My Name Is Earl. I Mean, Holly.

Is there anything I could have done today that would have made me feel more like a redneck than having a fight with someone in a Wal-Mart parking lot? Maybe if I'd been swigging from a 40, or wearing a Nascar t-shirt with Little Debbie snack cake stains on it, or maybe if Sean had been my cousin and his name had been Bubba and I'd been kissing him, but otherwise I'm guessing yelling at someone in a Wal-Mart parking lot is probably pretty high on the list of Redneck Activities, wouldn't you think?

Let me preface this by saying that I do not normally like to shop in The Wal-Mart. In fact I sort of abhor The Wal-Mart. It kind of depresses the hell out of me, and when they tell me to have a nice day at the cash register, I'm convinced they're being sarcastic. I have no bones with The Target (ahhhh, the Target! I love the Target!) and once I went to The K-Mart in Santa Barbara---but I think it was kind of an upscale K-Mart, and also I only went because I was trying to find some sort of automotive product that would get rid of the scratch I had somehow mysteriously put in my rental car, and also I was lost---but The Wal-Mart? No thanks. Please keep your long lines and your bad labor practices, and your sad-seeming greeters, Wal-Mart. And also your strange smell and your horrendous bathrooms.

So I had just popped into The Wal-Mart because Sean and I were in desperate need of a coffee maker---ours having broken that morning, which, you know, THANKS COFFEE MAKER, BAD TIMING---and The Target was a little too far for me to venture to on my lunchbreak. Plus, I didn't feel like parting with $200 because I suddenly saw, like, eighteen things I really, desperately needed. And I knew I wouldn't have that problem in The Wal-Mart, because do THEY have a cheap Isaac Mizrahi collection and a rather twee but delicious line of chocolate bars called Choxie? NO, THEY DO NOT. But it turned out The Wal-Mart did not actually have a particularly good selection of coffee makers, and so I left only with some gum and a new file folder. Although, to my credit, no chewing tobacco.

But as I was leaving The Wal-Mart, the man in front of me pushed open the glass door and THEN LET IT FALL STRAIGHT BACK INTO MY FACE. I want to know: who does this? Who doesn't hold doors behind them for strangers? I do! Don't you? I called out "thank you!" to him---partly to kill him with kindess, but also to be just a little bit obnoxious---but then he did it AGAIN with the next door. So I called out "thank you again!" and this time, he turned around and yelled obscenities at me. Across the parking lot. So I yelled back, "it's just nice to hold doors for people!' which, you know, HOW WITTY of me, HOW CUTTING. I certainly put HIM in his place, that's for sure!

But you know how I said that there was probably nothing more redneck I could have done than having a fight with a man in a Wal-Mart parking lot? Well, I think there might be. Because yesterday, Sean and I picked up a sofa from the side of the road. But it was a very nice sofa, a big, wicker, outdoorsy-type sofa with green and white striped cushions, and there was nothing wrong with it other than the fact that its owners had obviously received the Pottery Barn Spring 2006 catalogue in the mail that day, and realized that this one was waaaaay too Summer 2005, and all the neighbors would probably point and laugh and say, "But James! Green and white stripes! They're so passé!"

Besides, it's not like we took the matching ottoman and the two armchairs.

Oh, alright then, we did. But they look fabulous in our garden. A little scratched on the arms, but still free! And if you've got something to say about my second-hand sofas from the Curbside Store, I'll fight you. Meet you in the Wal-Mart parking lot. You name the time.

Apr 05, 2006

"Sweet Cracker Sandwich", that is one sweet curbside find! Really nice. And please don't hurt me, I promise to hold the door for you...or at least help you lug stuff home from random curbside shopping expeditions! :)

Apr 05, 2006

Those are a great find! And they do look fabulous in your yard. Funny that you should say you liked the Santa Barbara* K-Mart - I've always found it a bit depressing....and then I found these amazing candles for $24 for three (HUGE! Over a foot tall and thick and yummy looking and smelling!) ... and after that I shut up about How Bad the SB/Goleta K-Mart sucks. Also they have some cute shirts.

That guy was insufferably rude, and I would totally have done the "Thank YOU!" thing as well. But I'd have thrown my 40 at him to boot. PS. Next time you're in town, drop me a note, I'd be happy to give you a List of Things to Do that do not involve K-Mart or any other store with "Mart" in the title.

*Santa Barbara K-Mart Fun Fact: Is not actually located in Santa Barbara, actually lives in Goleta (just north of SB - the difference is only noticeable if you're from here, don't feel bad) as does our other big resort/spa, the Bacara, and a bunch of the Good Stores for Home Stuff.

Apr 05, 2006

Did you think of something really cutting and witty to say about 20 minutes after you left the parking lot? That's what'd I do.

Also, am so jealous of your green & white striped outdoor lounge set. (how frou frou did that just make it sound??) it's bee-u-ti-ful!

Apr 05, 2006

People don't even do that in Manhattan, let alone down South with all that highly touted Southern hospitality...

We have a Wal-Mart SuperCenter a few miles away, and they are building a SuperTarget next to it. I can hardly wait for SuperTarget to kick Wal-Mart SuperCenter's ass.

And I would have picked up that furniture too.

Apr 05, 2006

can of spray paint and that lovely road side find will be perfect. :)

Apr 05, 2006

Oh, wow. I thought putting sofas out on the curb (and then watching people take them) was only something done in Texas.

Nothing But Bonfires
Apr 05, 2006

God, I HOPE nobody was watching us. We had to make two trips, and we were probably sweating and grunting from the heavy lifting. Plus my sweatpants kept falling down and I kept hiking them up, and I'm sure that made me look REAL classy.

Apr 05, 2006

If they were watching you they were probably thinking to themselves, "Damn they got to the furniture first!"

Apr 05, 2006

What? I thought they were all gentlemen in the South! Oh my dreams of marrying a corn-fed southern boy have diminished. Plus NOTHING is worse than the K-Mart we once went to where I don't think any member of our family bought any thing that they didn't return within minutes of putting it into the trunk of the car. And Wal-Mart can be cool, I got my shower curtain from there, and hilarious t-shirts that say things like "Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by you again?"

Thespian LLibby
Apr 05, 2006

I love living in this big pink house. It's like Christmas every day.

Apr 05, 2006

I agree with you Target is love, and well, Wal-mart, isn't. At.all.

Apr 05, 2006

1. K-mart sucks.

2. We pronounce Target "Tar-jhay". It sounds so much more classy.

3. My friend Ruby and I were stuck out in the desert (the Mojave desert) in a small town where her then fiance was stationed. He flew back East for his bachelor party, so I drove up for a girls' weekend. It was 120 degrees in the shade and no one out there had air conditioning. We went out drinking Friday night wearing her fiance's shorts and t-shirts. When I went to put on underwear, she said "Are you layering? Are you crazy?" Needless to say, the next morning was painful. I ended up lying on her tile kitchen floor to cool off (only because she wouldn't let me run through the neighbors' sprinklers). After "brunch" (and I say this very sarcastically-I wish I'd brought my own cutlery-hell, I wish I'd brought my own eggs), we went to Wal-Mart. As we walked in the air-conditioned doors, we were met my a huge display of sno-cone makers which had the locals enthralled. Unfortunately for Ruby, I found out shortly thereafter that you could REGISTER (yes, as in for wedding presents) at Wal-Mart. We wandered that store for hours. And, we found the wedding section. Several pee-in-your-pants-funny moments later, we left with a tennis ball the size of a melon, 12 plastic lemons, neon blue nail polish, 3 red bandanas, a pair of frog shaped swimming goggles and two t-shirts (one that said "Rock Princess" and one said "Born to Ride". So I guess Wal-mart has its moments.

Apr 05, 2006

Um, I hate to burst the happy wicker bubble you have here, ... but green and white stripes, well, um, they're not 2005. They're 2004. That's, like, when Britney was 12.

Kidding. Great find. Great to have a big enough ride to haul it all home in.

And regarding the witty-ish comment at Wal-Mart, well, chalk it up to your having taken the higher road. You *could* have thought of something cutting to say, but then you'd be at the door-slammer's level. Well done.

Apr 05, 2006

I have a problem running into stray kids at Walmart. Or, perhaps more clearly stated, they seem to be everywhere, little kids sans parents running (amok and) into my shins. Mostly I just avoid the big dubyah like the plague.

The garden furniture, it is cute!

Apr 05, 2006

I used to work at Target when I was in college (great job--first dibs on all the fun clearance stuff--the reason I have an entire set of discontinued cobalt blue Calphalon pots and pans) and when a display looked tacky we would haughtily and contemptuously say, "That looks SO Wal-Mart." And once? When some kids were taking action figures off the hooks and then throwing them on the floor? My friend Gary told the kids, "Pick those up. This isn't Wal-Mart."

Apr 05, 2006

Man, my boyfriend is the WORST with that! He drops doors in my face all the time, so I shudder to think of all the strangers he's done it to. It's so bad that I've gotten sympathetic looks from bystanders, as he strides on ahead, oblivious. Once, I stopped and stood outside the door in protest, arms crossed, but he NEVER NOTICED. Sigh. He's actually a really great guy, and in his defense, I think he's just in his own little world a lot of the time.

Apr 05, 2006

while i don't know if yelling at people in the walmart parking lot is redneck (okay, i do, and it is) i have to say that taking curbside furniture so isn't! it's just good sense.
literally, that's how i have most of my furniture (except for my bed, which came from the safely-antiseptic ikea, because second-hand beds are nasty). you should feel proud of your find - good curbside karma leads to more, usually.

Apr 05, 2006

Oooh, but at Target they have the most adorable little green thong shoes! With a heel! I couldn't resist. I hid them in the back of the car but Dave found them anyways, along with one of those cute picnic blankets that fold into a little pouch. I am banned from Target until next pay period. Damn.

Apr 05, 2006

man, i went into target last night to buy garbage bags and paper towels and spent $67. how the hell did that happen?

Apr 05, 2006

I once had a screaming match with a woman in the Baltimore County Department of Motor Vehicles. But I think fighting is kind of unavoidable at DMVs. Especially after having spent 6 HOURS in said DMV, communing with the dregs of society.

Great job with the ditch aquisition, though. Very nice.

Apr 05, 2006

I swear to The God, EVERYTIME I go to Walmart, there is a fight and it ALWAYS involves and Old Person. ALWAYS.


I've also been known to Throw Down at Walmart. Which is funny considering I go there like, once a year? Let me just say this... Their costumer support "team" can SUCK MINE..

Apr 05, 2006

You may console yourself with the fact that even if you had managed to think of a devastatingly witty response, it is unlikely that your wit would have been understood/appreciated by the yeller of obscenities.

Heather B
Apr 05, 2006

I once yelled a walmart worker in the middle of the store, but then I got a free dvd and AA batteries for my troubles, so it was well worth it.

Apr 05, 2006

The Burns family also calls it Tar-jhay, whats with that?

Apr 05, 2006

The best thing about Walmart would have to be the hideous shoes. Where else can you try on fugly plastic glitter sandals while giggling about how awful they are and then end up in line behind someone buying them - setting off more fits of hysterical giggling. My goal is to just once get a Walmart cashier to smile, instead of looking like they want to plunge their scanner into my eyeballs.

Apr 05, 2006

You are so lucky! How come when WE see furniture by the side of the road it's in such bad shape that even homeless people won't sleep on it? Jealous, that's me.

About the Wal-Mart thing: I totally agree with you that no one should ever go there, that K-Mart is almost as bad (their message to their shoppers: "We're bankrupt, and you're an illegal alien!"), and that Target ROCKS. However, you do not win the redneck parking lot prize. That prize is taken by a former supervisor of mine, an ATTORNEY, mind you, who GOT INTO A FIGHT IN THE PARKING LOT AFTER A HOCKEY GAME. I mean, a fight where someone hit someone with a beer bottle, and to make matters worse, this was a FEMALE attorney. I almost plotzed when she told me the story. You can't beat THAT for redneck!

Apr 05, 2006

It's a good thing you grabbed that furniture when you did, cuz I was right behind you and would've gotten it myself! Really, that's awesome, there "ain't no shame" in SecondHand, and that furniture looks Great!
I also hate walmart, but my small town doesn't exactly have variety when it comes to day-to-day shopping. Unfortunately, I've never had the fun experience of arguing with someone in the parking lot...could be dangerous in my neck of the woods...but I do have fun honking at people who run out the door right into the road (in front of me)! :)

Apr 05, 2006

I think I'm in love with your garden set.

Apr 09, 2006

My friend Beth thinks that Target has a device that sucks your brain out when you walk in the door. It is the only way she can figure out how she can go in to buy toothpaste and walk out an hour later with five bags full of stuff that cost her over $100.

The man I am completely and totally crazy about says that shopping at Wal-Mart kills children and Beth made a comment to a cashier about how she had killed 12 kids by buying 12 items. When she walked out to the car, the person with her asked "Did you notice she was pregnant?" Oops.