Oh dear, I've become something of a one trick pony, haven't I? And the only thing worse than becoming a one trick pony, I think, is becoming a one trick pony whose one trick is recapping old Bachelor episodes.
It's not like nothing's been going on in my life. Plenty has been going on in my life---I went to see the Shins live, my dad came to visit for the weekend, I lost my favorite sunglasses but considered it kind of a trade-off since I found a fantastic Thai place: I haven't been short of material! I've just been lazy, I guess. And now a week has gone by and the only thing I've posted is a Bachelor recap, and now I'm about to post another Bachelor recap, and soon any casual visitor to this site will think "oh, she posts Bachelor recaps, why doesn't she just call it Nothing But Bachelor?" when you and I both know that I used to write about more interesting things, things like 24-hour bus journeys through Burma and the time I pulled a muscle in my neck while flipping my hair. Besides, Nothing But Bachelor would make a horrible blog title, not to mention a grammatically incorrect and potentially confusing one. Presumably I would get a lot of e-mail from people planning their buddy Doug's bachelor party in Milwaukee. And then I would have to give advice about strippers. And really, if there's one thing I'm unqualified to do, it's give advice about strippers.
Having said all that, though, what do I have for you now? Why, only another Bachelor recap of course. It is, after all, Secret Bachelor Wednesday. I know, I know, life's a bitch---and this episode in particular will make you lose the will to live. But we're all in it together, you know? We're all, ahem, on the same journey. And hopefully the journey will terminate in a few weeks time with the producers of ABC turning to each other and saying "you know? We can't do another season of this---show's over, folks. Nobody ever even likes the bachelor we pick. And the way we're going, the girls are going to be about eleven on the next one. And we can't afford to get sued, not with Grey's Anatomy going down the pipes as well, I mean, could anyone be even more bored with Derek and Meredith?" Oh yes indeedy, let's all hope the journey ends there. And ends soon.
But for now! It's week four of this terrible piece of trash, and we open with the women being told they're about to go on a special date, a really special date, a special date, in fact, that will require a trip on a private jet, and this special date will take place in.....Lake Tahoe? Seriously? I mean Lake Tahoe is very pretty and all, but the girls on America's Next Top Model went to Australia! Was I the only one who was a little let down by Lake Tahoe? Oh wait, no, I'm sure Bevin was rather let down by Lake Tahoe as well, since Lake Tahoe is all about sports and the outdoors and Bevin has a CAST ON HER ANKLE. The other girls, of course, are ecstatic (or just really good fakers.) It's all "oh my god, Lake Tahoe, Lake Tahoe!" which at first I think is just a little bit bizarre, until it transpires that most of them don't actually know where Lake Tahoe is. Perhaps they think Lake Tahoe is in the Caribbean! "Is it....in Oregon?" asks Stephanie from Folly Beach.
So in Lake Tahoe---which we all know, of course, is in Arizona. Ha! Got you! Were you paying attention? It's in California!---the girls are shown to their suite, where Bevin promptly has a small breakdown. It's the sort of breakdown where your sobs sounds like choking, and you kind of can't breathe properly. This is the kind of crying that should be reserved for the deaths of loved ones or rejections from Harvard; this is not the sort of crying you should indulge in if you're pissed that a boy isn't going to notice you because you have a cast on your ankle, and also you're not going to look as pretty as the other girls in your dress. Seriously, Bevin. Get it together!
Amber, of course, ain't having none of it, and tells the camera that she's sure Bevin's ankle hurts and all, but in her opinion, she's "milking it." I don't know, maybe Bevin is just getting close to her Special Quality Time. Maybe she watched a very emotional episode of Oprah a few hours earlier and she can't get it out of her head. Maybe the weight of the world is just hanging too heavily on poor Bevin, and she can't help weeping in the bathroom of a suite in Tahoe because she's not getting the chance to wow a thin-lipped doctor in the way she'd like to. Whatever it is, the girls decide to "band together" to help her get ready in half an hour---although I'm almost willing to bet Amber wasn't so much steaming Bevin's dress as scrunching it up into a little ball to put a few more wrinkles into it.
After keeping Andy waiting, the girls finally make their appearance, and Andy immediately notices that Bevin is acting like a sulky three year old. ("What's wrong Bevin?" "Nothing." What's wrong, Bevin?" "Nothing." Oh, you know how that one rolls.) He takes her away to a private area, and she starts crying again. Again! Andy, however, finds this endearing, and sticks his tongue down her throat. The other women are gossiping about how Bevin's injury could “totally work to her advantage," while meanwhile, Andy and Bevin are totally making out pretty much right around the corner. After the liplock, Bevin says to the camera “hopefully the other women will be nice to me and not stab me in the back.” Oh sweetie, don't you know anything? This is The Bachelor!
For some reason we hit the casino, and it becomes Stephanie from Kansas’ turn to play Poor Little Sick Girl in order to get Andy’s attention. I’m really not quite sure what her deal is, but she's taken a cue from Bevin, having seen how much face time it got her with Andy, and starts spouting something about being “overwhelmed” because she hasn’t had any sleep and is feeling lots of “pressure.” She’s also very breathy. Andy seems slightly confused, but he's saved by Danielle---if only he was saved by one of the girls from South Carolina! Then I could have said he was "saved by the Belle!"---who comes in to interrupt for some reason. She calls him a gentleman. He makes out with her. He's having a busy night.
And yet when it comes to choosing the girl for Special Quality Time, Andy chooses Bevin. There's a strange conversation in which he says “I hope you’re okay with nerds. I always did the science fair in high school"---really? we'd never have guessed!---and then he changes tack a little, perhaps realizing he's exhausted the doctor card with Bevin, and starts talking about how he always wanted to be an astronaut. Gee, Andy, what impressive career are you going to pull out next? How about saying you used to be Elvis? Anyway, the astronaut thing works, because Bevin says something totally nauseating like "do you want to give me a check-up?"---I think we're back on the doctor thing now, not the astronaut thing---and there's a whole lot more making out, which I miss, unfortunately, because I'm too busy scraping my own vomit from the cracks in the boards of my hardwood floors. That stuff is a bitch to get out.
The next day is skiing! Kate, as you might imagine, is both monumentally crap and monumentally whiny. Andy and Tessa have a very weird and stilted conversation that sounds like something two FBI agents might have on a deserted park bench; I mean, they just stop short of "the red bird flies at midnight." Stephanie from Folly Beach ambushes Andy and spreads some rumors about "some of the other girls" being attention-seeking, insecure, and indecisive, and then admits that by "some of the other girls," she actually means "Amber." A little later, Kate stirs things up some more, by telling Andy during their alone time in the gondola that Stephanie from Folly Beach "isn't the kind of girl you want to take home to your parents." And yet Kate, in the miniscule dress she wore when she first met Andy, apparently is.
Drama, drama, drama when Tina gets awarded the Special Quality Time, and Stephanie from Folly Beach looks like she's about to spit nails. She goes back to the suite and sits in front of a window and cries, and then a few of the other girls come in and she pretends she’s crying because “it’s just so beautiful out here.” Kate rolls her eyes and says that she thinks Stephanie is “obsessed with Andy” and “crazy.” She is more than likely right.
Back at the top of the mountain, Andy and Tina are sitting around, acting perky together, and having the most boring Special Quality Time ever. Wow, these two are like that couple you never want to invite anywhere because you know they'll just sit around being bland, and yet you kind of have to invite them because your mother went to school with one of their aunts. Andy makes a lame joke about his chat with Tina being “just what the doctor ordered.” I tell you, this guy is seriously keen to make sure EVERYONE KNOWS HE'S A DOCTOR. And yet his logic is kind of skewed, because now he's talking about himself in the third person. He's ordering something for himself? Can doctors even write their own prescriptions? Someone get back to me on that. I've always wondered. Because if they can, it's a wonder they're not all morphine addicts.
Later on that evening, Andy comes to pick Amber up for their one-on-one date, and OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS HE WEARING? This is worse than Travis' lime green shirt! it's some sort of grey Fair Isle…..cardigan, with a wide lapel and chunky buttons. I think it's supposed to be very "rustic." (Did he really dress to match the ambiance of the cabin he's about to take Amber to? Oh yes, he did.) They sit in front of the fire---Amber spots the rose in the corner which she may or may not be awarded at the end of the night---and Andy talks about all the “cattiness and lies” going around the house. Amber worries that people are talking about her. I'm sorry, did we just go back to seventh grade? There's lots of "well, I heard...." and then Amber says that Andy needs to trust her because she’s---altogether now!---here for the right reasons.
Hot tub! Making out! Once he's secure that she's not going to stop kissing him, Andy climbs out of the hot tub, fetches the rose, and comes back to ask Amber if she'll accept it. And oh, quelle surprise, she does.
Back in L.A., it’s rose ceremony time! Andy rocks up in some sort of…strange Lamborghini type vehicle---I'm sorry, I don't know what it was, but it was silvery and sort of futuristic, and also the sort of car driven by a man trying to make up for the size of his, uh, gear stick---and Kate corners him somewhere and tries to apologize for stirring stuff up on the mountain. Too late, Kate, too late!
Stephanie from Folly Beach---who is wearing the most revealing dress I've ever seen in my life---admits that she's 90% sure she’s getting a rose. I swear to god, her boobs are so horribly fake, it's like seeing two canteloupe halves stuck onto the front of her chest. Does anyone believe these are real? Or natural-looking? Or attractive? I don't think she went to a doctor, I think she just did them herself! In the commercial break! The only thing that distracts me from them, in fact, is the sudden tsunami of drama---and by the way, you should be reading this as "drehhhhhhh-mah"---that unfolds over the next few minutes. For instance:
Andy and Bevin go outside and make out. Again.
Kate starts another rumor, telling Amber that Tina told her that Amber almost went all the way with Andy. (Did you get that? Do you feel twelve again? Would you like me to write it in a little note for you and pass it to you in homeroom and dot the "i" in Tina with a little heart?)
Amber tells Andy what's being said about them, and they console each other. “Whoever experiences this type of thing?” says Andy, aghast. Uh, people who sign up for the Bachelor, maybe?
Tessa suddenly has an insecurity crisis and tells Andy “”if you know what you want already, I don’t want to get hurt.” Andy obviously DOESN’T know, because he convinces Tessa to stay, and there’s some quasi-making out. Tessa, incidentally, seems to have done something a little weird with the fake tan.
And then here's our bachelor! He's got the roses, of course, and three girls will be going home without them; Amber, as we know, is safe, having put out in the hot tub earlier. After a lot of "it's been so hard" and "I have respect for you all," Andy hands out roses to Tessa, Danielle, Bevin, Tina, and---ladies, it's the final rose tonight---Stephanie from Kansas.
Which means all the South Carolina representatives---Kate, Nicole, and Stephanie from Folly Beach---are knocked out in one swoop! Kate is all meh, whatever, Nicole weeps and wails, saying "what in the hay-ull? How did this happen?" and Stephanie and her canteloupe halves are very dramatic---all "I wanted it! I needed it! I believed in it!" Man, when Nicole and Stephanie get back to Charleston, they need to audition for some community theatre. I have a strong feeling that next summer's amateur production of Guys and Dolls could have some pretty strong players! Thespian Libby, make some calls!
Next week: a large boat, Bevin and Andy making out for a change, the girls doing some charity work with kids, the romantic date of a lifetime, a million dollar car, two million dollars worth of diamonds, and me debating whether or not to end it all. Life, I mean, not the recaps. I know you wouldn't let me get away with ending the recaps.
Mentions of the word "connection": 11, if you can believe it.
Mentions of the phrase "for the right reasons": a fabulous 4.
Mention of the word "journey": only one this time, but we're getting there.