Apr
05
2011

So Many Opportunities For Jokes about CAT Scans

Right now, I could either be writing this with an alive cat or a dead cat, but I will spare you the suspense and tell you that I'm writing it with an alive cat, so that this way you can read the whole thing without wondering if perhaps you need to get up at some point and find a box of tissues and a stronger-than-usual whiskey-based cocktail. You do not. (Not because of this, anyway. Maybe you need those things for your own personal reasons, who am I to judge! Maybe you just have allergies and you're really thirsty.

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Apr
07
2011

You Guys, I Think I Have Basically Just Explained The Meaning Of Life

So I have this theory about buckets. Wait, wait, don't walk away just yet: it's not really about buckets, it's about life. But it involves buckets. I mean, sort of. Peripherally. Just listen.

I feel like everyone, in their life, has a set of buckets. We mostly all have the same buckets, although they change as we age and our lives expland and contract. My own buckets, at least at the moment, are these: my marriage, my job, my house, my friendships, my family, and my general appearance and well-being.

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Apr
10
2011

The Antisocial Network

I'm pretty sure I'm the most antisocial person you've ever met. Except wait, you haven't met me, because I hate going out. I'm a hermit, a wallflower, a self-diagnosed recluse. Whenever I make plans, I start to resent them five minutes later. My idea of a rockin' Saturday night is me and my couch, other guests optional. And by "other guests," I mean my good friends Ben and Jerry. Man, I love those guys.

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Apr
13
2011

The Diabetic Wonder Cat Report

Thank you so much, all of you, for your kind concern about Charlie last week. It's a weird thing to have a critically ill pet: on the one hand, it's horrible and upsetting and---insult to injury!---costing you a whole bunch of money that was earmarked for much more enjoyable things. On the other hand, there's a creeping feeling that your reaction is out of proportion to the situation at hand: it's not a person, is it? It could be so much worse.

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Apr
25
2011

Ain't No Sound of Silence If Your Cell Phone's Still On

Some essential part of me has been forever shattered upon finding out, firsthand, that Paul Simon is only 5"2. He's teeny! He's tiny! You want to scoop him up and put him in your pocket! If I were to stand back to back with Paul Simon---let us briefly pause here and imagine a scenario where this would feasibly take place---I would, at five feet and six inches, tower over him. You do not want to tower over your beloved musical icons, I think. There's something really wrong about it.

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Apr
29
2011

Monarchy In The UK

Let me be the first to say that I was not that interested in the Royal Wedding. Until I found out I'd be in London for it, I treated it with nothing more than a shrug and an eyeroll. If I'd been back in San Francisco, I probably wouldn't even have woken up early to watch, that's how unbothered I was. Even when I found out I'd be coming over for it,  I didn't really get that excited.

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