mom
Aug 08, 2007

Just imagine if you and Sean lived in NY, he would have been at every home game, waiting to see A-Rod hit his 500th. This just goes to show that the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree. Last Saturday, I was in my office, and Sean’s dad called loudly for me to come, so I went to see what was the matter, and he said to me ”A-Rod just hit his 500th home run.” So both of my sons get their love of baseball from their dad (me too, but my team is not the Yankees.)
Is Sean going to tonight’s game, seeing as he has tickets?
Take care and say Hi to Charlie and Sadie for me.

Sean's mom
Aug 08, 2007

Actually, my love of baseball came from MY dad.

Aug 08, 2007

Hahaha! Hilarious post, I can identify on sooo many levels (used to date a man overly obsessed with the Chicago Cubs… The Cubs who never win -a sad and constantly pathetic obsession to someone who has no real interest in baseball.)

Aug 08, 2007

Hey, it's awsome that he got to see it live. As a big baseball fan, I can apprecaite the excitement of the event despite loathing Bonds.

It's even awesomer that you have your man back!

Aug 08, 2007

I was standing at the tv - mouth agape - when I saw them POLICE ESCORTING the dude that CAUGHT the ball out of the stadium.

Aug 08, 2007

Ahem. BASEBALL? You tease us with the promise of Your First Vaguely Supernatural Experience, Though Doubtless It Could Probably Be... eh, you know the rest, and you post about BASEBALL? :) Is this supposed to be a clue of some sort? Did you see the spirit of Babe Ruth? Did the ghosts of the numerous pigs/cows/whatever/I don't want to think about it, actually that were involved in the making of Sean's numerous $7 hot dogs come back to haunt him? I must know!!

Nothing But Bonfires
Aug 08, 2007

Second part of the ghost story to come soon, I promise! I just HAD to send this urgent missive to Mr. Barry Bonds. One must never neglect a thank you note, you know.

Aug 08, 2007

Is this where I praise the baseball gods that my husband doesn't care about baseball? That he loves hockey and don't keep him from his football, but that at least one sports season a year we are free to DATE at night?!

So glad you got your date back. :) Glad for the cats too.

Aug 08, 2007

Glad you've finally got him back! I'm so glad my husband isn't a sports fanatic.

Aug 08, 2007

bonds schmonds....there are more important things to discuss. have you seen this?

Nothing But Bonfires
Aug 08, 2007

Oh yes, Liz. Oh yes, I have. We have much to discuss. Trust me, I'm all over it like a date on prom night. (Though not if HE was the date in question, that's for sure.)

Aug 08, 2007

I'm so mad. We were in SF Monday night and left Tuesday at noon (my first time visiting, spontaneous road trip) and then he hit it THAT NIGHT. The bastard. haha. I'm glad you have your boy back.

Andrea Jolene
Aug 08, 2007

Wait wait wait. Great letter and I'm happy you have your manfriend back - but I'm eagerly awaiting the sequel to the ghost story!! It's not one of those previews that get me all excited and then say "Coming Summer 2010" is it?

Pam in SC
Aug 09, 2007

Despite the Bonds' controversy, I would love to have been there. I completely understand Sean's obsession (sorry, Holly).

My question is to Sean's Mom, who IS your favorite team? I'm glad it's not the Yankees.

Sean's mom
Aug 09, 2007

To Pam in SC,

Believe it or not, I am a fan of the Boston Red Sox, and it does get interesting.

Aug 09, 2007

Oh! Now I love Sean's Mom.

Pam in SC
Aug 09, 2007

Sean's Mom,

Having grown up in northeast Ohio, I am an Indians fan. But once they are eliminated from the playoffs (when they make it that far!), I suddenly become a Red Sox fan! Funny how that happens almost every year...

Aug 10, 2007

Oh! Too bad we don't live in San Fransisco. Sean and my husband could be best friends forever, happily shivering together in the nosebleed.

And we could just go get some wine.