Don't Ask Why Convicts Are On My Mother's Christmas Card List In The First Place

What sort of Christmas card do you send to a person in prison? No, seriously, it's not some kind of riddle; my mother and I actually need to know. She came into the family room where I was draped over an armchair watching Laguna Beach and said "here's something you can ask the Internet: what sort of Christmas card do you send to a person in prison? Because suddenly "Wishing you all the joys of the season" doesn't seem terribly appropriate."

After we'd agreed that "Have a wonderful Christmas!" was probably also a tad insensitive---and more than a little futile---I decided that maybe we should just make one for this jailbird we apparently know, because obviously there's a huge gaping hole in the market when it comes to prison-appropriate Christmas cards.

I'm thinking "Hoping the new year brings you happiness, joy, and a shot at parole." Or maybe just "Santa knows you didn't do it." I bet you've got some ideas of your own, haven't you? Let's hear them then.

Dec 14, 2006

Santa knows what you did last summer. But he'll ever tell because he's scared you'll do the same thing to him. Happy holidays!

Dec 14, 2006

Actually, what I wrote was:

"Sorry you can't be with your family and friends at this time of the year. I know it must be hard. Keep your chin up, and know we're all thinking about you and looking forward to seeing you when you get home."

Dec 14, 2006

How about: "Hoping there's some soap on a rope in your stocking this holiday season."

Dec 14, 2006

"It's a Wonderful (Thirty Years to) Life?"

Dec 14, 2006

"Here's hoping no one comes down your chimney uninvited this year."

Dec 14, 2006

One other suggestion: Whatever you do, don't say "hang in there."

And you didn't mention whether this person has a good sense of humor...?

Dec 14, 2006

ha ha ha. these are great.
I think my favorite is “It’s a Wonderful (Thirty Years to) Life?”

I usually sign my cards "Wishing you nothing but goodness and joy in the 2007" but maybe something like "wishing you nothing but a quiet cell-mate in 2007" would be more appropriate. will have to tell us what you & your Mom do end up writing you know, right?

Dec 14, 2006

Whatever you end up writing, be sure to include a nail file. As a gift. The metal kind. And maybe some razor blades. And a Glock. With hollow bullets, of course. As a joke! A joke on the prison guards!

Dec 14, 2006

"Wishing you a happy Christmas with a minimum or maximum of buggery, as you prefer."

Kyran, Notes to Self
Dec 14, 2006

I am SO glad you asked. My Christmas imix ( includes the seasonal classic, "Christmas in Prison". (sample lyric: "it was Christmas, in prison, and the food was real good/we had turkey and pistols, carved out of wood) Definitely send the convict in question a copy, legally downloaded from the iTunes store. Bonus track: Wham!'s "Last Christmas." I get no money for this, but am hoping the mix will catch on as a cult classic, for posterity's sake.

Getting it into the penal system would be a huge boost in the right direction.

Dec 14, 2006

As much as I love your blog - and I do! - at the end I always leave with WAY more questions than answers.
And ok, I won't ask...

Also, what happened to your header tagline? You know, "the same but different" or "now with brand new days of the month knickers" or even "secret bachelor fentessy tuesdays and much much more"...

Dec 14, 2006

Dear Prisoner 3478991

Hope the turkey lunch is tasty, while you are doing your bird.

(nb. 'doing your bird' is slang for prison least it is in the UK...thought I would add this explanation in case readers thought I was being obscene. Well, you know, more than usual)

jive turkey
Dec 14, 2006

Adele: Thank you for providing an explanation of "doing your bird," because I was envisioning something quite different.

But I imagine they do that in prison too.

Dec 14, 2006

Ho ho ho! Wishing you a cozy holiday.

(Because what's cozier than a cell?)

Seriously, why is there a convict?

Dec 14, 2006

This holiday we’ve sent your gift,
It's just a lump of coal.
It has been rough without you but,
You’ve been a naughty soul.

We’ll sing and dance on your behalf,
Drink cider from a bowl.
But if the guards should want your gift,
Do hide it in your hole.

Merry (or something) Christmas

Dec 14, 2006

Doing your bird - isn't that effing your girlfriend?

Both explanations apply in prison I suspect.

Nothing But Bonfires
Dec 15, 2006

These are awesome. Just incredibly awesome. We should all go into business together.

As for the prisoner, he's someone we know who, uh, turned out to be someone quite different. Although he was framed, apparently. According to him.

And yes, the new tagline will be coming at some point; I know I owe someone a Burmese souvenir.

Dec 15, 2006

gosh I can't think of anything better than what's already been posted in comments!
Maybe, "here's hoping you have that Special Someone to Stuff your Stocking after lockdown!"?

Dec 15, 2006

Just send him a bunch of advent calendars to count down the days to his release.

Dec 15, 2006

othurme, that poem is a literary masterpiece. Well done.

Dec 15, 2006

I can't take full credit for the poem. It was on the card my mom sent me last year when I spent Christmas in AZ for selling "tax deferment plans" to elderly couples.

Dec 15, 2006

ok, this is totally cheesy and not at all clever, but...

"The spirit of Christmas starts in the heart. We hope yours is filled with tinsel
and bells, wherever the season might find you."


"Our warmest thoughts are with you during this trying time. May you find merriment and peace in your heart, for that is truly where Christmas exists."

(these kind of address the issue, which is better than a merrily ignorant note, but they don't make the situation seem so pathetic. I think.)

Dec 15, 2006

"We hope you enjoy the festive season, and have a brighter New Year than the year before," is what I'd send.

Dec 15, 2006

In a really scripty font:

"Here's hoping you don't get shanked this holiday season."

or, in the Mastercard fashion:

"Box of cigarettes: $25
A clean toothbrush: $3
A new pair of slip-on shoes: $10

Becoming your roommate's Bitch: Priceless"

Dec 15, 2006

Merry Christmas.
I'll buy the presents since you took the wrap.

Dec 16, 2006

Caroline, that's punTASTIC!

Dec 16, 2006

'Hope these holidays grant you a Merry Christmas and a Happy Tattooed Rear!'

Dec 18, 2006

I want answers.

Dec 18, 2006

"Wishing you a Mistletoe free holiday!"

Dec 19, 2006

None if that schmaltzy Hallmark stuff. I'd go with a photograph or watercolor painting of nature. Just something nice, quiet, beautiful. Anything to provide a moment's respite from the surroundings.