Possibly The Best Reason To Go To The Dentist <i>Ever</i>

So the day before yesterday, I was feeling very glamorous with my "I quit my job!" and my "I'm moving to San Francisco!" and my "I'm traveling around Asia!" I was even feeling glamorous about the Squatting Toilets, because peeing in a hole in the ground can totally be glamorous, as long as you do it with your Jackie O. sunglasses on.

But I must have angered the gods or something, because yesterday I did quite the most un-glamorous thing of my life. Remember when I asked if skewering oneself through the palm with a marshmallow roasting stick was the most ridiculous way to injure oneself, and we all agreed instead that no, having one's shoulder pierced THROUGH A SWEATER by a falling icicle, like Meg did, was even worse? Remember that? Well, Meg is going to have to hand that trophy back to me tout de suite because yesterday I claimed rightful ownership of it again by doing something that should actually be a punchline in a joke about Tori Spelling rather than a fate to befall a real human. I PULLED A MUSCLE IN MY NECK BY FLIPPING MY HAIR.

I was trying to blow dry it, you see. Since I got my most recent haircut, I usually just let it dry by itself in the morning, because if I'm lucky, it goes more Parisian Chic than Little French Boy, and I'd much rather have The Aurélie than The Jean-Luc. Yesterday, though, I was feeling so glamorous that I decided to blow it dry, and so I flipped my head forward---rather violently, I suppose---to dry it upside down. And then I screeched in pain, and spent the rest of the day looking 30 degrees off the to left and being unable to turn my head back to its normal place.

And then immediately afterwards, I broke a wineglass while scrubbing a coffee mug. And to add to The Trifecta Of Non-Glamour, I had a dentist's appointment later that morning, during which the infamous Dr. Assey---yes! My dentist's name is Dr. Assey! Please take a moment to giggle; I needed ten myself---pressed into my hands a pamphlet about porcelain veneers. Do I need porcelain veneers? (Also, while you're answering questions, should I get ads on my site? I used to be Vehemently Opposed, but now I'm thinking, "hmm, I will not receive a paycheck after May 12, yet curiously I will still require lipgloss and gummy bears and old New Kids On The Block songs from iTunes. Plus, I will totally need to buy tie-dyed pants in Bangkok." What do you think? Selling out? Or just being sensible? And could I sell enough ads to pay for porcelain veneers?)

The one good thing that happened---not a glamorous thing, mind you, hell no, not a glamorous thing---was that Dr. Assey gave me a goodie bag after my appointment. And in my goodie bag was this:

Needless to say, my toothbrush inscribed with the words "Dr. Assey" has totally knocked all my other possessions out of the running in the Most Favorite Possession Of All contest. If you'd like my hot pink Kitchenaid mixer, I'll be leaving it out on the curb outside my house at five today.

Thespian Libby
Apr 21, 2006


Apr 21, 2006

For the first time ever, I am wishing I lived in Charleston right now. Because I would so take a hot pink KitchenAid off your curb, no questions asked. Hell, I'd take a shit green one...it would have to be better than my old Sunbeam that has more sentimental value (it is the one my mom had until she got her own, you guessed it, KitchenAid) than actual mixing value. Oh, and it is also...shit green.

BTW, Dr. Assey...that is even better than Lipschultz (pronounced Lip Shits, of course). Heh.

Liberal Banana
Apr 21, 2006

Holy crap, that is hilARious! I'm working at my second "Money for More Shoes" job today and came across a woman whose first and middle name together were "Fanny Nice." Amusing, no?

Ads can definitely make the site uglier but hey, if you want some potential revenue while you're gone, why not? We'll understand. And perhaps buy something in order to fund more excellent Asian Adventure stories.

(By the way, the veneers thing is about as rude as the acne comment. I'm sure you don't need them; the dentist is probably just trying to make some extra cash to go on his own trip 'round the world. Tell him to bite you, or kiss your ass - whichever works better as you're talking to a dentist named Dr. Assey.)

Nothing But Bonfires
Apr 21, 2006

It's possible that it may just be de rigueur for all dentists to hand their clients pamphlets on porcelain veneers the minute they hear a British accent. My teeth seem fine to me.

Apr 21, 2006

Assey is a pretty great name. I order my chinese food from a place called Ho's. Ha! Makes me giggle every time.

Apr 21, 2006

I'm handing the trophy back, but you won't have it for long, since the weekend stretches out before us with multiple possibilities for peril!

Okay -- an interesting thing -- we have wine glasses that break every couple weeks or so. Perhaps they are fragile. Perhaps they are cheap. But you can literally be HOLDING one, and it will break IN YOUR HAND.

We can't even let them SEE a sinkful of dishes, because they shatter preemptively.

And I will click on any and all ads you place on your site if you will please post pictures of your tie-dye adventures. As long as they are not porn-related, and I am not at work (the porn kind -- I will click on all other ads at work. Not that I would click on porn ads just because I was at home.)

Apr 21, 2006

Delurking to say I will PAY for your hot pink mixer!

I will pay for shipping!...and and gummy bears!... I'm not sure If I can afford the veneers...but for a hot pink mixer it's a possibility!

Apr 21, 2006

I meant the ads were porn-related, not your tie-dye adventures.

Not that you'd have porn ads!


Apr 21, 2006

Hee! Dr. Assey! Actually, our local Asian market carries a biscuit, I think probably Vietnamese because of the French name, called "Couque D'Asses." And there is nothing for it but for both my house and my daughter's apartment to have a big box of Couque D'Asses prominently displayed in our kitchens. We pronounce it Cock-Duh-Asses.

You should buy ME some tie-dyed pants in Thailand. It sure beats what my HUSBAND was buying in Thailand. Also, I can empathize with the flipping the hair thing, because I once wrenched my own neck bending it at an odd angle to scrutinize the bottom of my hair for split ends.

Apr 21, 2006

RE: ads -
I was once Vehemently Opposed, until I realized HOLY CRAP! I CAN MAKE MONEY! And so, since the end of March 2006, I have hereby made $255.83. Get ads. They'll fund your trip. Or, maybe you can just let them accrue, and when you get back from Asia you'll have 1/4 of your monthly rent in San Francisco!

RE: injury -
My husband, who "styles" his hair with Sebastian's fiber wax, reached up to rub the wax in his hair AND PULLED A MUSCLE IN HIS BACK. This rendered him immobile for THREE WEEKS, during which I had to dress him (entirely!), drive him, and help him stand up and sit down. Additionally, everytime he rolled over in bed, I awoke to yelping and screeching, because it hurt him. It was kind of like he was physically retarded.

So, be encouraged.

Apr 21, 2006

Don't get too comfortable with that trophy. I've been too embarrassed to even post about this yet, but on wednesday night after a decadent dinner out, I got ready for bed and thought I'd practice my boxing routine for class the next day. And swung. And tripped. And SLASHED my arm open on the corner of the WALL. Emergency room, five stitches, 4am return home. All in a short white lacy nightgown. Even the doctor laughed at me.

Ps. Assey? Hee!

Apr 21, 2006

I think all these weird occurences are deeply meaningful signs...

the neck twist - you're going to be seeing things from a new angle

the wineglass - you're going to have a smashing time when you least expect it

the dentist - you'll be laughing your ass off a lot (especially when using your new toothbrush)

As for the ads - go for it! i don't understand people who get all sniffy about it...who cares? If an amusing internet friend of mine can make dosh from their site, all the better as far as I'm concerned.

Apr 21, 2006

yeah, i strained my, um... gluts getting up off the toity once.

my friend's dentist is dr. payne.

Apr 21, 2006


You have no idea how excited I am about DR.ASSEY!

About the ads. Who in the everloving hell put THAT idea in your head? Ha! Ha! Just do it! Its extra FREE money! (And I'm not just saying that so I can get 5% of your sales! I swear!) Besides, it feels good to sell out. It just does.

Maybe Dr.Assey will be ad space on your site! How awesome will THAT be?


Apr 21, 2006

Don't do the ad's! Your site is too pretty! What does Sean say about it? Do like CITYWENDY did and have a virtual jar for tips. There's this little banner that says "change is good". It made me curious and when I clicked on it, I got directed to the paypal site for tips. How slick is that? I totally love her site and actually did donate my Starbucks money of that day to her tip jar. And if you haave one tiny little tip jar instead of all these ad banners, I will definitely deposite the kids lunch money in there once a week!

Apr 21, 2006

I'm conflicted about the ads thing. I'm putting ads on my site, and I'm still conflicted. But I figure, I might as well make some money while I'm conflicted, I can always take them off.

Money making idea: get some more toothbrushes, and auction them off on your blog. I will totally bid!

Apr 22, 2006

...ten years from now, explaining to one of your many minions at your [no longer] new seriously executive-level job why you're always looking at them out of the corner of your eye, "it's an old blow-drying injury."

Apr 22, 2006

just hee! and any ads would be fine by me. Dr. Assey is almost as good as my pediadric dentist DR. JINKS! and i am serious. bon soir.

Apr 22, 2006

You know, it probably says a great deal about Dr. Assey that he made it through junior high with a name like that. There is likely very little he can't handle.

But the toothbrush? Priceless.

And put up all the ads you want. The least we can do is help you get paid!

Apr 22, 2006

don't care about ads. unless they're ugly.
in which case, a virtual tip jar sounds lovely.

Apr 22, 2006

I tossed my head back to commence with the shampooing of hair down to my waistline.

Only, I chopped it all off (to my chin) yesterday and there was no hair TO toss.

I jerked in surprise (not a morning person) and wrenched my neck to the point where I'm laying down now to surf blogs as it HURTS to hold my head up. Thank god the 4 mo. old bubblecious is napping...

So, um, yah. The things we do. Hope you feel better soon!

Bill B
Apr 22, 2006

Well - I don't think there was a doctor involved but I used to know of a place that sold prosthetics legs, arms and what not called . . . . "Stubb's Limb & Brace"

Still cracks me up :)

Do the ads - see what happens . . .

Apr 23, 2006

A new visitor...very entertaining site! As one other reader alluded to, can't even imagine what it was like for Dr. Assey as a kid...ouch!

Apr 23, 2006

the pretty young thing who serves as the senior customer service rep at my bank is named "Amanda Ball"

Couldn't her parents get a clue?

Apr 23, 2006

Holy shit, I'm no longer the only person I know who sprained their neck while blow-drying my hair. Actually, I'm both relieved and a little sad about that, because it's always been a mark of distinction for me.

Go for the ads - why not? Dr. Assey would approve. Where I grew up there was a doctor whose name was Dr. Slaughter. I always wondered how he stayed in business.

Apr 23, 2006

I don't think you need porcelain veneers, but I'd have to see your teeth up close to know. Will each veneer say "Dr. Assey" on it? If so, get them.

Nothing But Bonfires
Apr 23, 2006

Actually, I think one front tooth will say "ASS" and the other will say "EY!" so that when I open my mouth to smile, I'll be a walking advertisement for his dental practice. Hey, if I'm selling out by putting ads on the site, might as well go the whole way, right?

Thespian LLibby
Apr 23, 2006

Absolutely. And do be sure to have "ASS" and "EY!" spelled out in little tee-ninecy diamonds. That way, when you smile, you'll be "flashin' yo grille". I am so fuckin' hip.....

Culotte Folle
Apr 24, 2006

Oh, Holly, don't do the ads. I was thinking about it, and I realized that the 87 cents I might make just isn't worth it to me.

And I will second that your site is among the prettiest I've ever seen. Don't kerfunkle it up with Google ads for toothpaste.

Apr 24, 2006

heehee... sorry to hear about your neck, ouch!

I love your dentist's name. My sister works for a guy named Dick Holden. HA! Poor guys....

Apr 24, 2006

Don't get the veneers! My dentist talked me into putting veneers on two of my teeth that were small to make them larger. Well since I had them put on in August, I have been back roughly 9,000 times because one of them keeps falling off! And since the dentist had to grind down my small teeth even further to put on the veneers, now when the damn thing falls off I look like I should be headed to Walmart to get mah nails did!

Apr 24, 2006

I hurt my neck really badly trying to show off in yoga class last year. Hurt it really, really badly. I had to leave the class, and I drove myself home, but I totally shouldn't have. I couldn't turn my neck, and everytime I tried to look in the rearview mirror my eyes welled up from the pain. It didn't get fully better for about a month! My boyfriend really wanted me to go to a doctor, but I was too embarassed to say I threw my neck out doing yoga. hope yours doesn't take that long... otherwise I highly recommend making up a story about saving an injured puppy from an oncoming truck or fighting off armed robbers using Brazilian jujitsu or something so people don't have ammunition against you for years to come.

Apr 24, 2006

Longtime lurker/first time commenter who wanted to add something regarding doctor's names. I had gum grafts done on three teeth this past Friday morning (which is no fun whatsoever). I overheard my periodontist telling another patient that his dad is an OB/GYN and his first name is Dick and that his nickname is Tricky Dick. The other doctor in his dad's practice is named Dr. Weiner.

We also used to have a stock brokerage company in my building called Risk Capital. That's where I want to invest my money!

Apr 24, 2006

I'm in favor of ads if you want to have ads. As long as they don't pop-up or get in my way. I'm even used to the RSS feed ads now. So go for it.

And if you're really looking to give that mixer away, I WILL PROBABLY PAY SHIPPING! Gah!

Apr 24, 2006

I'm reminded of the Seinfeld episode with the "ASSMAN" license plates. Your dentist could be the "ASSEYMAN" instead. If you've got it, flaunt it.

I have one veneer. Not worth all the nightmares I have about it coming loose and falling off someplace completely inconvenient.

Indifferent re the ads. I typically ignore ads. So - you won't drive away my readership, but nor will I be a good source of revenue.

Apr 24, 2006

My co-workers will back me up but there is an actual person roaming the earth w/ the name Delicious Peters. Seriously - his name is Delicious Peters. As in, this is on the birth certificate and on the driver's license and tags bearing "hello, my name is..." I've also had accounts for Harry Bush, Rollin Hole and sadly, the estate of Harry Beaver.

Dear Lord, I hope that google doesn't pick these names up & send weirdos your way.

Holly - I still think there is potential to make your blog into a book!

Apr 25, 2006

is it just me or did the fonts suddenly get huge?

Apr 25, 2006

Can't resist the name game:

I know a girl named Ginger Busch. Sadly her German parents didn't have a clue.