Obviously, I'm Going To Have To Start Saying "Sweet Cracker Sandwich!" More Often

As you may or may not remember, my friend Jemima is getting married in June. She is the first of my friends to walk down the aisle, and she is also providing me with my Inaugural Bridesmaid's Experience (henceforth referred to as IBE, not to be confused with IBS.) Luckily, the dresses she has chosen for the bridal party are floor-length, simple, a beautiful champagne color, and made from shantung silk. This therefore means that Jemima and I will not be terminating our friendship anytime soon, not least because she is just HANDING to me, on a plate, a bonafide reason to buy a new pair of gold strappy shoes. Well played, Jemima. If it doesn't work out with your fiance, I will marry you.

While Jemima is, for all intents and purposes*, normally a very calm and collected kind of girl, yesterday I received the following e-mail (subject line: Panic Moment), which made me laugh so much that I begged her to let me share it with the Internet. And she said yes. Because otherwise she knows I am totally going to break the No Strippers At The Bachelorette Party rule and find a toothless 70-year-old redneck with a mullet to dress up in a fireman's uniform and gyrate to "Get It On." Thus:

"My sister just sent me the final guest list to approve because she is starting the invitation calligraphy TONIGHT! Sweet Cracker Sandwich! I’m getting married! All of a sudden, it’s like I’m going to be married to someone for the rest of my life and I can’t just suddenly go on a yacht trip around Italy with my crazy friend in London and slinky dance with strange men in glitzy cliffside bars anymore. And I can’t up and move to Singapore because they sell cheap days of the week underpants and Sex and the City bootlegs just because I happen to feel like it. And I should feel guilty for checking out hot men in my rearview mirror! I am no longer allowed to hope, hope, hope that Joaquin Phoenix comes to Charleston and I see him when I’m wearing my skinny jeans, because even if he does and the skinny jeans fit, I still can’t DO anything about it. And I can’t wallow in my den of squalor for two entire weeks eating fudgesicles for dinner in front of crap TV because SOMEONE ELSE WILL BE THERE! FOREVER!"

* We just had a huge disagreement about this phrase in the office. I insisted that it was "for all intents and purposes," while Co-worker Andrew claimed that no, it was "for all intensive purposes." Nice Canadian Damian, however, admitted that he's always said "for all intense purposes." I think you will agree that I am OBVIOUSLY RIGHT. Right?

Mar 31, 2006

You are right. I thought it was for all intensive purposes until sometime in high school when a teacher wrote it out. I am relieved to find that there will be one less available woman in skinny jeans to interfere with my master plan concerning Joaquin Phoenix. Now he and I are practically a done deal. Sweet cracker sandwich!

Mar 31, 2006

You are right and why haven't those boys figured out that you will ALWAYS be right even if you're not? Sweet cracker sanwich indeed.

Mar 31, 2006

er- sandwich.

Mar 31, 2006

I'm Canadian and I'd always thought it was "intensive purposes" but a while ago when I stopped speaking so fast I learned that you are indeed right. I've never heard "Canadian Damien" before but I like it! I'm exposing my geekiness here, but where do you stand on the common misuse, proper meaning and usage of "begs the question?"

Mar 31, 2006

Ha, before I even read the postscript, I was thinking to myself - bravo to her for knowing the correct phrase. My uncle, aka the grammar nazi, drilled this one into my head!

Why do I suddenly have a intense desire to go to Singapore? Oh right, b/c I'm single! Great post.

Mar 31, 2006

You are definitely right and it drives me up the wall when people say it the wrong way. Because I'm critical like that.

Yay for Jemima for picking a beautiful bridesmaid dress! As a veteran bridesmaid (who owns hideous, died-to-match, red heels instead of cute, gold strappy shoes), I can say that you are lucky to have a friend with fabulous taste.

Mar 31, 2006

"Intensive purposes" is what keeps a wordnerd up at night!

Aunt Tasty (Stacey)
Mar 31, 2006

Amen to WordNerd. That *is* what keeps a word nerd up at night. Intents.and.purposes.dammit!

Mar 31, 2006

Man I am your newest fan, and I have to say...you make Charleston sound great enough to come visit. I will parrot what everyone else is saying and agree it is "for all intents and purposes" which literally would mean for all intents and for all purposes... DUH DUMB BOYS!

Mar 31, 2006

I think the statue of limitations dictates that this guy's right to use "all intensive purposes" has run out.

Mar 31, 2006

i believe it is "intents and purposes." the other one that i find terribly irritating is "all of the sudden." people! come on! please confirm that it is "all of A sudden." right?

anyway, so exciting about the gold strappy shoes... is it bad luck, or bad form, to see the bridesmaid in her gown before the wedding? if not, please post photos. jemima is lucky to have a supportive friend who will totally take her to singapore to buy days of the week panties (yes, i used the word panties) if this whole marriage thing doesn't work out, though i hold out hope that the fun doesn't end after saying "i do."

Mar 31, 2006

StatuTe, Dutch! Please tell me that was just a typo! *hyperventilating and passing out from the language massacre unfolding before my very eyes*

Jemima is cute. If you want to be a real smartass, mail her back and cheerfully remind her that there's still a 50% chance she'll be returning to the Den of Squalor With Fudgesicles State at some point. Bwahahahahaha!

Mar 31, 2006

Good lord. That was too many corrective comments in one stream. For all "intensive purposes" and for "all intense purposes"? Those phrases don't even make sense. I'm confused by the fact that people SAY things without knowing what they mean and even use them CORRECTLY in a sentence but still don't have a clue what they've actually said. It completely bewilders me. Sweet cracker sandwich, INDEED.

Also: I wore black as a maid of honour at a wedding! Floor length, etc. Except that there were two pieces to the gown, and she went to zip my skirt and turned to say something to someone on the DAY OF THE WEDDING and broke the zipper. My mother had to come and sew me into my skirt which made so many things a nightmare after that. My friend Jonathan had to stitch-rip me out of it at the end of the night while swearing that he was not staring at my lacy black underwear (which he was, he admitted later.)

Mar 31, 2006

You are so right. After I turned in my paper explicating William Carlos Williams's poem "Arrival" in 11th grade, feeling quite smug and presumptive-heir-to-the-editorship-of-the-literary-magazine-satisfied, it was returned to me with a big red pen scratch through my "for all intensive purposes" opener and a comment reading, "Nancy, it's "for all intents and purposes" - proofread more closely next time."

The horror. In other news, Jemina is adorable. Please tell her marriage has not stopped me from asking my husband to quit with the talking so I can watch Logan Eckles (Veronica Mars) take off his shirt.

Mar 31, 2006

It's TOTALLY "for all intents and purposes." I don't even understand what "intensive purposes" would really even mean in that context. The poor, poor English language. It gets so mutilated.

Mar 31, 2006

you're right. it's "intents and purposes" not any of the others.
do you get a prize?

Mar 31, 2006

You are correct. Jemima is hilarious. Tell her that she can still do most of that stuff, but when the kids come around, it's ALL over.

Mar 31, 2006

Yes, IRREGARDLESS of how you say it, it really IS 'intents and purposes.'

I got a million of 'em...

Mar 31, 2006

Her email about sums up marriage. Except I would never be caught in skinny jeans. My thighs just can't take it.

And, yes, it is "for all intents and purposes."

Nothing But Bonfires
Mar 31, 2006

Sweet cracker sandwich, everyone, I KNOW it's "for all intents and purposes"! I was the one arguing its usage so insistently in the first place!

Tell you what, I'll send you the email addresses for Co-worker Andrew and Nice Canadian Damian and we can email them and tell them they're wrong. We'll barrage them with the correct prononciation!

Man. Don't make me go to the LIBERRY on St. ValentTIME's Day for NUCULAR training.

Mar 31, 2006

SUPPOSABLY, weddings are great places to meet a mate or get proposed to. Therefore, there might be some INTENSIVE PURPOSES for having a lot of champagne around.

Nothing But Bonfires
Mar 31, 2006

Ah, "supposably!" Good one! Bravo to whoever said "irregardless" as well. I obviously have a bunch of clueless co-workers; one of them said it the other day. Worringly, they're all editors.

Mar 31, 2006

sorry co-worker Andrew... the internet (and Holly) has spoken. it is "intents and purposes".

it's so IMPORDANT to use it correctly. :)

Daydreams and Musings
Mar 31, 2006

This post totally made me laugh and cry at the same time and now I'm all discombobulated and my mascara is running. You and your friends are so damn funny. Pretty please can I say "Sweet cracker sandwich!" if I promise to credit you and Jemima?

Thespian LLibby
Mar 31, 2006

I thought it was "ballentime's" day....

One of my dad's favorite phrases was "salad biscuit", which is still a fabulous expletive. Some days I just love being Southern....and having sweet crackers for lunch.

Mar 31, 2006

It is one of my pet peeves when people say "for all intensive purposes." You are *completely* correct. It is "for all intents AND purposes." I think the fact that you actually HAD a debate about that makes *me* want to marry you, and I am straighter than anything.

I will, however, be using "sweet cracker sandwich!" like, all the time now.

Apr 01, 2006

Jemima, while I have not yet, in my married days (and we have been married since 1994) ever zipped off on a yacht trip to Italy with a fun girlfriend or suddenly been taken with the urge to move to Singapore for the underwear, I've done pretty much everything else on your list. Yes, since the wedding! But more importantly, now I have someone to stop at the liquor store for me and take out the trash and watch The Matrix with me for the two hundredth time just because it's on. And to tell me that the skinny jeans still really DO make me look skinny. Marriage is a good thing. You will love it.

And Holly, you are TOTALLY right. Well done.

Apr 01, 2006

I couldn't post all day because of work, but now I've gone and posted one of your emails to me. Turnabout's fair play, Missy! Wait. Is "turnabout" a word? God, I'm all paranoid after your most recent post. Who in the hell says, "For all intensive purposes?" Shirley he was joking.

Apr 01, 2006

Oh yes now Joaquin Phoenix and his firefighting suit are all mine!! And who knows, maybe they'll shoot an Indie movie about days-of-the-week-underwear and Sex and the City bootlegs, and he will come join it to play the man who sells these items and raises money for a charity to support his ill mother. And while filming he shall fall in love with me, though I don't yet own a pair of skinny jeans!

Apr 01, 2006

I am the original Grammar Bitch, and you are absolutely correct, Holly; it's "for all intents and purposes." To say "intensive purposes" MAKES NO SENSE. Which purposes might those be? If the purposes aren't so intense after all, the deal's off? Actually it's a bit of legalese which has filtered down into conversation. Holly wins the prize, and Andrew has to go to summer school.

As for Jemima, she has delivered probably the best panicked last-minute summary of marriage I have ever heard from a female person, and I doff my hat to her. I am going to have to USE that one, because yes, that's exactly what it's like. But if you are marrying well, you won't give a damn, because he is still the man of your dreams no matter how often you have to pick up his dirty socks. My husband is everything to me, and after six years of marriage, three babies and ALL THAT POOP, he is still my best friend. All marriage means is that you get to enjoy falling in love with the same person again and again, in different ways, as the years go by.

Apr 01, 2006

Oh, the old intensive purposes. It's second only to "I could care less" as my biggest grammatical pet peeve.

If you could care less, go ahead and care less, dumbass. I couldn't care less if you do.

Thespian LLibby
Apr 01, 2006

The ruined reflexive. "Lovely Neighbor Stacy and Myself are having mimosas in the courtyard..." Argh. ("argh" only with respect to the sentence structure, not the actual act of enjoying the mimosas......)

Apr 01, 2006

SWEET CRACKER SANDWICH, THESPIAN LIBBY (who I fell in love with at the necklace party, by the way!)!!! The ruined reflexive is my absolute most violent pet peeve. If I have to hear one more stinking person say, "You can get a ride home with Holly or myself..." I will tear said person limb from idiotic limb.

Oh, and I don't own those horrible stovepipe jeans with the gathered legs, and I don't give a damn if Kate Moss wears them or not. They're vile. Surely everyone knows what "skinny jeans" are, right? Well, maybe not Susie because she hasn't developed thigh friction yet, but doesn't everyone know that they're the jeans you can only fit into after the stomach flu or weeks of self deprivation.

Nothing But Bonfires
Apr 01, 2006

Or two weeks of phase one on the South Beach Diet. AND SOMETIMES NOT EVEN THEN.

Apr 02, 2006

Poor Holly. If it makes you feel any better, that coconut cake wasn't really all that great. It was too sweet and not enough...I dunno...not enough butter. However!!! The parmesan biscuits were effing fantastic. I brought a whole packet of them home and am making Helen relinquish the recipe posthaste. Oh, wait. No! Those sucked too.

Apr 02, 2006

Okay, how about the old "my friend and I" versus "my friend and me"? I still don't know how to properly structure that phrase... And being that you obviously know your English, a little help?

Ooo, ooo, and the old their/there/they're and your/you're problem, although that's strictly a written mutilation of the language. I do so hate when that's botched up though.

And all the grammar nazis are having a field day with this post :)

Apr 02, 2006

Lisa, "my friend and I" are going to the beach today because it is so sunny.
My boyfriend (strictly hypothetical here, y'all -- I'm definitely on the market) gave "my friend and ME" a big beach ball to play with while we're there.

(Because, without the friend, would my boyfriend be giving the beach ball to me or to I? He'd be giving it to me. and guess what? he's still giving it to me when my friend's there, too. in fact, he'll never ever, ever, ever give it to "I," because that is INCORRECT!)

Thespian LLibby
Apr 02, 2006

Lisa - eliminate "my friend and..." and then determine whether "I" or "me" works alone in the sentence. That is, "My friend and I ADORE the coconut cake from Peninsula Grill", or "Sweet cracker sandwich! Someone sent an entire cocount cake to my friend and me." Keep in mind that if, at any time, you use "myself" in a similar context, Jemima, Holly and I will form a posse and hunt you down like a dog in the road. Not that we're reactionary or anything.....
And it really stinks that stomach flu is the quickest and simplest way to get into the skinny jeans....

Apr 03, 2006

Normally I am totally the grammar police---don't even get me started on the improper use of the apostrophe), but ever since I heard Joey say "Supposably" on Friends, it's been stuck in my head.

Like Jemima, I would like to tear the limbs off of people who say ValenTIMES Day. And my mother taught me the same rule that citywendy mentioned about me vs. I--- you don't say Susie and ME are going to the mall because without Susie, ME wouldn't be going to the mall.

BTW, hope you find perfect, gorgeous gold sandals to go with that dress!

Apr 03, 2006

I, too, bust out Joey's "supposably" sometimes. Even after all these years of reruns, it still makes me laugh. My cousin (who was a grade school teacher at the time) offered to "re-inverse" me for something I had bought for her. I spent an hour arguing (and eventually had to bust out the dictionary) to disabuse her of this notion.

My god! After reading all of these comments, I keep rereading mine looking for mistakes (thus almost guaranteeing that there will some glaring doozies.)

Apr 03, 2006

I always thought it was 'for those attending to porpoises'... You know, some sort of abstract colloquialism.

Apr 03, 2006

I actually MET Joaquin himself about ten years ago, because I am friends with his mother and was staying at their house. He was about to go audition for "To Die For" and I remember he sort of appeared once in a while and stood around the kitchen looking sultry and radiating sex appeal and rendering me and all the other visitors speechless, even though he was still but an embryonic heartthrob. He said exactly one sentence to me: "How old are you again?"

My brush with glory.

Apr 03, 2006

Uh, and then Gallaudet and I will be best friends, for instance when Gaullaudet takes a picture of Joaquin Phoenix and me, I will say, this is my husband and ME. And we will go to the mall, and Elizabeth can come too. I am also willing to join Thespian Libby and Holly's posse, except Jemima said "thigh friction" and that's just kind of like a name of a band or words you will never hear together again - and that's just cool.

Apr 03, 2006

Oh, oh, oh! PHASE ONE of the South Beach Diet is a bad, bad thing. I wrote a hate letter to it on my own blog, so Holly, I hear you. I feel your pain.

As for mispronouncing phrases and words - for all intents and purposes, Holly is totally and completely right - I thought that we took Communion by 'intention'. It made sense, we INTENTIONALLY dipped the bread in the grape juice. Later I discover it's really 'intinction'. Crazy church words.

Apr 04, 2006

Nobody should ever feel guilty for checking out hot men in their rearview mirror.

Apr 04, 2006

I agree with you on the 'all intents and purposes' thing. The one that really cracks me up though, is that there used to be a psychic friends commercial where a woman said, "I was so skeptable" instead of skeptical. Since then it's become a long running joke with my brother and I to say, "I don't know... I'm VERY SKEPTABLE" whenever something seems suspicious. Now I have this irrational fear that one day I'll be having a perfectly reasonable conversation with someone and absent mindedly use the word 'skeptable' in a sentence and scare them away. Although, considering the things I tend to say... that should probably be the least of my worries. ;)

Apr 04, 2006

definitely right.

Apr 04, 2006

I have a friend who says this:

"Her and I went to the mall together."

OH. MY. GOD. It makes my ears bleed.

Apr 11, 2006

Yes. It's "for all intents and purposes." Kinda makes sense. Never listen to Canadians.