Hey, This Really Will Be Secret Bachelor Tuesday! Too Bad It's Exactly A Week Late.

Oh, I know. I know, I know, I know. I've failed you, haven't I? Those of you on the East Coast are probably already watching the newest episode of The Bachelor RIGHT NOW, and I haven't even given you last week's recap yet. I'm terrible! I'm awful! I don't deserve you lovely readers and your hilarious comments!

But let's be friends again, shall we? Come on, let's. I've had an excuse, you see---my mother has been here for the last ten days, and I have been very busy drinking wine. Also shopping and eating bacon, but mostly drinking wine. And now she's gone and I'm feeling very fragile, and so I have moved onto the Baileys (the Caramel Baileys, so you know it's bad) and also the Cadburys Chocolate Eclairs. Please don't be angry with me.

So let's get this over with, this recap of LAST week's episode of The Bachelor, so we can move on to THIS week's episode of The Bachelor, which you are probably watching right now, and which I shall be watching myself in three hours. Do you realize, by the way, that we only have two more episodes left? We have the Fentesssssy Dates, of course, which will happen tonight, and then we have the gory spectacle that will be the final two---one of whom will wear a cardigan around her shoulders, YOU MARK MY WORDS---meeting Andy's family, and that'll be it! It'll be goodbye to Andy and the girls forever!

(Oh, and before I forget, if you'd like to know in advance who wins the show, have a little look at this Page Six item, kindly forwarded to me by a co-worker---thanks, Victoria!---who knew I would salivate over it. If you don't want the surprise ruined, don't click. If you do, do. Obviously I did. And I was totally right about who I thought would win! Aren't you curious? Aren't you? WAIT, DON'T RUIN THE SURPRISE! Oh, alright then, do. You know you want to.)

So last week (I know! I'm sorry!), we had the hometown dates, which always hold a special place in my heart because they give us even more people to make fun of! Well played, ABC! Before they begin, we get Andy's voiceover saying that it's time to get serious and meet the women's families, as he drives his ridiculous silver penis extension car in his little orange leather jacket, perfecting his Blue Steel all the way. Is this what women want? Is this what ABC thinks women want? A flashy car, a loud jacket, and a man who looks like he's concentrating very hard on deciding whether he should buy 1% or 2% milk at the grocery store? Do you know anyone who'd tolerate their partner in a little orange leather jacket? Really? (No, really. I want to know. Maybe your boyfriend looks hot in a little orange leather jacket. Maybe it's his thing. If so, more power to you. Freak.)

So first we have a little summary, wherein Andy goes through his feelings for all the women, managing to categorize them very neatly into little boxes with labels reading Tessa, The One Who Is Playing Hard To Get, and Amber, The One Who Is Hot But Really Too Young. There's also Danielle, The One Who Might Just Be One Of The Guys (and I do mean that literally) and Bevin, Who Always Gives It Up. Who will he choose? Will he propose? Will anyone notice if I throw myself off the Golden Gate Bridge midway through watching this? Wait, what?

So we're off to Seattle to meet Bevin's family! Bevin and Andy seem very pleased to see each other; there's lots of talk of chemistry and electricity. (Chemistry of the heart, obviously, not the kind you study in school. Can you imagine? "So Bevin, what do you think of the way the periodic table is laid out? And how do you feel about the First Law of Thermodynamics?") Andy makes possibly the crassest joke ever when he quips “I’m in heaven when I’m with Bevin.” I suppose we should be glad he didn't go with "stairway to Bevin." Or Bevin-sent. Or Just like Bevin. Or...I'll stop.

They go to some waterfalls and one of them says "you can feel the spray from here!" which reminds me so much of this picture that I can't stop laughing for, like, a full minute. Bevin says that these waterfalls are where she came in high school to talk and hang out. Oh whatever, to DRINK AND SMOKE POT, more like. I know you high school students! I know your secret waterfalls!

So then it's time for the big announcement. You know, the one about Bevin's Past? About how she's divorced? She starts off slowly, easing Andy into the hugeness of her transgression: “We’ve all had pasts before right?" she says. "I was once a teenager who was very stubborn and did stuff that her parents didn’t want her to do. And I got married as a teenager and it didn’t last very long because obviously I wasn’t ready.” (Seriously, I transcribed that word for word. I thought you needed it straight from the horse's mouth, as it were. Ha! Horse! Perhaps that was an unfortunate turn of phrase, given Bevin's honking great schnozz.) Anyway, it transpires that Bevin has No Regrets about her dirty past, because she learned from it, and now she is a better person. Nevertheless, Andy looks perturbed. He don't want no harlot divorcee! Still, he says, he appreciates her honestly and tells her that she's the most mature of the women. Dude, of course she's the most mature of the women. She's the only one that isn't, like, 23.

Bevin brings Andy home to her mother, stepmother, dad, and sister. Weirdly, even her mom and dad look the same. I'm pleased to see that there's lots of wine on the table---I'm sure Andy is pleased too; they're definitely going to need it---and fairly surprised to find that Bevin's family are actually sort of normal. Oh wait, they're normal until Bevin's mother gives Andy a painting. That's kind of weird. Bevin starts crying. (Not because it's weird, I don't think, but because she's touched. Presumably her mother doesn't just give paintings to ALL the boys she brings home. Hey, I wonder if the ex-husband got one! Andy should ask.)

Bevin’s dad---who is sort of like a skinny Robin Williams, or maybe Tom Arnold---asks Bevin if she loves Andy. To her immense credit she doesn’t say yes. Instead, she says "well I can’t lie, I obviously feel something for him. I mean, he’s a great guy. When am I ever going to meet someone like that?" Uh-oh, alarm bells! Bevin is only into the Doctor Thing! Bevin is only into meeting "someone like that!" Oh, Bevin, you're kind of busted. Bevin's dad tells her not to withold things, she'll regret it. To the camera, Bevin says she feels like she's falling in love with Andy.

Next, we're off to Connecticut to see Danielle. Andy goes on and on about them both having had a “tragic loss in their recent past,” and really, you know what, I'm sort of sick of this. Okay, Andy’s uncle died, and that’s sad, and Danielle's college boyfriend died, and that's sad too, but really, don’t they have anything else in common? Surely the fact that they both know someone who died isn’t something to base a relationship on! Is it?

Anyway, it turns out that Danielle still llives at home! Loser! (No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I'd love to live at home. I'd live at home with my parents until I was 68, if that wouldn't be the sort of activity that would get me shunned in mainstream society and shut out of any social interaction I wanted to make.) Danielle and her mother and sister have Girl Talk in the kitchen in hushed tones as they cut bread (the word "cute!" is bandied about in italics) and then it's time for dinner. Danielle's family looks nothing alike; none of them! Although the parents seem fairly nice and intelligent, and Danielle's sister, Kaitlin, is sweet. Danielle's dad looks sort of like a pilgrim, but, you know, you can't hold that against a person. Plus, he teaches Andy to play the drums, for which we should be grateful, because for evey second Andy is playing the drums, he is not opening his mouth and talking. Thanks, Danielle's dad! Smart move!

Next, we're off to Washington D.C. to meet Tessa's family. Andy and Tessa rendezvous outside the Washington Monument, where Tessa has made Andy a huge snowball---and I do mean a huge snowball. As big as a house, even! This is another reason I love Tessa; she seems so fantastically weird and kooky. I would love it if I were meeting someone at the Washington Monument, and I showed up and they'd made me a huge, giant snowball. I mean, wouldn't you love that? It seems wasted on Andy. Perhaps I should be dating Tessa.

Back at Tessa's (rather swanky) house, Andy commits the cardinal sin by saying to Andy's father, “Tessa and I have had some really great dates together. I watched her try on dresses." And Tessa’s father totally doesn’t laugh. The air freezes. He says “what do you mean, you watched her try on dresses?” I half expect Andy to be taken away in a police car. But the moment passes, and then Tessa's best friend Samantha and her sister Mercy grill Andy while Tessa goes upstairs to change. (Smooth move, Tessa!) Samantha asks Andy if he’s a city guy or a suburbs guy. And here Andy proves that he is neither a city guy nor a suburbs guy, but instead a Grade-A bonafide wanker. Because this is what he says: “Actually, I’d like to have a number of homes.”

Ugh! The pomposity! The smugness! The (totally unwarranted) self-confidence! Samantha and Mercy are kind of all "uh, yeah, good luck with that, buddy," and then Andy gets all bent out of shape because he feels he's walked into “a house full of skeptics.” No, actually, he’s walked into a house full of people who have half a brain, who question how weird it is to meet someone on a TV show, who seem to be educated and real, who don’t say things like "I’d like to have a number of homes," who probably DO have a number of homes, in fact, but aren’t going to make a song and dance about it.

There is a very awkward dinner wherein Tessa's mother fires question after question at Andy---Do you see a marriage proposal? Where would you take her on the honeymoon? Do you like to cook?---and then Andy helps Tessa's dad do the dishes (badly) and Tessa's dad raises Andy's ire (intentionally, I hope) by telling Andy very slyly that Tessa thought the show was going to be fun. "FUN?" shouts Andy at the camera. “She’s doing it for FUN? This is FUN to her?”

Andy has a very serious sit-down with Tessa to make sure she isn’t doing this for FUN!---after all there are FEELINGS AT STAKE HERE, this is what Andy says, all in caps just like that---and Tessa says well, she does question how genuine it is. Uh, me too. Considering it's televised and all. Andy all but forces Tessa into pretending she's in love with him---perhaps this is a technique he learned in the armed forces?---by initiating the following conversation:

Andy: What do you want? Hmm, what do you want?
Tessa: Uh...
Andy: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Tessa: Um, I want...to fall in love...
Andy: With who?
*** Interlude: Holly faints from frustration. With WHOM! It's with WHOM! ***
Andy: COME ON, WITH WHO?
Tessa: Uh...with....you
Andy: WELL GOOD! I WANT TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU TOO.

That, however, is not even the worst part of the old exchange. The worst part of the whole exchange is that Andy is WEARING HIS DOG TAGS, like they're STICKING OUT OF HIS SHIRT. On purpose. "Oh my god, is he...wearing his dog tags?" I ask Sean. "With his civilian clothes? To dinner with Tessa's parents?" Sean (who is totally not watching this, by the way, who is in fact doing something very manly and masculine and the opposite of watching The Bachelor, something like...uh....changing the oil in the car) takes one look and scoffs. "What a tool," he says. "And yes, you can write that I said that."

Next, we're off to Sugar Land, Texas to see Amber! Sugar Land sounds awesome, like maybe the highways are paved with marshmallows and the trees are made out of licorice and the worms are really gummy worms and the birds are just Peeps, but unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the case. In fact, Sugar Land looks pretty boring. Wearing some sort of bizarre checkered potato sack, Amber takes Andy to the classroom where she teaches. Oh my god, are America’s youth learning from the Ambers of the world? Really? That scares me. I mean, I would give you ten bucks if I asked Amber to spell "onomatopoeia" right and she did it. Or "coincidence." Or "house." Or "hat."

Very, very creepily, Andy sits in one of the tiny desks, raises his hand and says "Miss, uh, will you give me a kiss?" Seriously, what is up with Andy and the role playing? The bizarre charade is cut short when some cute kids come in to meet Andy---it transpires that they're kids Amber once taught---and one of them asks Andy how he met Amber. Are you ready for his answer? Really? Are you ready? He says this: "I met her on a special mission. We were at this nice house and I went up to her and thought she was really pretty and realy nice. We started talking and she invited me to come to Sugar Land and meet you all." Uh Andy, that is SO NOT TRUE. Why wouldn't you tell these kids about the hot tubs and the yachts and the roses and the skeevy bikini moments? AMERICA'S YOUTH NEED TO KNOW. How do you think any of these little boys will know that they too can grow up and become The Bachelor if you don't tell them about all the skirt they can quite legitimately chase if they commit to whoring themselves out on national TV? Huh? WHAT KIND OF DISSERVICE ARE YOU DOING?

It turns out that Amber’s parents don’t want to meet Andy, so she says he’ll meet her aunt and uncle instead. But then she makes a call and it seems that the aunt can’t be bothered either (maybe she has a hair appointment or something), and so no-one in Amber's family will have the pleasure of meeting Andy! No-one loves Amber! So there's no family for Andy to meet on the, uh, family date.

Instead, Andy goes to meet Amber’s inane roommate and her small pursedog, Pasha. (Amber says it’s very important to her that Pasha likes Andy because she has a lot of say in who she dates. Which, when you see Amber, sort of figures.) The roommate---I forget her name, probably something ending in an "i,"---make all sorts of weird sarcastic self-conscious jokes with Amber, like people in their early 20s do, and Andy looks around awkwardly. The roommate appears to be permanently drunk and stoned. And dumb as shit. The dinner is awkward, with Andy feeling like he’s at a sorority house (but, uh, not in the way he'd like, no pillow fights or anything) and then there’s a knock at the door, and oh thank god, there’s an adult in the house! Amber’s aunt has deigned to grace us with her presence (hmm, looks like she didn’t have a hair appointment after all) and she’s really incredibly pleased with herself for showing up.

Andy and the aunt have a discussion, wherein Andy hammers home how much he wants kids. Now come on, do people really talk about this the first time they meet their significant other's families? I don’t think so! Can you imagine Sean saying to my parents the first time he met them “I’d really like to get your daughter pregnant.” Uh, no. I mean, apart from anything else, I was sixteen when Sean first met my paretns, but still. Babies don't seem like they should be the first Meet The Parents topic of conversation!

And you know what else shouldn't be the first Meet The Parents topic of conversation, or in fact any topic of conversation? Saying “I can’t wait to have a little Andy." Uh, does Andy know what it denotes when men talk about themselves in the diminutive form? It, um, doesn't reflect well on them. And I'm guessing Andy's already got a little Andy. A very little Andy, if that flashy silver car is any indication. Zing!

Amber, by the way, has the kind of bland post-college apartment that makes me want to kill myself. She and her roommate have a bland dumb little discussion (that also makes me want to kill myself) about how perfect Andy is and how Amber totally, like, wants to marry him and have a million of his babies. Oh, Amber. You're so....23.

Hooray! Finally! Rose ceremony! Andy gives a twee little speech about how amazing the women all are are and how hard this is. And then...and then....roses go to Tessa! Bevin! And---ladies, Andy, this is the final rose tonight---Danielle. So long, Amber! I believe I may have pumped the air with my fist.

Amber, of course, is very upset. "I wanna know why, I just wanna know why," she wails. Andy stumbles through the "you're younger than me, we’re in different places" speech, and Amber’s tears just keep coming, they're everywhere, I mean she looks like she has a piece of Saran wrap over her face. It really is the worst kind of crying, the unattractive, mascara-is-running, snivelly, snotty, gaspy crying. I think there's even an anguished wail at one point. "I’ve been hurt by guy after guy, they tell me everything I want to hear and then they break my heart," she says. "So I should be f***n' used to it." Then she heads back to Sugar Land to do Jagermeister shots with the roommate and eat a whole Sara Lee cheesecake from the freezer. So long, Amber! Keep it real!

Next week, however---or rather this week! In a few hours in fact!--- we get Hawaii, whales, Andy’s ship, his dorky white uniform, waterfalls, and the fentesssssssy cards! You do know about the fentessssssssy cards, don't you? Perhaps you should refresh your memory. (That's still one of my favorite stories, by the way. Sometimes I just tell it to myself to crack myself up. You know, like if everyone else has been talking about death and murder and gloom or something, and I need to lighten the mood inside my head again. Some people go to their Disneyland place, I go to my Fentesssssssy place.)

And yes, I know, ten lashings for me for being so late on this insanely long post. Oh alright then, a hundred lashings. I don't care. I've got my Caramel Baileys. You know I can take it.

Mentions of the word "connection": 4
Mentions of the phrase "for the right reasons: only one. Sadly.

1
Melanie
May 15, 2007

I forgive you for being late. The direct quoting is great, you should do that more often - because, really, they are SO INANE. And hearing it straight out is great. "This show is not a joke, it's my LIFE!!!" He's touchy for a guy who just got to make out with that many girls -- and none of them bitch-slapped him.

2
Nikki
May 15, 2007

Wow -I just copied and pasted that entry into Word as was wondering.. 3,255 words!! Now THAT is dedication to the cause!!

3
Kate
May 15, 2007

Ah, so worth the wait, but I was kind of looking for the word count for "connection" and "amazing". I missed this week's episode. Can you believe that? I can't wait to hear what you have to say about the fentesssssy dates.

4
silverblue
May 15, 2007

Would you know my name, if I saw you in Bevin?

:D

5
Exiled to Canada
May 15, 2007

Ok, so maybe it's because I'm a lesbian, but every time I see a commercial for this freak show, Andy sets off my gaydar so badly I get a migraine! Personally, I think he's just trying to find a convincing beard to keep from getting turfed by Don't Ask, Don't Tell...

6
JB
May 15, 2007

Hooray! That's all I have to say.

And also that I would totally love a giant snowball too.

7
Katie
May 15, 2007

Your recaps are so hilarious that they actually made me watch an episode or two. I think ABC should be sending you some money.

8
Tracy27
May 15, 2007

Admit it - you're working for ABC already, aren't you? These recaps are part of a subversive marketing campaign to capture a larger share of the "I'm Only Watching This To Mock It" viewership market. The drag is that it's working; my resolve to never let that show touch my retinas is weakening with every laugh. Damn you, Burns!

9
liz
May 15, 2007

i know this recap is about last week, so this week hasn't happened yet at this point, but in last night's "previously...on the bachelor" segment they show tessa and andy sitting on the couch together at her family's home having their forced "who do you want to love" conversation and now *she* is wearing andy's dog tags. i would love to know how that transpired. why couldn't we see that conversation? i'm sure andy was all forceful and skeevy and tessa all mortified...but somehow she still ended up wearing them. shame on you, tessa.

10
Sheila
May 15, 2007

Way to go, Holly... now you've alienated all your little orange jacket-wearing readers. And their girlfriends.

Having said that, I now turn to compliments: this recap was SO worth the wait. Well done, as usual.

P.S. Yes, I did click the link and yes, I DID guess correctly too!

11
Chiada
May 15, 2007

Oh, girl, I think the only thing funnier than your recaps are Sean's quotes and how you describe him just sauntering past the TV and making his offhand remarks. I can just picture his hair all sticking out everywhere with his shirt sleeves rolled up and some grease smudged somewhere, while he's holding some odd car part in his hand. Oh yeah, he only changed the oil. Still. That really made me laugh.

Oh, and my Hub-E does have an orange jacket, except it's not a tiny shrunken orange leather jacket. It's cotton. Plus it's from Territory Ahead. So I think he's excused from the cardinal sin of wearing a shrunken orange leather jacket. (See this post: http://i77.photobucket.com/albums/j75/ciarra_taylor/P1010291.jpg)

12
Nothing But Bonfires
May 15, 2007

Yes, he's DEFINITELY excused. The rule only applies to shrunken leather jackets in orange. All other orange is totally cool.

13
camille
May 15, 2007

"A very little Andy" -- ha! Well-done, yet again. Seriously you should have your own recaps show.

14
smoness
May 15, 2007

"I would give you ten bucks if I asked Amber to spell “onomatopoeia” right and she did it. Or “coincidence.” Or “house.” Or “hat.”"

I think I need to change my Depends.

And uh, as someone who grew up in Sugar Land... it IS that boring. And I'm never moving back.
And seriously? The lashings? You deserve them! I didn't get to watch the last two episodes because of my stupid T.V. ban and I have yet to grow the juevos to set a season pass for it on TiVo. So I rely on the Bachelor posts! But I suppose I can forgive you since you make me laugh my ass off and all...

15
Kate
May 16, 2007

I watched The Bachelor (online) for the first time after you didn't post...I nearly died. I'm so sorry you go through that every week but I'm also thankful! Your posts are fun to read while the show...painful.

16
Dermot
May 16, 2007

Does this mean we get recap tomorrow as well? And have a double Bachelor week? (that just sounds so wrong...)

17
AT
May 16, 2007

Thanks for taking one for the team again! I feel like we all need to take you out and feed you really fancy food, or at least get you really drunk, for this sacrifice you make week after week.

I don't know how you do it. I think I would need a lobotomy by the time the final rose was handed out.

18
victoria
May 16, 2007

i get a mention! how exciting.
poor girl, the sacrifices you make for this blog. oh, the price of art.

that said, keep it up, because this blog is the fragile thread that keeps me tied to the breathtaking drama that is the bachelor.

19
LC
May 20, 2007

Did it hurt? Did it hurt when you fell from BEVIN?

20
Chaos Control
May 21, 2007

Wait. One. Minute. Caramel Baileys? Wow - I'm really old now - I didn't know such a beautiful speciman existed! Must find me some!!

I've given up on the Bachelor. He annoys me to no end - but I do love reading your re-caps! SO much more entertaining!