You Can't Judge A Man Until You've Walked A Mile In His Shoes, Or At Least Stood In Line Waiting To Pay For Them

For the last few years, I've been gently suggesting to Sean that he might need some brown shoes. Not Pumas and not flipflops, just nice brown shoes---like this or this---that one might wear with khakis if one's girlfriend is a bridesmaid in a big Southern wedding and one therefore needs to attend a lot of preliminary garden parties wearing a tie. For the last few years, he has been ignoring me. Hell, for the last few days, he has been ignoring me, even as I've said, "My dearest, I promise I really do love you and I think you are the most handsome man in the world, but I really don't think you can wear those beat-up Havaianas to a party held by a family whose sons are all named after streets."

Today I managed to rouse myself from the sun lounger on the back deck---unemployment is great!---for long enough to make a trip to stock up on several last-minute bridesmaid-related neccessities for Jemima's wedding on Saturday. I am now the proud owner of a shapeless gold dress that has undergone $87 worth of alterations and still would look better on my cats, a nude strapless bra (purchased after the Nazi Seamstress plucked the edge of my black one and said, "this is wrong! Buy a new one!"), two hundred bobby pins, a large can of AquaNet (I've always wanted to buy AquaNet and am absolutely thrilled to now have an occasion to do so, especially since it only cost $1.49 for a can large enough to cement my hair in place until my funeral), and a pair of gold espadrille wedges (oh, did you want to see them?) which are comfortable enough to dance in, make me tall enough to avoid being paired with one of the unfortunately short groomsmen, cost a quarter of what the dress alteration cost, and peek out just enough from below my metallic potato sack bridesmaid's ensemble. I have decided to implement a new rule in my life and this rule will be that I can only wear gold shoes. I think this will make me happier than many things make me---with the exception, of course, of cheese and Orangina---and it will ensure that my feet look permanently tanned. Which, with the amount of time I've spent sunbathing out on the deck when I should have been organizing my shit into boxes labeled "dishes!" and "hand towels!" they actually should be.

(Wait, what was I talking about? I've just returned home from one of the aforementioned garden parties and am typing this in my green and white Stepford Wife sundress---I tend to think of garden parties as costume parties---after one too many Dark & Stormys and eight too many ham biscuits.)

Oh yes, Sean's shoes! So I'd been telling him and telling him and telling him that maybe he needed a nice pair of brown shoes---even going so far as to ask him before I headed out on my shopping trip this afternoon if perhaps he'd like to accompany me and look for some----and he'd been ignoring me and ignoring me and ignoring me, which, fair enough, I'd probably have done too if I was him because I'd have had online sudoko to play and websites to design and a total and complete White Man's 'Fro to cultivate. And then today as I was driving back home, AquaNet and espadrilles in the back seat, he called me and left a message and said, "hey, do you want to stop and buy me some brown shoes?"

And this was kind of awesome! If you think standing in front of the men's shoe display at Steinmart saying things into your cell phone like "okay, they've got the 'Verkehr' style in saddle brown; can you see that on the webpage? No, not the 'Autobahn,' the 'Verkehr'---Jesus, I don't know why all the shoe styles are in German---yeah, it's slightly different because it has a higher sole and slightly lower grooves on the tongue" is awesome, WHICH I DON'T.

But the upshot of all this is that Sean now has two pairs of brown shoes AND HE NEVER EVEN HAD TO LEAVE THE HOUSE TO GET THEM. And I was thinking about this, and how unfair it all was, and how excellent it would be if I could just decide I wanted some new shoes and then sit there until they arrived, and I was wallowing in self-pity about how I don't have a magic shoe fairy who just brings me shoes when I decide willy-nilly that I want them, and then I remembered that oh yes, wait, hang on, I totally do, she just goes by the name of Zappos. And she never complains about how crowded it was in the parking lot.

1
Sarah Brown
Jun 09, 2006

After going through this ordeal with an unhappy ending with two separate boyfriends in my early twenties, I resolved never again to date a man unless he owned more than one pair of shoes. Multiple pairs of Chucks do not count.

2
jes
Jun 09, 2006

Oh, the love. If I licked the monitor each time I loaded the Zappos site, my screen would be nothing but slobbery streak marks and quite possibly, my tongue would be a static mess of saliva. But it would be totally worth it. Zaaaaaaaaaaappoooooooossssssssss.

3
Rav
Jun 09, 2006

Dear God, those are some *serious* espadrilles. What in God's name are Dark 'n' Stormy's?

The rules are of course different for "my lot," but I've just taken delivery of a brand new pair of converse and I intend to wear them every single day, to every social occasion, until they fall apart.

4
Anna
Jun 09, 2006

Ha! Shoes, schmoes. My boyfriend asked me the other day if while i was out shopping, i could possibly pick him up a suit. a SUIT!

5
Lisa
Jun 09, 2006

I found your blog through Kelli's Musings-and I have to say I totally love it!
As for the shoes--man can I relate! I had to practically beat my husband over the head to get him to buy some a year ago and now he's convinced that he won't need another pair for at least ten years. Little does he know that his mom told me that he needs a new pair, a nicer pair, for his sister's wedding. I might just go and buy them for him and save myself the headache!

6
Mary Dawn
Jun 09, 2006

ORANGINA!

7
Susie
Jun 09, 2006

Those are niiiice wedges! Boy oh boy! I want me some of those! I think that I shall be Sean and say "hey, do you want to pick me up a pair of those wedges....and then fly them to Singapore?", because I am your SISTER so we are related by blood and therefore you must do it.

8
Nothing But Bonfires
Jun 09, 2006

Rav, a Dark & Stormy is just rum and ginger beer. It has something of The Famous Five about it but also, you know, alcohol.

9
MetroDad
Jun 09, 2006

Zappos is a woman? I thought he was the just the man with whom my wife is having a secret affair. Damn you, Zappos! You sapphic homewrecker!

10
Freeman
Jun 09, 2006

I tend to laugh at the dresses selected by brides for their wedding parties. Luckily, my own spouse decided on a selection of very tasteful red evening gowns with matching scarves. Bold, yet elegant.

11
Kelli
Jun 09, 2006

What a great find on those gold espadrilles. Oh how I love target.

And, p.s. you totally look hotter with the French Roast then I do. But, um, someone left a comment talking about Chocolate Velvet coloring-- how heavenly does that sound?!

12
JB
Jun 09, 2006

Ohhhhhh, Zappo's... I love that site with an undying passion. So many shoes! Free shipping! Ahhh....

I'm getting married in a few months and have decided that everyone can just wear whatever they want. I'm not getting a wedding dress, either, just a gold formal dress. Apparently this makes me un-American and possibly also a Socialist, but oh well.

Love the wedges!

13
Lumpyheadsmom
Jun 09, 2006

I love the Dark and Stormy so much. The only problem is that it must be made with Ginger Beer - not plain old ginger ale - which can be difficult to find. Oh, it also must have a lime wedge, in my book. [Sob.] Want one. Right now. So much.

14
Blakeburn
Jun 09, 2006

Ginger beer difficult to find?! Not in the land of Enid Blyton.

Burns - proxy man-shoe shopping sounds tedious, but not as bad as searching for shoes with shoeless boyfriend in tow. Hour after dizzying hour of trainer browsing, I could quite happily stomach - even enjoy - but the pursuit of a shoe he had a *very particular* picture of, yet could not quite communicate to me... that was trying.

15
misfithausfrau
Jun 09, 2006

How on EARTH did you cover 5 topics that are so near and dear to me: Orangina, Espadrilles, Cheese, Target and ZAPPOS???!!!

16
Diane
Jun 09, 2006

I bought my beloved some fun shoes for our boat and he determined that they were 'gay' and I had to take them back. Shortly thereafter, he asked, while I was out buying me a dee-light-ful pair of black patent leather, peep-toe pumps (they are HOT!) and says - "Could you pick me up a couple of shirts and a pair of shorts from Tommy Hilfiger?" Named the store and everything. For a boy who doesn't like to shop - he was very quick with the brand name. I did reply that I would be happy to buy him those things but that he would also be buying me the pretty pair of bronze shoes at Nine West. He thought about it and then said that it was OK - he didn't need the clothes after all.

We don't have Zappos in Canada so I have to be my own shoe fairy - it is a fun job I must admit!

17

I believe this is a good sign, holly. the longer you work on him, the more likely he will one day spend hours with an infant strapped to his chest combing through thrift store clothing racks looking for perfect hipster sleeved-50s-housewife dresses for you while you get a mani/pedi in another part of town. It took my wife ten years to get me this whipped.

18
Emily
Jun 09, 2006

I laughed and laughed at this post until the end because that's when I looked outside and saw that it was pouring and remembered that my latest pair of Zappos shoes are sitting outside on the front stoop because they had dog poo on them yesterday.

And now they are probably ruined. And they were orange! And delicious! And ON SALE AND ALSO THE LAST PAIR IN MY SIZE.

Suck.

19
samantha
Jun 09, 2006

You are a good woman, a patient woman. What is it about boys and their shoes? My husband has the rattiest shoes and I will now employ your trick, oh yes I will!

And at least beautiful Jemima didn't email you a picture of a CHARTREUSE dress and suggest you BUY it. (It's on sale! For $99! I wonder why???) I am afraid I have pissed off a dear bride friend by suggesting that perhaps CHARTREUSE isn't the most flattering color for, oh, 99% of womandom. I really had to draw the line at CHARTREUSE and please tell me you would too?

20
Nothing But Bonfires
Jun 10, 2006

Chartreuse? Hell, yes, I would draw the line. Though a friend told me last night that she once had to wear a bridesmaid's dress with a MOCK TURTLENECK. To add insult to injury, the dress was made of lycra. And had cut-outs in the back so you couldn't wear a bra.

Jemima wasn't around when I heard that, but I made a mental note to french kiss her in gratitude next time I saw her.

21
Gallaudet
Jun 11, 2006

I buy every single stitch of clothing for every single person in my house (that would be one me, one husband, and two sons). I have long since stopped asking for their opinions: I just go, buy, and dress. Or actually, I get online, blog, read NBB, laugh, go to J. Crew because now I want a Stepford Wife sundress too, then buy everything for the guys in a frenzy because I have discovered a Land's End sale.

Oh, it's FUN.

22
marcheline
Jun 11, 2006

Zappos has great shoes - but their ads are getting longer and longer...

BTW, those shoes are a perfect match for the bridesmaid's dress.

- M

23
gina in SC
Jun 11, 2006

ahhh love the espadrilles. i also ADORE orangina. hard to find.

have fun at the festivities :)

24
Nancy
Jun 11, 2006

The espadrilles are totally cute. No one will notice the champagne tent because they will be eyeing your fetching toes. If they can stop ogling Sean's Verkehrmekerssmerkehms, that is.

The mock turtleneck wins for worst EVER bridesmaid outfit. I though it was bad when I had to don a very proper, very boxy navy blue, knee length dress with ivory piping on the hem and sleeves AND kid gloves AND pearls AND navy pumps AND -- wait for it -- a small hat. All I'm saying is that my weird cousin clearly had an unhealthy thing for Jackie O.

25
Nothing But Bonfires
Jun 12, 2006

Or air hostesses.

26
Anna
Jun 12, 2006

Ah, an explanation of the 'Dark & Stormy' mystery. I'm so pleased, i was embarrassed to ask in case it was common knowledge. And happily, it is practically a sister to my current favourite - the Mexican Mule, which requires: Tequila, ginger beer and lime. And lots of ice. And a sunny day to drink it on. You can't go wrong with ginger beer, i firmly believe.

27
Gretchen
Jun 13, 2006

Zappos -- my God, I don't even go there anymore. Not until I am earning more money, that is. And I LOVE it that you shop at Target. My ass is in that place two or three times a week. Because I always need diapers or Diet Coke or garden gnomes or juice boxes or those $10 sunglasses with the rhinestones.

28

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