Close Encounters Of The Vaguely Awkward Kind

So a pretty funny thing happened last night, although I'm not sure whether it'll translate for the Internet. Or, come to think of it, whether it'll actually be as funny at 7:12am (when one is drinking a large glass of water) as it was at 11:03pm (when one had been drinking small, strong glasses of cold limoncello.) Do you know how small these glasses were, by the way? They were tiny!

Tiny Glass of Limoncello

I was almost afraid to drink from this glass, lest I accidentally crush it with my fist while raising it to my mouth. Or, you know, swallow it whole or something. I should have photographed the glass with a dollar bill next to it so that you got a sense of scale, but if you imagine, say, a cognac glass for a Barbie, you're halfway there. It was like a thimble! I wasn't quite sure where to put the remaining fingers I wasn't using to pinch it between my thumb and index finger, and I started feeling like Alice in Wonderland or, you know, the giant in Jack and the Beanstalk, which is not how one really wants to feel in a social situation. ("Fee fi, fo, fum! Give me some limoncello or I'll stomp all over your village!")

Anyway, where was I going with this? Oh yes, the funny thing! So as we were leaving after an evening of sausages and limoncello, we all stood up to say our goodbyes, and I noticed that my camera was sitting on the couch, in front of which Jemima and her Dimpled Husband were standing. And so I sort of stretched my arm out in the direction of the camera to indicate that I wanted one of them to pass it to me---although the words "would you pass me my camera, please?" would have done just as well---and then I stood there for ages with my arm stretched out like that, my wrist sort of limp, waiting for someone to pass it to me as the seconds ticked by, and there was a discernibly awkward feeling in the room and I couldn't figure out why.

And this is why: Jemima's Dimpled Husband THOUGHT THAT I HAD BEEN EXTENDING MY ARM FOR HIM TO KISS MY HAND! Like "okay guys, we're off, thanks so much for dinner, and by the way, dear sir, please kiss the royal hand." And so he didn't know what to do. Should he kiss his wife's friend's hand, even though he'd said goodbye to her on countless occasion before and she'd always opted for, say, a wave or sometimes even a hug, BUT NEVER A HAND-KISSING, or should he ignore the outstretched arm and go for something safe like maybe a salute?

Finally, I was all "Christ, could you pass me my camera, I've been standing here like this for ages," and the tension was broken and nervous laughs and relieved chuckles were had. But still. I can't be the only person who's had an awkward social moment like that! In fact, I know I'm not: there's a woman in my core strength class on Mondays who farts halfway through the lesson without fail. Often audibly.

1
Andrea
Jun 08, 2007

It's funny at 11:06 AM eastern time.

2
barbie2be
Jun 08, 2007

i usually just go for drinking the limoncello out of the bottle. :)

and the whole hand kissing camera thing... funny at 8:14 am PDT, but the farting in core strenghing class... ICK.

3
Tracy27
Jun 08, 2007

Heh. I think you should've made him kiss the hand on sheer principle at that point.

As for comparables, let's see... How about the time I was in England when I was 19, still getting used to the dynamics of greeting my relatives with cheek kisses instead of hugging, and I miscalculated an approach and kissed an older male cousin I'd never met square on the lips? Yeah, inadvertent incest isn't awkward AT ALL.

4
PstLyfDiva
Jun 08, 2007

HA!
Yes that is definately funny at 11:38AM EST
In fact I laughed out loud...in my office...and yes my coworkers stared.

5
silverblue
Jun 08, 2007

It's funny in Australia!

6
ScottsdaleGirl
Jun 08, 2007

mmmmmmm limoncello.

7
Moose
Jun 08, 2007

If it makes you feel any better, I sometimes feel like MOST of my moments are socially awkward. Even now, I'm recalling things said last night that fill me with shame and contrition. And I bet you a tiny bottle of limoncello that nobody else even noticed.

But awkward hand-kissing? Hilarious.

8
smoness
Jun 08, 2007

You write so well that I actually felt awkward reading this. -A kiss to your hand for such a performance... Or you know, a bigger limoncello glass or something.

9
Scarlett
Jun 08, 2007

It's really funny. I particularly liked the way you handled it!

Perpetually awkward here. I've learned to live with it because we've all had those weird moments. Now it's just about controlling the blushing!

10
Laurel
Jun 08, 2007

I had to snort-laugh because I'm at work. And of course, suppressing my laugh just made me laugh even harder and get red in the face. Priceless!

11
Sheila
Jun 08, 2007

I, too, am challenged at the whole "am I kissing your cheek or full on the mouth whilst greeting/departing?" thing, which has resulted in many awkward half mouth/half side of face sort-of kisses. I kind of wish we could just stand across the room from one another and shout, "Hi! Nice to see you!! OK, buh-bye!"

The other awkwardness trap I seem to fall into often is waving at people whom I think I know, but who turn out not to be acquaintances at all. I need to either perfect my "Oh, I'm just really outgoing and friendly and I really MEANT to wave at you, perfect stranger!" face or just get some eyeglasses already.

12
Diane
Jun 08, 2007

That is one small glass of limoncello!

It was funny in Canada by the way! A kiss on the hand would have been a funny follow-up from Simons. You could just say to him that "A kiss on the hand is quite continental".

My lovely husband and I had one of those moments. I was not paying attention while we were driving home one day and unbeknownst to me there was a horse and rider at the side of the road. He said "What a nice horse" very calmly and I thought he said "What do you think of divorce?" My response was kind of scathing as we were not married or engaged at the time and he was looking so shocked at my response. He then said - "I thought you loved horses?" and I was all Wah-Huh???? Much laughter ensued after that and it is now our favourite inside joke.

13
lauren
Jun 08, 2007

Holly, where do you get those glasses?! They are adorable and I must drink limoncello out of them!

14
Lyne
Jun 09, 2007

hee, next time wave your fingers around, like if you have "jazz hands" to further confuse others.

I have a question for all you limoncello lovers. Do you drink it straight from the bottle? I ask because the liquor stores around here only carry one brand, at 30% alcohol content, and even diluted with other liquids, the alcohol is quote potent. So I ask you what do you drink it with, if anything? and if straight up, how do you not make sourpuss faces? or am I just a pansy who can't handle it?

15
Maya
Jun 09, 2007

I am now holding you directly responsible for two things:
-My NEED, immediate need for limoncello (and at ten to midnight, its going to have to be vodka instead) in tiny, wee glasses.
-My requests for hand kisses from friends near and far. And my husband. asap. Although to be honest, we give each other hand kisses pretty often.

Have you had limoncello and limoncello cream? Delicious!

16
Moose
Jun 09, 2007

Blast! My emails keep bouncing back from your address so I'm resorting to a blog comment.

Yes for both of us for tonight! Will bring champagne, no worries on the lobsters (playing next week too) and we eat everything. Including that jar of nutella you hid under your bed.

17
MJ
Jun 09, 2007

My most recent awkward moment (there are so many to chose from) happened at my children's ballet class. A toddler took my tea mug (you know the kind with the lid that you drink in the car) and ran away with it towards his father and proceeded to hold it up against his father's crotch. His father was busy talking and ignoring his child and I obviously couldn't reach for it. There was this awkward moment when I had to say, "Excuse me. My tea mug." And the father looked at me with this confused expression on his face and I had to repeat myself and point at the mug. And he looked even more confused. And then I had to say, "Your son has my tea mug." Trust me. It was awkward.

18
annie
Jun 10, 2007

So how about when I was in Rome on my honeymoon and my husband and I were eating dinner in the Piazza Navona when I opted for a quick potty break. It was winter, so squeezing myself plus my many layers into the lilipution sized bathroom took some doing. But I made it work and headed back out through the nearly empty bar (save for the bartender and a few men with whom he was conversing) and as I pass I hear, "signorina! signorina!" Recalling the numerous warnings I've received regarding Italian men, and the few experiences I'd had with them on prior trips, I ignored them and continued on. "Sorry gentlemen. I'm married" I remember thinking to myself. (ha.) So I sit down with my husband and don't give it another thought until about 10 minutes later when it all comes flashing back inside my head - the many layers, the liliputian bathroom, the wiggling of the jeans back up to where they should be....the close proximity to the roll of toilet paper. Already mortified just at the thought of it, I reached back between me and the chair and ran my finger along the waistline of my jeans. Sure enough, I had grown a nice white tail while in the lady's room. About 6 squares long. Good grief.

19
Melanie
Jun 11, 2007

I farted once during yoga and it was so utterly embarrassing. The tiny glasses look embarrassing enough, I'd be freaked out at the idea of drinking from them and squishing them, or chugging them too fast and everybody else sipping gently.

20
Sarah
Jun 11, 2007

Hilarious!

21
DM
Jun 12, 2007

Um, I accidentally tucked my skirt into my nylons and then walked down an entire city block until some guy let me know. Yeah. The hand kissing? Way less awkward, I'd say.

22
Nothing But Bonfires
Jun 12, 2007

Lauren, the glasses are actually Jemima's -- I think they were her grandmother's.

23
Meepers
Jun 13, 2007

Must say that Jemima and Simons, from a readers' standpoint, seem the quintessential adorable couple, right down to the cute dog. I have my grandmothers'.....beat up table and chairs. Not nearly as cute as wee glasses for tiny folk. Go Jemima!