Kissing The Lipless

Do you realize that tonight is The Bachelor finale, and that we only have one more Secret Bachelor Tuesday Wednesday Friday The Following Tuesday Whenever to get through after this? I know! What will we do when it's all over? Well, I guess we'll have to talk about real things again, like politics and current affairs and how gross Spencer from The Hills is and what a fool Heidi is for staying with him.

So! No beating around the bush---let's get on with the recap! Last week's episode---as opposed to tonight's episode, in which Andy will choose between the final two---saw us accompanying all three of the girls to Hawaii for some alone time with Andy. Is it just me, or has ABC started to tighten the old purse strings just a little bit when it comes to this show? Didn't each girl used to get a separate date in a separate location? And it was always, like, skiiing for one girl and yachting for another and saving orphans for the third? Well, not this time around. This time around the budget only extends as far as Hawaii, and so Bevin, Tessa, and Danielle all find themselves there at the same time. Awkward!

Before the Fentessssssy Dates can begin, though, Andy wants to show each of the women around the ship he works on, so that they can all get an idea of the complexity of his life in the Navy. (I can tell you about the complexity of his life in the Navy: he will work weird hours, and he'll rarely get to wear the hot white uniform, and he'll frequently be in a bad mood. Oh, didn't you know Sean worked for the Navy for eight years? He did. And life wasn't all Up Where We Belong, I'll tell you that. We are much happier now he has segued into graphic design and has a normal job like a normal person. Although we do miss the hot white uniform. Well, one of us does.)

After Bevin is shown around the ship---I confess, I sort of missed this bit, though I can't remember why, please let me know if I missed anything awesome---Danielle arrives in a very cute 1940s-style dress (which might not be the most tactful outfit, seeing as they're visiting Pearl Harbor) and says “I don’t really know what goes into being a military wife, but I’ll do anything to find out.” Well, cute outfits are a start. Then Tessa arrives in white pants and a red strapless top---oh god, I think they're all wearing patriotic colors! Danielle was in navy blue and white! Bevin was probably wearing a These Colors Don't Run shirt from Wal-Mart, for all I know!---and Andy gives her the same tour he's just given all the others. This tour has an Added Element Of Skeeve to it, though, as a little girl comes up and stands next to Andy, who---apropos of nothing---gestures to Tessa and says "she's my girlfriend." Tessa does a nervous titter. Andy says to the camera "it was like a foreshadowing: husband, wife, child." Yeah, until the real parents of that little girl came to drag her away from the creepy lipless man pretending to be her father.

Tessa has the first Fentesssssy Date with Andy, and it turns out to be ziplining. Ooh, ziplining, that's romantic. I don't know about you, but when I think about Things I'd Want To Do To Determine If I'd Like To Spend The Rest Of My Life With A Person, ziplining is at the very top of the list. Andy breaks the ziplining news to Tessa. Tessa fakes a yay. Andy makes her do rock paper scissors to see who goes first and she loses. “You lose!" he says unkindly. He has big sweat marks under his arms. There’s lots of kissing. In helmets. Tessa says that when you're in a relationship with a person, the the most important thing is that you like who you are when you’re with that person. But here's my question: how can Tessa stand herself when she's with Andy? I mean, ew! I can't stand myself when I'm watching Andy on TV, it makes me want to say a thousand Hail Marys or something (and I'm not even Catholic!), but talking to him? Laughing at his lame jokes? Kissing him? Gag me with a spoon. And a fork. And a knife. And some chopsticks.

Here is an example: on a rope bridge, Tessa says to Andy "you’re just using me for support!" She means this very literally; Andy is indeed clinging on to her. He, however, takes it very seriously, and probably thinks he's being awfully clever when he says "well, isn’t that what you do in a relationship?" Uh, downer! Who invited the party pooper? Tessa jokily says "oh is this a metaphor for our relationship, Andy?" but Andy, who doesn’t understand the word metaphor, gets all sulky and says "yeah." And that exchange? That series of misunderstandings, that mismatch of intellect? That is not how a relationships should be. Witticisms should be traded! Jokes should be shared! One of you should say something sarcastic, and the other should say something even more sarcastic, and then the first person should come back with even more sarcastic, possibly referencing the first sarcastic thing, and then you should both laugh at how in-tune and hilarious you are. A good relationship should be like an episode of Whose Line Is It Anyway?, with each of you playing off the other. Tessa and Andy's relationship, by contrast, is like one of those inane, unfunny, incoherent sitcoms with Heather Graham in it that gets canceled after three episodes.

But I digress.

After the ziplining, there is a picnic at the top of a mountain, during which a sunset is watched, kissing takes place, and Andy wonders (yet again) if Tessa is here for the right reasons (i.e.: for him, rather than just to get in some ziplining practice.) That night at dinner, Tessa makes a big passionate confession about how whenever she spends time with Andy, she’s glowing. Andy wants to know Tessa is in this 110 per cent, and she says she is. Andy demonstrates some rare wit by picking up a piece of sushi in the shape of a flower with his chopsticks and saying "Tessa, will you please accept this rose?" They laugh. I make a note that Andy does the same wrinkled thing with his eyebrows that George Bush does when he looks like he's smelling a fart---which is, of course, all the time---and then suddenly it's time for Andy to whip out the Fentessssssy Card.

Tessa reads it aloud---"Tessa and Andy, I hope you're having a wonderful time in Hawaii. Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, use this key to stay together as a couple in the fantasy suite"---and then, for all the drama the commercials convinced us would happen, merely smiles and says "there's nothing that would make me happier than to have more time with you alone." Oh, Tessa! Don't give it up so easily!

We enter the Fentesssssssy Suite. It's nice, but it's kind of..…I mean what must her parents think? There’s a large bed covered in rose petals, a bath already drawn with more rose petals scattered in the tub, and a bottle of champagne on the table. If you turned the TV on, it would already be playing Cinemax. You can't not think about what might be about to happen in that room. It's basically the Get Naked room! They're hardly going to order hot chocolate and tackle the crossword, are they?

Ah, who cares? Next date! Andy and Danielle go on a boat ride and look at dolphins, before spending way too long underwater, making out and doing acrobatics. Danielle tries to initiate a Big Important Conversation about how much long Andy is stationed in Hawaii and whether he’ll be able to leave afterwards, and then tells Andy about the psychic she went to, who said she'd have two serious relationships after her college boyfriend, the one who died. "And now here I am, you're the third guy!" she says. Uh, wait, this qualifies as a serious relationship? A few dates?

At dinner, Danielle's psychic boasting comes back to bite her in the ass. Andy has a surprise for her: another psychic reader. (In my mind, where I'm allowed to make these things up, Andy hired her to make sure that Danielle wasn't right about him being the third guy, the love of her life.) An "oh shit" look passes Danielle's face very briefly, as she realizes the second psychic reader might contradict what the first one said and screw up all her magic voodoo she'd had Andy believing. The psychic says something very peripheral about loss, and Danielle is immediately blown away by the fact that the psychic KNOWS ABOUT HER DEAD BOYFRIEND. Yeah, well, maybe if she wasn't always talking about it....

Andy asks the psychic if he’ll get engaged next week---call me crazy, but shouldn’t that be something he chooses?---and the psychic tells him to think about how love would decide and how fear would decide. Well, I think fear would get the hell away from Danielle and her dead boyfriend karma, but that's just me. Andy gives Danielle the Fentessssssy Suite card, and says "so what do you say?" She says "I say I'd love to." They enter the Fentessssy Suite.

Oh thank god, it's a different one from the one he stayed in with Tessa. Wouldn't that be awful?

"How many kids do you want to have?" asks Danielle, since this is exactly the sort of thing you ask a person you've only had three or four dates with. Andy wants at least two, maybe three. There's some talk of how much they like each other. "I can never stop smiling when I’m around you, so that tells me a lot," says Danielle. Yeah, it tells you that he’s funny-looking.

Next date! It's Bevin! She has to go hiking. In a rainforest. In the rain. God, these are the suckiest dates ever! Remember when Sarah W. from Los Angeles got to drive an ATV? That was awesome. Anyway, after hiking through the rain, Bevin gets to jump in a waterfall. It pleases me no end to see her cellulite.

"I feel electricity in my soul when I’m with Bevin," says Andy to the camera. "Maybe it's heartburn," I say to the TV. "I like my date!" gushes Bevin. "Ah well, I saved the best for last," says Andy. (Harsh! How will Tessa and Danielle feel when they watch this part on TV?) Andy checks himself and remembers that Bevin has a Dirty Past. His brows wrinkles.

Later that night, Bevin and Andy have a private luau, with Hawaiian dancers. Bevin dances and Andy tells her it was hot. Then it’s time to Get Serious. Andy, like a twentysomething girl who's seen too many Zales commercials, wants to know Where This Is Going. There’s more talk about whether he can get over Bevin's divorce. The conclusion is yes. Andy gives Bevin the Fentessssy Suite card. "I definitely want to accept the Fentesssssssy Suite offer in the hopes that we can continue the conversation and you can get to know me better," says Bevin in response. "We know the passion is there but I want to see the other side of it." Uh, what? That’s totally ass-backwards. The Fentessssssy Suite isn’t for conversation!

Bevin tells the camera that she loves Andy. Whether this occurred before or after they "continued the conversation" is unclear. I'm betting it was after. And that it was a damn good conversation.

After all three dates, Andy is confused about how to choose between the women. And even though working out normally helps him, it’s just not cutting it now. "My heart is getting torn up," he says. "I need help." On cue, the doorbell rings and Andy’s best friend Gatsby---Gatsby? Seriously? – shows up. There’s much "dude!" And "man!" And chest-pounding. Andy and Gatsby sit down to have a conversation about which chick Andy should choose. “The first one,” he says, “is Tessa.” (Did he just say "the first one?" This seems wrong somehow.) He extols Tessa’s virtues---mainly he seems most impressed that she’s a social worker---and says he sees potential with her. Then there's Danielle, he tells Gatsby: she seems older than 25. (Maybe because she's always talking about death?) Finally, Andy tells Gatsby, there's Bevin, who's beautiful and sexy, and with whom he had an electrical attraction from the beginning, but who has also been married previously. He's confused, he says. Man, if Andy can't figure this out, I don't know how GATSBY is going to do it.

(Incidentally, I think Andy might be paying Gatsby to mention that he's a doctor. And an Ironman triathlete. He references both rather frequently in their ten minute conversation.)

Anyway, in the end, Gatsby concludes that Andy is in a crisis. Wow, Gatsby, you think? Awesome advice! Thanks so much for flying all the way out here to tell us that.

Aaaaaand, it's time for the rose ceremony, which takes place outdoors on a lush green lawn. Andy says that because he’s a doctor---wait, he's a doctor? really?---he's used to taking people's pain away, not causing it. It’s been so hard for him, blah blah, blah. We see the women, who are waiting patiently and nervously. Bevin is wearing a dress my mother had in the 80s. Danielle, by contrast, is wearing some very inappropriate black lace. And Tessa’s dress is bizarre, the mullet of dresses, all short skirt party in the front, and long train business in the back.

Andy hands out roses to Bevin and.....Tessa. Oh dear, Danielle, looks like the psychic was wrong! No rose for you! Danielle seems not to be too bothered by the rejection; she's not even crying or anything. She's sort of "ah well," about the whole thing. Andy, on the other hand, wipes away a few tears of his as the car leaves. Didn't he cry when Amber left last week as well? Is this guy continuously on the brink of his Special Quality Time or what? Nobody had better show him a Hallmark commercial!

Next week---well, tonight, really!---we're going back to Lancaster, Pennsylvania to meet Andy’s family. I can't wait to see who he inherited his top lip from---or rather, didn't inherit his top lip from. The show, which is TWO HOURS LONG, ends with both The Most Difficult Decision Yet, and also The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever. I say you make yourself something pink and frothy and take a sip every time someone says how nervous they are but how right it feels. You'll be wasted by ten o'clock.

Mentions of the word "connection": 3
Mentions of the phrase "journey": only one. We're not going on as many journeys this season, it seems.

1
maddy
May 21, 2007

Holly, do these people get paid to be on the show and paid even more if they win? I mean i could probably act dumb if i was getting paid for it but its hard to imagine that people like this exist. But then i go and watch The Hills.

2
Unstrung Harpy
May 21, 2007

You didn't mention Tessa's comment about punching the shark in the face! She's so hilariously bizarre, she definitely deserves someone better than Andy. By the way, did you know that Lancaster, Pennsylvania, is Amish country? It would be awesome if Andy turns out to have an Amish family, and gets to introduce divorced, tattooed Bevin to them.

3
Diane
May 21, 2007

“I feel electricity in my soul when I’m with Bevin,” says Andy to the camera. “Maybe it’s heartburn,” I say to the TV.

Laughed out loud! That is one of the 10 ten funniest things you have written in the Bachelor recaps!

Can't wait for the finale!

4
Erica
May 21, 2007

"Mentions of the phrase 'journey': only one. We’re not going on as many journeys this season, it seems."

ABC can't afford it - remember? ;)

5
hating it
May 21, 2007

ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

6
Marissa
May 21, 2007

I have to admit, I am from Lancaster, PA (no its not all amish people!) and I have never seen Andy, the top-lip-less man walking around, although now reading all of this it makes me think I should have looked a little harder if only to comment on that alone.

7
gabby
May 21, 2007

Does anyone else have a problem with this page refreshing randomly by itself?

8
Scarlett
May 21, 2007

Gabby: yes. The page refreshes and deletes the entire comment!

Ha! The punching the shark in the face was the best line from last week's episode!

I so hope he chooses Bevin. I just don't think he deserves Tessa. She's got too much upper lip.

9
Sheila
May 21, 2007

Did Sean get to keep the hot white uniform when he left the Navy? If yes, you should have a requirement that he don it about four times a year. It would be wrong to let such smashing attire waste away at the back of a closet, right?

10
Kim
May 21, 2007

Kissing The Lipless! Genius. Ten extra points for the spectacular reference.

11
LC
May 21, 2007

I got psychically uncomfortbale for Tessa when Andy picked up the sushi and asked if she "would accept this rose." It was like the 7th grade lunch table all over again.

12
jill
May 21, 2007

PLEASE tell me you heard the freak noise bevin made after she professed her love for andy. it was some odd squeal/laugh combo that made me shudder.

and i'm so torn about tessa, who i could so hang, shop, and drink margaritas with. if she's really, truly into the lipless wonder i hope he picks her, but i don't want her to get stuck with the bonehead either. and i don't want her to be hurt if he picks bevin, though i think they're a far better (though creepier) match. she needs to be the next bachelorette and find some equally funny guy.

love your posts! can't wait to read your review of tonight's show!

13
beth beth
May 21, 2007

I've never commented before, so you don't know me, but I have to say that you are freakin hilarious. I am a bit worried, however, as someone who did not inherit the lion's share of upper lip, is it really a good cause to hate someone to the core? Is there a place where we should go to stop offending the rest of you, with perfect lips?

Just wondering. Still think you are great. You have my permission to disregard the compliment if it is too repulsive for you to think about it coming from an upper-lippless one.

14
Laurie
May 22, 2007

Holy crap! I can't believe that I am watching the season finale of The Bachelor right now, because of you!

Six minutes in and I have already deemed him The Most Ambiguously Gay Bachelor Ever.

Also, Bevin's nose...? I can't believe you haven't mentioned that, I was totally unprepared for her monstrous schnoz.

15
Sarah Marie
May 22, 2007

I too am watching the finale and can't believe it. Too bad we didn't have an In Real Time chat or something to discuss.

His whole family is lipless! No offense to anyone who comments here, but it's true! Mom, dad, grandparents, sister, everyone. Maybe Andy will choose lipless too?

16
carrie
May 22, 2007

This is one of the funniest sites I have EVER been on! I was glad that he chose Tessa because I think Bevin is a bit w.t.... The hideous tat on her shoulder and her awful color of her hair. Still you gotta feel bad for someone who has thrown themself at Andy on national tv for several months and been so insecure about the whole ordeal.

Tessa is so great and just adorable, but will probably not end up with him. Hopefully she won't get sued for getting drunk and spilling the beans prior to the finale!

17
Meg
May 22, 2007

Mostly, even though I got royally sucked in every time he cried and I KNOW THAT'S SO SAD AND I AM VERY PATHETIC AND NO ONE WILL LIKE ME NOW, I have to say that the most annoying thing about Andy is the dogtags.

18
Leslie
May 22, 2007

I don't even watch the show and I love your recaps. Can't wait to see what happened this week!

19
Melanie
May 23, 2007

They should have you do a voice over of snarky commentary during the show, like Mystery Science Theatre 3000. That would make me get cable to watch this show that I'm getting so strangely sucked into, if I could watch it Now With Added Snark!