Oh No She Didn't! Oh Yes She Did!

Here is the first thing you should know: I set my alarm for 6am on Tuesday morning so that I could get up and write the first Secret Bachelor Tuesday recap of the season before I went to work. That's dedication, baby! The second thing you should know is that at 6am when the alarm went off, I rolled over, said "screw that," and went back to sleep until 7:40am, and that's why Secret Bachelor Tuesday is actually most likely going to turn out to be Secret Bachelor Wednesday, especially if you're on the East Coast.

(The third thing you should know is that I met Jemima for a drink after work on Monday night in a bar a block from my house, and one drink turned into three drinks and a cheese plate, and the drinks were made with something called soju, which is like a Korean version of sake, according to the bartender who served us, and boy was that soju strong. Be ye careful of the soju! And so when I stumbled into my house at 8pm and said "I'm so tiiiiiiiiiiiiiired, I don't want to to watch The Bachelor, I want to go to sleeeeeeep," Sean took me by the shoulders and said "my dear, get a hold of yourself, you have made a commitment!" And that, Internet, is how my boyfriend convinced me to watch the worst---and yet also the best!---hour and a quarter of television I've seen in a long time, by urging me that I had made a commitment to watch it and thus had to follow through, debilitating Korean alcohol be damned. Round of applause for Sean! Boos and hisses to the soju! Although they mixed it with pomegranate juice, you know. For antioxidants!)

So we all remember Secret Bachelor Tuesdays, right? Secret Bachelor Tuesdays are something I started a year or so ago, when I first confessed to watching The Bachelor, and then became overwhelmed by the number of comments and e-mails I received afterwards that said something along the lines of "OH MY GOD, I WATCH IT TOO. But if you tell anyone, I will kill you. Still, let's talk about it. Don't you think the blonde one's dress made her look like a whore?"

So then I thought, hey, you know how you used to watch Beverly Hills 90210 by yourself at home, except in the commercials you'd call all your friends and be like, "wow, can you believe Tiffani-Amber Thiessen just did that? And how hot is Jason Priestley? Oh, wait, I gotta go, it's back, call me when that Noxema commercial comes on again"---that was fun, right? Well, now we can all do that, except we're doing it on the Internet, and none of our mothers can yell at us because we're tying up the phone line, and really, you don't even have to watch it if you don't want to, we can just talk about it afterwards, because here's the real beauty of Secret Bachelor Tuesdays: I'm watching it so you don't have to.

I will warn you that Secret Bachelor Tuesdays are long. So before we start, you might want to get some snacks. Maybe a drink. Maybe not soju.

This season's bachelor is called Andy. He is a triathlete. He is an officer in the Navy. He is a doctor. He was also recently named---by someone, I can't remember who, maybe his mom---"humanitarian of the year." He is, as one of the (many) Southern bachelorettes describes him, "one hundred percent the perfect gah." And this would all be great for Andy, except Andy, unfortunately, has no top lip.

(Let's be clear here, by the way: Andy is by no means my perfect gah. In fact, Andy is kind of the opposite of my perfect gah, in that he is just so ... obvious. The blonde hair! The big white Chiclet teeth! The lucrative profession! I mean, call me crazy, but I am so not into perfect gahs like Andy. Give me a scrappy graphic designer with stubble and a wrinkled Yoda t-shirt any day.)

Here is another thing, by the way: this season of The Bachelor is called "The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman," which made me think at first that there were going to be two bachelors, and one of them was going to be the officer and one of them was going to be the gentleman. But no, it turns out that Andy is both the officer and the gentleman---which must be stressful to say the least---and when host Chris Harrison says things like "join us after the break to find out whose dream of marrying an officer and a gentleman will be shattered," he's really not talking about polygamy at all. Which is kind of a shame. Get on that for next season, ABC.

We start with a photo montage of Andy, who was actually kind of at his hottest when he was about 15---do you think 15 is too young for the next Bachelor? Maybe if they made it Teen Bachelor and all the bachelorettes were, like, eleven?---and then we see Andy as he is today, a Navy doctor who says vaguely disturbing things that make you raise your eyebrows and repeat them to other people to see if maybe the double entendre was just you, things like “these are my guys; I know these men from head to toe." (Was that just me? Did you think that was weird?)

He also says a lot of things like "I can't wait to find my wife and settle down and have lots of babies," and this kind of thing is like crack to a certain type of woman, and yet I always feel like it's so incredibly fake when I hear it from guys, sort of like when women who are trying to impress men say things like "I love watching sports, by the way, oh yeah, football, baseball, basketball, I love watching it all. Let's watch sports together, and then I'll burp, and then I'll give you a foot rub and make you some nachos, and then we can watch some more sports together, because did you know, I LOVE WATCHING SPORTS?" And maybe they do love watching sports, but I love watching Oprah, and yet this is not something I feel the need to bring up within five minutes of meeting a guy.

So it's Andy's 30th birthday today, the day he is set to meet all 25 of his nubile young suitors in their lurid Forever 21 dresses, and he keeps saying things like "boy, this is the best way to spend my 30th birthday!", and the more he says it, the crappier I feel about the way Sean spent his 30th birthday last summer, which was eating dinner in a cable car and starring in a Korean documentary. Which, you know, I thought was really special and original at the time, but now I feel horrible about myself, like maybe I should have arranged for 25 scantily-clad women to arrive in limousines instead, my god, what kind of awful girlfriend am I?

And so they arrive, and they are indeed scantily clad, and at least three quarters of them seem to be from the South, and THREE of them are from South Carolina, a fact which Sean and I are strangely proud of. (Sadly, we do not know the two from Charleston.) The girls are predictably non-descript, and yet I take notes on them anyway---yes! I take notes while watching The Bachelor!---so that maybe I will remember them later, if they ever get anywhere. My notes look something like this:

* Alexis, Dallas, rabbity teeth.
* Nicole---CHARLESTON IN THE HOUSE!
* Peyton, “sorority recruiter,” Tennessee. (Sorority recruiter IS A JOB?)
* Stephanie, Kansas, seems okay, although dressed like cotton candy.
* Erin, Louisiana, plastic Barbie doll.
* Bevin, Palo Alto, I like her dress.
* Tessa, San Francisco, tells a lame joke about a muffin.
* Candace, Hilton Head, seems kind of bummed to be here.
* Linda, apparent drag queen, CRAZY EYES.
* Jessica, hedge fund analyst, New York. Ten years older than everyone else (32) and most likely to be the undercover journalist.

Inside the house there is mayhem, as all the girls try their best to impress Mister No Top Lip, whom one of them has even crowned "Lieutenant McDreamy." (Now, really. This is going too far.) A girl in a red sparkly dress sings the Star Spangled Banner to Andy, who at least has the decency to appear fairly mortified---I mean, really, where do you look when someone is serenading you?---but later wipes a tear from his eye at the beauty of it all. Then some girls do gymnastics. Then we discover that not only is it Andy's birthday, but it is also Peyton's birthday (the sorority recruiter, remember?), and so two of the girls decide to make Andy (but not Peyton!) a cake. Unfortunately, they have no eggs, and so one of them says "can we use tequila instead of eggs?" and oh my god, can you imagine if life was like that, and you ended up having scrambled tequila on a whole-wheat English muffin for breakfast, because you hadn't had a chance to stop at the grocery store on the way home from work the night before?

There is a minor scuffle when one of the girls is so drunk she falls over, and another girl (you should remember her, she is important later) starts shouting for no reason "did you say something about me, bitch? Come say it to my face! I heard you! I have ears like a hawk!", which, you know, whatever, hawks don't have ears, but we get her point, and then it is time for the Big Moment, in which Andy, says Chris Harrison, "must face the most important decision of his life." ("Oh, right," says Sean. "Until next week.")

But first, before facing the most important decision of his life, Andy must set the Women's Movement back by about fifty years. “Not only are these women gorgeous but they have careers!" he marvels into the camera, his face radiant with childish disbelief. "They’re intelligent!” This really kind of shocks me, his surprise that these women have CAREERS!, that they're INTELLIGENT!, because really, what have all the other women he's met been like? Have they all been dumb and unemployed? Where does he hang out, to only be meeting women who are dumb and unemployed? Are women with careers really such a shock in 2007? I mean, honestly, he reacts much in the same way I imagine I would act if I suddenly found myself in a room with 25 men who, say, just all happened to be Elvis impersonators who grew up in Maine. "I guess I always knew such men must have existed!" I would say to myself. "But I never thought I'd meet so many at the same time and in the same place!"

Anyway, the roses are handed out---I wonder if it's hard coming up with synonyms for "yes," when you're asked if you'll accept this rose, because we get a whole host of different ones, varying from "certainly" to "I will" to "with pleasure"---and even the Star-Spangled Banner Girl gets one, as does the Sorority Recruiter, and then there is some major drama. The girl with the ears like a hawk doesn't get a rose, you see, and Sweet Baby Jesus In A Used Cloth Diaper, she freaks out.

First she leaves! Just leaves, before all the hugging and the mournful glances and the moody music! She just storms out, and into the garden, and one of the camera men follows her, like oh man, is this ever going to be good, and once she is in the garden, she's all "I'm done! I'm over it! I wanna leave, I wanna go home!" And then this girl---who is not blonde and does not have fake boobs---says "maybe if I was blonde and I had fake boobs, I'd still be in there, but I don't and I'm not! I'm done! I'm over it! It's like, next!"

And at first I sort of love this girl and sort of hate her at the same time, this girl with the ears like a hawk, and then a second later I decide that I definitely love her, because she looks right at the camera and says to all of us at home, "truth be told, he's short, and his head is big, and his teeth look fake." And while Sean and I are busy rolling around on the sofa in hysterics, rejoicing at the awesomeness of it all, she follows it up with the most brilliant encore ever: "this shit is fake and stupid and I'm done." Ladies and gentlemen, I think we might just have our next candidate for The Bachelorette.

Mentions of the word "journey" in this episode of The Bachelor: 2
Mentions of the word "connection": 3

1
silverblue
Apr 04, 2007

Argh!
Best! Review! Ever!

2
Teej
Apr 04, 2007

Soju! I have consumed an unhealthy amount of that stuff in the last week. But I consumed it in Korea. Does that somehow make it OK?

3
Drew
Apr 04, 2007

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Being European means this probably won't air any time soon, so it's fantastic to get all the details from you. While waiting for Andy and the girls (and your next review) I'll watch a couple of 90210 episodes. Another rerun has just started (Brenda hasn't left for London yet, Donna hasn't had any plastic surgery).

4
Nomes
Apr 04, 2007

Not only do we not get the Bachelor in the Czech Republic (god-damned backwards ex-soviet, still communist place - well, as far as TV's concerned, anyway), but we don't get 90210 reruns either. If we're really REALLY lucky, we can get german MTV, so get to watch "pimp my ride" with our own commentary "ach tung, mein herr, grossen dice...hey! anyone? dice, in German?".

So THANK YOU SO MUCH for the reviews. I shall tune in each week to keep abreast of Lt. Nupperlip, and laugh as much as I did today.

I'd better...or the dice get it.

5
JB
Apr 04, 2007

This review makes me wish I'd watched it...

6
Kate
Apr 04, 2007

I've been waiting for this update, and boy, was it worth it! I wondered about the lip myself...

7
steppingoverthejunk
Apr 04, 2007

I recorded it, but this makes me howl regardless of having not seen it yet!

8
citywendy
Apr 04, 2007

Oh, Holly. After watching the worst. Bachelor. Ever. I was all set to sit this season out, but now with this one review I fear you've changed my mind and I'm stuck in front of my tv on Monday nights for the next 6 weeks.

9
Emily
Apr 04, 2007

Haha, I've never watched this show (ever!) and I almost want to change my mind about watching TV if the shows are really as great as this review!

10
Velma
Apr 04, 2007

I feel kind of funny, like squirmy funny.

What is this I'm feeling?

Oh, yes - it's the uncomfortable knowledge that I now have to start watching this stupid show so I can laugh even harder when I read your review of it!

11
gina in sc
Apr 04, 2007

holly! how are we going to sit through the season with the creepiest looking bachelor ever?? i want andrew firestone back..... an officer and a gentlemen. cheese. this whole first episode. yet i have it tivoed till the end of it all.

ok, i like the dark haired teacher from texas, one of the tiffanys and one other....... next week take notes and can we compare?? lol.

12
Amanda
Apr 04, 2007

That review just had me in stitches!!!! Used to watch an old series of Bachelor in Brussels, but now in Amsterdam and they don't have it here! But I can clearly see it all by reading your recap! So looking forward to next week! DON'T FORGET YOUR COMMITMENT!

13
Melanie
Apr 04, 2007

I love that you watch The Bachelor so I don't have to get cable and watch it myself. I'm now fully committed to Secret Bachelor Tuesdays, they're better than when we used to watch Flava of Love on VH1. Back when we had cable. Man, sometimes I miss cable.

14
elise
Apr 04, 2007

Oh my. I wasn't around for last season's Secret Bachelor Tuesdays, but I feel that I am in for quite a treat now.

So was the non-fake girl cute? Or was she basically a psycho?

15
Sheila
Apr 04, 2007

I would like to say only this:

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, SEAN!

Oh, and p.s.: your readers are spread amazingly far and wide.

16
Kelli
Apr 04, 2007

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.
Thank you Holly for the wit, thank you Sean for making Holly watch, and really thank you ABC for providing hours of "fake and stupid" entertainment.

17
sgazzetti
Apr 04, 2007

That "Bachelor" report was so totally worth the wait. It was the first one that made me wish, ever so slightly, that "The Bachelor" was available where I live. I am pretty sure, though, that reading about it here is far superior to actually watching it.

FYI: if soju is similar in any way to Japanese shochu (and I am betting it is), you'll find it's better suited to cleaning carburetors than to drinking, pomegranate juice or no.

18
Yeah
Apr 04, 2007

Thank you for watching so I don't have to. This was MUCH BETTER! Though I now have to look him up to confirm the no upper lip thing. Which I completely believe, but it makes me wonder ... why can't they get a good-looking one? Or one with two lips?

19
Diane
Apr 04, 2007

I missed it on Tuesday and forgot to Tivo it so this review was AWESOME!!! Thank you cute Sean for making Holly keep her commitment to amuse the bejesus out of us.

Laughed out loud! "The girl with the ears like a hawk doesn’t get a rose, you see, and Sweet Baby Jesus In A Used Cloth Diaper, she freaks out." - is one of my all time favourite lines EVER!!! Can't wait for next week!

20
Janssen
Apr 04, 2007

Oh MAN was that funny. I anticipated skipping these entries because, hey, I've never seen this show in my life. And now? I'm sad that it's a whole week until the next review. And the most true statement in this whole post was about how there is NOWHERE to look when someone sings to you.

21
natalie
Apr 04, 2007

I started watching, but was too embarrased for the girl who told the joke about the muffin, so I had to turn it off. Thanks for taking one for the team and watching so we all don't have to! Hilarious.

22
B!
Apr 04, 2007

Some of my girlfriends and I had a "Bachelor Party" Monday night, and we had pretty much the same opinion as you did on everything and everyone. Was I right about the chick with the crazy eyes or what? She was totally Runaway Bride.

I have never watched the show before, but now with spinach dip, freshly homemade chocolate chip cookies, fun beverages (next week I'll suggest soju...?), girlfriends, and SECRET BACHELOR TUESDAYS, I am rather looking forward to the rest of the season.

I forwarded your post to them so we could relive the memories. You now have 5 new regular readers.

23
camille
Apr 04, 2007

hilarious!
my personal favorite was when the girl with the crazy eyes challenged him to pushups (saying, "he's OCD about exercising just like me but in male form") and then some other girl ended up doing squat-thrusts with him... very odd. is this a typical date for most people?

24
Luisa
Apr 04, 2007

Move over, Television Without Pity. This is awesome.

25
DM
Apr 04, 2007

Oh the excitement of seeing a new post from you and then it being a Secret Bachelor Tuesday post! Yes! The day is starting out fantastic (well, okay, it is almost half over but I can pretend). Will be forwarding this to my roommate because she, in all seriousness, said to me last night when we were watching Dancing with the Stars, "the bachelor is kind of cute. Maybe we should watch that." But we have enough reality TV shows. I mean, hello, we watch Dancing with the Stars! How lame is that? Although, much like men with their playboys, I insist I watch only for the dancing...I mean articles.

26
Jemima
Apr 04, 2007

What was the muffin joke? And how horrifying that those girls are all from SC. My nostrils are flaring.

Why are they apparently acting like this is a pageant, with singing and joke telling and gymnastics?

27
Colleen
Apr 04, 2007

Thank you Holly!
And I'm so grateful that Chris Harrison still reminds us when there is only ONE ROSE LEFT!

28
Lawyerish
Apr 04, 2007

I am so glad that the hawk-eared girl confirmed that the Bachelor is short. I mean, I could tell that he had a massive head and cappy teeth, but during the intro, I kept saying to myself that he seems normal, accomplished, athletic, and reasonably attractive if overly blonde and scrubbed, so why is he still single? The two possibilities I decided were most likely: (1) he's short; and (2) he, um, knows his men from head to toe.

The third possibility only came to light when he began meeting the girls: he is a robot.

Did anyone else notice how stiff he is? And how monotone his voice is? HE IS A ROBOT. Witness how he pronounced Peyton (sorority recruiter - HAHA!): "Pay-T-unh." So. Weird.

Mark my words. This season is going to show that women will throw themselves at a robot if it means they'll be on national television.

29
Chiada
Apr 04, 2007

Sean is a TOTAL keeper, I agree with you. I like my guy less than perfect too. With a unique sense of style and original taste. Can you imagine trying to always look perfect so you could measure up to your partner? All the time? No way. So, I haven't seen the last few seasons of Bachelor or Bachelorette, but your recap was so awesome (especially the bit about rolling on the sofa in hysterics) that I think I'll just have to start watching again. Although, I admit to getting wrapped up in two seasons of Rock Star, hehe. Hello, Tommy Lee. I am sooo out of it technologically speaking. I mean, my Hub-E and I only just got iPods last Fall. TiVo? WTH is a TiVo? Just kidding - I know what it is, sort of, but not really. Some sort of recorder? And it has a remote? So, yeah, I just heard about the Apple iMovie which sounds pretty hot & happenin' so maybe we could get one in about 5 years. Anywho, keep up the reviews. You are an awesome writer!

30
Nothing But Bonfires
Apr 04, 2007

While Sean and I were traveling in Asia, we kept finding ourselves watching episodes of Rock Star Supernova, that AWFUL reality show where Dave Navarro and Tommy Lee and some guy from Guns N'Roses were trying to find a lead singer for a new band they were going to call Supernova. I mean, there we were in the middle of nowhere in Cambodia, sitting in our hotel room, watching crappy D-list reality TV via satellite. So basically we have no shame. The Bachelor is small potatoes.

31
Shawnee
Apr 04, 2007

Damn. Now I SO want to watch this show. You are the devil.

32
Unstrung Harpy
Apr 04, 2007

I love that your commitment to this show is about 100 times the commitment that any of the Bachelors and Bachelorettes have to each other. Keep the recaps coming!

33
b!
Apr 04, 2007

As long as we're talking about Supernova (a show I never watched, I'll have you know)...

You all may not remember, but I was scarred for life when everyone called me a nerd on the "Respect to the Clarinets" post because my job title is "violinist". But my nerdy job title (which I happen to love) led me to a gig a couple months ago with Tommy Lee et al. from Supernova. It was a blast. I totally never saw the attraction to Tommy Lee, until I met him in person.

http://i172.photobucket.com/albums/w33/bbibbens/SUPERNOVA.jpg

34
April
Apr 04, 2007

Thank GOD you watched it so I don't have to. I have a headcold and 2 toddlers (surprisingly similar afflictions) and so didn't have the time/energy/endurance for something that airs so late (as in past 8pm).

OK, just one more thing; in my experience, lipless = Republican when it comes to men. I don't know why, and the New Engand Journal of medicine should probably fund a study, but there does seem to be a trend along part lines when it comes to lips (and jowls and the lacl of chins, but that's another topic). I'm not judging, I'm just saying.

Anyway, HILARIOUS post! Brava, and thanks.

35
Georgia
Apr 04, 2007

Oh my god, I don't even watch that show and that was the best entry ever!!!

36
wwcutie
Apr 04, 2007

I am so glad that you made this commitment, because this is going to be the Best Season Ever!

37
Chaos Control
Apr 04, 2007

Oh! Oh! Oh! where do I start? First off, I need to thank "Stepping Over the Junk" for introducing me to you. Today is evidently my lucky day because I tivo'd the Bachelor lastnight and was thinking I'd skip it this season (for the first time ever, I'm ashamed to admin - but it's okay because you don't know me) because I don't think this guy is that hot. Not my type at all - looks too boring. Too "prim and proper" for me.

Anyway, now that I've stumbled upon your blog and have read your post on it, I can't wait to get home and watch it! thank goodness I didn't delete it!

38
hillz
Apr 05, 2007

woohoo! secret bachelor tuesday are my crack! its sad though, coz im only now watching bachelor paris, and i doubt we will ever get this season of the show because our tv sucks.

39
Lori
Apr 05, 2007

Best recap ever, and I didn't even watch the show.

40
natalie
Apr 05, 2007

omg! linda crazy eyes!!! she looks a little bit like a kinkajou, no?
p.s. that "i know them head to toe" was totally creepster

41
Meg
Apr 05, 2007

My friends went to high school with Cotton Candy Stephanie and Crazy Like A Hawk goes to my alma mater. I couldn't believe when Crazy busted up out of there (shoeless). I thought I was watching Flavor of Love for a second.

42
barbie2be
Apr 05, 2007

oh my god, i thought i was gonna wet my pants when crazy like a hawk went off at the end of the show. i was all, "wait, what?" someone that actually said what we have all been thinking?

thank you sean, for making holly watch!

43
Caroline
Apr 05, 2007

Sweet Jesus...Soju? Korean vodka water? The stuff made from fermented sweet potato and guaranteed to give you stomach cancer if you drink it even sort of regularly?

It's good stuff, hey?

44
Moose
Apr 05, 2007

Oh, thank god. I have to plan a momentous birthday occasion and so far the planning has consisted of tapping my index finger against my teeth and finding new and exciting ways to procrastinate.

P.S. Does anyone know where I can get 25 blushing babes and a large car to stuff them in?

P.P.S. I might have to start watching The Bachelor again. Hooray for chiclet teeth!

45
birdgal
Apr 05, 2007

I had already gone to sleep, but my husband busts in to the bedroom and says 'Guess what honey? I know the Bachelor!' (don't ask me why he was watching the Bachelor) Apparently he took some statistics class with him at a local community college (Andy went to Duke but must have taken some courses on the side) and talked to him about Navy ROTC stuff (my husband went to the Naval Academy). I stopped watching the Bachelor after the Bob Guiney season, but I may have to tune in now and again after this!

46
Sam
Apr 05, 2007

I completely FORGOT to watch. And Holly, you know I have testified in previous comments that I never watched the show before you started doing your Secret Bachelor Tuesdays. ABC should be paying you for this. Anyway, this recap was hilarious. I'm so sorry I missed it, just so I could see the Crazy Eyed One lose her cool.

And how much do I love that Sean watches it with you?

47
Nothing But Bonfires
Apr 05, 2007

Officially, Sean does not watch it with me. He would like you all to know that. In fact, he would like very much for there to be a PSA stating as much, or a plane to write it in the sky.

(Unofficially, of course, we all know the truth.)

48
elleindcity
Apr 05, 2007

Who woulda thunk it? I think I have officially been turned on to "The Bachelor"! Armed with this very thorough (not to mention UPROAROUSLY FUNNY!!!!) premiere summary, I think I have all I need to become a regular! Muchas gracias and see ya at the next summary!

49
Sarah Marie
Apr 06, 2007

Holly your entry makes it very tempting to add The Bachelor to my tv schedule. I also tuned out after the Bob Guiney season. Your "connection" count is hilarious! It is also bound to increase exponentially as the season goes on.

Well done!

50
StampyDurst
Apr 09, 2007

Holly,

Am currently out of the country (in a place with very little television and very slow internet access). I, too, know the bachelor (but most fortunately not "head to toe"). I have had the displeasure of working with him in the past, and I found him to be an insufferable twit. The teeth are truly the creepiest. (When he smiles, it's as if he expects his teeth to sparkle like in some old fashioned cartoon.)

I look forward to Tuesdays so that you can keep me updated on how he continues to irreperably embarrass both the military and the medical profession.

51
stacey
Apr 14, 2007

wow.
it's amazing how you can read someone's comments on a blog and feel like your thoughts about a show had somehow been transcribed.

keep it up. that's amazing!
i've been laughing my butt off!
--stacey, undercover bachelor watcher