Secret Bachelor Wednesday Is The New Secret Bachelor Tuesday

First, I feel compelled to tell you that before I could get started on this recap, I had to bribe myself with a large bowl of Thin Mint cookie ice cream in order to convince myself to relive the horrendous 90 minutes of lowest common denominator programming I had to sit through yesterday. (What, you didn't know the Girl Scouts made Thin Mint ice cream now, as well as regular Thin Mint cookies? Because they do. The bitches. It's alright for them; they're eight years old. They don't have hips. They don't care.)

But anyway, I digress; the point is, Monday night's episode of The Bachelor was so abysmal that I shudder to think that any of you actually watched it. I prefer to imagine that I was instead the only person in America who tuned in, the sole martyr sitting at home in her apartment, taking one for the team. Because this episode featured a triathlon. And two hot-tub moments. And a yacht. And holy mother of god, have I mentioned how repellent I find the bachelor himself? It's gone beyond the fact that he has no top lip. He also has no soul. And no tact. And---quite possibly, though really I don't want to stick around to find out---no cojones. Well, alright then, maybe he has one. Tops.

So we open with Chris Harrison telling us that the girl who got the First Impression Rose last week gets to have the first solo date with Andy; that girl, if you remember, was Stephanie from Folly Beach. Now, you might find this interesting, but I feel that Stephanie from Folly Beach slightly resembles an old girlfriend of Sean's, and so I have hated her from the start. By the end of this episode, however, I have found at least 25 other things to hate about her, so really, the passing resemblance to Sean's ex-girlfriend was never really that huge of a handicap in the first place. I mean, she's just annoying without even having that held against her. And I say this with some disappointment, you know, because Folly Beach is really just part of Charleston, and I sort of wanted to like her because of that. But, man. No. Not meant to be.

So the other girls have to fight it out on a seven-man group date; the first of which involves Nicole, Tiffany, Alexis, Stephanie from Kansas (AKA: The Better Stephanie), Bevin, Amanda, and Tessa riding around in what appears to be a pimped out Greyhound bus, looking for love on the Sunset Strip. (I swear to god, that's what Andy says: "let's find love on the Sunset Strip." Which at first I thought meant they were going to frequent a few of the more, ahem, active street corners on the Sunset Strip and pick up hookers. Which, let's face it, would have been a whole lot more entertaining than riding around in a Greyhound and pointing out such Los Angeles-specific sights as, um, the House of Blues. I mean, really, why didn't they just go "oh my god, an Olive Garden! An Old Navy! A Target!")

By the way, since you're probably vomiting already, here is another thing Andy says: “Operation Soulmate is about to begin.” Dude, I'm so not kidding. He actually says that. I mean, who says that? Andy says that, that's who says that. Is it some sort of military thing? Or is it just a general tool sort of thing? We need to find out. In the meantime, though, I'm just going to start using that in everyday conversation. Like "hey, Sean, can you set the table? Operation Dinner is about to begin!" or "Hi, I'm here for my 10 o'clock appointment? Operation Dental Checkup is about to begin!"

(By the way, we don't really set the table. We usually eat on our laps in front of the television. Just so you don't feel inadequate or anything. I mean, I don't even own a tablecloth.)

So anyway, after they've searched for love on the Sunset Strip---which apparently involves some mechanical bull-riding---Andy takes the women to a hotel room full of dresses and tells them to pick one to wear, and to meet him out on the roof deck wearing it. And really, this sort of makes my skin crawl. I don't know what it is about men telling women what to wear, but it's so totally Indecent Proposal, yet without Robert Redford or a decent plot or Woody Harrelson, so really not very much like Indecent Proposal at all actually, and in fact kind of just like a creepy Navy doctor telling a bunch of women to try on dresses for him, which, ew. What I find even more disturbing, however, is that the women have to try these dresses on WITHOUT A FULL-LENGTH MIRROR.

There's lots of oohing and aahing as the girls come out onto the patio in their dresses and Andy pervs all over them and addresses them as "ladies" and then Andy and Charleston Nicole do that cheesy thing where you dance without music like you think you're in a Meg Ryan film. And then there's a fight between the women about whether or not it's slutty to kiss on the first date (Alexis says yes; Bevin, that ho-bag, says no), and then in the next shot, we discover that Alexis considers herself "very conservative." And Andy says he respects that. Although I have to say I'm betting he won't respect it for very long, like when he finds out she won't kiss on the first date.

Alexis asks Andy what he values most, and he says “family, life, and living each day to the fullest.” And do you know, I hate that cliché. Because sometimes you just don’t want to live each day to the fullest, do you? I mean, bungee jumping and skydiving and licking the bowl after baking brownies even though you know full well it contains raw egg and could potentially give you salmonella, those are alright for when you want to live on the edge and Give It All You've Got, but some days you just want to curl up in your pajamas and not open the curtains all day and just read a really good book while eating peanut butter straight from the jar with one hand. I mean, living each day to the fullest could get really exhausting, couldn't it? Why not just live some to the fullest, and give yourself a break for the others?

Anyway, it wouldn’t be a season of The Bachelor without a hot tub, of course, so all the girls strip off and climb in---I have to say, Alexis doesn't seem very conservative now----and then Bevin and Andy jump in the pool together and all the other girls get jealous (I'm thinking Andy must have overheard that Bevin kisses on the first date), and then Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, this date just goes on and on, because Andy chooses Tiffany to spend some Special Quality Time with him---seriously, they say it like it's capitalized like that---and it results in some very stilted and boring conversation, in which Andy comes out with such modest gems as "so, have you ever dated a doctor before?"

(By the way, before I forget, the next time someone asks you why you're inhaling a bar of chocolate and snapping at them while crying over that Kleenex commercial, just tell them you must be getting close to your Special Quality Time.)

The next group date turns out to feature an Iron Man competition, which for most of the women means wearing some very short shorts and complaining about getting their hair wet and smudging their mascara. Whatever, what they should be complaining about is having to run in a bikini top! Seriously! No support! Amber wins the race---and thus the (smirk) Special Quality Time with Andy---and they take a Long Walk On The Beach and appear to be falling in love. Already. And oh, PS, Amber is 23.

Back at the house, Folly Beach Stephanie---who, by the way, I am 90% certain has had a boob job, possibly between the first and the second episodes---is choosing a dress for her solo date. She meets Andy aboard a yacht which he totally pretends is his, and then they beat the cheesiness of the aforementioned dancing-with-no-music thing by reenacting a scene from Titanic (and reenacting it wrong, I might add. I mean, neither of them even remembered to say "I'm the king of the world!" and THAT'S THE MOST FAMOUS PART.) Then Stephanie confuses the word "animosity" with the word "attitude"---"yeah, some girls did try to give me animosity for getting a solo date with you"---and then, bizarrely, she asks him what kind of wedding he wants. Which, what? I mean, didn't she just break the first rule of dating? Don't bring up marriage or babies for the first, oh, ten years or so?

More hot-tubbing, some kissing, and one rose later, Stephanie gets in the limo after her date is over and immediately screams into the camera HE'S AWESOME I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HIM AGAIN OH MY GOD!, which startles me out of the coma I've fallen into, I'll tell you that. Back at home, she totally lies to the women and pretends she didn't kiss Andy, then eavesdrops on them discussing how they think she totally lied.

So! Rose ceremony! Finally! Andy enters saying "ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies!", which obviously is four times more horrendous than just addressing them as "ladies"---and here I was thinking that calling them "ladies" was gross and patronizing enough---and sits down to talk to some of the women before deciding which three to send home. Everyone tries to defend themselves to Andy---the girl who sang the Star Spangled Banner to him last week confesses that a lot of guys think she's too ambitious; the Sorority Recruiter bemoans the fact that no-one believes Sorority Recruiter is a real job, UM NO SHIT---and then Folly Beach Stephanie starts a rumour that Alexis is a virgin. Because that's the kind of girl Folly Beach Stephanie is. Alexis keeps quiet and, amazingly, refrains from punching Folly Beach Stephanie in the jaw.

Amber takes Andy upstairs to “see the house" (because I guess she couldn't use the "come and check out my record collection" line, this being the age of iPods) and then Tessa---who I'm actually starting to like; she's the one from San Francisco who told Andy in the last episode about going to Peru with her mother---says "how about a foot massage?" And Andy, slightly taken aback, says "um, okay," and grabs her foot, and she says "no, I meant I'd give you one," and it's all very endearing and "you go, no you go, no you," and also, in case I haven't mentioned, Tessa looks gorgeous in her yellow dress. I really like Tessa. I wish she wasn't on The Bachelor. I think then I'd like her even more.

But then Tessa goes missing! The Sorority Recruiter runs upstairs to find her---perhaps this is one of the job duties of Sorority Recruiters, because really, I can't think what else they'd do---and it turns out that Tessa is merely having some sort of "meltdown" (i.e.: she drank too much gin and got emotional) and isn't quite sure if being one of 15 girls dating the same man is "the right choice" for her anymore. At first I totally want her to go downstairs and tell Andy to stick his rose in his top-lipless mouth, but then I realize I would miss her and her pretty yellow dress, and so I say a silent prayer that she sees sense and stays. Oh, Tessa! Perhaps I will see you on the streets of San Francisco one day and we will become friends! Well, one can only hope.

So the roses are handed out, and they go to Tessa (yes!), Danielle (a graphic designer from Connecticut, who I'd totally forgotten was on the show), Bevin (she kisses on the first date, you know), Amber (who won the triathlon), Stephanie from Kansas (AKA: The Better Stephanie), Kate (wait, who is Kate?), Nicole (the one who dances with no music, and who is also from Charleston), Tina (the one who sang to Andy last week), the Sorority Recruiter, someone called Amanda (I honestly don't recall an Amanda on the show; was she important?), and then Erin, who by the way I have neglected to mention up until now, but who spent most of the show imitating a Barbie doll, and also most likely hoping that Andy wouldn't discover that she was actually 39 and had just had a lot of very good work done, and really needed to be leaving soon, come to think of it, to pick up her sons (Dakota and Dakota) from soccer practice, only she couldn't drive because, oops, she'd taken way too many Vicodin with her Crystal Light.

So Conservative Alexis goes home, as does Special Quality Time Tiffany, and also someone named Susan who was friends with Erin the Soccer Mom Barbie. Alexis, apparently, is not fazed by the rejection, because God is in control, and God will work it out. She's not going to "lose it over a guy who doesn't want her to be here." Which, depending on whether or not you believe the rumor that she's a virgin, could be the most awesome Freudian slip ever.

Next week! Mud wrestling, car racing, Andy in aviator glasses, some sort of boot camp, and an ambulance taking someone away with all the lights flashing and sirens blaring. Also next week: a recap that does not take you three-quarters of the day to read, I promise. I swear to god, I've given myself carpal tunnel syndrome just typing this. Maybe I need a doctor. A Naval doctor. One who was voted "humanitarian of the year" and who runs triathlons and who has no top lip. Where in the name of Jimminy Cricket would I find me one of those?

Mentions of the word "connection": a whopping 6
Mentions of the word "journey": sadly, none.

1
jodi
Apr 11, 2007

thank you for saving me from this. living overseas makes me long for news from home, but this, this reminds me of why i left, but in a comically ironic way, so i don't have to feel too bad about bashing my homeland.... of course, i'm sure BBC will soon start their own version, so I'll have to tune in.

;)

we do get E! here tho and I find myself drawn to it when feeling homesick. god, I've just outed myself as a sometimes E-dict.

2
Erica
Apr 11, 2007

Yeah that ep. was pretty horrendous. I'll just leave it to you from here on out. Two of the Andy quotes though, brought to mind a thought I had the other night about how easy to tell which lines were scripted and when he gets to freestyle. For instance: "Operation Soulmate" - scripted, "Uh so like did you ever date a doctor before?" - all Andy
He is just grody! I hope he and Folly Beach Stephanie get marrried and have heinous children together.

3
Nomes
Apr 11, 2007

I used to be affianced to a soldier. We had Operations all over the place. Until I became a doctor, outshadowed him, discovered his predilection for transvestite hookers (so that's why we weren't getting a mortgage...) and dumped his sorry mother*ucking ass.

No, I'm not bitter. I merely want Andy to accidentally trip under someone's stilletos...

4
Lawyerish
Apr 11, 2007

I love Tessa.

And Erin looks like Donatella Versace.

5
RockyCat
Apr 11, 2007

Thank you so much for watching this, so I don't have to! Your recaps are hilarious - much better, I'm sure, than the show.

6
Janssen
Apr 11, 2007

This happened to be on one of the TVs at the gym on Monday night, and I watched about twenty minutes of it (I've never seen it before) and I too came to the conclusion that Stephanie is a total whore. I think she and Andy deserve each other.

7
Kelli
Apr 11, 2007

I love Secret Bachelor Tuesdays/Wednesdays - especially because I don't even have to watch the show! You're recaps are perfect and always have my cracking up!

8
lisa
Apr 11, 2007

Special Quality Time... I laughed and laughed! Didn't you just eat? Shut up--it's my Special Quality Time!!!

9
elise
Apr 11, 2007

Barbie Soccer Mom Erin sounds like she may have something sneaky up her sleeve. I think we'd all better watch her carefully....

10
Jess (the other one)
Apr 11, 2007

All I can say is: THANK YOU for making me laugh today! I know it is a huge commitment every week, but I LOVE it. I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate your carpal tunnel syndrome.

11
-R-
Apr 11, 2007

I feel the need to comment just to let you know that sometimes my husband and I dance without music in the kitchen if we are actually cooking for once, and it is cute! Cute, I tell you! I think the key differences may be that (1) my husband and I actually know each other unlike the bachelor and the ladies, and (2) we are not on national television.

12
Unstrung Harpy
Apr 11, 2007

Wait, were you serious about the mud wrestling and boot camp for next week? If so, I cannot wait for that recap! It sounds like The Bachelor is morphing into ANTM, my favorite trashy reality show of all time.

13
smoness
Apr 11, 2007

Okay, so I'm going to quit watching the show and just read your re-caps, because seriously? You are much better than the show.

I cannot tell you how many times I yelled at the television Monday night. Oh, and I kind-of have to root for Amber since she's from Sugar Land, TX and that's my home town. Though, the whole "I could just stay here forever/falling in love on the beach" thing was a little much. Haven't you known him for all of three-and-a-half seconds? I don't get it. And I hate that he kept calling that yacht his boat. "...and this is where I eat my breakfast..." (smacking forehead) I can't wait for next week. ;)

14
Lori
Apr 11, 2007

I have absolutely no problem with posts that take three quarters of a day to read, but I am confused about when, exactly, The Bachelor became a 2 hour show. Seriously? When the show was good, it was only an hour long, right? Now that it is nothing short of painful to watch, they stretch it out for two hours? Makes. No. Sense.

15
barbie2be
Apr 11, 2007

oh holly, i love you for saving me from having to watch the entire show. i tuned in just in time to see the Rose Ceremony.

i was cracking up at erin (soccer mom barbie?) whispering to the other girl with blonde hair and a red dress that she thought they would both be going home. that other girl had some weird twitch to her head like she was having a seizure or something. and then the girl in the back row with the dark hair and prominient eyebrows looked like her right eyebrow had a twitch too.

where did they find these girls?

16
A Different Lori
Apr 11, 2007

That was a great recap. Much better than the pain I endured actually watching the show. I was so ashamed when my husband came home early and caught me watching it. What must he think? This is NOT how I spend my free time. Really. I read books. I think about things! I am NOT a Bachelor fan. Particularly Icky Andy!

17
stacey
Apr 11, 2007

Wait, did Peyton go home?

18
Superfantastic
Apr 11, 2007

Wow, what you go through for us. I sort of feel like I should send you some Thin Mint ice cream for your trouble. Except, what with my Special Quality Time coming up, I might eat it before I got to the FedEx place.

19

I love the parenthetical aside in paragraph 6.

20
camille
Apr 11, 2007

I love it-- well done! I wish you would also do America's Next Top Model recaps... or for all the shows I watch, for that matter.

21
gina in sc
Apr 11, 2007

wait! is erin really a mom? those two girls...... sheesh....... i think they found love in each other and didnt give a crap about no lip.

22
whoorl
Apr 11, 2007

If that heinous fug is the best man America has to offer, I weep for this country.

23
Scarlett
Apr 11, 2007

I'm just sayin' that at least the one named Tessa is not eye-pokingly annoying.

And that was a sucky episode. I stopped watching halfway through and have been waiting for this recap to find out what happened.

24
Adele
Apr 11, 2007

You really took one for the team there, Holly. I can feel my brain melting at the sheer inanity of it all.

25
Suki
Apr 11, 2007

Embarrassed to admit that I watched it too. Used to think it fell into the "it's so bad, it's good" category, but not so sure anymore. Although Operation Soulmate is friggin' awesome!! Lines like that will keep me tuning in. But seriously 60 minutes is PLENTY.

26
Clink
Apr 11, 2007

As a reality TV producer (but a nice one! Please don't throw shoes at me!), I can guarantee with absolute certainty that a producer fed him the "Operation Soulmate" line. Because even if he is Sir Cheesy No Top Lip, I don't think anyone but a reality TV producer could come up with a line like that. I apologize on behalf of my colleagues for forcing audiences to sit through drivel like that. Drivel taht, incidentally, makes network executives squeal with glee.

27
Woo hoo
Apr 11, 2007

Seriously, this is the best part of the show. Thanks for saving the rest of us.

28
barbie2be
Apr 11, 2007

holly, did you know that you can go to girl scout headquarters (at least here in san jose) year round to buy cookies? because sometimes, you know, in july or august you just have to have some thin mint GS cookies!

29
Sam
Apr 11, 2007

Thank you so much for saying how horrible the episode was. I felt a tad bit guilty abandoning it, and then I felt EVEN GUILTIER (if that's a word?) thinking about you, fabulous you, having to watch it for us. It just really, really creeped me out to watch these lovely women giggling and cooing over this DUMB BOY - I mean, honestly, girls!

And you've made me feel much better about not owning a tablecloth. Placemats are about as far as I've gotten with table decor.

30
Sheila
Apr 11, 2007

My, that was one unfortunate twitch Virgin Alexis had. I saw it when Folly Beach Stephanie was trying to get Alexis to admit to her virginity (a la every slumber party you've ever been to since the eighth grade), and again when it was becoming painfully clear that she was not going to get a rose. Pity she's gone-- I was kind of looking forward to what happened next, after the eye-twitching got out of control.

So, next week-- I'm expecting more wrist pain out of you, Holly, especially after we see the circumstances that warrant Andy shouting , "I'm not a medic, I'm a doctor!" It reminds me of the doc on Star Trek, oft quoted: "Dammit, Jim, I'm just a country doctor!"

(Confidential P.S. To Dutch: You liked the aside because YOU TOTALLY GET IT NOW, don't you?)

31
Thespian Libby
Apr 11, 2007

I really really tried to watch this. I kept hoping I'd reach the "it's so awful it's funny" stage, but that never happened. The whole bull riding bit was pretty amazing (it reminded me of the awful Hardees ad with the woman eating a burger while she rode the "bull", which required lots of finger-licking. Subtle....) And what was up with the woman doing backflips across the terrace/patio thing? I would watch for a bit and shake my head and say "Oh Thespian Libby. You are old. The young people enjoy this sort of thing." But I don't think that's it, really.....is it? And I totally believe that the Chiclet teeth are fake. Doc's got dentures.

32
Sarah Marie
Apr 12, 2007

Holly, that was perfection. Of course I didn't watch the show, but I can picture it perfectly now. Thanks for keeping track of one of the shows that I love to hate/hate to love!

33
Monica
Apr 12, 2007

Love your Bachelor recaps, maybe because the are so close to what I'm thinking as I sit there and close my eyes in horror (bu tnot to much, since I totally laugh my ass off as well). Keep them coming, they are hilarious.

34
Lissa
Apr 12, 2007

If I were one of the girls on the second date I would be pissed if I had to do mini triathlon workout on a date. I'm all about working out but on a date and for that guy? No. Way. Now Ryan Gosling? HEll YES!

35
Chaos Control
Apr 12, 2007

I wasn't planning on watching this season until happening upon your blog last week and reading your post. So ... I watched this week. Two words - actually three - EFFIN TRAIN WRECK! Andy makes me want to puke. He's fake, he sucks in his stomach, he's just gross. The women are mostly horrible, but as I mentioned, it's a train wreck, which means my sorry ass sat on the sofa for the entire 90 minutes. So sad.

My favorite moment was between the two barbie twins ... "okay, you go and say hi" "So, I say hi? And then you say what?" "We go over and say Hey" ... WTF?

36
LRC
Apr 12, 2007

Really Holly..you have to keep up Secret Bachelor Wednesdays formally known as Secret Bachelor Tuesdays. It pains you I know..but keep taking one for the team!

37
Melanie
Apr 13, 2007

I'm glad you took that for the team, because it made me snort with laughter. And now I know about Girl Scout cookie ice cream, and soon my ass will also know about it. Intimately. Because I will need it for my Special Quality Time.
Hurrah for Secret Bachelor Various Weekdays!

38
Maya
Apr 16, 2007

I don't watch the show, but I LOVE these recaps. Want another insanely long post? Email Whoorl for her 5 question interview. Or maybe it was just me.

39
emery jo
Apr 16, 2007

I think I love you.

40
krystal
Apr 16, 2007

this was faaaantastic! so much better than watching the show itself...oops, that slipped!

41
Radiantsky
Apr 16, 2007

Great recap, I'm so glad someone else noticed how ridiculous it was that they kept saying Special Quality Time like it was something to buy tickets for. I thought the girls themselves would shorten it later, but noo, they actually said "..for Special Quality Time with Andy" at least once I'm sure. I don't care for him either, he's.. unsettling somehow, maybe it's the lip thing, I'll have to watch for that. But I found the best part to be the two blondes, because I couldn't tell them apart, and it makes me wonder if he could either. Bad strategy... or absolutely brilliant? Anything they did that went badly they could just blame on the other. Hmm. The plot thickens. Er.. something. I appreciate the good editing of the preview for the next episode though, because I found myself wanting to watch it despite how much I disliked what I had just seen. Maybe I'll skip it and read your recap instead, thank you for taking one for the team! I really do think you're going to need a tally of times 'special quality time' is said. And can you imagine the drinking game you could have if the word 'rose' was included? I shudder to think.

42
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43
~Allie
Apr 25, 2007

You are so hysterical! Maybe E will hire you to be their Bachelor reporter. Please keep posting these recaps.