Wanted: Those Three And A Half Hours Of My Life That I'll Never Get Back

Here's a confession: I've never seen Top Gun. I have no idea what people are talking about when they say things like "I've got the need, I've got the need for speed" and "that's a negative, Ghostrider, the pattern is full." For all I know, they could be asking for illegal drugs and discussing knitting patterns. And maybe they are! Who knows? I try to stay away from Tom Cruise as much as possible, even in movies where he was ostensibly cute, talented, and not pretending to be in love with little Joey Potter, she of the irritating half-smile and unconvincing interest in Dawson "Fivehead" Leery. (Do you know what a fivehead is? It's bigger than a forehead. Oh, how I wish I could claim that joke as my own! Brilliant, isn't it? And I say this as a person undeniably in possession of one. Though if we're making comparisons between mine and his, Dawson's would actually be more like a ninehead.)

Here's another thing: I've also never seen Braveheart. Or Gladiator. And before you try and convince me that I need to rent both immediately because OH MY GOD, YOU ARE NOT GIVING THESE CINEMATIC MASTERPIECES A CHANCE, please know that Sean already owns both of them. They have sat right under my nose in our stack of DVDs for well over three years, and I have happily passed them up time and time again for something with fewer swords and loincloths. And more Mark Ruffalo.

Up until mere moments ago, my most unfulfilling cinematic experience had been having to sit through Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves at a friend's birthday party in 1991. Even getting locked in the toilets at Pizza Hut afterwards didn't come as close on the Trauma Scale as suffering an increasingly numb rear end while yawning through hour after hour of Kevin Costner fighting in a forest and people running around with spears and things, and lots of energetic shouting, and characters with names like "Wulf" and "Guy of Gisbourne." Honestly, I rather wish the Pizza Hut portion of the birthday party had come before the Robin Hood part, so that I could have stayed locked in the cubicle while everyone else went off to the movie, keeping myself busy by doing something far more scintillating and enjoyable than watching a bunch of men in tights, something like picking the skin off of all my toes or cleaning the toilet bowl with my tongue.

Tonight I got guilted into going to see that pirate movie, the one with Johnny Depp and Keira Knightley which, by the way, I would like to THANK YOU ALL IN AMERICA FOR BUYING TICKETS FOR, thus ensuring it was sold out when my sister Susie wanted to see it last week in L.A., which meant that I felt so terribly sorry for her that I agreed, in response to her crushing disappointment, to be her date when it opened in Singapore. You, pirate-lovers of America, are why I ended up in the coldest movie theater in the world with my hoodie zipped to the chin and the hood up, looking for all the world like the Unabomber As Styled By The Gap as I shoveled popcorn into my mouth---is there any other food in the world that one actually shovels? In public?---and listening to the raucous, high-pitched, sugar-fuelled giggles of the chubby, bespectacled Singaporean nine-year-old boy sitting behind me. (My brother Luke said afterwards,"Hey, you can write a post about how you went to see Pirates of the Caribbean and the best part was the weird giggling boy sitting behind you." And I said, "No, Luke, I will write a post about how I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean and the best part was when it was over.")

It's not that I hated it or anything. It was perfectly tolerable, I suppose, in the way that eating half-melted store-brand vanilla ice cream is, and I was reasonably content just to sit there and think of all the ways I'd like to torture Orlando Bloom until he promised to leave the planet forever (taking Kate Bosworth with him, of course---now that she's stopped eating, she'd certainly just fit right into his hand luggage, or maybe even a small envelope.) But it was just so long! And there were so many swordfights! And apparently in Singapore it's perfectly okay to just CHECK YOUR BLACKBERRY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE and answer your cell phone with "Hello? Nah, I can't really talk, I'm in the cinema." And then go ahead and talk anyway.

On the plus side, though, Johnny Depp had some bitchin' gold teeth in that movie. And there were no surprise appearances by Kevin Costner or Tom Cruise. Things would have been a lot better, though, had I thought to lock that chubby little giggling boy in the Pizza Hut toilets before the trailers even started. Damn. Hindsight is always 20/20.

1
Liberal Banana
Jul 19, 2006

Really? I'm dying to see Hott Depp and hear him say "Savvy?" I love him in films so much that it's quite sickening. In real life? Meh. But ohmygod, if I could jump into the movie Chocolat and feed him a freakin' truffle? I would then die of happiness, which is a good way to go if you ask me.

So...planning on seeing "Little Man" any time soon?

2
jessica
Jul 19, 2006

I thought I was the only person in the world that wasn't head over heels in love with that movie. I mean, it was fine, but that's about all.

3
lisa
Jul 19, 2006

At least you had your hoodie. I was once forced to sit through Autumn in New York in a freezing theater sans hoodie. By the end I wished it was ME dying instead of Winona Ryder.

4
wordnerd
Jul 19, 2006

I've never seen Braveheart. Or Titanic. Or Gladiator. Okay, technically, I saw Gladiator because it was on DVD in my house, and I watched five minutes.

5
Alexa
Jul 19, 2006

I don't intend to see said Pirate Movie, so I really have nothing to say about that.
Don't be tempted to watch "Braveheart," though. My roommates rented it years ago, and sat there all weepy-eyed whilst Mel Gibson roared (for hours and hours) about how they could cut off his head, but they couldn't cut off his FRRREEDOM! or some such...my god, I am bored JUST WRITING THIS COMMENT.
ZZZZZZ.

6
jes
Jul 19, 2006

I saw said Pirate Movie. And this is what I want to know: WHAT WAS UP WITH THE FISH-FACED OCTOPUS LOOKING GUY?

I just kept wishing I was on-set so I could re-arrange his makeup. It was so...fake. And, unrealistic. And really, really impossibly silly-looking.

7
Adele
Jul 19, 2006

Aw come on....you didn't enjoy Johnny sashaying around, rolling his eyes and getting made into a kebab....even just a little?

Film definitely loooooooong. And too much barnacle-facedness..

But still ...the sashaying?

Love it. Savvy?

8
geeky
Jul 19, 2006

I bet the shrieking-laughter and loud talking lady who kicked the chair in front of her (and next to us) so hard she BROKE it during the Pirate movie beats your chubby 9 year old.

9
sbmeepers
Jul 19, 2006

Aye-Aye, me hearties! First off: The first one: Way better. Second: J. Depp, in any form, but ESPECIALLY with eyeliner, dreadlocks a la Keith Richards, gold teeth and the word "Savvy"? puntuating most of his sentences? Strangely hot for me. Even when the theatre is freezing-ass cold.

Blackberry/cell phone-ness? Irritating. Agree with Jes about Octopus Guy, who was in fact the famous character "Davy Jones". I didn't have a problem with him as much as the guy with the shell-head that fell off. Braveheart and Gladiator? Mostly for the boys, methinks.

10
MJ
Jul 19, 2006

Autumn in New York is one of the worst movies ever. I saw it because I love New York and the absolute best character was the scenery! But I digress. The pirate movie. I saw one (the first one?) on DVD while I was home alone with sleeping children. Even as someone who rarely gets out anymore I was bored. To tears. I had to drink much wine. Alone. So, I think it's best if I stay far away from any sunken treasure. Or whatever happens.

11
Josh
Jul 19, 2006

I really like good films which are enjoyable. But I'm not so keen on bad films, which are rubbish.

12
Erica
Jul 19, 2006

Love JD in the 1st one, refused to see most blockbusters at the theater and still want to KILL for sitting through Home Alone when it came out on video. Not seeing the new Pirate til it is out on DVD so I can fastforward to the Johnny Depp parts on the advice of both my best friend and Mom who know me quite well when it comes to what I am willing to sit through in a theater. I was totally affronted by the fact that you didn't like Robin Hood until I remembered that the one I love is RH: Men in Tights.

13

look at it this way: only a few more weeks before the Singaporian release of the Wayans Brothers' new opus "LITTLE MAN."

Of course, you just may want to wait until they release the Criterion DVD. I hear they've lined gene shallot up to do a critical commentary.

14
Susie
Jul 19, 2006

As much Pirate memorabilia as I have in my room (shoes, posters, folders, etc), I too was disappointed in this one! Johnny's accent had changed somewhat, and how are children below the age of like....21 allowed to see it? There's so much violence! I have the same feelings about Chocolat too, Liberal Banana, in fact I fast forwarded to all the Johnny Depp parts!

15
stiltwalker
Jul 20, 2006

found your site through Phoenix Hearse....anyways I can honestly say that I now wouldn't mind sleeping with J Depp. He's hot with the gold grill and all. But it was entirely too long and too many freaky hybrid fish/men thingies. I was scared.

16
Lisa
Jul 20, 2006

Wow, I'm kinda bummed you didn't like Pirates, I was looking forward to going. OK, OK, admittedly I was looking forward to going more to escape from the neverending amount of housework we are in the middle of but I was just slightly excited about the movie. Oh well.....And by the way, I personally really enjoy Just Like Heaven. How do you feel about that one?

17
bad andy
Jul 20, 2006

so I guess I have to ask... what movies are your cup of tea???

I can't say that Gladiator, Braveheart, Top Gun, or Pirates are the most intelligent
movies out... they are more matters of spectacle.

Are we a Waiting for Guffman girl? How about Serendipity? or do you like Collateral and Heat and are secretly anticipating Miami Vice???

18
LCA
Jul 20, 2006

Your blog is at the top of my list of favorites, but this post has just solidified that standing. I have seen precisely none of those movies, and I have no intention of ever seeing them because I am in the same camp as you are. And good gosh, I have heard quite enough gushing over that pirate movie. I've managed not to be dragged into this one--the first was bad enough. (An exchange between my friends and me: "LCA, do you want to go to the movies with us?" "Yeah, sure." "We were thinking of 'Pirates 2." "NO.") I've already lost enough hours of my life watching things like "Lord of the Rings" at friends' suggestions.

Also, when I went to see "Strangers with Candy" on Saturday, I went to the coldest theater in the U.S., and I was prepared with sneakers, leggings, a skirt, a sweater over a tank top, and coffee, and I dind't warm up foranother 12 hours. And I live in Atlanta, where the highs are around 101 degrees. What the fuck, theaters?

And finally, I, too, am in possession fo a fivehead.

My, what a de-lurking comment THAT was. Nice to meet you.

19
s@bd
Jul 20, 2006

I love you.
If this silly thing with -what's his name?- Sean? doesn't work out, just call me. We can NOT watch movies together.

And don't bother with Gladiator or Braveheart - read a book instead.

20
Meghan
Jul 20, 2006

My friend Chris wants his tombstone to read, "HE NEVER SAW 'TOP GUN.'"

I'm with ya on the more Mark Ruffalo. Mrow!

21
Nothing But Bonfires
Jul 20, 2006

Lisa, it's impossible for me to remember what I thought of Just Like Heaven, because I'm fairly certain I WEPT ALL THE WAY THROUGH IT.

And Bad Andy, let me think what I recently saw and liked: TransAmerica, Match Point, Happy Endings, Proof, Thumbsucker, and Shopgirl were all quite enjoyable. But what was going on in Syriana? Did ANYONE understand that? Apart from Sean and George Clooney, I mean?

22
kerri
Jul 20, 2006

If only there were a rewind button for movies that stunk like poo.

I'm with you; "Pirates" was alright, but I was definitely disappointed. Bigger budget, bigger special effects, but not so big on the witty dialogue and funny Depp-age. I was just glad they didn't incorporate Orlando Bloom's character sharing an inner (monotonous) monologue like he did in "Elizabethtown."

23
Josh
Jul 20, 2006

hmm, I'm not sure why I left that comment. I was slightly worse for wear last night.

I like pirates, in general.

Can you all stop moaning about being too cold though. We're currently having a heatwave in London and have suddenly realised nothing in our country's infrastructure is designed to cope with temperatures higher than "quite warm, actually". Cue men wearing shorts to the office, drivers abandoning their cars, roads being gritted with something to stop them melting, temperatures on buses reaching 130 degrees (allegedly), and me having someone else's sweat DRIP ONTO MY BOOK on the underground. Give me a cold dark cinema any day, hoodie or no.

24
Leslie
Jul 20, 2006

All movies are bad. They're terrible. They're painful. I've written them off completely. In the US and Singapore.

25
NDM
Jul 20, 2006

Never seen Braveheart? ...okay.

Never seen Gladiator? ...lots of people haven't.

NEVER SEEN TOP GUN???!!! GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY! What's wrong with you?! It's an American icon! It created a legion of millions of wanna-be-fighter-pilot kiddies (myself included). It completely revamped the entire image of the US Navy and still acts as the greatest recruitment tool of all time. It also set the standard for American military movies in terms of accuracy, action, and story.

Is it Citizen Kane? Of course not... Is it melodramatic and filled with overly-macho sayings and guy mannerisms? Well, duh...

But it definitely provides some of the best movie one-liners of all time.

You wouldn't understand...it's a Guy Thing.

26
marcheline
Jul 20, 2006

Top Gun? Hint: You see this movie for the fighter jets, and maybe Val Kilmer as "Ice Man"... definitely not to be watched for Tom Scientology Cruise.

Braveheart? If you ever saw it, you'd understand why it's so great. It's about a man leading the underdogs to fight for freedom against oppression. The story makes it great, not the visual doodads. Although Mel Gibson is quite a nice visual doodad...

Kevin Costner is just a cardboard cutout who happens to be able to breathe and speak, however monotonally. Avoid his version of any script at all cost(ner)s.... except for "Dances With Wolves", which was great, although you most likely haven't seen that either. Carey Elwes' "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" is a much better option, IMO.

Have you ever seen "The Girl in the Cafe" - starring Bill Nighy? If you haven't, give it a try.

27
bad andy
Jul 20, 2006

wow i missed all those movies...

Lets see I wanted to see TransAmerica, and Proof (it was on stage and I wanted to catch it there before I saw it on the big screen... sigh).

Top Gun is most see, you don't have to like it, but you do have to watch it. It's some wierd hazing ritual. I have never seen all of BraveHeart in one sitting, but the girl is pretty hot. As for Gladiator, I am not a big Crowe fan. The odd MTV/Baz Laurmann-esque cinematography in some of the action scenes was missed place (it just didn't look right).

did you catch Thank You for Smoking (i missed this one too)???

28
bad andy
Jul 21, 2006

sigh.. i came back here to see if there were any additional comments, but the only thing i noticed was how bad my grammar was in the last post. Thats what I get for trying to type with one hand and trying to feed a baby with the other.

29
marcheline
Jul 22, 2006

Andy, if you are as "bad" as your name indicates, we KNOW what you were really doing with the other hand..... heh heh!

30
bad andy
Jul 25, 2006

shhhh heh heh heh (you weren't supposed to tell everyone).

31
Chris
Jul 29, 2006

oh,i like here

i will come here again!

welcome to my website and take look~

you will get fun!

http://www.heyjokes.com

32
disneypluto
Aug 05, 2006

http://www.heycars.net

Hey cars provides information about car hire, how to rent an exotic car, luxury cars, BMW cars, Porsche cars, Ferrari cars, Maybach cars, car videos, sports cars, limousines, car financing, prestige cars, Bentley cars and tips about chauffeur driven cars.

33
disneypluto
Aug 05, 2006

http://www.heyvids.com

hey vids provides information about car hire, how to rent an exotic car, luxury cars, BMW cars, Porsche cars, Ferrari cars, Maybach cars, car videos, sports cars, limousines, car financing, prestige cars, Bentley cars and tips about chauffeur driven cars.

34
ekiny
Aug 07, 2006

http://www.heycars.net

Hey cars provides information about car hire, how to rent an exotic car, luxury cars, BMW cars, Porsche cars, Ferrari cars, Maybach cars, car videos, sports cars, limousines, car financing, prestige cars, Bentley cars and tips about chauffeur driven cars.