They Don't Call Me Holly <i>Burns</i> For Nothing
So there I was, sitting at my desk, marveling that 89 people had something to say about grilled cheese, and scouring Craigslist for writing jobs that would allow me to feed the horrendous IKEA habit I seem to have developed in the last week, when I started to smell something funny. It was sort of a .... singed smell, sort of like Clean Linen had turned into Burnt Fleece. I looked down: both of the candles I'd been burning seemed fine.
I kept working. I started to feel a little warm. And so I looked down again. Further, this time. And wouldn't you know it, I was on fire.
"I"M ON FIRE!" I yelled to Sean, who was in the next room.
"Ha!" he yelled back.
Because he thought I was joking. Because not five minutes ago, I'd been gloating about how I'd applied for way more jobs than he'd applied for today, and maybe if he'd make a list and stick to it, he'd get more done, and wow, wasn't it great that I'd actually even heard back about a potential assignment already? So when I shouted "I'M ON FIRE!", he thought I meant it like "I"M ON A ROLL!"
I panicked slightly. I was on fire. And my boyfriend didn't believe me. I jumped up and down and waved my arm around, because really, what else are you going to do when you're on fire? I wondered what they'd do in ER. I wondered if I would soon be in the ER. I pondered momentarily what a happy coincidence it was that the hospital was two blocks up the street, and how convenient it would be for me to just walk there. I started to blow on the flames. I looked around for water. My life flashed before my eyes.
"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, SEAN, I AM REALLY ON FIRE!" I shouted. And Sean came running. And luckily, no-one was hurt, except my ancient pink Old Navy hoodie, which I remember quite clearly buying in 1998, and which I have obviously kept around for a reason, and that reason is to prevent me from sitting at the computer in something I'd actually care about burning a hole through. Like something that cost more than fifteen bucks.
Now, obviously, I will have to get it framed, don't you think? I may even get it embroidered on the back, most likely with the sliver of wit Sean graced me with as soon as the flames had been put out:
"Holly Burns: a name and a sentence."
Jan 16, 2007
Burn baby burn! I think we should all just leave irrelevant comments to get Ms. Burns here up to the 'magic' 89 mark again. What say you all?
Jan 16, 2007
That is scary and yet funny at the same time. I love what Sean said, that's great. I like the idea of having the hoodie embroidered.
89 comments on grilled cheese? That is so cool. But it proves the power of Holly.
Jan 16, 2007
The title of this post made me think it was going to be about smoking pot. You are in San Francisco after all! Glad you are ok.
On a different (and completely superficial) note, what kind of lip gloss do you use? Your lips always look like dew-kissed raspberries!
Jan 16, 2007
HA!! I figured this was going to be about you burning a cheese sandwich.
This is hilarious! (But only because you're okay)
Jan 16, 2007
Oh, I'm glad you're ok! I had my haircut once and as I was leaning over the very modern desk with a lit candle on it to pay for the service, the hooded fleece jacket I had folded over the crook of my elbow caught on fire. (What IS it with the fleece?!?) And wouldn't you know? The round hole it burned was right in the center of the hooded part of the jacket -- just perfect to pull my ponytail through. I'm wearing that sweatshirt today and my ponytail feels SO free.
Jan 16, 2007
Stop, drop, and roll, Holly.
Stop, drop, and roll.
Jan 16, 2007
Dude. How did you do that? Did you lean forward and ignite the hood drawstring, and then lean back and it caught on your sleeve?
Also: WHY is there a candle between you and the computer? Do you smell that bad? ;)
Jan 16, 2007
and to think, I was panicking when I leaned over my teapot on the stove (which was on) to get in the cupboard above to get some tea and singed my PATAGONIA jacket. At least it was Old Navy for you and for me, at least it wasnt a clearly burned out HOLE. Yikes. In looking at the background of your photo, I can't believe you frickin' just moved in. I need to clean off my desk, BADLY now.
Jan 16, 2007
Well. It was very cold in the apartment, so I lit the second candle to be sort of a .... hand-warmer. Which is why it was in between me and the computer, so I could warm my hands on it inbetween typing. And then I stopped warming my hands and just kept typing, and I guess I was getting all into it and leaning over intently or whatever, and that's how I caught on fire. Moral of the story: don't light candles for warmth, just go sit on the radiator or something.
(And my lipgloss is actually a lipSLICK. Oh yes! Cover Girl all the way, baby. Four bucks! The shade is "Daring." Because I am, naturally. Daring enough to BE ON FIRE, anyway.)
Jan 16, 2007
Just out of curiosity - how many jobs do you apply for in a day.
Jan 16, 2007
if you don't get AT LEAST 89 comments over grilling your arm, it will speak very poorly about people values around here.....
Jan 16, 2007
Have you tried grilling cheese using candles? 'Candle Cooking' classes was something I did in the boy scouts when I was a teenager.
Jan 16, 2007
Glad you escaped bodily injury; and that's the sort of wordplay Ben and I ADORE. Remember that song "Come On Eileen" from the '80s? We always howl, "Hey! It's a COMMAND!"
Also, I have to give you fashion snaps for the combo of black shirt and pink hoodie, because my daughter Julia and I are all about those colors. Nothing says "feminine but also edgy!" like pink-and-black.
Jan 16, 2007
Fleece tends to MELT, so I'm glad it didn't melt into your skin. And I too am happy to hear what you wear to make your lips look like that!
Jan 16, 2007
1) I've developed this insane once a week Ikea habit. I'm both excited and terrified to look at my bank statement.
2) How exactly did you catch on fire?
Jan 16, 2007
You are burning candles for warmth now? Who are you, Nicholas Nickleby? Next you'll be eating grilled gruel sandwiches. Honestly.
Jan 16, 2007
I'm with Jaz. Since you didn't know about grilled cheese due to yer ferin-ness, you didn't have "STOP, DROP, and ROLL!" drilled into your head in elementary school eighty jillion times like us here in America, so in light of those two things I will also let you know immediately that if we should come under nu-cu-lar attack that you should get under your desk, stick your head between your knees, and put your arms over your head. Good luck!
Jan 16, 2007
That is just classic.
Jan 16, 2007
Ouch! That's my fear whenever I light a candle - that it'll be the end of me. I'm so ditzy I can just see myself sitting on the fire or something.
Jan 16, 2007
Of course, I saw your flickr photo first, with the title inviting me to make puns about your last name.
All I could think was, "What the honk IS her last name!? I'm sure I have it in here [my brain] SOMEWHERE!"
Jan 16, 2007
LOL, all I can think is that your website title almost makes literal sense now.
I'm so glad it didn't quite get to the bonfire point, though.
Oh, besides stop, drop, and roll, schools in CA also teach you to crouch under your desk, head between your knees, with your arms protecting your neck in the event of an earthquake. Or stand in a doorway. Seriously, we had earthquake drills in LA. Just a fault line survival tip...
Jan 16, 2007
Oh God. I've done that, and it's so scary and awful, because if you can't trust your own damn ARMS around some flames, what kind of world do we live in?
Heh. Holly Burns.
Jan 16, 2007
That reminds me of a Mitch Hedberg joke...
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "
But anyway, glad you're okay. I totally agree with the comments that your lipgloss is great. I gotta keep an eye out for that one.
Jan 16, 2007
I'm so glad you're okay, because now I don't feel bad for laughing so hard at this.
Jan 16, 2007
You just brought to light one of the major cultural differences of American and British schooling. At least I am assuming that.. perhaps you were a daydreaming little thing and missed the bajillion renditions of "STOP, DROP AND ROLL" American kids have endured since the 1960's. That was my first thought when reading it. What? Why is she fanning and blowing? You don't fan and blow, you smother it, she definitely should have been stopping, dropping and rolling.
I grew up in Oklahoma and in addition we also had tornado drills. Everyone in the hallway on your knees with heads down and a book over your head.
Jan 16, 2007
My god, Holly! So glad it was only the polar fleece and not the rest of your arm.
Maybe Ikea sells cute little desktop fire extinguishers as well?
Jan 16, 2007
Ooh Ooh Ooh! Look how nice your apartment looks! And is that the candle I gave you that set you on fire? At least now you'll smell like creme caramel or cheesecake!
Jan 16, 2007
right, the least we could expect from a blog called Nothing but Bonfires... we'll now expect at least weekly burnings, not of you of course, but maybe some particle board experiments... ;)
Jan 16, 2007
You did that just to get attention, didn't you? Admit it.
Holly burns nothing but bonfires ... and her clothes.
Jan 16, 2007
Oh you'll have to answer the one about the raspberry lip gloss. Like it's not lip gloss actually, it's my allergies. Or how you came across the perfect match for wind-cracked lips.
Jan 16, 2007
I'm glad you're okay, because I was howling with laughter and I would've had to start my morning with a major guilt trip if I had been snorting and you were bound up in dressing and on major pain medication. So, it's all good! And Sean's comment? I think I just developed a small crush. (In a totally non-stalkerish, completely normal except it's over the internet and it's someone I don't know so it's weird sort of way.)
Jan 16, 2007
Burn, trauma, etc etc- but my real question is- how did you manage to get your apartment looking so lovely so quickly? I've lived in mine for three years and it's not nearly so put together looking. For example, it almost never features flowers on my desk. Sigh.
Jan 16, 2007
dude! stop, drop and roll. don't they teach that in England? (sorry, my family is full of firefighters).
Jan 16, 2007
When you started blowing on the flames I nearly smacked my forehead. You crack me up. It's all good, we've all accidentally set something on fire at some point or another!
Jan 16, 2007
Okay, your desk is too cute. I want to see pics of the whole apt decorated!!
By the way, STOP, DROP & ROLL!!
Jan 16, 2007
While I'm quite sorry about the burn, I couldn't stop staring at the background. Your apartment awesome already! How is it that you've lived there for two weeks and it already looks so well put together? I've been living in my home for nearly THREE YEARS and it isnt' that cute. Maybe you should give up writing and just hire yourself out as an interior decorator. I'll be the first to hire you.
We MUST be given a photo tour.
Jan 16, 2007
I once left a small burning candle (about the size of yours) on a bookshelf when I was a teenager. Atop of the bookshelf sat 3 of my old dolls I didn't want to get rid of with their legs hanging out over the edge. I left the house to take my friend back home. When I got back, my mother told me how she went into my room and found my doll's leg on fire with flames shooting up and whatnot and how she took a wet bath towel that I had left in my room on the floor (which I wasn't supposed to do) and beat the fire out with it. Boy, did I get it. And my poor doll... I tried to save him. To keep him around with plans of fixing him some day. After all, he was antique. I carted him around for about 5 years after getting married, with his burnt floppy leg. I finally retired him to the garage in a plastic garbage bag in a box somewhere. Poor lil' guy.
Another time I lit a tea candle and had it burning on top of my raw wood rustic coffee table. Umm, yeah, I made it even more rustic. After the tea candle burned out, (it was one of those encased in a tin holder) I went to throw it away, and lo and behold! A round black mark had made it's home on my coffee table. So, what to do? My fabulous husband decided to not only sand the coffee table down and stain it in a darker color, but he also rounded the square edges since our puppy had chewn the table up on the corners. All's well that end's well!
Jan 16, 2007
Oh, and has anybody noticed how Holly's house is all color coordinated, like a photo shoot? Notice the pink phone on the side of the desk, and then something either outside the window or reflected in the window that is pink, and then of course the famous sweatshirt, and the lovely pinkish/purple pillows in the background.
Then we have the yellow/browns in the form of the globe, the flowers, the lamp base, what looks like a ribbon tied around a pen cup, and of course the glow of the candles.
Lastly, just to punch things up and add a bit of surprise, we have the turquoise picture frame.
Oh, and the black iron of the globe base is balanced out with the black iron cage thing on the opposite side of the desk.
It's all just so perfect and magazine-ready!
Jan 16, 2007
The things you will do just to stick with a theme! From grilled cheese to grilled Holly... I'm really impressed with your dedication. You should try to work this into your resume somehow.
Jan 16, 2007
holy crap, holly!
i'm glad the only apparent casulty was your pink old navy hoodie.
Jan 16, 2007
Your apartment looks adorable. Will you show us more pictures? Are those green leaves in the background inside or outside? I haven't seen green leaves for a while. Here in Oregon we have only seen snow and ice for quite some time.
Jan 16, 2007
I'm a little disturbed by the amount of commentary on your well-appointed apartment. I mean, I appreciate a cute dwelling as much as the next reader, and am also agog at the progress you've made in a few days and all, but gee, people:
HOLLY WAS ON FIRE! DOES IT NOT SEEM INAPPROPRIATE TO FIXATE ON FURNISHINGS AT A TIME LIKE THIS?!?
Ahem. Sorry for the shouting, but what if you had been rendered armless? Who would we turn to for witty prose about cheese, naked neighbors and The Bachelor? (Yes, I'm still holding out hope for a revival of Secret Bachelor Tuesdays.) After all, fleece is a petroleum product, if I am not mistaken. As in highly flammable. So for the love of God, Holly, put away the candles, or at least move them a safe distance from you already! Think of your readers, and protect yourself, OK?
Jan 16, 2007
I guess maybe I should have put my Interior Decorator comments on the Flickr page instead of in these comments. :(
Sorry. Hope you're okay, Holly.
Jan 16, 2007
I am amazed at how wonderful your new apartment is looking considering the short time you have been in it.
Too bad about your hoodie - although in my husband's world, this just makes it more lived in. Glad to hear that your arm escaped unscathed from the hoodie inferno. Loved Cute Sean's comment - not only cute and good with a camera but quick-witted as well.
Jan 16, 2007
oh dear. at least you're ok, though that's more than what can be said for your poor fleece jacket.
I'm sure there's a way you can keep wearing it though, right?
Jan 16, 2007
Oh my gosh. That is so scary! But I'm posting to say, I love your haircut. I want it!!
Jan 16, 2007
oh you MUST keep the fleece. there are few people in this world who can say "lemme tell you about the time i was on fire" and fewer who can make it as entertaining as you.
so glad all is well. and your apt is so cute i feel the urge to rearrange my house.
Jan 16, 2007
What a relief to know it wasn't more serious. When I saw that first picture, I could have sworn there was blood around the hole, and almost puked on my laptop, but I think it was just the combination of the pink against black that made it look like there was a reddish outline. I always thought fleece was super-flammable, so I'm glad your whole sleeve didn't catch!
Jan 16, 2007
Chiada: My tongue was firmly planted in my cheek. I think her place looks great, too.
Jan 16, 2007
HA! HA! (points and laughs)
ooooh, holly...your lips look like dew kissed raspberries. (cue sound of wretching)
Jan 16, 2007
Hmm. All the good things to say seem to have been taken.
But: Is that your little pink phone? I'm having phone envy...
Jan 16, 2007
You were up to 91 on your grilled cheese post, when I just checked! ;)
I think it's hysterical that you were ON FIRE and Sean laughed at you! Such a classic classic moment in your relationship I feel....one you'll be telling down the line at family parties..... "do you remember dear, the time I was BURNING and you laughed at me from afar??"
Jan 16, 2007
I feel that my participation is necessary in order to hit that 89 mark.
Because... seriously... who unknowingly lights themselves on fire?
Other than me. And apparently you.
Except I burned a prom dress... that cost a little more than fifteen dollars.
Jan 17, 2007
I was worried a grilled cheese sandwich was burning. Whew!
Jan 17, 2007
God, am I the only American who missed out on "stop, drop and roll"? It may be a product of my advanced age; I'm a baby boomer, after all, and we were drilled on "duck and cover" which is what you were meant to do in the event of being bombed. (No, not drunk; I mean "bombed" in the literal, Cold War sense.) These days, "duck and cover" is what the kids and I yell when Daddy passes gas.
Jan 17, 2007
Ok, if I had just caught on fire, and then actually told people about it, and then let my boyfriend take pictures, I would SO not have though to apply lipslick.
Jan 17, 2007
Actually, I am pretty much always wearing the lipslick. It's great for chapped lips. In fact, it makes my lips the exact color my lips go when they ARE chapped, which sort of defies the purpose of me wearing it when my lips are chapped, I guess.
Jan 17, 2007
Since I commented twice(!) about grilled cheese, I feel that I must comment on almost personal injury. But like many others, I'm stunned by the coordination and neatness of the apartment. Where are the boxes?
Seriously, I'm glad that you're fine (and Sean came to your rescue).
Jan 17, 2007
And you thought traveling in a foreign land was going to be treacherous. Ha. Go make a grilled cheese and put some mango chutney on it -- you deserve it after all that.
Jan 17, 2007
I go to Vegas for a weekend, you catch your hoodie on fire! Glad to see you're ok and The Apartment does, indeed look picture-perfect. My house has looked like that about ...oh, five times. Ever...and not for more than ten minutes at a stretch. Good for you! Possibly helpful tip: Check out the free stuff on craigslist for more furnishings on the cheap.
Jan 17, 2007
I second the request for a photo tour! I've been living in my place for 6 months and my walls are still bare! I'm in some need for some inspiration, and the ikea website sucks!
glad to hear you escaped the fire unharmed!
Jan 17, 2007
Do I need to remind you that the title of your site is "Nothing But Bonfires". YOu really know how to stick with a theme girl! :)
Jan 17, 2007
Are you not up to 89/91 yet? No ... duh. Let me help you along your way. Oh, I'm from England too and we NEVER got taught 'Stop drop and roll', no - I've never heard of this before. We got 'Just say no' rammed down our throats instead.
Jan 17, 2007
'Just say no'? OMG, the evil reach of the Reagan Administration! I didn't know they were using that tagline in England, too. Of all the bits of American culture to inflict on y'all . . . oh, it's just not right.
(And yes, I realize this is my third comment on this entry; but, like Dave, I am trying to get you up to a seemly number.)
Jan 17, 2007
That post was smokin'.
Jan 17, 2007
Glad you're ok Holly! I can only imagine the panic when realizing you're on fire. I think that might explain the flapping of the arms? I too was bombarded with Stop, Drop and Roll in elementary school. And also with the tornado drills, never could figure out why curling up in a ball and covering your head would prevent me from getting sucked up by a twister?
Anyway! Happy you are all right and that the only aftermath is that your hoodie now has built-in air conditioning. :) You should try some of those pocket handwarmers!! :)
Jan 18, 2007
Oh Holly,. my kindred spirit, I have lip liner that is the exact shade of chapped lip (for me that is)
Jan 22, 2007
In the interest of trying to help you top the number of comments on the grilled cheese post . . . I'm so glad you're ok! Like several others, I was yelling (in my head) as I read this "STOP, DROP AND ROLL, HOLLY! STOP, DROP AND ROLL!" Which reminds me that my six-year old said this the other day "Mom, why do we only have fire DRILLS and never get the real thing?" Um, because fire is actually bad. Just ask Holly.