It's Like I Think The Internet Is One Big Instruction Manual

Gentle readers, you know so many things. And I am stuck on the answers to several quandaries. Perhaps you can offer me some advice on the following matters, each of which has been plaguing me for the last couple of days. There is a beauty question, a technology question, and a food question, so all the bases are covered. Ah, we will solve the mysteries of the universe, you and I!

1) When applying self-tanner, is there a way to simultaneously avoid the tell-tale Orange Palm Syndrome, but also make sure the lotion stays on the backs of one's hands, so as to avoid the look known as A Tan That Is Cut Off At The Wrist So It Looks Kind Of Like You Are Wearing Little White Gloves? I am very fond of the Dove Energy Glow, you see. (My gift to you: beware! do not use the Dove Energy Glow for your face, or you will break out like a pepperoni pizza! Use the Jergens Natural Glow Face Moisturizer instead. I have done extensive research on this, and the colors match exactly, so you will not look disjointed. Also, you may be asking, "but if I'm using the Jergens Natural Glow for Face, then why can I not use the Jergens Natural Glow for Body on my arms and legs instead of the Dove Energy Glow?" And I have done extensive research on this as well. And the answer is that the Dove Energy Glow gives you a much better tan than the Jergens Natural Glow for Body. Yes, my life is that exciting.)

The thing is, I noticed the other day that my Dove Energy Glow tan stops at my wrists, which is quite disturbing. And I know why this is happening: because after applying my Dove Energy Glow, I wash my hands. I mean, AS YOU DO, right? Except in washing my hands, I also wash off the Dove Energy Glow that I have applied to the BACKS of my hands. So apparently I have two choices: I can wash my hands and cut my tan off at the wrist, or I can not wash my hands and yes, the backs of my hands will be tan, but then the palms will be orange. And I have TRIED washing only the palms of my hands, but do you know how difficult this is? It is very difficult. So right now I am wearing lots of bracelets instead, so as to blur the line a little between Tan Forearms and White Hands. But these bracelets, they are totally getting in the way of typing.

2) How can I get the pictures I take on my camera phone onto my computer? I have an LG phone and it is silver and, um, that is really all I know about it, apart from it is obviously incredibly hardy because I dropped it on the ski slope at Okemo once and people skiied over it for two days, and when I picked it up from the Lost & Found, IT STILL WORKED, despite having been buried in the snow for 48 hours. I promise if you can help me do this that I won't post the picture of my cat after he climbed into the refrigerator. I really won't. Even though it's incredibly cute. (Also probably incredibly unhygenic, but don't worry, I went a little crazy with the Clorox afterwards.) I will, however, post a picture of Sean where---if you squint a little---he looks just the tiniest bit like Patrick Dempsey from Grey's Anatomy. Also the one I took of Co-Worker Andrew after he let us test a bunch of free make-up samples on him.

3) Do you have a fantastic recipe for gazpacho? It has to be mind-blowing gazpacho. Like, the Best! Gazpacho! Ever! And it has to be easy. And it has to serve twelve. And it has to make people say, "My god, Holly, I would sell my pancreas for this gazpacho recipe. Can I interest you in a second pancreas?" (Not that I want a second pancreas, oh no, I would have to negotiate with them a little, and perhaps we could agree on a convertible BMW or a vacation in the Bahamas, or maybe just a large wheel of very good quality Brie.) Pretty Co-worker Elle and I are hosting a dinner party at her house on Saturday, you see, and I am in charge of the gazpacho and the molten chocolate babycakes. (Though I don't need any help on the molten chocolate babycakes, thank you; Nigella Lawson and I are already all over that.)

So! Orange palms, camera phones, and gazpacho. What do you know? Can you help? I will share the vacation in the Bahamas with you if you can. Or, if you'd prefer, I will just send you a piece of the Brie. Via FedEx, of course. Packed in dry ice, so it doesn't go bad.

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Apr 05, 2006

"Lastly, apply Body Moisturizer to hands, then apply a small amount of self-tan to tops of hands. Using both hands, rub tops of hands together to the tips of each finger. This tans the hands without tanning the palms". That's how you get a St. Tropez tan - their words, not mine. But really its silly because if someone gives you a trip to the Bahamas for your excellent gazpacho (someone could win a spelling bee with that!!) then you don't even NEED fake tan! I mean really, think it through.

Apr 05, 2006

ok so this is a tip from my sister who is the queen of self tanning - use a big paint brush, like the kind a kid would use for arts and crafts. lightly brush on the lotion and use a make up sponge to rub it in and remove the excess. she swears this works! myself, i turn orange when I try to self tan, so am just pasty white most of the time. sigh. and my MIL has a great gazpacho receipe - i will try to find it for you. camera phones, not so much...

Apr 05, 2006

Ever since my sister went for a "spray on tan" only to have white streaks on her face because she watched "starting over" an hour later and CRIED, I've been scared shitless of self tanners. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm sorry, I have no advice to give, other than to say ... DO NOT CRY IMMEDIATELY AFTER SELF TANNING.

Apr 05, 2006

No help here. I gave up on sunless tanning long ago, I am notoriously retarded about computer stuff (I blame that on having used a WANG word processing machine right after college, I'm so old), and my gazpacho recipe involves V-8 juice.

I have to mention though that for some reason your RSS suddenly isn't working, at least not for me. When I click on the link it says No Articles, and I'm never notified anymore when you update. Which means I have to stir my lazy Polish ass and actually CHECK YOUR WEBSITE FOR UPDATES, God forbid.

Apr 05, 2006

i do not know about camera phones or gazpacho, but as for the tanner, i think you should cajole Sean into applying it for you.

Apr 05, 2006

I'm not expert on the self-tanning, but here's what I did which was fairly effective. I put the tanner everywhere, including my hands. Then I very carefully washed the palms of my hands and dried them. Then I took a little sponge and kind of blended the tanner lotion around my wrist area and the backs of my hands to get a kind of natural looking fad effect, whereby my palms were left untanned. A word of caution: Be very careful about the knuckles. It is ESSENTIAL to rub in the tanner well so that you do not have any excess tanner stuck in the cracks of your skin. This goes for the wrist as well, which is why the sponge and the fade effect is key.

Irony Queen
Apr 05, 2006

As the whitest white girl ever, I have no self-tanner advice to offer. I've decided that BLINDINGLY WHITE will be my signature fashion statement.

As for the camera phone...*waving pasty white arm/hand in air* ooh ooh, I know! At least, this is how my LG phone (from Verizon) works, so maybe it will work on yours too.

1. Go to the picture gallery.
2. Select the picture you want on your computer.
3. Under "Options" there should be a "Send" option. Select it.
4. Now you should have a screen that looks like you're sending a text message, but you're really sending yourself an e-mail with the pic attached.
5. In the "address" field, enter your e-mail address.
6. Send.
7. Check your e-mail account obsessively waiting for the e-mail/text/picture to show up.

Notes -- Verizon charges me $0.25 for this handy little e-mail/text/picture thing, so you might want to start scrounging in the couch cushions for spare change. Also, I suspect there's a way to send more than one picture per e-mail/text, but I've never tried. Perhaps you're more adventurous (or more technology-savvy) than me.

Apr 05, 2006

not the best time of year for tomatoes, therefore your soup may be a little lackluster. if you can find vine-ripened at your local farmers' market there are a few recipes on that look about right. I like the looks of the one by the Food Network Kitchen. If the tomatoes around you still aren't great how about doing a soup of the traditional ingredients and just oven roasting (low, slow oven) some of the lackluster veggies to concentrate their flavor--like the toms, onions, and peppers--make the soup and then top with the raw version of the veggies--cherry tomatoes, green onions. good luck!!

Apr 05, 2006

Well, the only experience I've had with self-tanners was watching a middle school classmate teased relentlessly for her QT Tan, circa 1981, which was less a tan and more an unfortunate and quite possibly toxic overexposure to dihydroxyacetone, so you may not deem me reliable on this, but... how about baby wipes? I've got three kids and baby wipes clean EVERYTHING. Try rubbing one between your palms after you apply Energy Glow. No washing or rinsing required. (Plus, you'll smell fresh as a baby's bottom!) Seriously, if baby wipes can wipe jelly off a car seat, bird droppings off a stroller (THAT was a fun playground outing), and mac n' cheese off the countertops, not to mention what they're actually designed to wipe, surely they can be put to use preventing orange palms.
Beyond that, I can offer no help. But good luck with everything, and may you take beautiful phone-photos of your gazpacho with non-orange hands.

Apr 05, 2006

Hee, I think it's becoming apparent that your readership is much more into beauty tips than techie info! However! I am so very glad you asked both of those first two questions, because I have been wondering the same thing myself!

Now at last I shall have a lovely tan on the backs of my hands as well as that hilarious video I shot while obnoxiously inebriated of that adorable gay boy singing "Man I Feel Like A Woman" at a karaoke bar! Hooray!

Apr 05, 2006

I started a few entries ago with "Sweet Cracker Sandwich" and I'm hooked. Love your sense of humor!

Apr 05, 2006

fake tan: no idea. i'm romanian. that is why i like to think that when i go to the lake wearing a bikini, and run around all day in that bikini, that i won't get a sunburn.

LG phone: try this - SHOZU. I really don't know much about it, other than it said something about "cameraphone" and "upload pictures" in the same sentence.

Gazpacho. I have A THOUSAND recipes at home. I must research this.

Apr 05, 2006

1. have someone else apply the tanner.
2. email the pics.
3. no idea.

Apr 05, 2006

Irony Queen is right about the pictures on your phone: just type in your e-mail address and 'send'.

As for the sunless tanning lotion: I've tried it all (including the baby wipes which left some streaks; the sponge trick I think is too much trouble).
Here's what I do now: I rub my self from head to toe, don't worry about my hands at all. When done I quickly wash my hands thouroughly and with soap (between the fingers and under/ around your nails too). Dry my hands. Mind you, at this point I'm still naked in the bathroom waiting for the lotion to dry a little before I can get dressed. Within those few minutes (when you're body is still sticky with the lotion but your hands are now clean) you rub the BACK of your white gloved hands over the lotion on your body again. It's just like rubbing the tanner in one more time, but now with the other side of your hands. Works for me!

Gazpacho? Have you tried yet? You can see how other people liked the different recipes and what they tweaked about it.

If your hands turn orange after all, you can blame it on the gazpacho (say you pureed all the tomatoes by hand, like Martha would do!)

Apr 05, 2006

Aww man! I was really hoping to be able to apply my "wealth of knowledge" to this one. But, I'm hispanic, so only need 30 min in the sun to be nice & tan. I have pics on my phone from 2 years ago b/c I don't know how to get them off (But, one time I sent a pic to a friend who couldn't get pics on his phone, instead it sent him a link, and when he typed that into his computer, my picture was there). And, I don't even know what gazpacho is!

Apr 05, 2006

Oh Holly ... My brother is getting married in like 10 days (a hippie wedding in an apple orchard) and I bought the Dove Energy Glow so I'd be all bronzed at the wedding. But now I'm rockin' the white hands, too. Thanks for asking the question I was too bashful to ask.

I have an LG phone and e-mailing the photos to yourself is totally easy.

Gazpacho? Not my strong suit. If you ever need baking advice, though, I'm your girl.

Apr 05, 2006

I'm thinking something with duct tape for the self-tanner problem...

Apr 05, 2006

1. self tanner: use diaper wipes to clean it off your palms instead of washing under water.

2. camera phone: take it to your wireless store and ask them for a USB cable.

3. gazpacho:
4 C tomato juice
1/2 medium onion, peeled and coarsely chopped
1 small green pepper, peeled, cored, seeded, and coarsely chopped
1 small cucumber, peeled, pared, seeded, and coarsely chopped
1/2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
1 clove garlic, minced
1 drop hot pepper sauce
1/8 tsp cayenne pepper
1/4 tsp black pepper
2 Tbsp olive oil
1 large tomato, finely diced
2 Tbsp minced chives or scallion tops
1 lemon, cut in 6 wedges
Put 2 cups of tomato juice and all other ingredients except diced tomato, chives, and lemon wedges in the blender. Puree. Slowly add the remaining 2 cups of tomato juice to pureed mixture. Add chopped tomato. Chill. Serve icy cold in individual bowls garnished with chopped chives and lemon wedges. Yield: 6 servings--Serving Size: 1 cup

Apr 06, 2006

I have never used a self tanner that worked. I'm sure they have Mystic tan near you, it's dark, but there's one called Sunless something...that works on pale folks like moi. You rub lotion on your hands and feet, then wear a hairnet (no joke), and stand there and get sprayed for 30 seconds each side. It works beautifully. As for the other stuff, I'm just terribly jealous of you and Jemima for being great cooks. The only thing I've made successfully in the kitchen is a mess. :(

Apr 06, 2006

gretchen: glad I'm not the only one. I was worried Holly cut me off for being a cyber-stalker.

But seriously, what's up with your feed?

1) put the gunk on your hands, then use wipes on the palms. Thanks btw for the tips re which tanners work best. I like that I don't have to do any research. Being the lazy beeyatch (I don't know how to spell that but I'm having fun trying) that I am. (oops - just read through the comments more closely and realized that Sheila already suggested this. apparently she and i are living parallel lives.)

2) don't own a mobile phone. seriously. I live in the middle of nowhere and I regularly drive two children around in the arctic Canadian winter and I don't own a mobile. Helpful, aren't I? Probably don't come to me for parenting tips either.

3) I'm dying to find that perfect recipe as well. AND I'm looking for a fabulous Chinese green bean recipe. The one where the beans come out all crisp and delicious (obviously). So maybe you could inquire as to that on your next post? Maybe it's a service you could perform. Seeing as I am not just a lazy bijotch, I'm also a lazy bea-och who can't look things up for herself.

Apr 06, 2006

I've never actually done the fake tan thing, but would it work to wear actual white gloves while applying the tan stuff everywhere else, then take the gloves off and apply the tanner by just rubbing the backs of your hands together and not actually using your palms at all? Just an idea....

Apr 06, 2006

babywipes worked for me as well.... put them out on the counter just before you "tan" and then rub your palms on them... they dry quickly and have a beautiful er.. babybutt flowery smell after.

Apr 06, 2006

Good lord, how am I missing entries? I am subscribed to you!


Anyhow. Self tanner. Apply, wash hands, then rub the back of your hand on your alternate arm or leg in a gentle manner to absorb some of that cream. Ideally, do it on your elbows or knees, since you want less there anyhow, since the skin tends to be naturally darker and more absorbent of colour.

Camera? You have to use your camera browser and email them.

Gazpacho? My mom is a caterer. I'll ask...

Apr 06, 2006

1 hardboiled egg, mashed
2 cups chopped fresh plum tomatoes
1/2 cup chopped green or yellow pepper
1 cup chopped cucumber, seeds removed
1/2 cup finely chopped red onion
1/3 cup olive oil
Juice of 1/2 lemon
2 cups beef broth (optional)
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
1/4 cup finely minced parsley
1 teaspoon dried oregano
2 tablespoons Worcestershire
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 zucchini chopped
pinch of salt
1 46-ounce can Spicy V-8 juice
1/2 cup plain bread crumbs
Tabasco, to taste

Chop til you drop. Mix egg, garlic, worce., and salt together. Disolve bread crumbs into V-8. Mix everything together. Puree depending on your consistancy preferences. Chill for at least 4 hrs.

Apr 06, 2006

Sheryl, I'm a big fan of papernapkin, but hardboiled eggs and beef broth have no place in gazpacho. And bread crumbs? What the hell?

Here is the ultimate recipe. Fruity and spicy

Avocado-Papaya Gazpacho (good to double)

1 cup canned tomato juice
1 cup canned unsweetened pineapple juice
1 ripe papaya, peeled, seeded, and diced (about 2 cups)
1 ripe but firm avocado, peeled, pitted, and diced
1 large vine-ripened tomato, peeled, seeded, and chopped (but I'm too lazy to peel and seed)
1 green bell pepper, seeded and cut in small dice
½ red onion, cut in small dice
juice of 2 limes
6-10 dashes Tabasco or equivalent
¼ cup finely chopped fresh cilantro
salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste

In a large bowl, gently mix all ingredients. Cover and refrigerate for at least 2 hours. Serve cold.

Apr 06, 2006

Well. The only one here I had a shot at answering is the phone question, which has already been well taken care of.

If it helps any, though -- on my phone, immediately after I take a picture, a menu pops up; one of the options is "Email," and another option is "upload." Email we know about. Upload sends it to my online account where I can log in and grab it from my computer.

This may just be a Sprint thing, though.

And boy, have I learned more about tanning products and baby wipes in five minutes than I ever thought possible.

Apr 06, 2006

erves 6

A fruity Spanish olive oil, preferably from Andalusia, is important, as is a good sherry vinegar, preferably aged. Both can be found at specialty groceries or mail-ordered (see Resources). If you can spare the time, garnish the gazpacho with tiny bread croutons fried in olive oil.

* Four 1-inch-thick slices day-old coarse country bread from a round loaf, crusts removed, torn into small pieces
* 3 pounds ripest, most flavorful tomatoes possible, washed and quartered (do not use Beefsteak tomatoes)
* 4 tablespoons good-quality sherry vinegar, preferably aged
* 3 medium garlic cloves
* Small pinch of cumin seeds or ground cumin
* Coarse sea salt
* 2 firm medium-sized Kirby (pickling) cucumbers, peeled
* 1 medium green bell pepper, cored and seeded
* 1 medium red bell pepper, cored and seeded
* One quarter of a medium red onion, peeled
* 1/2 cup fragrant, fruity extra-virgin Spanish olive oil, preferably from Andalusia
* 1/2 cup bottled spring water, or more to taste

* 2 to 3 tablespoons each finely diced cucumbers, peeled green apples, slightly
underripe tomatoes, and green bell peppers
* Slivered young basil leaves

1. Place the bread in a large bowl, and squeeze out the seeds and some of the juice from the tomatoes over it. Crumble and massage the bread with your fingers. Add 1 tablespoon of the vinegar and let it soak for 5 to 10 minutes.

2. Using a mortar and pestle, pound the garlic to a paste with the cumin and 1/2 teaspoon of salt.

3. Transfer the bread mixture to a food processor along with the garlic paste, and process until completely smooth. Leave this mixture in the food processor while preparing the next step.

4. Chop the tomatoes, cucumbers, red and green peppers, and onion into medium dice. Place the vegetables in a bowl, stir in three large pinches of salt, and let stand for 15 minutes so that the tomatoes throw off some liquid.

5. Working in three batches, process the vegetable mixture in a food processor until as smooth as possible, adding a third of the olive oil to each batch. (The first batch will be processed with the bread mixture.) Transfer each finished batch to a sieve set over a large bowl.

6. Pass the gazpacho through a sieve, pressing on it with the back of a wooden spoon. Whisk in the remaining 3 tablespoons vinegar and the water. Adjust salt to taste. Chill the gazpacho for at least 3 hours before serving. (If making the gazpacho a day ahead, add the garlic 2 to 3 hours before serving, lest it overwhelm the other flavors.) Serve in glass bowls or wine glasses, with the suggested garnishes.

Apr 06, 2006


Apr 07, 2006

Sweet, I actually have an answer! To the beauty question, that is, because I got nothin' for the camera phone or the gazpacho. Anyway, I have discovered through much use of Jergens Natural Glow that the best way to avoid the mime look is to wash and dry your hands after applying lotion to your body and then to squeeze a tiny dot onto the back of one of them. Then -- and this takes a bit of coordination, and may be quite amusing -- using the back of your other hand, press your hands together and move in circles until the lotion is all rubbed in. Just remember to include your wrists in this bizarre backward lathering motion, and you are on your way to perfectly tanned hands.

mom on a wire
Apr 07, 2006

What's gazpacho?

Apr 07, 2006

1. I'd suggest the makeup spongy thingie (the "MST"). So apply the tanning lotion, vigorously wash hands, and then squirt a little of the lotion on the MST and safely dab the color on to your milky white hand-tops. Let dry and voila!

2. ? I know not of this camera phone technology; but then, I am something of a luddite.

3. I'm a Food & Wine/Cook's Illustrated gal and this one looks delicious:

Good luck!

Apr 07, 2006

Here is our family recipe - hope you enjoy!


6 to 8 large tomatoes on the vine
1 small sweet yellow or red onion, chopped
1 red bell pepper, seeded and chopped
4 garlic cloves
2 T chopped fresh parsley
3 Tbs. red wine vinegar, or to taste
2T dry sherry
1 English cucumber, halved, peeled and diced
1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil, plus 2 Tbs. for frying croutons
Salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste
3 or 4 slices French or Italian bread, each 1 inch thick, crusts removed and cut into 1-inch cubes
1 small green bell pepper, seeded and finely diced
1/4 cup finely minced red onion

Combine bread and 1/2 cup water in medium bowl. Let stand until most of water is absorbed, about 10 minutes.
Combine 1/4 cup chopped tomatoes, 1/4 cup chopped cucumber, chopped red bell pepper, minced red onion and chopped parsley in small bowl; stir to blend. Set aside for garnish; covered and refrigerated.
Combine remaining tomatoes, remaining cucumber, chopped onion, bell pepper, 3 garlic cloves, vinegar (1 T at a time), sherry and olive oil in food processor or blender and pulse until coarsely chopped. Remove half of this mixture to a large bowl and puree the remaining mixture, Mix both together in the large bowl, cover and refrigerate until very cold, about 2 hours. (Best if prepared 6-8 hours ahead so that flavors can mingle. Keep refrigerated.)
Just before serving the soup, in a large fry pan over medium heat, warm the 2 Tbs. olive oil. Crush the remaining garlic clove, add to the pan and cook to release its fragrance, 1 to 2 minutes. Add the bread cubes and stir and toss until golden brown, about 5 minutes. Transfer to paper towels to drain.

Taste the soup and season with salt and pepper. Ladle into chilled bowls and garnish each serving with the diced bell pepper and the minced red onion. Float the croutons on top and serve. Serves 6 to 8

Apr 07, 2006

Okay, I can help with the self tanning thing. Laugh if you want. But BABY WIPES. You can totally wipe off the palms of your hands without immersing them in water and all the while leaving the tops of your hands self tanned. Works every time.

Apr 09, 2006

I'm half French (or half German. I have no clue) so I have somewhat of an olive toned skin and don't worry about self-tanning. But I also was lucky to inheirit (damn it, I can't think of how to spell that) my father's extremely hairy arms and knuckles so I don't think many people notice my lovely olive skin tone because they are too busy trying to figure out whether or not I am half Sasquatch.

I think you should post the picture of your cat in the fridge. Cats are adorable.

Anything that involves as many tomatoes as gazpacho is disgusting and I will refuse to eat it. If you do ask about the Chinese bean recipe (yum), can you also ask about Olive Garden's zuppa toscana? I love that soup. Someone has to know the recipe.

Apr 11, 2006

HOLY CRAPOLA - I'm gonna try every single one of those recipes and see which one rocks the most!