I Have A Sharpie And I'm Not Afraid To Use It

When the old Dooce got her car broken into a few weeks ago, I read the hundreds and hundreds of comments from people sharing their own stories about how their cars got broken into, and my first thought was "wow, that's nice, I bet it makes you feel better to commiserate and know that the same thing has happened to other people too." My second thought was "hot damn, a lot of people sure have had their cars broken into. These odds don't look very good."

Well, knock me down with a feather and make me a professor of statistics, because as of this morning, I have joined the masses. Some fine upstanding citizen of San Francisco went up and down my street last night, smashing car windows, reaching his hand in to undo the door locks, and climbing in to help himself to all the grubby nickels and half-empty packs of gum and two-year-old mix CDs people leave in their cars---you know, the really good stuff.

Sean came in to break the news to me this morning, and he said "well, at least they were considerate; they only broke the small triangular window on the passenger side, rather than the big one." And because I am now such a veteran of car break-ins---honestly, I learned more from the comments on Dooce than during my entire time in university, not that they taught us how to break into cars or anything (well, alright then, only cars that had first-edition copies of Leaves of Grass sitting on the back seat, and only so we could examine the correct pentameter of the rhyme)---I had to break his sweet little bubble by telling him that, no matter how we sensitive San Francisco types like to think the best of people, car thieves only break that triangular window because it's quieter and calls less attention to their crime.

Anyway, I feel angry and violated and really sort of grossed out that someone was going through all my stuff, even if my stuff is only a few pens, a pair of cheap sunglasses, and a cooler. I'm livid that someone would deliberately destroy something that wasn't theirs, would see my perfectly innocuous, inoffensive little car---which I'm still making payments on, by the way, and which I pay a fortune insuring every month, THOUGH RARELY DRIVE---and decide to ruin it for me, just in case I happened to have a buck in there that they could exchange for some crack.

Worst of all, I just feel so powerless. My car's sitting out there now with a dorky little piece of cardboard over the smashed window---the vehicular equivalent of having a piece of scotch tape over the bridge of your glasses to hold them together---and not only does having a piece of cardboard over the window make me look like the sort of person who thinks he's being fancy when he shops at the Wal-Mart rather than the Dollar Store, but it also leaves the car wide open to any other third-rate criminals who might want to have a poke around inside while I wait for the car repair shop man to celebrate the Fourth of July.

Justice! I want justice! But what can I do? Well, nothing, really. The angry person raging at my core is so incensed that she wants to march out there right now and put a sign on the window that just says (Sean's mom, please cover your ears) FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCKERS. Because that should show them, wouldn't it? Yeah! A really angry sign.

1
Alice-Anne
Jul 04, 2007

I say go for it. You might feel better and after all it is San Francisco- they've probably seen it before.

Damn. I'd be livid.

2
Daily Tragedies
Jul 04, 2007

You tell them!

I am the proud owner of a bumper with noticeably less paint on it, thanks to my trip to the city this weekend. Sigh.

3
jess
Jul 04, 2007

Oh, I love "hot damn"!

I said it before and I'll say it again: there is something to say for moving to Martha's Vineyard where a stolen bike still makes front page news! Can you believe that I even leave the keys in my unlocked car at night, as well as my pocket book and phone? What a big contrast with living in Amsterdam, where I had a similar sign in the car to warn crackheads that "this car is empty, you FFFF's!" Not that THAT stopped them. Instead they took my 4 wheels and the complete back seat, which I later happen to notice under the bridge near our house with homeless people sleeping on it!

4
Cait
Jul 04, 2007

Back in college, I had my old Jeep broken into. It was parked in this little lot surrounded on all sides by dorms. Unfortunately the burglar, who took off with a collection of over 300 CDs, set off the security alarm on the car. It woke up all of the people in the surrounding dorms and continued for over three hours until they determined that I was the owner of the car and had me come turn it off.
I had people angry at ME for that one.

5
LyndaL
Jul 04, 2007

I feel your pain. My car was broken into once and a hand-held CB radio stolen (before mobile phones were invented - it was our emergency contact in case of breakdown on windy moors. What? It would have worked...) Police just shrugged and said nothing they could do. My husband (who may be related to you by the sounds of it) would not accept that and managed to locate the missing CB for sale in the local second hand *cough stolen goods cough* shop. I'd love to say the police then swung into action but....ermm.... nothing happened. We got the CB back. Minus its batteries. Not quite sure what the point of this was now! Sympathy! That was it.......

6
Sean's mom
Jul 04, 2007

Thank you, Holly, for telling me to cover my ears. I needed that laugh this morning. Please give Sean a hug and kiss for me today.

7
Thespian Libby
Jul 04, 2007

So so sorry about the car. I don't think that sort of behavior happens here in Stepford Village. However, shouldn't you be forgetting about thieves and riff raff (should that be hyphenated? Don't you have a birthday party to attend? Happy Birthday to Sean!

8
Thespian Libby
Jul 04, 2007

Oops. Forgot to close my parentheses. Mea culpa.

9
Horrible Warning
Jul 04, 2007

My sympathy for the day: Over the years, I've had two cars stolen (both recovered, but with that icky, someone else has been sleeping in my bed feeling about them) and one broken into, for the crappy cassette playing boom box on the back floor board (that one was in 1990, but it still smarts).

Fuck the fucking fuckers. Yep, that about sums it up.

10
smoness
Jul 04, 2007

The same thing happened to me - broke the small, triangular window, reached in and opened the door to all that change and whatever else they could get their grubby hands on. I have never felt so violated in my life. He/She was there for a long time, as everything had been rummaged through (had some recently developed photos of friends and family in the glove compartment and they flipped through all of them!); and it even seemed that he/she had taken the time to sleep in my vehicle for a short while. Like all that theft really wears a person out. I was so disgusted, I could barely touch the steering wheel. -- Got the window fixed that day and immediately had the inside cleaned.

Long story short, my sympathies are with you.

11
Lauren
Jul 04, 2007

I feel your pain. It does make you feel violated to know someone went through all your stuff and judged what they felt was worthy of taking and then leave you the rest. My crappy 1995 Saturn was broken into a few years ago while I was in college. All they could find of any value was the cd player (which barely worked after a Dr Pepper can exploded in my car due to the Texas heat earlier that summer). What really made me mad was they broke my driver side window in the middle of a horrible rainstorm and then emptied my glove box contents and scattered them all over the car. Years later it still makes me mad.

12
Maya
Jul 04, 2007

Have been very lucky thus far, no break-ins, but one of our old tenants' cars was rifled through (thank goodness her window was down, they just reached in) for the following:

$0.86, a tiny Swiss army knife and some trash. That's what they TOOK. Trash. Becaaaauuuse?

So sorry to hear about that, hope they can fix it fast. FFFF's indeed!

13
heidikins
Jul 04, 2007

Oooh, do it! My car got broken into once; windows smashed everywhere, radio (crap radio) ripped out of my dashboard, everything shuffled around and in a general state of disaray. It was late at night, it was dark, the street was empty and full of dark places that psycho's could hide... it was terrifying. Ugh, thank heavens for Sean.

14
shannon in oregon
Jul 04, 2007

Years ago we had our trunk lid and right front fenger stollen. Inside the car's cabin (I suppose that is what you would call it) untouched. They did steal a great tool kit though...but the trunk lid?!?

15
Adele
Jul 04, 2007

Sidenote: Sean's mom is so lovely.

(sorry about the car)

(oh and I meant to post before about the wedding - hot damn 'the accidental' looks even better on....)

16
jaz
Jul 04, 2007

Awful.

That happened to me way back when in the days when I lived in the land of the ice and snow.

Bloody buggers kicked my stereo right out of the dashboard.

17
Sarah
Jul 05, 2007

Definitely do the sign. I'm sorry this has happened to you. Bastards they are.

18
bohemiangirl
Jul 05, 2007

Ah! Holly! That sucks sweaty goat balls. Sorry for your misfortune. The saying around here (Annapolis Valley, Nova Scotia) is that you only lock your doors during harvest time, otherwise you might end up with a car full of zucchini.

19
Skeezix
Jul 05, 2007

Damn, that royally sucks it.

I still get riled up when I think about the time my crappy ass 1989 Ford Escort was broken into in high school by some punk ass kids who I went to school with. Well, they didn't actually break in since it was locked but they did piss all over it, and shove a bunch of weeds and willows into the gas tank. They then smashed nearly all of the giant brass lights on the outside of my parent's house.

20
meritt
Jul 05, 2007

I don't regularly read Dooced (I can only take in small doses) - so I didn't know her car was broke into. However, reading YOUR post brought back memories of living in Southern California. That is the last time my car was broken into (knock on wood) and yes, it was the back trianglar window.

I admit we couldn't afford new glass to be put in so we went to the hardware store and bought a piece of plexi-glass and cut it to size and put it in.

You could try - it's better than cardboard. :)

21
gina in brazil
Jul 05, 2007

i can imagine completely how you feel after somethin like that happens. i was robbed on my own street (in brazil) by two guys who grabbed me around my neck and arms for my wallet--that had NOTHING in it--and then ran away. i can still feel their dry hands on my skin and it grosses me out, makes me feel completely violated and disgusting. I don't care so much they took my stuff, you know, but it's the fact their hands were on ME. Now even three months later, I can't shake it. Listen, if you make that sign, could you translate it and send one on down to Brazil? I'd like to wear one around my neck as I walk down the street.

22
megan
Jul 05, 2007

My mom's apartment complex has been having a big problem with car break-ins lately, mostly because the people who live there are elderly for the most part and it is dark and quiet by 9:00 and there's lots of privacy.

My mom leaves her doors unlocked because she doesn't keep anything valuable in her car ever and she'd rather they took the cassette tapes from the 80s and the old umbrella without breaking any glass.

The thieves have gone through her stuff because they left the car a mess, but they didn't take anything and they didn't break anything.

23
Marcheline
Jul 05, 2007

Here's the tee shirt for you!

http://www.deathrowtshirts.com/ProductInfo.aspx?productid=FUFF_DR

Get two XL's and pull them over the backs of your car seats.

- M

24
Nothing But Bonfires
Jul 05, 2007

Marcheline, that's brilliant.

25
Susie
Jul 05, 2007

So I hadn't checked your blog in a while, but I too suffer from the fear of the phone ringing in the night, I think it's a Burns family thing, but it should be an official phobia! Some nights I almost unplug the phone next to my bed, but I stand strong and don't unplug it! Also today I almost bought some NEON PINK shoes, there was no doubt they were pink, they were like a highlighter, but I didn't buy them but I might!
(I bought a belt with a pouch instead! Decorative AND practical!)

26
Thespian Libby
Jul 05, 2007

Great Shirt! However, I was CRUSHED to see I couldn't get a 4X in my favorite style.....

27
Diane
Jul 05, 2007

I too had my car broken into and the bastards stole my radio and my new cost me a mint sunglasses - all while I was at a movie with a friend. I stopped locking my car as I thought - steal my change or empty chip bags but don't break the damn window.

I say put the damn sign up - it might make the thieves laugh and leave your car alone.

PS - love the warning for Sean's mom!

28
ScottsdaleGirl
Jul 05, 2007

Although this will sound terribly insensitive,

Try coming home to find that every.single.drawer in your dresser and your entire closet have been rifled through, and all your jewelry is missing.

That's some violating shit right there.

My FAVE saying is the one on your sign, you should hang it. :)

29
Audrey
Jul 05, 2007

God, that is awful. I'm so sorry that happened. I've had my car and my house broken into, so I definitely understand that feeling of being violated and powerless which is only made worse when the police officer who responds to your call just stands there and glares at you, yelling at you to put some sort of price on the pearl earrings that your grandmother brought you back from Spain and that you were planning to wear to your wedding but you can't come up with a price because they were priceless and all you can do is sit there and cry and sputter out a number, any number, just so he'll stop glaring at you like that. And then he tells you all the things that are wrong with your house, security-wise, in a tone that implies that really, since you don't have bars on your windows, you were basically inviting the bastards to come in and take all your stuff. Yeah, I feel your pain. And I really am sorry that you are now "one of us." Good people don't deserve that shit.

I say put up the sign.

30
jill
Jul 05, 2007

so sorry to welcome you to this particular club. "hi, my name is jill, and my car was broken into."

husband and i went on a road trip to san diego. upon return home (san francisco) i was dropped off at my conference in the city and he drove home. he called that night telling me the car was broken into while he was in school (in a BAD part of SF) and the contents were gone. contents, meaning our suitcases and purchases from the road trip. the contents he was too tired to take into the house when he got home, so he left them in the car and went off to class. and big surprise, crackhead harry saw nicely packaged, easy-to-steal suitcases and bags in the car and helped himself. i was PISSED. you know when you go on vacation and you take your latest favorite clothing staples? yep, all gone. poor husband was on the receiving end of the anger ("how could you be so stupid to leave the suitcases in the car?!?") and when a friend asked if HE was okay, i realized i forgot to ask. bad wife.

i'm glad you guys are okay. apologies for the long rant.

31
jill
Jul 05, 2007

and audrey, your story makes me sad and i want to push the mean officer down a flight of steps. i hope you are well.

32
paige
Jul 06, 2007

My car was actually broken into the other day. Well technically they didn't break in, they, um, opened the unlocked back hatch and let themselves in. The strange thing is they went through all my stuff but didn't take a single thing, not even the stereo I've been hauling around for 6 months intending to drop off for repairs. But the even STRANGER thing is they left something behind for me...a bag of jewelry making supplies. I kid you not. A plastic sack filled with necklace wire, beads, clasps, needlenose pliers, etc. Baffling.

33
Nothing But Bonfires
Jul 06, 2007

Paige, that's hilarious! I think you should make them all necklaces.

34
Scarlet
Jul 08, 2007

I had some master car thief that broke in without even breaking a window, all they did was dent the keyhole a bit with a screwdriver or something. I didn't know for DAYS that they had broken in.

They did, however, steal the sunshade- you know, the ones that you put in the dash to keep the hot sun from burning holes in your upholstery?

Not 1 month later, some hooligan hit my windshield with a beer bottle twice leaving large starbursts.

I still haven't fixed the windshield. It passes inspection, so I figure it serves as a deterrent for any future break-in's. "Oh, this one's too cheap to fix this, move onto the next car!"