Oh, I've Got More Trash For You Than A Glad Bag On Garbage Day

Well, well, well, here we all are again for Secret Bachelor Wednesday---look, I've just given up on aiming for Secret Bachelor Tuesday, alright? I have a job now---and I've got my large glass of Baileys, and you've got your...well, whatever gets you through. I've also got a very large bar of Symphony chocolate, presented to me by Sean "because you were cranky."

(This is Sean's new thing, you see, he keeps buying chocolate and hiding it in drawers and cupboards, and then when he decides I need a random mood boost---which, hi, is all the time---he says things like "lovely, could you get me the butter, please?" And of course I'm all "why the hell do you need the butter? God! Get it yourself!" and then I stomp to the kitchen, open the refrigerator door, reach into the butter compartment, and find a large bar of Symphony chocolate, which immediately assuages the crankiness I'd hitherto sworn I wasn't guilty of but suddenly have no problem confessing to. It's a very effective tactic, and one I'm sure he wishes he'd thought of five years earlier. I mean, ask yourself this: would Andy hide secret chocolate bars for the women to find when they were cranky? I think not. And if he did, he'd probably make them wear a pretty dress and stand in a line while he gave them out, asking each one whether they accepted the secret chocolate bar.)

(I would reject it, wouldn't you? Just on principle, I mean. Unless it was a Caramello, then we'd have to see.)

So anyway, we open episode three with a large bald man yelling at all the girls, who are dressed in their pajamas and bathrobes. (I'm not actually sure, by the way, if this is what we open with, or just what I open with, since I was a few minutes late turning on the television, on account of being sent into the kitchen to look for the "butter." Oh, and by the way: you can catch up on episode one of The Bachelor here and episode two here if you want to. No judgements. We're all friends. )

So this large bald man turns out to be some sort of drill seargant, who shepherds the girls outside and has them doing jumping jacks on the lawn, while yawning blearily. He also shouts things at them like "Ask yourselves THIS! Do I want this ROSE or do I want to go home EARLY?" Erin---the Barbie, you remember her---says "I'm pretty pissed. Because I just had to exercise on a date." You know, I'd probably be pretty pissed too. This is really too much exercising, and I am not of the belief that sweat is conducive to romance. (I'm fairly certain that's the only thing Erin and are likely to agree on. I, for example, do not believe in aspiring to look like Pamela Anderson, and yet this is apparently Erin's sole mission in life.)

Anyway, Bevin---she's from Palo Alto, we like her second best, although our favorite, if you remember, is Tessa---starts being really hardcore and doing her jumping jacks with extra vigor and saying "sir, yes sir!" to the drill seargant like she's G.I. Jane herself, and oh, this backfires terribly, because Bevin ends up breaking her ankle! Well, we're not sure if she breaks it, but she seems to be in genuine pain, crying really hard in the way you can only cry when you're in genuine pain---I should know, I once broke my wrist snowboarding and all pretensions of coolness melted away while I succumbed to the sobs and begged my friends to go and find my dad---and then guess what happens next? Oh yes! Andy, our knight in shining armor turns up, running down the driveway WITH A ROSE IN HIS HAND, and the drill seargant says---in possibly the most scripted segment of reality TV ever, and also the most like a porno---"are you the medic?"

And Andy says "No, I'm the doctor."

Let that settle in for a moment. Is that the cheesiest thing ever or what?

Well, think again, because there's more! While Bevin's crying and groaning in pain and getting her tears and snot everywhere, Andy suddenly busts out with "Bevin! Will you accept this rose?" And even though he doesn't add "...because that will totally make everything all better, I swear, I mean, it'll probably heal your broken ankle," you can tell he's thinking it. I mean, dude, shut up with the roses already! Sometimes the situation just doesn't call for them! Roses don't heal broken bones!

Bevin's all "sure, whatever, now take me to the hospital, this shit hurts," and an ambulance takes the two of them away, sirens wailing purely for effect. Some hours later, Host Chris Harrison comes into the house and tells the girls that Bevin is fine and will be coming back to the house, and there's some barely-concealed disappointment from some of the bitchier girls. But it's forgotten with the arrival of the date box, which has Amber, Tina, Nicole, and both Stephanies going to a mud pool with Andy, giving the latter way too much leeway to make all sorts of puns about getting "down and dirty." (Producers, what were you thinking? Couldn't you guess he'd say something like that?)

The date is sort of blah, with Folly Beach Stephanie prancing around in her bikini and Tina feeling uncomfortable with "other girls putting their hands all over the man that I'm supposed to be marrying," and then Andy chooses Stephanie W.---who is not the Stephanie from Folly Beach---for his Special Quality Time (smirk), causing the Stephanie who is from Folly Beach to get all angry and jealous. She needn't have worried though; Special Quality Time, which we are told involves a massage, in fact involves Stephanie W. giving Andy a massage, not the two of them getting a massage together. Which either means that Stephanie W. is really gung-ho and suggested this herself---or really stupid! Never turn down a free massage!---or that maybe ABC is having to tighten its belt a little and cut down on the number of massages it can afford its Bachelor participants.

The next group date is at a race track---god, these dates suck---and before it even gets started, it seems to turn into some sort of confessional, as we learn in very quick succession and totally arbitrarily that Amanda used to drive at 120 miles an hour in order to make it home for curfew, Erin finds shooting guns "a stress reliever" and Danielle once woke up next to a corpse. (Okay, that last one was actually kind of sad: the corpse was her boyfriend of three years. Still, I'm not sure that's the sort of information I'd share on a second date.)

The girls race Mustangs with Andy in the passenger seat in his little girlie-man shrunken leather jacket, and it all goes fairly well until Erin remembers that she can't drive stick, and starts stalling and bunny-hopping all over the place. To her credit, though, she picks it up fairly quickly, and that's really quite impressive---I mean, it took me about a year to learn to drive stick, and even then, I used to have to stop the car on hills and get the person in the car behind me to restart it again, drive over the hill, and then let me back in, because I was so scared of rolling backwards. True story!

Anyway, possibly because of this stunning display of initiative, Erin gets the Special Quality Time with Andy, and Kate makes a rather catty remark about it looking like Barbie and Ken driving off in their dream car into the sunset. (Uh, Kate? Pot, kettle, black? You do have the long, blonde hair yourself, my dear, and let's not forget that you wore the shortest dress in the history of mankind in the first episode, even calling attention to the dress, so that Andy had to say "why yes, that is a short dress." Let's remember the rule about stones and glass houses, shall we?) In the car, Andy tries to get Erin to talk to him, and then calls her a little “closed down.” Really? I just call her “dumb.” He says he thinks there’s more to Erin than meets the eye, but uh, actually, I don’t think so. I think it’s pretty much what you see is what you get.

Back at the house, Tessa and the Sorority Recruiter (whose real name is Peyton, but I prefer just to call her the Sorority Recruiter, because seriously, what the hell kind of job is that?) receive their "date bag" for their two-on-one date with Andy, and it includes a white Navy hat and the most awful and nauseating t-shirt in the world that says “future sailor’s wife.” They show up in San Diego at the Naval dock (I've been there!) and see the aircraft carriers, and the Sorority Recruiter says "are we seriously going on that big-ass thing?" And yes, it transpires that they are.

On board the USS Midway---which, by the way, isn't a real aircraft carrier anymore, just a place tourists can visit to see what being in the Navy is like---Andy says “I feel so at home.” (Sean scoffs “pah, it’s only a museum! Go across the way and get on a real ship!” Sean, you see, used to work on one of those real ships, back when he lived in San Diego and he did things with nuclear reactors, and thus feels qualified to scoff at Andy.) They take a tour of the ship and Andy points out a little exhibit where mannequins in scrubs are standing over a body with scalpels in their hands and says "there I am!" Well, they are dummies...

While Andy plays doctor with Bevin---"I have a flutter in my heart!”“Well, it seems like you just need some love!"---Tessa seems to be having trouble keeping a straight face, and then all three of them sit on a bench, where Andy gets a little more mileage out of his favorite question "have you ever dated a doctor before?" I'm really getting sick of hearing about how Andy is a doctor. I mean, if he's such a great doctor, couldn't he have grafted himself a new top lip? Yeah! How about them apples?

They have dinner on some sort of....airfield or something? with planes flying around in the background messing up everyone's hair, and talk about how one of the girls is going to get the rose and be able to stay, and the other is going to get sent home. The Sorority Recruiter decides to step it up when she has her Alone Time with Andy and says “I’m crazy about you. I think you’re wonderful. You’re the kind of person I’m looking for. And that’s, like, one hundred percent me saying that.” Well, I hate to break it to you, honey, but all the other girls are saying the same thing too, so it's only about 22% you saying that. Andy replies that the Sorority Recruiter embodies so much of what he's about. Which is what? Recruiting people for sororities? Do doctors do that too these days? No wonder he has to keep talking about his job.

During his Alone Time with Tessa, the wind is blowing Andy’s hair in a most unfortunate way, so as to give him bangs. He’s also slurring slightly. He talks about how well he knows "San Fran" and the Marina district (aha! that explains so much!) and then a helicopter circles ahead and there's a huge kafuffle and then Andy has to choose the girl he wants to keep and get airlifted back to LA with her, while the other one has to, like, catch the Greyhound back to whatever podunk town she's from. (And by the way, the Greyhound station in San Diego is really not a place you want to be. My brother and I saw Jesus there once. And I don't mean that we had some sort of religious experience; I mean that there was a guy with a long beard and long white robes pacing up and down outside, speaking in tongues.)

So Andy, with furrowed brow, gives the rose to Tessa. There’s some sniffling, and I swear to god it’s from Andy---oh my god it is, he’s totally crying---and then he mumbles through tears to the Sorority Recruiter, “if you’ll wait here” while he escorts Tessa to the helicopter, and then he comes back to the Sorority Recruiter and they hug and have the "it's not you, it's me" converstation, and the Sorority Recruiter says very eloquently “this just sucks.”

Tessa and Andy kiss in the helicopter (ew), with the Soroity Recruiter only a few hundred feet below, and then Andy says that Tessa is “very much wife material," which, I mean, ew again, he might as well have just said what lovely child-bearing hips she had.

Rose Ceremony! Andy spends some time with the girls at the mansion---skeeving all over Bevin and calling her "my favorite patient," and then making out with her, which I'm fairly certain violates some sort of doctor/patient code, does it not?---and then Tina asks Andy what his flaws are, and he replies with something about being too hard on himself. Really? I'd say it was having no top lip.

The girls line up to wait for the roses to be handed out---Bevin and Tessa sit off to the side, having already received their roses this week---and Andy distributes the leftovers to Amber, Danielle, Stephanie from Kansas, Tina, Kate (who does something very unattractive with her chin when she accepts the rose), Nicole, and then Stephanie from Folly Beach. (There are three Charleston girls in the line-up! I wonder if they know each other! I can't imagine that they wouldn't. Why, even I know which "boutique" Kate owns. Check this out.)

Next week! Lake Tahoe, snow, skiing, drama, crying, hot-tubbing, more crying, lots of giggling, and a whole ton of bitchery. I'm fairly certain you can feel my unabashed excitement from here.

Mentions of the word "connection": a nice strong 6 again
Mentions of the phrase "for the right reasons": a wonderful 3.

1
nancy
Apr 18, 2007

I LOVE SECRET BACHELOR TUESDAYS!!! err, I mean WEDNESDAYS!!!!

2
nancy
Apr 18, 2007

I LOVE SECRET BACHELOR TUESDAYS!!! err, I mean WEDNESDAYS!!!!

Thank you! I was so excited to see them back again this season. :)

3
Sarah Marie
Apr 18, 2007

I tuned into the trash even later than you--when Tessa and the Sorority Recruiter were on the museum ship talking about the cafeteria food. For a couple seconds I was confused because I totally thought that the mannequin behind the counter was real! Thanks for filling me in on all of the details I missed. Now I'm hooked!

4
Betty
Apr 18, 2007

Since I don't watch The Bachelor, only keep up with it through "Secret Bachelor Wednesday's", I went to The Bachelor website to check out his lips! I see what you mean! I also found this in his bio. "Andy's achievements are matched by his good-natured personality, stunning good looks and self-deprecating sense of humor." Gag.....

5
jes
Apr 18, 2007

I must confess that I have NEVER, ever watched the Bachelor. I am a bit proud of that fact.

But then I remember that I did watch that show about those women who all competed to marry a millionaire - what was the name of that show, again? - and now I want to know: where were you and your recaps THEN, Holly?

Because this? Is genious.

6
Nothing But Bonfires
Apr 18, 2007

Joe Millionaire! Oh, those were the days...

7
DM
Apr 18, 2007

Oh, I love this show. Well, I should say I don't watch the show but I love reading about you watching the show. Awesome. I cannot believe there was a drill seargant. I think I would have punched Andy.

8
Lissa
Apr 18, 2007

Perhaps my favorite part was when they were walking to the helicopter and Andy says "Oh hold on a second let me go get the rose." I don't know why but this cracked me up!

9
Chiada
Apr 18, 2007

He is such an egit.

10
Josh
Apr 18, 2007

what was the one where they all wore masks? that was creepy.

11
Leah
Apr 18, 2007

I like to keep track of how many times people say "a-MAAAAY-zing" when describing, oh, everything.

"San Fran" and "oh, I totally know the Marina" were my most/least favorite parts of last episode.

12
Diane
Apr 18, 2007

I love that Sean 1) gave you chocolate to help with your case of the 'cranks' (my husband also does the same) and 2) scoffs at his Navy 'expertise'. Seriously - was he in the navy for about 5 minutes before they turfed him for lack of an upper lip.

I love the recaps - keep 'em coming!

13
liz
Apr 18, 2007

as a self-professed Bachelor watcher (i have no shame when it comes to my reality tv obsession) i am proud to announce that my husband now watches with me instead of hiding in his room, as he did during previous seasons, where he would watch in secret and then later deny any and all knowledge of Rose Ceremonies and The Right Reasons. i am especially proud that when i asked, "Danielle? Who's Danielle?" he was quick to respond by saying "Dead-Boyfriend Girl, duh!" complete with an eye-roll to show his disappointment in my ability to keep all these blondes straight. also, it was he who pointed out that Andy did not simply "come back" to PayTon after delivering Tessa to the helicopter, but rather he pranced. i believe his exact words were "wow, Andy's a little light in the loafers tonight." i certainly married him for all the right reasons.

14
jes
Apr 18, 2007

No, no, no. Not Joe Millionaire! WAYYYYY before that. What was it called? "So You Want To Marry A Millionaire" or something?

Oh! Oh! I've got it: "Who Wants To Marry A Multi-Millionaire?" (Fine, you're right - I had to Google it.)

Remember? With the nurse? And the big boobs? AND DARVA CONGER?

15
Russell Parton
Apr 18, 2007

Holly, Holly, Holly, what does any of this mean? Love ya all the same.

16
Kristin
Apr 19, 2007

De-lurking to wonder...did anyone else notice how long Andy's nipples are? Ewww! I can handle the missing upper lip, but not the inch long man mammaries!

17
Melanie
Apr 19, 2007

Wait, he has long nipples AND no top lip AND says dumb stuff and women still want him? Don't they realize there are normal men still left in the world?

18
steppingoverthejunk
Apr 19, 2007

I still can't figure out how the guy pulled this watch out of his butt to give to broken-leg-girl in the time he spent with her in the hospital, in the midst of pain and whatever the doctors did to fix her up... That was very strange indeed and disturbing to me...she got a rose AND a watch. I wonder if they sold it in the hospital gift shop.

19
gina in sc
Apr 19, 2007

ohhh yeah i remember darva conger. yikes.... i thought i killed those brain cells long ago..

20
Melanie
Apr 19, 2007

I Love your recap but you left out one important point that I thought you would be all over!
I taped it (oh the shame) so that I could watch it later in the week and I noticed last night that when he gave the rose to Tessa he SLURRED "Tessa, you will accept this rose?" It sounded so pitiful and I rewound my tape about 3 times and laughed loudly on my couch by myself.

21
a fellow holly
Apr 19, 2007

I'm also de-lurking to make this comment, and I may live to regret it, but...
back when Darva Conger was in all her post-millionair glory, she ended up posing for Playboy. Being the reality tv whore that I am when I spotted it in my co-workers bathroom(keepin it classy, ya know) I had to take a look. The only thing I remember thinking is she had ridiculously long nipples...it was kinda creepy. So maybe she and our no-lipped doctor friend should get together????

ick...their poor children. Anyway, love the re-caps!

22
paper shredder
Apr 20, 2007

I believe his exact words were “wow, Andy’s a little light in the loafers tonight.

23
Jessica
Apr 20, 2007

you are making me have to start watching this show.

damn you

24
Horrible Warning
Apr 21, 2007

Holy hell, that "San Fran" thing made me scream at the TV. No one calls it that...it's SF, you moron!

And I live 100 miles away.

And I don't even watch The Bachelor.

Only one of those last 2 things is true. You guess.

25
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Apr 25, 2007

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65
Frank fernandis
Apr 30, 2007

Wow, Andy’s a little light in the loafers tonight.” i certainly married him for all the right reasons.